I am onit, hear me ROAR (occasionally)

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Thread no.5

Hope you all find me or I’ll just be talking to myself.

Good luck tomorrow, onit. You got this.

Just be yourself and they will see how well you look after your DC. Good luck.

Hope all goes well. Don’t stress and just be yourself.

I can’t do anything.
I was supposed to be tidying and cleaning today but I’m procrastinating. Again.
The reporter is coming an hour after I get in from school. I still have to hoover, clean the bathroom, hang clothes, etc.
I’ve still got boxes lying from when we moved. That’s 2 years!
I’m trying to stay rational.
Everyone has boxes they moved with and have never opened,
No one has a totally spotless house with 2 dc and a cat.
No one’s dc rinses the sink after spitting out their toothpaste.
I’m embarrassed by what state we live. There’s so much needs done still. I’ve no idea where to start, or how to, or with whom. Not that I have time for anything. I get 2 days off together a fortnight and one of those days I have the dc.
How do you rip a ceiling down, fix lighting, plaster, paint, all in the space of a 6 hour school day? You don’t; or at least I dont.

Please god, just let my dc be normal annoying tomorrow.
No tantrums and interruptions.
I want to express my concerns about the dcs involvement before he speaks to them. And, if he must, they know to be honest.

You can’t do everything. You can do something. Tidy up, put things away, do a light clean. You will be fine. I’m sure the reporter doesn’t expect a show home.

Is he even inspecting your home? I thought that it was just a ‘chat’ today?

Well its kind of the point Onit, you are a single parent, & have been shafted by LCB, & have maybe a 1/4 of the funds he has, you are alone, so it's not easy to find the money & the time, nor have the expertise in DIY,
but you are proud of your achievements, you have managed to maintain a roof over DCs heads, in spite of LCB's very deliberate attempts to break you having Gone off with your best friend while you were unwell....& every back stab since.
You have maintained a job, in spite of the trauma.
Your kids have stayed in the same environment, you have have done everything you can to keep them stable & happy.
NOW LCB has taken himself to live further way with new OW & had a baby, & because he is spending so long in the car, which is entirely his own fucking choice, he wants you to just give up DCs,

Well the question is, just who is this benefitting ? Him or the DC ?

It isn't about how tidy your house is. It is not a SW report on how you are coping. Remember this is all down to LCB. Everyone else, including the Sheriff is happy with the status quo. But if he wants to waste his money then let him.

Try to relax. And good luck.

Thinking of you today onit xx

Spot on Mix. onit this is about stability, love, nurture, routine, prioritising the DC... all of which you are a master of. I now have a tenth of what LCB has, but when the Social Worker came (that's a whole other story about LCB's abuse), they were looking for signs of putting the children first and giving them a loving safe home- not trappings of wealth.

I’ve called in sick to work.
I just can’t. My mind is racing. I keep crying.
I managed to hide it from the dc this morning but they have seen me upset too many times this summer. It’s not fair.
I’m so scared I’m going to do or say something wrong. That I'm a fraud.
I’ve been told not to waffle but I will because that’s what I do. Or I’ll clam up and look like I’m hiding something.
The dc know he’s coming today.
Dd asked what she’s supposed to say. And what he’s going to ask. I said there’s nothing she’s supposed to say she just has to tell the truth.
That it’s not about what I want or her dad. It’s about what she wants.
But he isn’t coming to talk to them today. And I don’t know what he’s going to talk to them about. But I’ll know more this afternoon because I’ll ask him what sort of things he’ll ask them.
I didn’t tell the dc this but I will also say that I don’t think they are old enough to be interviewed. That even their dad had said that in the initial writ.

I saw the head yesterday. Let her know that the reporter would likely be in touch. She and the deputy head are very sympathetic.
I know they can only report the facts, but she reassured me that the facts are there’s no issues. There’s no issues with their dad either but that their dealings are mostly with me.
She also told me that he hadn’t been to any parent/staff meetings this year (so since the baby came).
I mentioned that I’d be interested in helping out if I knew he was unlikely to be there.
He’s still the treasurer or something but the agm is next week and if he isn’t re-elected the deputy head will let me know.

I also went to see the lady who runs the afterschool club and asked if I could give her name to the reporter. She said no problem.

I am going to start cleaning and tidying or else I’m going to eat.

Thank you all for the handholding.
I really need it today.

Chipping in to say good luck today, Onit

Holding your hand until it turns blue onit, best of luck for today

Another hand hold here Onit

I’ve been cleaning and tidying.
My bedroom looks like extreme hoarders and my understairs cupboard is like Monica’s.
I should go and do a quick tidy up the front path as I’ve a bush at my gate that’s out of control after all this rain and a nettle trying to attack everyone who comes to my door.

They're not going to be worried about the state of your garden if it's just a bit bushy after all the rain. Everyone's garden looks a bit over lush at the moment.
Well done on cleaning and tidying. Hopefully it's made you feel a bit better. You'll be fine. You're a single parent doing the absolute best for your dc and with their best interests at the fore all the time. Good luck.

How did it go my love?

It went ok.
One of the first things he said was it was unusual to be involved in this kind of case.
Usually he’s brought in because there are safeguarding issues or dads being denied contact.
He said it was a pleasant change.

Nerves seem to make me forgetful.
It’s all a blur.

A couple of things I remember.
He asked about his new relationship. I told him it was an affair. That I was unsure how long it had been going on. That we’d all been friends for at least 6 or 7 years.
He asked if I found out and I said that her husband had found out and a few days later he told me.

I also told him that during our relationship, I did what I was told.

With regards to him having the dc in school nights I just said no. It’s ridiculous to suggest they’d be better off with an hours drive to school in the mornings.
He asked if I’d feel differently if it was a Sunday night and I said no. It still doesn’t make any sense. The travelling, the chance of delays, what happens if someone is ill, needs a doctor, forgets their homework etc, etc.
He talked about the dcs activities.
Noted that their classes were arranged around his schedule.
I shared the most recent development that, because DD is now in P3 her after school club has moved days to one of his.
So now he will pick her up from school and walk her home where I will give her tea and take her to ASC. He will take ds to his activity and bring him home at the usual time.
Ds and I will have to then go to get dd from her club.

There was loads more. He was here over an hour. If you ask specifics it might jog my memory.
I’m so tired. I feel like I’ve not slept in weeks.

Well done, Onit. Thinking about you.

It all sounds positive. Well done! Did he seem surprised that LCB has moved away and caused the issue to be more difficult? Did you get a chance to mention the motion sickness?

Towards the end of the meeting he said something about it being a logistical issue.
He did show surprise that he’d moved away. I told him he’d moved about 4 or 5 times and each time it was further away. His place is rented.
OTOH we moved here 3 months after he left, and I own it.
He asked specifically “you own it?” And I said “yes. Me. On my own”

I don’t remember if I mentioned the car sickness but that is noted in my defences.
I did ask what he would do if one of the dc was ill and couldn’t go to school. Or if they needed to see their GP.

His biggest reaction was when he asked about lcbs “new relationship” and I corrected him saying it’s not a new relationship. He had an affair.
He asked me to clarify that he was conducting the affair before we were separated and I said yes, but I have no idea for how long.
I actually think that will carry more weight than it officially should.
Officially it doesn’t matter because it doesn’t affect the dc but it shows that he lied in his writ/to his lawyer/to the court. And if he can lie there can anything he says be trusted.

I’m seriously considering revealing the text messages now.
I have kept them to myself for 2 years. Convinced myself it’s protecting the dc.
And, as it’s been so long, I also worry I’ll be held accountable for not disclosing what could be a child protection issue.
But if I am judged or even punished for keeping it to myself all this time, it doesn’t matter.
It’s like telling my lawyer about the things lcb did to me.
It wasn’t something I wanted to tell.
But he’s leaving me no choice.
I’m seeing what he is more and more clearly. This court thing has forced me to face it in a way I didn’t need to before. Or I was trying to ignore before. Because it’s horrible. And terrifying.
He abused me for 21 years. Even before we were going out, he was grooming me.
He removed my ability to say no to him.
He used coercion and manipulation. He raped me. Once. But it changed me.
He took over the finances after the dc came along. When he left, I knew very little; and after the house sold, he used the fact I was reliant on him to financially abuse me.

I’m very worried now that he’s realising I’m not singing to his tune, that he will ramp up these tactics with the dc.
It’s too far.
They do actually need to be protected from him.
He spent years telling me I was a freama queen and that I overreact all the time but I think I’ve massively underreacted to many things he’s done.
If I’d denied him access, and given these facts as my reasons for doing that, would I be seen as wholly unreasonable? Even if it was my word against his?
His writ proves he’s a liar.
I’ve never lied.

I’m not sure I’ll sleep tonight because I need to figure out how I tell this truth in the best way for my dc.
And, selfishly, so I don’t land in trouble myself.
Whatever happens now the court needs all the relevant info.
If the court knew this was always in my mind whenever he asks for more time or implies that I’m just bitter and jealous, they might make a different ruling.
They need all the facts to make the correct decision. I’d be putting his feelings above my dc’s.
Well I’m done.
If it was reversed he’d totally use it against me. And I might “win” anyway but, the dc will still lose either way.

Help me find the strength to let this go.

Onit, you say you want strength to let this go. I think you have demonstrated time and time again just how strong you are.

It sounds like the meeting with the Reporter went well. I’m glad that you said LCB wasn’t in a new relationship and that you explained that he had moved further away from you and the children each time that he moved.

With regards to the text messages, I am not sure it would be seen as a child protection issue. (He didn’t actually leave them, did he? If so, my comments will change.) I suspect that they would be viewed by the court as comments in very, very poor taste and seen to show LCB in a very negative light. But I don’t think withholding them would be seen as a reflection of your parenting because he didn’t put the children at risk and he must be given the benefit of the doubt about really being willing to leave them (he could say it was a (poor) joke or flirting. I really don’t think those text messages can ever be used or realeased I such a way that would harm you, only LCB.

When it comes to strength to let things go, I would like you to be strong enough to let go of the bitterness and jealousy but I think you need more time to heal before that happens completely. But, Onit, you have come so far and you should be so very proud of what you have done for yourself and for your children.

I so wish I could introduce you to a family member of mine who is in a similar situation now. You would give her hope and strength. I am sure you have already done that to lots of people who have read your threads.

Also glad that the record was set straight re his affair and his choosing to move. Those are the operative things here-his choices that have negatively affected the children and that were just that-choices he made-not forced on him.
Well done onit. You did great.

You did so well. I know how difficult it will have been for you, but as usual you shone.

If it was reversed he’d totally use it against me this is really true though. He wouldn't think twice.

Hi, I have lurked on your threads for a long time and never quite knew the right thing to say to you. My opinion, for what it's worth, is that you will never know true peace of mind until you let go of everything - I think you have spent too much time trying to protect your kids from knowing what a nasty piece of work their dad is. You owe him nothing. I'm not suggesting you tell them every sordid detail but don't "defend" him either. If they ask, eg why you're sad, give them an age appropriate answer. He wouldn't extend that courtesy to you if the roles were reversed. Our job, as a mother, is to protect our children - no matter what. In your situation that is going to involve making them aware of what a manipulative, twisted person he is. If you don't, you run the risk of him drip feeding them god knows what sort of rubbish about you. Your posts have made me angry for you, frustrated and have made me proud of how far you have come. Remember, he will have no power/control over you if you refuse to cover up what he has done to you. I hope I haven't said anything which has offended you - everything was meant in a good way! I wish you and your children well.

No offence taken at all MsMama.
You have said exactly what is going through my own head.

When I got together with him, I was so happy. I felt really guilty about his ex but they stayed friends so it made me feel he was really a good guy. That it was me who was the bad one for making him cheat.
He was too good for me. Better educated, better family, better looking. I was so lucky.

I never knew what he was when I was with him. When I talk about him being a psychopath and the things he did to me, it’s not my memory of the husband I thought I had.
When the realisation hits, it’s terrifying. But my brain doesn’t connect yet that this is their dad. And so it feels like revealing this info would just be to spite him out of bitterness. Rather than a need to protect my dc.
But that is what it is.
I’m not going to have the luxury of working through all this in my own head before exposing it.
The thought I might have got it wrong. That he’s just a good guy who did a bad thing by cheating on me. That I won’t be believed because he is better than me.

I’m waffling.
But I had to tell my lawyer the things he did to me way before I was ready to talk about it. I’m still not. When the lady at WA gave me the police domestic abuse liaison officers number I just felt shock that she would even suggest that.
I put that out there because it’s only putting me in the firing line.

This is about actually protecting my dc from a dangerous (at least emotionally) person.
Ready or not, it doesn’t matter. If I look bitter or spiteful or he convinces everyone it’s all lies, I’ll have still done the best thing for my dc.

I honestly never thought I’d have to play this hand. I thought he’d eventually see reason but he won’t.
I’ve really no choice.
I just don’t know how to do it.
I’m frightened.