I am onit, hear me ROAR (occasionally)

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Thread no.5

Hope you all find me or I’ll just be talking to myself.

Yes. You can't go on indefinitely protecting your DC fom the reality of their Dad. I think you'll find as time goes on, they'll come to their own conclusions with little input from you. They will love him still, but they'll see him for what he is.

Again. Because I think it will really help you work out all of the stuff swirling about your head. Now and in the future. Freedom Programme. Even if online, though if you can hook into some mutual support group it could be immensely helpful.

He was/ is an abuser. You are a survivor still at the start of your journey out. Embrace all the support you can.

My heart really aches for you because you sound broken and shell-shocked by all that has occurred. I don't think you were waffling by the way, I hope getting some of it off your chest is beneficial to you. I also know you are reluctant to divulge all the gory details to your legal team/authorities, etc but remember you have taken the first step - that is the step that is always the hardest. I honestly believe when you let it all out to the relevant people you will feel as if a weight has been lifted from you. Life from that point forward will be on your terms. Also, children are aware of much more than we think. It may surprise you what they have inadvertently picked up on. People like him never see reason. Your children should be very proud that they have such a great mum. You have provided for them despite everything he has thrown at you. Keep your chin up, everything comes to an end eventually.

Yes, there comes a point (a very difficult and painful one) where you have to stop covering for him. You perhaps don't need to actually start doing anything, but rather stop doing what you are doing now that shields them from the truth about him. Not sure if what I've said makes sense, but with my DC I have had to let LCB do things his way and cock up and let them down so they see his true colours.

My WA counsellor said "you are not responsible for his relationship with his DC, he is" and that struck home.

storm my counsellor said the exact same thing months ago.
It did stick with me but I’ve still felt like I’m responsible. Especially since they’re so wee.
Since telling them the whole story, I feel less responsible but while I’ve noticed ds is more confident since telling him, dd is much less so. There have been more meltdowns and tantrums (which is not entirely unusual), and much clinginess (which is very unusual).

It worries me lots.

Its hard not to worry. But kids are very adaptable-they will thinknt over in their own little way and then move through it-in amazed by their tenacity sometimes-wish I had a bit more of it.
Better to tell them the truth about him now so it doesn't come as a shock later. Bette for him actually as well, as they have time for it to become normal in their heads now rather than when they are about 14 and all over the place hormonally to boot (though naturally LCB won't see it like that)

Something else to tell the reporter at the next meeting.

Need to be more organised next time. And have a list.

Currently in a&e with ds who fell yesterday and needs an X-ray.

Missing my 3rd of 4 shifts in the last week.
Dd last week and me then ds this week.
My stress levels are ridiculous.

Oh and the bf is applying for a job near me. If he gets it, it will mean his moving.
He wants to be with me, I want him with me too but what about the dc?
My head is seriously going to explode 🤯

If your BF moves that doesn't mean you have to live together either straight away, or at all if you don't want to. There is no rush. You can enjoy having more time together, and spending time together with the DC without sharing home space. In fact you might enjoy it more, and given all the DC have been through might be best for them too.

Again, and at the risk of driving you mad. F P. It might seem like another thing for you to do but in fact it will help you deal with your exploding head! And mean that you are in the best place to move forward in this ( or any or no) relationship.

I hope your DS is ok. Really not what you need but that's kids for you!

It's good that your bf is showing committment in wanting to move closer to you. I agree with MsP that it will be a good opportunity to spend more time together without living together. To really get to know each other in a more day to day sort of way. It should hopefully be nice for all the DC too. (Not to mention pissing LCB off when he gets to hear about it at some point )

Ds is ok. Suspected fractured wrist but he has a cast and back in 2 weeks

Also had a bit more chat with the bf and feeling a bit less stressy about that too.
He want thinking he’d move in, more just stay over a few nights a week.
He’ll keep his house at least until we figure stuff out.

This has scared me though as I’ve realised I’m still not able to speak up when I’m uncomfortable.
We have some time tonight and I’ll need to be brave and bring it up.
I’m starting work so don’t have time.
Sorry for the lack of detail.

And at the risk of infuriating you again. I completely recognise the feeling of not speaking up. FP is your friend here.

Even if BF is lovliest man in the world he doesn't need to move in , even part time until you feel ready. Not getting a house close to his work (assuming he gets job) is putting pressure on you to agree to him moving in, albeit unintentionally. There is no rush, and ( as I know) you don't have to live together to be happy in a relationship.

Hope you manage to relax at some point over the weekend.

I always feel on edge reading your posts, onit, then hugely proud of your strength. Remind yourself he doesn't own you, he isn't the boss of you, he doesn't get to dictate your life.

I can hazard a guess but what does LCB stand for please ?

lying cheating bastard

Thank you Mix56. I've followed omits threads but didn't see the very beginning. I think she's doing fantastically.

I’ve not stopped.
I should be getting up but I honestly can’t move.
My back aches, I’m not sleeping.

He’s changed one of his weekdays.
The dcs clubs have changed days/times since they’ve started a new term (this club is based on their age/primary class).
DD’s club used to pick up straight from school one of my days but I’d now a 5pm start on one of his.
This same day ds has an activity 15 minutes drive away which finishes at DD’s start time.
You with me so far?

I had to apply for DD’s spot as space is limited. So I let him know but acknowledged it was his decision as it’s on his court ordered day.
I said I’d be available so both dd and ds could go to their respective clubs.
He said he’d pick both dc up from school, but drop dd off at home so I could give her tea before taking her round to her club.

So Sunday night I had a thought that ds was supposed to promote a level at his activity after the holidays. I’d heard nothing so I emailed the coach.
He replied Monday morning to say ds was welcome back anytime.
So lcb has cancelled his activity without telling me.
Ds says it was his choice. It’s possible. But there’s a couple of things; why wasn’t I told (ds said he told me. He didn’t)?, and why is he dropping dd with me straight from school?

I’ve emailed asking him saying I’d spoken to the coach and asked what his longer term plans are for the dc on Mondays.

I had a nice couple of hours with dd. When ds came home he said “shhh! Don’t tell sis that dad took me bowling and to McDonald’s”

I am so torn.
I’m concerned he’s splitting them up and dd will be upset about her bro getting to do fun things when she’s being left but I’m also thinking that this is his first step to dropping this contact day.
Which frankly will mean less disruption all round.

Anyway work now.
Back later.

I wonder if LCB told your son not to tell his sister about bowling and McDs?

I'm a bit confused. So your DD has an activity on one of LCB's pick up days, but he drops her at yours for you to feed her and then you (?) to take her to her activity? Does he then pick her up from that and bring her home, or has he bowed out of this days contact completely? Why wouldn't he have taken her out to eat too, even if he had to do two McD trips to make it work between both children's activities?

I think if this is a court ordered contact day then he needs to collect your DD from school, provide her with a meal and then take her to her activity. It's what he wanted, after all. It sounds like he just doesn't want the hassle since it involves ferrying her around.

Make sure you let the court reporter aware of this.

Is there any chance this has been a temporary change in plans because of DS’s broken arm? Although bowling doesn’t really seem compatible with that. I would be a little worried about him taking a divide and conquer approach with the kids.

It’s as you describe Agatha.
He picked her up from school walked her 2 minutes home, left her with me and went off with ds.

I agree he should take her too, and that leaving her with me avoids lots of hassle for him.
It’s not temporarily caused by ds’s wrist (which isn’t broken thankfully. Had a call from the hospital yesterday as someone had finally looked at his X-ray).

Lcb replied today saying ds is adamant he’s not doing more than 2 activities a week but, if I can persuade ds to go back, he’d be delighted.

I’m really torn. There’s a big part of me so pleased that this is possibly the start of this contact day being dropped. So I’m loathe to query it too much.
However, I’m also very concerned that he’s spending time with ds alone.
I’m certain he told ds not to tell his sister.
In fact she thinks he’s still going to his activity.
When she finds out that ds and her dad have been bowling, she is likely to be upset. Even though she’s going to a club she loves. She’ll feel left out. There is some sibling rivalry here and it smacks of playing favourites.
It will hit her hard as I’d say it’s been fairly obvious since they were tiny that dd was his favourite.
Also, last night ds woke up very late and came downstairs. This boy usually sleeps like the dead.
He was such hard work this morning. Again, this is unusual.
It worries me.

I think you are right to be wary. LCB is a practiced manipulator. If he can't manipulate you directly he may well do it indirectly via the DC.

Definitely flag it up to the Recorder. And let lawyer know this change . And find a way to let your DD know that her brother isn't going to his club. Otherwise it may seem as if you all kept it secret. If she has questions/ issues it is for lcb to sort as is on his time remember.

I started that post earlier today.
Developments tonight have seen ds refuse to go to his club saying he’s nervous about going anywhere.
That he wants to be with me. He wishes I didn’t have to go to work.

Now, I’ve had to work more the last couple of weeks to make up for my 3 days off with sick/injured dc and court reporter induced stress. Obviously that has also meant a lot of changes to their routine.

It feels like a million steps backward for him. He was last like this for months before lcb left.

I’ve spent the evening since I knew he was asleep, breaking my heart.
I feel like his anxiety is feeding off of mine because I’m really struggling right now too.
I’m so worried about him.

To clarify, this is his other club. Nothing to do with his dad.

I am so sorry but I'm wishing something nasty and painful would land down on your twatty fucking shitty ex.

There isn't only so much you can do for your dcs and you are doing it. Day at a time. Cuddles always. Honesty. You will get through this and your dcs will know it was always you that was there for them and never you that let them down.

I wonder if your DS is feeling uneasy himself over going out with LCB on his own and leaving his sister out. I guess he must realise that if it happens to her it could also happen to him, and of course he won't like the dishonesty.

I think the only thing you can do is note it, let the lawyer/recorder know about it when appropriate, and then wait and see if it happens again. It may have been a one-off, or it may not. Only time will tell really.

Did your DS say why he felt nervous about going anywhere? That's quite a big statement for a young boy. I wonder if LCB has been putting words into his mouth? Is there anyone else that your DS could speak to, someone slightly more neutral, maybe a trusted teacher, who could find out if LCB is being manipulative?

Sorry, there is