I am onit, hear me ROAR (occasionally)

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Thread no.5

Hope you all find me or I’ll just be talking to myself.

He really is leaving a whole pile of evidence for you to use against him. You were worried before about raising the historical abuse, well now here is fresh bullying, harassment and intimidation. All done around an agreement made in court and all
In writing! Yes I know it will cost you more money, but for sure hand it over to your lawyer.

As usually, he's being a dickhead. You are absolutely right to stick to the court order, for all the reasons you have given. You are also absolutely right to not reply to his harassment of you. On the one hand it would be good to let your solicitor deal with it, have a legal record etc, but on the other hand, is that going to cost you more money? Do you want to spend money getting your solicitor to reply to his ranty emails, or would it be better to just continue to ignore, but ensure that it is noted to be used against him in the future?

Although I can understand that this must be unsettling, infuriating, upsetting, I hope you can also take a little bit of pleasure in seeing just how this has all badly backfired on him, and just how furious he clearly is about it all.

Another thought I had Onit is that if you do deviate from the court order even slightly then he may try to accuse you of not complying - even if he was the one who encouraged you not to.

That is how this type of twisted person works.

Another reason why you should stick to the letter.

You are also corrected in assuming that any flexibilty on your part will be seen as weakness and he'll take a mile.

I wonder if there is a way of forwarding his "concerns", verbatim , to the Sherrif to seek clarification in order to assist him with his confusion, and so you can "double check" you have understood it correctly. Could your lawyer do that?

He should have realised when he started the court action that he might not have got all that he wanted.

Let him spend his money on legal clarifications and welfare reports.

It’s money that could be better spent on all his children but he’s too arrogant to realise that.

Send him a link to the dictionary definitions if 'entitled' 'abusive' 'hypocrite' and 'pathetic'.
Don't obviously but how satisfying would it be?
I think he's been quite unsettled by having something official go against him by the sounds of it and is now just lashing out.

Send on his communications to your lawyer as pp have suggested and ask him to respond. Better for you that way as you sit. Have to stress about engaging with him in any way and he won't argue with the solicitor in the Same way I wouldn't have thought-though who knows with this dickhead?

I have been (insert whatever word you like) for not continuing the agreement for the rest of the holidays.

Everyone who knows me understands why I felt the need to create this boundary.
Him and his lawyer don’t see it as anything other than ridiculous.
Apparently it was quite clear in court that this was the term time routine, though annoying that the sheriff didn’t put it in the order (actually “her” order ).

I await a telling off from my lawyer as I guess I did technically change the contact already agreed.
I’m pissed off that I feel guilty about it. It is perhaps one of the only times I have put myself ahead of everyone else; but I needed to get behind the barrier of the order to retreat from the barrage of insults and demands and entitlement.

I’m concerned that the sheriff will see it from his side too.
I hope that I can show how difficult communication has been. For 2 years I’ve been harassed, bullied, questioned, belittled. I have had enough.
He took me to court because he didn’t like my scheduling.
If the order had been made to his liking, I’m damn sure he’d not have accepted my request to postpone it till the start of term.

But this has made me feel guilty.
I should be thankful I guess because it proves to me that I am actually a good hearted person and therefore nothing like him.
I will reclaim the moral high ground soon enough and I won’t stoop to his level again.
I don’t like it there.

Also, I snagged to speak to dd today.
So difficult.
She is not mature enough to get any of it.
I’m fucking furious that he’s thrown them under the bus.
Where is this karma which I was promised would happen?
It better be a big pay off when the game is soooooo long

I understand why you did it. But from now on refer to your lawyer, and be advised by him. Especially if he is going to use it as an example of you being unreasonable or obstructive. Or manipulating the DC to say so.

You have the higher ground, and your victory last week. Again I bang on. Stop engaging. He is still yanking your chain. The controlling dynamic remains. Freedom Programme.

The Sheriff made an order, you are obeying it !!

It was a lose-lose situation. If you stuck to the original agreement it would be slightly contrary to the court order, if you stuck to the court order it would be slightly contrary to the original agreement. Don’t beat yourself up about it. He would have found fault whatever. His email reaction says more than anything.

Your son understands it. Your daughter is too young to. That’s all.

You are doing your very best for them.

Abbsolutely. You are putting DC first as always. He can fuck off.

Apparently it was quite clear in court that this was the term time routine, though annoying that the sheriff didn’t put it in the order (actually “her” order ).

Says who, Onit? LCB and his lawyer? Ignore them. Consult your lawyer.

If your lawyer says the same, then reevaluate but until then you have no reason to doubt yourself. Don’t let LCB make you question yourself.

Uncreative is exactly right. LCB is making you question yourself, and that is ridiculous. You have a court order!!! Of course you should follow it. To do anything other at this point would be a very, very bad move on your part. I suspect LCB knows this, and had it gone his way then he would be following it to the letter. Unfortunately for him it didn't go his way, so now he is banging his drum with the little he has left, telling you that the court order was meant to come into enforcement after the holidays. But why would that be? If that was the judge's direction, why wouldn't she have made that perfectly clear?

Carry on following the order. Ignore his tantrum. You are in the right, he is in the wrong.

Even if the sherrif did make an ‘error’, there is nothing you can do about it. I understand that orders need to be adhered to. It is unlikely that such a ‘rookie error’ would be made by an experienced sherrif.

Could it be that because the sherrif was a woman, this just fuels LCB’s ire (women, know your place)- a man wouldn’t have made this mistake. He is not able to railroad the courts, so he attempts with you.

Imagine if everyone implemented court orders dependent on their ‘interpretation’? What would be the point?

He is definitely losing control. Of you, his children, his marbles. I bet that hurts (him). What. A. Shame.

I hate this man, a real irrational hate.

💐

Sheriff, not sherrif (always get it wrong).

Sheriff did not get it wrong you have the court order he asked for, the sheriff would have stated that it is only for term time. Although I can't imagine why it would only be termtime.

Court order are to set times so the dc know when they are seeing each parent all year not just term time. It sounds like he is happy to follow court order during term time because it works in his favour and then insist he can do what he wants during holidays, court orders don't work that way it's follow the court order or not in which case HE breaking the court order not you.

Talk to your lawyer and follow the court order as it is written until you hear from your lawyer if you need to do something different.

The thing is if he wasn't such a arsehole to you, you would probably agreed he could have the already agreed days. But you know full well if you give him an inch he will demand a mile.

The Sheriff is a woman..oh dear that can't be going down well with LCB.

No. Sheriff is a man!
Not sure if I made a mistake with pronouns somewhere upthread.
My lawyer is male, lcbs is female. Sheriff is male.

My lawyer said we can pretty much do what we like around the order as long as we BOTH agree, so I could’ve followed our rota till the end of the holidays.
But he advised I keep a copy of the emails so if it needs to be brought up in court, we can show the sheriff his comments have a pattern.

I made a conscious decision not to follow the informal agreement but my bad feeling is because I didn’t much think about my dc in that decision. It was purely to use the order as a shield to protect myself in a way I haven’t been able to up to now.

The dc missed a few hours with their dad this week (but still saw him the same day for the afternoon) and will lose an overnight and additional day next week (again seeing him for a few hours instead).
They will gain 3 hours he’d asked to drop tomorrow.

I’m flip-flopping all over the place but you’re right. It’s done.
If the sheriff made an error it’s up to him and his lawyer to question that at the next hearing.
I have reasons for the decision I made and, if it’s questioned in court, I can show what lead me to make it.

But the thing is you don't actually need to justify it. You've followed the letter of the order as you felt that was what was best (and I agree-there's no point in having one if you aren't going to follow it).
LCB May not like it. It doesn't matter. It hasn't hurt the kids in any way. It's one night they are missing. No one and nothing bar LCB's pride will be hurt by that-but it dies set a good precedent regarding how you will follow any orders made going forwards and you won't be bullied anymore or cowed by his reaction to it.
I remember a similar argument over one night with mine over the Xmas holidays. I gave in and to this day I wish I hadn't. Because Like with yours, an inch quickly becomes a mile if you let it.

Don’t feel bad. You weren’t thinking of the kids, you were thinking of yourself. And it is ok to do that sometimes.

Think back to your previous posts - you’ve been worried about your stress levels affecting the children. That is understandable, you should be concerned about that. You have to take care of your own health in order to look after them as best you can.

I am going to suggest that you think of your chidren’s best interests now. Is it is their best interests to have a different schedule during the summer and then change when term starts? Or is it something that actually really doesn’t matter when you think about the long run? Will you be able to look at them when they are grown up and say ‘they are like this because I followed/didn’t follow the court order in the summer of 2018?

I don’t know the answers to those questions. But I do think you should think about them and do what is best for them in the long run. If something won’t affect their outcomes, perhaps there is no need to do it.

I got my telling off.
His lawyer sent an email to mine.

I replied saying what had happened on the days he’d missed.
Ds spent the day with his friend who’d been visiting family in Poland for most of the holidays.
That they’d seen their dad that afternoon for his usual contact.

I said they were seeing him this weekend for residential contact and there was no real benefit to them staying an additional nightand day but there was no harm either as long as they returned earlier than usual as the new term starts on Tuesday.
I added, off the record, that I did also give my own state of mind some consideration. Managing my own mental health is in the interests of my dc. This has caused me considerable stress. Not least because I have also been dealing with what I disclosed to you in the days before the hearing. I am devastated that their dad is prepared to drag the kids into this because he didn't get the order he wanted.
I have spent hundreds of pounds to maintain the status quo and I can't help but feel this is just another way for my husband to control and bully me, emotionally and financially.
I tend to think if the sheriff had issued him an order with all the residential contact he'd asked for, he would have demanded my immediate compliance; holiday or not.

I personally felt that there's almost no point in having the order if I'm not allowed to follow it. But I am willing to be reasonable.

There are some direct quotes from you lot in there because you’re all so much more succinct and elegant than me

However, I also received a text this morning, not long after I’d replied to my lawyer.
I seriously think my brain might implode.

He’s aware that the order says pick ups at 5 but could he get them at half four as before so he can get them to his for their tea at a reasonable time.

I replied (by email; with a screenshot of the text at the top) after too much hand wringing and expletives uttered both out loud and under my breath that, he'd previously had a problem with that arrangement too.
That 5 was a perfectly acceptable time otherwise his order would be different.

Funnily enough, I had no reply.

The dc have gone till Monday afternoon.
I wonder if either of them will mention to him that they know the facts about what happened 2 years ago. And what’s going on now.
I wonder what lies he will tell to make him not the bad guy.

I am going to call the domestic abuse team again this week.
I’d like to see if they can offer any support. Or point me in the direction of another option. Especially with the dc and this report.
I guess I can also talk to the head come Monday too.
I must send her an email too.

Gutted the holidays are over.
Been so quick and yet again, I haven’t been given peace to enjoy them with my dc.
Next year will be different, won’t it?

Just to clarify, the ‘telling off’ was from LCB and his lawyer, not you lawyer, right?

You are not a recalcitrant child and don’t need to be told off. You should view it as him having yet another temper tantrum. Just picture him pouting at the hearing when the sheriff asked him to pay for the report, you know, the report the sheriff did not ask for because he didn’t think it was necessary!

I think you have become a strong and independent woman and you should be very proud of the way you are handling yourself and all the shit he is throwing at you.

Next year will be different!

Well done Onit. Of course he is going to attempt to change things to suit himself if he can, but now you just refuse.

every day will get little better as you rebuild your life.

This pushing at the boundaries is, I think, designed to keep you engaged. Firstly for control and also to perhaps use to indicate you are being unreasonable to the Recorder, only half an hour etc.

I really do think that you should avoid direct contact with him, and suggest it all goes by lawyers. There is an actual court order now which he is already attempting to disregard. I know from my own experience it's difficult, but no communication other than in emergencies is the way forward. He is your abuser, your lawyer knows this so I'd ask him to let his lawyers know that contact should be via them and not you.

Good idea re domestic abuse team.

I know that you still need to communicate regarding the children but is it possible to have your lawyer send a letter to LCB saying that the court order is in place as per LCBs request and that you will follow it to the letter. If LCB wants any alterations, he must request them through your lawyer? The upside is that you don’t have to deal with him about repeated small changes and he will get the message to start taking it (and you seriously). The downside is that it involves a letter from your solicitor and will make LCB unwilling to accept any variation to the court order if it is beneficial to you.

Would it be worthwhile or would the negatives outweigh the positives for you?