I am onit, hear me ROAR (occasionally)

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Thread no.5

Hope you all find me or I’ll just be talking to myself.

Honestly, I'd play it safe and stick to the court order. Tell lcb that until the court issue is resolved, you'd prefer not to muddy the waters by making any ad hoc changes.

Why would dd have to stop going to her club anyway? Isn't he capable of taking her?

Ask him to reconsider having the children on Mondays?

Onit, my instinct is telling me that you don't reply to this till you've had legal advice and any reply is sent via your solicitor making mention of the fact he's the one who asked for the contact on this particular day and its him who's now changing the goal posts. That in the interest of the children you will be the bigger person and do whats best for them. You might even make mention of his different tone but then it could be me just being silly.

But that said, as a granny who does drop offs etc at various activities Im going to ask if your wee one really would be gutted at not being able to go to the club? Or if like lots of mums who've kind of been made to buy into this after school activity/club culture you may just think she would be?

Is there even any chance you could consider cancelling the club based on the facts, the reality of it all, so that in future LCB really will have to to take you seriously and know you're a force to be reckoned with?

I hope this makes sense.

Hi Onit, LCB is asking you to disregard the court order that he applied for. There are a number of reasons I (very strongly) believe you should not. Some may be more reasonable than others.

In no particular order:

1. He wanted it. He got it. Now he needs to suck it up.
2. It is a court order. I have a thing about rules and authority.
3. He can’t play favorites with the kids - where is DD’s one on one time with her dad? Do you think she won’t notice? Your DS can’t keep a secret so it will lead to a very unbalanced relationship.
4. Part of being a parent is being a taxi service. He cannot always be a Disney Dad. There are times he actually has to do the grunt work of being a parent, just like you do.
5. Altering the court order now will set a precedent.
6. They would have somewhere other than a cafe to go and wait if he hadn’t moved so far away.
7. This is his problem to solve, not yours.
8. Am I right in thinking that he wanted to pull DS of his club that day? In which case, he caused this issue.
9. Unless he can offer the same one on one time and treats to DD, it isn’t fair of him to give DS treats. As they grow up, they will see the disparity and it will not be good for the sibling relationship.

10. Why would he even offer treats to DS if he can’t give the same to DD? Is he deliberately trying to cause some form of sibling rivalry? 11. You have a life of your own. He seems to have forgotten that you may have now changed your working hours or (shock, horror) made other commitments during that time now. 12. Do you think his convenience (that is really what this is about) is worth going against the court order? 13. You will never be in the wrong if you follow the court order. 14. DD doesn’t have to miss out on her club - if she does, that is LCB putting his needs above hers. However, if she does leave the club, it won’t be the end of the world as she is young and will be able to rejoin in a year when LCB gets busier with his new child.

Your response to his question ‘can I ask you to reconsider’ should be ‘I consider this best for the children under the current circumstances’ with the current circumstances being he is a lying, cheating bastard who ran out on his family.

When you do respond to him (whether you help him out or not) please remember that you do not need to explain your reasons to him and it would be in your best interests to not disclose the reasons unless asked by the judge/sherif/recorder.

I agree with everything that Uncreative said. I'm astounded at LCB's cheek - your DD may have to leave her club because he can't be arsed to work around it? Really!?!? And how dare he manipulate you into having DD on his time, to do his grunt work, whilst he has jolly times with your DS.

You really need to stick to the court order. If you were working or otherwise engaged on the Mondays then it wouldn't be an issue. Tell him you have other plans. That's perfectly reasonable and he doesn't need to know what.

As for your DD perhaps being taken out of her activity. Well, that would be unfortunate, but it would be his decision and your DD would really just have to get used to it, and she would.

I think you need to keep your eye on the long game here. Giving in to him over this isn't going to benefit you in the short-term, or you or the DC in the longer term.

Onit, have been a silent lurker from your first thread, cheering you on. I have not commented before as you have been getting such fantastic advice from others. But on this occasion I felt compelled to say that I think bowing to his emotional blackmail would be a mistake. He is still trying to control you to suit his agenda and using your weak spot - the children. HE decided he wanted Mondays, HE chose to cancel your DS's club, HE decided it would be a good idea to favour your DS by taking him out for a meal on his own, now HE has decided he can't be arsed to keep taking DD to her club because HE doesn't want to hang around with DS. Oh and HE decided to move away. As has been said by others, a lot of childcare is hanging around with one child when another is at a club - this is true for all parents, not just singles. I know you want to do what is best for the DC but he is using this to get what HE wants AGAIN. I really think you should stick to the court order that HE applied for. If HE chooses to refuse to take DD to her club surely that helps your argument that HIM having them Monday evening is not in their best interests after all and they are better off with you, as you are able to accommodate both DC's needs/clubs etc. I really, really hate this man and what he has done & how he continues to try and bend you to his will. You sound so much stronger these day. I think of you as a warrior - in the way you have battled to get this far and the way you keep battling to protect and do the best for your DC. Please don't enable him to favour DS over DD, even if it means DD doesn't get to do her club for the moment, it will not look good to the court that he couldn't be arsed to take her on the night he specifically requested. Stick to the court order for short-term pain for hopefully long term gain. Good luck Onit.

He's emotionally blackmailing you with the club. Cock.

Stick to the court order.

Reply that it isn't up to you to reconsider because there is a court order. You have to stick to the order. Short and to the point.

Don't even mention the club or his DS plans or any of that. Just the broken record of "We have to stick to the court order."

If he won't shut up you could say something like "Perhaps you had better apply to the court for a new arrangement if this one isn't working for you."

Yes to control. Is the only way he can get to you now. Or so he thinks.

Don't agree. This is ALL his problem and he has to sort it. Plus you don't want to break order/ set a precedent. Plus splitting them like this allows him to spill poison more easily imo.

Over the longer term, clubs and interests change etc, your hours may at work may too . He's got you worrying about something that isn't your issue. He moved away. He has no one else to help out locally. He could asj his folks or whatever. He is used to you arranging your life around his needs and wants and you shouldn't do that anymore. Even for the DC. They will be fine whatever. If he needs to drop Monday he has to face that. Not do it by default and favouring one DC.

Run it by your lawyer. FP.

I agree with the above posters. This problem is of his own making all his decisions he made in the last year have been solely about his and OW wants and needs and not what’s in best interest of your children.

But if you do decide to let him off Mondays I think it needs to come from your solicitor and make it clear that no other days will be offered. So he gets to be tha EOW weekend dad he wants.

Fantastic post from IwantedtobeEmmaPeel

Everything is of his making. Part of being s parent is a lot of hanging about and dead time.

Personally I also believe you stick to the court order and it’s up to him to make it work. He has options, whatever he tries himself of otherwise.

Onit, please don’t give in to him. He’s blackmailing you, manipulating you, this will be the thin end of the wedge if you let him off the ‘mundane’ aspect of the contact he DEMANDED. He will ask again and again and again. Always expecting you to suck it up so he gets the easy, fun time and you do all the hard work. He knows you will always think of the kids first, unlike him (the selfish bastard).

But the best thing for your kids is routine. Normal, regular, consistent time with both their Mum and Dad, doing normal, regular stuff. This includes hanging around, having a snack in a cafe while waiting for whatever. Tough tits if this doesn’t suit him. He needs to suck it up.

He wanted this time, he’s got it. Court ordered. His time to manage, arrange and be available for BOTH his kids. His responsibility. Not yours. If he pressures your kids to drop their activities to suit him, they will know and they will judge him for what he is. They will be ok ultimately, because they have you.

If you deviate from the Court order, it sets a precedent. He will grab it straight away and use it all he can. Don’t let him.

He is a total shit, by the way.

And I agree with everything IwantedtobeEmmaPeel said above

He has court ordered contact on a Monday. He now wants to change it because it’s hard work being a parent. Tough. Stick to the court order. Show the reporter and your solicitor the email. You cannot be criticised for following the court order. Tell him to follow the order that he wanted. Grey rock. Repeat.

WEll said CountryPlumpkin 👍

This is excellent advice from the other posters Onit. I agree with everybody else. Stick to the broken record "we need to stick to the court order, you requested" Short and simple. Definitely do not get into any dialogue. You are doing absolutely great Onit. KOKO

Fabulous posts, every single one.

"There is nothing to reconsider, only a court order to abide by. "

Another vote for sticking to the order and letting him sort it out.

You have to stop rescuing him.

You have to stop giving in to his emotional blackmail.

He has to know that he can not control you any more.

Give him an inch - he will take a mile.

If you give in now you will always be giving in.

The court order was made in the best interests of the children. i
In a way, the order protects you as well. Use it. You can refer him to it.

If you make changes now he will always push for what he wants.

And, when you've done exactly what he wants he will then twist it and use it against you. Accuse you of not complying. Take you back to court for breaking the order and get it enforced.

Remember, you are not dealing with a reasonable person, but a manipulator and a liar.

Stick to the order - to the letter.

I’m going to try and speak to my lawyer tomorrow.

I’m worried now because, when I thought both dc had clubs, i offered to help make that work.
He took my offer but not to facilitate 2 clubs in 2 locations. He used me to make his life easier.
Then I discovered ds’s class had been dropped.
And he is now suggesting that if I don’t make his life easier, then either one or both of my dc will suffer.

But my main worry is that I instigated the change.
With my dcs best interests at heart, and based on the information I had which was incorrect (and that he knew was incorrect) but it was my idea.

See what the lawyer says-then decide based on what suits the kids best, then want suits you best, and not at all on what suits him best! (But if the last one happens to tally with either of the first two, then so be it)

Yes. Based on you not knowing the full story. Now you do. He is still occupying far too much of your head space and time. Time to kick him into touch for good. The court order is your friend here, and allows you not to engage with him. Use it. But wise to speak to lawyer. And you know.

Don’t be worried. You have not done anything wrong or harmful to your position. You did what you considered to be the right thing for your kids in the circumstances, but it was based on his lies and manipulation. You can outline this in any response to him - the actual circumstances re clubs are not what you were told by him previously.

I think you should describe the situation to your solicitor etc and detail exactly what he has said and done. It is further illustration of what a selfish, untrustworthy, unreliable shit he is. Putting his needs and wants above and before anyone else’s.

But please don’t worry. And please don’t give in to him. You are amazing! A wonderful Mum and getting stronger and wiser to his shit every day. KOKO

I too have been a silent reader.

The point is with a court order it is not necessarily up to you to reconsider - it was agreed in the court order by both parties and a judge - you can not simply reconsider.

I would get advice from your solicitor - when is the next court date because I think that your option is to say that you are prepared to have it as something to look at the next - because it should not be your choice to make

Tell the reporter all this, its all good for your case. & as above
He has court ordered contact on a Monday. He now wants to change it because it’s hard work being a parent.
He may now effectively pull both the DC out of their clubs because he can't be bothered.
You cannot just pick up the slack, You have to work to be able to keep a roof over DCs heads, it is obvious that you will use his contact hours as time to work as you are child free, you cannot pick up the slack because his is unwilling & incapable, as you are working

I don't think you can be blamed for helping him out of a situation he was having difficulty in, as a one-off. That's all it was. If the situation had remained the same, with both dc in clubs, then he would have had to sort it out for himself. However to carry on with helping him out, ie going against the court order, well that would surely be viewed very differently.

In all honesty I think you are giving this far too much thought and letting it worry you far too much. The order is in place so you should adhere to it. If dd has to stop going to her club that that is just how it is. She'll cope and he will look like the bad guy. You don't give him the low down on all the awkward bits of parenting that you have to do, and be constantly on at him to change things to accommodate you. Of course you don't, yet you are letting him do that to you. The order is to protect you, take advantage of it and say that you are sticking to it.

Or perhaps.......do not reply at all and let that be your answer.