I am onit, hear me ROAR (occasionally)

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Thread no.5

Hope you all find me or I’ll just be talking to myself.

It's an odd thing to do right now in light of recent events I think. But I guess he might just want some father son time and that might be fair enough - Had he discussed it with you first, and you'd both decided how to manage it, and when would he be doing the same with dd, when he'd be Helping you to do the same etc etc-is things he wouldn't even think of doing because he's an utter arse....

OP you are an inspiration.

MsP - the FP should be essential before anyone gets into a relationship I think! I am always recommending it at work.

The sooner the better for you to let DD know that LCB will be taking her to the club on Mondays and that DS has quit his club.

Most siblings have times when one is at a club and the other gets some full attention parent time.

Agree that LCB NOW HAS A COURT ORDER he can't decide to change days and hours. Even if it suits you , you should refuse any changes. Why is he ditching DD on his time..? To bad if he has to run around, get her food in a hurry. Etc
NOT ACTUALLY YOUR PROBLEM.
If he then signs either of them off a club, you tell reporter that he can't be arsed so has cancelled one or other activity.

I really don’t know how to word a response to him.
I agree the hassle is his to manage.
When I offered the option of taking dd it was so both dc could go to their clubs.

What I want to say is, since ds and dd don’t need to be in 2 different places at the same time, you’ll be able to take dd to her club yourself.
But this will also mean hassle for my dc. Driving around to eat, to go to DD’s club.
There won’t be time either before or after that for lcb to do anything with them. And certainly not as the winter comes in.
So I should just accept that dd and ds are being split. The consequences of that are his issue.
I can find time to spend one to one time with ds to counteract it at my end.

But I’m thinking if he continues with this it adds to the argument that midweek contact days (both of them) are problematic and more disruptive than not.

But then I feel like I’m not putting my dc first by holding onto this as ammunition.
I’m not sure what is best.
For the dc now and in future.

Did you offer it as a one-off, or ongoing? If ongoing then I think that as he only now has one of them to get to a club then you could use that as your reason for making it a one-off.

I think you have to turn a blind eye to whether or not lcb has quality time with them, or whether he and they are rushing around or hassled. It's his time with them and he should manage it. They may complain but they'll sort their own way out eventually. This just needs to play out as it will, and if it means that he ends up dropping his after school contact in time, then address that as and when it happens.

How to word a message to him?

LCB,
I’ve told DD that you will be able to take her to her club on Mondays now that DS has pulled out of his club and there is no issue about needing to be in two places at once. I wanted to warn you in advance that she might get upset if she sees DS as getting more ‘treats’ than she does such as bowling trips etc while she is at the club. As you know, DS can’t keep a secret so asking him to keep quiet about your more exciting activities together won’t work. Perhaps you could take him to the library and work on reading/I’ll leave the solution up to you/hope you can find a solution(delete as applicable).
Onit

Remember - LCB caused these problems so let him solve them. It is not up to you to ensure every moment he spends with them is quality time as opposed to normal parenting time. Don’t enable him to play the Disney Dad.

I wouldn't offer any solutions. It is up to him. Also if you do so you are getting sucked back into communicating. Which is what he wants. And you don't want or need it. He is always going to use your understandable concerns about the DC to get to you. A short message reminding him of the court agreed hours is all that is required. Don't offer to be available again. If he needs your help let him ask for it. You may well be right about him dropping time. Don't let him spin it as your fault. He may be splitting the DC in order to do that so be wary. Tell the recorder what is going on, and your lawyer.

Lots has happened for the DC. Dad going. New partner. New house. New baby. Your new partner. It is a lot to process, and it might be that as he's a bit older he is thinking about/articulating it more.

They will be fine. You are doing a fantastic job. Don't worry too much, and try to sliw down/ relax when you can. And again. What I keep banging on about. It won't be another problem for you to fit in. It will help you deal with them.

if it was you doing the clubs, meal drop offs & collects, you would just do it.
LCB fought for this mid week contact, he now has it
Let him see what its like !

Onit, this is all very different to the way of life here and I’m not really understanding a lot due to not having exposure to the ways of a different country even though I’m from there a very long time ago.

I do think I understand enough though to say my instinct is telling me that the original contact ageement is stuck to for the time being and not just because it won’t take LCB any longer than a heartbeat to say to you and the recorder - she’ll change the rules if it suits her (it’s how he’ll see it).

Your wee boy is suffering and it’s horrible but I think this has been due to happen for a long time now because there was never really any chance you could protect them from the ugliness of it all for any great length of time. They’re going to be fine. Trust yourself to believe that because you’re their mum and you’ll get them through this.

And your wee girl? Her time alone with LCB will mean she gets treats so I wouldn’t hide it from her that her brother has time alone with LCB. Yes we want to protect the children but they have a big enough liar in their life with LCB without you having to become one through default.

I know what I’ll say next will sound all wrong but I can’t for the life of me think of any other way to say it - this entire boil has needed lancing for a long time and now you’ve started doing it you’re all well on the road to recovery even though it may hurt a while longer

In itself, it doesn't matter if he buys McDo for one or the other, it happens all the time within any family, that one Dc will get something on an occasion & not others.
As long as it is balanced, & not the same every week.
& I agree, no lying/hiding, DD will find out eventually & it will be worse.

Your reply to LCB could be along the lines of Thanks for letting me know about your conversations with DS about the club, he has shared the same feelings with me. I have let DD know that DS has quit the club and you will have them both as normal next week.

I tied myself up in knots so much that I didn’t reply at all.
Dc left for the walk to school this morning with both of them a bit stressy. DS crying saying he was worried about school and dd complaining of a sore tummy. I tried to distract them by pulling silly faces and seeing who could hop, skip or jump on the way. When we got to the gate I waved them in and said I’d see them later. They walked into school just fine in the end.

I think lcb is going to bring dd home shortly and I’m not there. I’m deliberately not at home.
He never did tell me what his plans were for Mondays.
Now that ds doesn’t have his class, he doesn’t need me to be there for dd. This is his court ordered time. Yes, it’s going to be difficult for him to deal with the next 3 hours including feeding them but, that is his problem to solve.
I’m expecting a call or text in the next 15 minutes asking where I am.

I’ve not been in the best of health this last week. Worked every hour the dc were at school last week to make up for the sick days and avoid it all going on my absence record but I’ve been fighting a bad cold the whole time and to top it all, over the weekend I’ve developed some kind of infection in my nethers which dr google is diagnosing as herpes .
The bf has no symptoms and never has (whether or not I trust him is still to be determined. I did. And I want to).
I also know now that I could’ve had it years and this is the first outbreak.
(I definitely don’t trust that my husband didn’t sleep with someone and then with me so...)
I have to look forward to the indignity of the walk in GUM clinic tomorrow.
I was tested not long after lcb left because I was spotting but it might only have been for gonorrhoea and chlamydia (which was clear).

My fanjo has been on fire all weekend, to the point of tears. It’s calmed down a bit today but I’ve now got more ishoos to deal with.
It’s put a seed of doubt in my head about the bf.
I’m not sure I can deal with that.
How do I tell him that?
We were talking about him moving here! He’s applying for jobs.

The fun never stops around here

Try to stay calm. Could it possibly be thrush? I once had an attack that was so bad I asked for an STD test, and in retrospect my stressing probably made it all worse. Have you told BF about your symptons? How was his response?

Great plan re being out. Simply respond by text reminding him it is his allocated time. Don't get drawn in to whys and wherefores of what you are doing or what he has to do. It is his problem to solve. And same response to DC if they kick off as he may well speak to them about it.

Again. FP will help you so much with this new relationship as well as past one.

Onit, if you have herpes, you have to tell bf, he also may have had it for years. there is no shame;
If you have contracted it from LCB you didn't know he was being unfaithful & having unprotected sex,
if its BF who gave it to you, then he already has it & you can't give it back.
The problem is, If he knew he had it & then had unprotected sex with you, but it seems unlikely to me, he has been so nice in every other way

Did LCB show/call ???? hahaha

Ach, Dr Google is a flighty Fokker, dumps seeds of bad news & takes no notice.

So much prolonged & aggravated stress you have endured recently, your immunity is suppressed, & something dormant or opportune has invited itself to the party in your gusset.

Get thee to the GP or local GUM clinic for consultation, swabs & hopefully quick acting meds to quieten the racket in your nethers.

Seeds of doubt...

I had a text from lcb saying he’d expected me to be at home to get dd and give her tea.
That since I wasn’t, he’d take her for tea with ds and drop her at her club at 5.
Would I be home for ds so he could drop him then to avoid having to find something to do with him for an hour?

I replied saying sorry but he never said. That I had plans given it’s monday but I could be home for ds.

He’s just dropped him off and ds is playing on his Xbox talking to his friend.
Better for him than whatever lcb would’ve done with him for an hour.
5-6pm there’s not much to do when they’ve already had tea.
I realise I’ve still rescued him a little but I think this scenario is best for dd and ds.
Both see their dad for a couple of hours for tea.
And, for me, as I get to still potentially see my dcousin, and, when the time comes, argue that his midweek contact is disruptive and problematic given the dcs circumstances.

I have told the bf about my symptoms. And my suspicions that it’s herpes.
He was very calm. Said he has no symptoms and that he’ll keep an eye on things.
He’s encouraged me to get checked out. Thinks it could just as well be an infection or an allergic reaction to something.
I’ve been taking piriton alongside painkillers just in case.

He’s a very laidback, pragmatic man. I’d not expect him to overreact but his calmness is one of the seeds.
He asked if I’d been with anyone else sand I said no. He said he hadn’t either.
I’ve read lots of stuff the last couple of days and, yes it can lay dormant for years but most say the first outbreak is within a few days of exposure.
I can’t help but be worried.
But, then again, even if I got it from him, it doesn’t follow that he knew he had it.
And who gave it to whom is irrelevant really if neither of us was aware.
But I don’t like the niggle.
I feel shitty for doubting him and, at the same time, pissed off that he might’ve known he had it but didn’t say anything because he’s not had symptoms.

I’m not sure sex is worth this.

See what the GUM clinic say before you worry too much about the symptoms you've got. It might turn out to not be herpes, or it might and may have lay dormant for years.

I'm glad you were out when lcb turned up. He really takes the piss. Personally I think you should be unavailable physically for the whole of his contact time. There's stuff he could do with ds, if he wants to give it some thought. Even if it means sitting in the car and doing some homework or reading with him for an hour. Other parents have to do it whilst waiting for siblings to do activities, why should lcb be any different?

Onit, I can't believe Im admitting this but many years ago I had something that now Im a bit older and wiser I would have assumed was Herpes but it wasnt. It was an allergy to my new pants.

But that said I may have had reason to visit the Dr recently for something that could also resemble Herpes but is more than likely Lichen Planus. I think given all you go through would make you a prime candidate for it just as it did me. God knows how though that something that bothers your fandango can actually be picked up by your dentist.

Sorry if that was too much information.

Anyway Im always diagnosing myself with the help of google and I reckon I've died and been reborn about 8 times now.

Anyway Im always diagnosing myself with the help of google and I reckon I've died and been reborn about 8 times now.

Such is the power of Dr Google...

Totally against LCB dropping DS back, HE WANTED MIDWEEK CONTACT.
They could go to the library for an hour & do homework. wander round a mall, kick a ball in the park
Just Fuck him.

Like mix said, make him do proper midweek not just the bits he fancies. That'll keep it lasting longer. Make him do it all. No help. Before long he will want to drop the midweek. Or will learn to parent.

All or nothing. No more of he gets the easy and you get the hard.