I am onit, hear me ROAR (occasionally)

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Thread no.5

Hope you all find me or I’ll just be talking to myself.

Yes. I get that it suited you, and DS, but he asked for this time and it is now court ordered, he has to sort stuff out. And don't apologise to him. You did nothing wrong. You are no longer (even in the case of the DC) at his beck and call. He can organise his time, and if ne needs a favour he can ask you well in advance, barring an emergency. As I said before the abusive and controlling dynamic continues on both sides. And our desire to want the best for our DC means that we can often do things (or not do or say them) in a desire to protect them/keep them happy. And in the longer term I think it is counter productive for both us and them.

Either way, log this with Recorder/lawyer. It doesn't reflect well on his desire for more time. Again, I'd be wary of doing it again. It sets a precedent, and may actually be used by him as an example of how flexible approaches etc are better, and he might even use in in court again . Don't give him an inch.

Try not to worry too much about the other stuff till you know what is going on.

I think you need to tell LCB that as per HIS court order that Monday nights are his contact, so as of next Monday that it is his responsibility to look after dc until X time. And that you will not be home and he will have to find something for both dc to do on his contact visit.

He trying to control you again. He wanted and got Monday night visitation, he convinced DS to give his club and he will start on DD to do the same.

Onit
Am I reading something that's not there - he came into your house to make your DD's tea. Really ? If so - that's not on surely. Sorry if I have completely misread this.

Please don't jump to massive conclusions about herpes. Like another pp, I had a really bad bout of thrush which looked and felt like every known STD and then some. All to do with being run down, which it sounds as if you are, what with all the court case, and everything. Wait and see what the GUM clinic says and don't throw questions at the BF on the basis of a Dr Google diagnosis please

Good for you for being out on Monday! You’ve made a point to
LCB in a subtle way. Please make sure you have standing plans on Monday afternoon from now on!

LCB needs to realise that he asked for midweek contact and he got it, therefore he actually has to do it. All of it. He shouldn’t get to be a Disney dad. He needs to do the crappy sitting in the car doing homework stuff that happens to most kids and parents.

Hope you get the all ok from the GUM clinic. Dr Google always goes to the worst case scenario and maybe it is just a really bad case of thrush. 💐

I mentioned this a while ago but wanted to say it again - I think you are doing marvelously considering the circumstances you have been put in. I have a younger relative who is in a similar situation and is really struggling. It is breaking my heart the way she blames everyone around her for not supporting her more and doesn’t appreciate the good things she has in her life such as her children. Neither of you asked to be put in frankly awful situations but you have risen above things, Onit, and are an inspiration.

DPotter he most definitely did NOT make tea in my house.
The closest he got was coming to my door once not long after we moved here and when I answered the door I reminded him he wasn’t allowed through my gate before I closed the door on him.

I don’t feel very inspirational, but I appreciate the sentiment.

I’m in so much pain at the moment. I’m not thinking straight.
The bf said tonight that both his exes suffered with cold sores but he never did.
It’s possible he has the virus but no, or very mild, symptoms, and has passed it to me.
Tbh, I don’t care where it came from, I just want it to go away.
The nurse said I should make sure I wee. That the pain can make it difficult to let go and cause urinary retention. I can see why.
I would sell my soul to not go for a wee (or a poo) until this is totally clea

My friend had heroes and it had lain odo

...sorry phone being a dumbass...lain dormant for years until oddly enough she went through a period of extreme stress and then it went mad.
Have you Been given anything for it?

I’m going to the walk in clinic later but unless they see me pretty much right away I won’t be able to wait as I’ve no one to watch the dc.

I also need to speak to ds’s teacher today because ds is really struggling again.
I think he’s being picked on. Said this morning that he doesn’t want to be thecry baby of the class. I might have narrowed down the list of who could be picking on him (he says he’s not being bullied but I think he’s scared to tell )

I hope his teacher is helpful today.
Ds doesn’t need this shit and, frankly, neither do I.

Hopefully I can nip it in the bud quickly.

And “your friend”, nigel

Not that I can grin like that. It hurts my foof too much

Haha! It actually was a friend, not me. Though that would be just my sort of luck in fairness!

What little dignity I retained after having 2 dc, being left by my husband for my friend who then had a child 18 months later, has now gone after my first trip to the walk in STI clinic.
I didn’t even feel embarrassed about not having shaved my legs.
It might’ve distracted her from the mess that my fanjo is in.

I almost definitely have herpes. That’s the bad news. The good news is it’s unlikely that I have syphillis.
Though I will know definitively in a weeks time. I’ll also find out whether I have chlamydia or gonorrhoea. And HIV.

But I have drugs now which should hopefully shorten my discomfort. Maybe.

The nurse was lovely. She was sympathetic to me reaching 40 something before making my first trip to see her.
And she said it was just as likely that it’s been lying dormant for years as me catching it from the bf last weekend.
I guess I’ll never know.

Would you be concerned if your BF not married invited the mother of his child to every thing we do?
She is involved with Halloween parties, birthday, obviously Xmas, on his 50th she did the food!! I have been with him nine years, they have a son who I adore and we have him every other week, I get on with her but I'm planning my wedding and would love stepchild to be there but not here,

Onit I’m really sorry to hear that.

I don’t know what blood tests are routine in the UK during pregnancy but would you have been tested for Herpes antibodies when pregnant? If so could that help you with some kind of timeline as to when this may have happened?

I don't think herpes is routinely tested for during pregnancy.
I had a friend who caught it from her DH because he had a mouth coldsore. She had a very, very minor attack at the time she caught it, then nothing for years. She said that she wouldn't have noticed the initial attack really, but she was expecting it. It flared up again in an awful way during their divorce. I remember her saying that she'd been told that initial attacks are often extremely mild, but second and subsequent are usually worse. Stress related I guess.

I hope the medication helps onit.

So the thing with ds is hopefully being dealt with by his teacher.
Turns out it’s his best friend who’s been being mean. Obviously not all the time but it’s been since before the holidays.
I’m worried I might be overthinking it though.
Ds loves his friend. Wants to be friends but is upset that his friend is being mean. I’ve told him that people who are mean aren’t good friend material.
But ds is a boy who dislikes conflict and change. I’m worried he’ll put up with being treated badly in order to still have this boy as a friend because some of the time he’s fun and has been his friend a long time.
I have taught my boy classic codependent behaviour .

In other news;

I had an email from lcb wanting to confirm that I’m taking dd after school on Monday as “previously agreed”, to “avoid confusion”.

I can’t decide if I should
a) tell him to stick to the court order,
b) take dd early and let him take ds (which is what his email says), or
c) suggest he take them both to eat and drop both back at DD’s club time (what happened on Monday).

What I want him to do is drop this contact day.
With the least disruption and upset to both my dc.

I feel bad for my dc that by doing a) I will be making them spend much of their time in a car or supermarket cafe or McDonald’s killing time before DD’s activity and then ds having nothing to do for an hour before he gets dropped off at home.
If I do b) he gets to have easy (if expensive) one to one time with ds. But he will potentially hurt dd when she realises they’re doing fun stuff without her, which might make her want to give up her club which she loves.
Or c) means he’s spending a couple of hours with both dc before dropping dd at her club and ds home (an hour earlier than the court order says).

I don’t know if it’s because I’m poorly but I’ve retreated to indecision.
What’s best for the dc?
For the court case?
For everyone really?
Help?!?

Tell him to stick to the court order.

He wanted these days and time with his children. The fact that in practice it doesn’t suit him then tough. It’s his problem to solve not you pick up the pieces.

He chose this so now he has to deal with it.

You were flexible but he still took you to court the fact he now he has decided he doesn’t want to do it because it causes him to actually work out what to do to fill the time.

Yes. Stick to order. I think that will be best officially in any case atm. He wanted it, so he needs to plan. He moved away too, if he were closer he could take DS home. You are no longer his child care and tbh he is a cheeky fucker for sending the email.

In terms of the DC you need to let them work it out themselves . If they are bored they can tell him. He can sort it or not. I suspect contact will be reduced. More likely sooner rather than later if you don't pick up the slack for him. He will probably blame you so be prepared.

In any case I suggest you check with your lawyer before ANY ongoing alteration to agreed contact. You can't trust him, and he may be doing it in order to use it as a way to try for further changes.

Third person here saying stick to the court order!

He asked for it, he got it, he can deal with it.

I know you don’t like responding to LCB (really don’t blame you for that, I’d feel the same) so some suggested phrases....

• In accordance with the court order, both DC will be with you from x time until y time on Mondays.

• in order to avoid confusion, I think it is best that we follow the court order

• I have been advised by the good people of mumsnet/my solicitor that I should not interfere in your time with the children so they can both be with you on Monday

• my solicitor has advised me not to disrupt your contact time and that you are to have both children at that time

• having taken my solicitor’s advice, I do not wish to be seen as interfering in your time with the children so they are both to be with you from x until y

I’m sure other people will be along with other suggestions soon. Remember - you don’t need to give him a reason if you don’t want to. But I understand that sometimes it is hard not to. That is why I have said ‘ I have been advised...’. You don’t need to say by whom although
I am sure your solicitor won’t object even if you don’t call him to ask.

Here is another .....

• I have been advised that it is in the children’s best interests for us to follow the court order and therefore both children will be with you from x until y on Monday

Best interests of his children - he can’t really argue against that, can he? Well, actually he already has but it will make him look like an even bigger tower than he already does so hopefully he won’t.

Stick to the court order. That's what it's there for and it won't look good on you if you don't stick to it. The DC will adjust. Or not. Either way, it's for him to cope with and worry about, not you.

This I had an email from lcb wanting to confirm that I’m taking dd after school on Monday as “previously agreed”, to “avoid confusion” is exactly why. He's taking advantage. Again. Give him an inch, he takes a mile.

I agree with Uncreative - you have taken advice, which is to stick to the court order as it is in the best interests of your kids.

‘Taking advice’ implies that you are being reasonable and listening to considered opinion so he can’t just insult you and dismiss your decision (even though he probably will).

He also needs to experience the reality of the contact he demanded, without you helping him out.

You can support them through his crappy behaviour in the short term and you will be doing the best thing for them long term.

In order to avoid confusion and now that there is no clash of the kids schedules, I think it best to comply with the court order.

Done.
And thank you

Stick to the court order - yes one child hanging around doing not much whilst the other does a club or class isn't ideal but plenty of kids do it! It's part and parcel of having siblings. Its up to your ex to keep the non-club child happy - not your problem.

"I have been advised that as you have sought this time officially that I must follow the court order and therefore both children will be with you from x until y on Monday"

De-lurking to say that's really good and clear, onit. And you know what - you owned it, too, you said "I think it best", not that it was based on advice from anyone else. You've sounded wobbly lately, but your confidence must be slowly growing under the surface.