I am onit, hear me ROAR (occasionally)

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Thread no.5

Hope you all find me or I’ll just be talking to myself.

Thanks MrsP, that's what I was thinking, but expressed badly.
Onit says I don’t want my dc to know what kind of man their dad is. It’ll devastate them
Do yo think he will show you the same courtesy ?

mrsp and mix are spot on as usual! I do think we give our LCBs too much consideration. We try to shield the DC from the reality of what an arse their father is (a bit like our minds minimised the abuse from them for all the years they did it). We are trying to protect DC, we have the best intentions. Unfortunately LCBs do not have that same consideration for us. My LCB turned the DC against me, poisoned them, told them it was all my fault and all as a smoke screen to distract them from the introduction to the OW. The script was used, not to me, but to them. The poor man was forced to cheat, to lie, to move country, to deprive us of maintenance and assets and so on... because I was such a cow.

Please don't make the same mistake I did and try to protect them from the truth. My WA counsellor says you should state facts to the DC, not emotions, but still the truth so that you are not allowing the abuse to continue. Also, filter out the verbage when dealing with him. Trust what he does, not what he says. Facts again.

I can't suggest these often enough, I'm sorry for going on about them... try WA across the bridge, Freedom Programme and the book psychopath free. I see a pp has also found that book useful. It has helped me immensely.

Thanks stormsurfer
I have the phone number of the DASAT team who WA pointed me to.
I will give them a call later today.
I was also given the number for the Scottish women’s rights centre who apparently will give free legal advice.
I’m really concerned about disclosing the text messages for example, as it might not stand up to court scrutiny.

I feel overwhelmed with what I have to do. My head wants to burst.
I had a day of respite and feeling more positive after the court.
Now I feel like it’s back to 1000mph and more balls to juggle instead of less.
Aaaarrrrgggghhhhhh!!!!!!!

Onit, being concerned about disclosing the PROOF is because you are still afraid of him.
But actually you are RID of the LYING CHEATING BASTARD.
You cannot protect the children from the fact that he screwed you over in favour of Circus Pony. And now is trying to gradually shift them bit by bit to be more in his care & more on his side. His ultimate goal us to obliterate you as I have said in pp. There are obviously age appropriate conversations that need to be had,
Remember, he will be coaching them.
Ex. If lady asks you if you would like to spend time with baby sibling, say yes
If lady asks you if you are tired in breakfast club say yes
If you say to lady you want to spend more time with me I will buy you motor bike/pony/ticket to the moon

Don't panic. You have time

Just off the phone to lady at the domestic abuse team.
Not sure if I’m further forward.
I guess I’m hoping someone will tell me what to do (the irony of that is not lost on me).

I’m thinking (this second. Obv I will change my mind 20 times today) that I have enough evidence in emails and texts from after the split, to prove he has tried to bully and manipulate.
If I disclose the messages, whether they would be sufficient evidence or not, would put it in the mind of the reporter. That, alongside the failure to give them meds or treat for head lice or even cut their nails once in a while, might be enough to persuade the court that longer residential contact is not in the dcs interests.

The wrung our dishrag feeling is not my favourite though it seems to be my current normal state .

Stormsurfer, thank you. It was only when I posted I thought hang on I’m sure the book was mentioned on the thread by someone.

I’m finding it really interesting. My one is on almost every page and even though it’s no surprise to me I have to admit to feeling deflated by it. I think the next book I’d like to read would specifically be for women who’ve not seen the light till they’ve lived a lifetime with one of these souls. I find when I’m reading this one that I have a much younger women in my head when im thinking about what’s being said. Not that it matters at all but I’m feeling a generational disconnect with this one - for instance the ref to text messages and social media. Back in the day we had to go to the phonebox on the corner to speak to each other and if you dated put more than a sixpence in the slot someone outside would bang on the door and say it’s freezing out here, hurry up. It was like having a bucket of water thrown over you.

I’m five and a half years into this and it’s only now I realise that what a counsellor/psychiatrist said to me a few years ago was true. He said - the only way to ever be free of these people is to move continents and go missing.

I thought he was being a bit daft but the last few weeks where mine has taken a turnthat indicates an additional mental health problem or an age related condition I now see what the Dr meant.

Remember. The onus is on him to persuade that change will be beneficial to DC. The Sheriff wasn't persuaded . The stuffvre the car journey alone is probably enough tbh given the equity already.

Re exising arrangements. It is worth considering being magnanimous. Shoeing you are prepared to be flexible if in interests of DC etc. But again speak to lawyer. You are paying for him!

onit be kind to yourself, maybe step back from it for a few days? There is loads of time to face it. You've just had a huge stress with the court, it's understandable you feel wrung out.

polly I see what you mean, and yes a lot of it applies to younger, shorter term relationships. But have you got to the 30 signs of strength part yet? That was such a breakthrough part for me. I am also on the look out for a similar book to read next- let me know if you find it!

Onit this is just to acknowledge your posts. We crossposted on the last one.

Onit just a thought, would you be able to start divorce proceeding for unressonable behavior and cite the contents of the texts etc as examples of the behaviour?

Would it be an acceptable way, to you, of getting into the mix so to speak?

polly I see what you mean, and yes a lot of it applies to younger, shorter term relationships. But have you got to the 30 signs of strength part yet? That was such a breakthrough part for me. I am also on the look out for a similar book to read next- let me know if you find it!

I’ve not got to the 30 signs yet which is unusual for me because I barely even read a novel without dipping into it in various places and reading it all mixed up.

In fact this has made me laugh because I’m also reading ‘The Power Of Habit, why we do what we do and how to change’ and I must have taken something on board because I’m reading Psycopath Free the normal way. Not that I can say the same about the Habit Book. 😂

Will have a look for the kind of book we both would like to read.

onit can divorce him now purely on grounds of being separated for over 2 years as she lives in Scotland. He can't even contest it now - that only applied between one to two years apart.

I’m way out of touch with things after decades abroad. I thought you had to say why you wanted a divorce even though you’d still then get one.

Not in Scotland!

Thank you.

Why don’t you ask for your solicitor’s thoughts on whether or not to disclose the texts etc? If the messages won’t help your position you’ll know, if they could be helpful you’ll know. The solicitor will be able to tell you what is the best thing to do, from a tactical perspective. It may help you feel reassured, in that you can tell yourself “I’m doing what I’ve been advised is best” rather than “all the consequences of this decision will be on my shoulders”. Iyswim

From what I gathered Onit, you are already amenable to most of his requests for small changes. I assume you can site all the times you have agreed.
His real beef is all the driving on the same day.... but He chose to move....
So to compensate he wants them more of the time....but even for him, taking them to school & then driving back to work is nonesense. Any idiot can see that

Just thinking of you, Onit.

Spoke to ds this morning.
Tried to speak to both dc but as soon as I said I wanted to talk about what had happened between me and their dad, dd said she didn’t want to talk about it.
I asked if she’d go upstairs so I could talk to ds and she went off and left us to it.

I told him everything starting from the very beginning.

Took a while to get through it all and he asked a few questions. But, mostly he understood it or appeared to.
I had to explain what a sheriff was and a lawyer.
He understood his dad had lied not only to me, but to him too.
He also said, without prompting, that he didn’t want to stay at his dads on school nights because the once he had to, they’d had to wake up before 6.

When I told him someone would want to talk to him he asked what he’d need to say.
I said he might be asked about school and what he liked to do outside school. His friends and family.
He seemed ok.
I told him I was proud of him and how sensible he is. How he’s dealt with all the changes in his life.
I said I only ever wanted what’s best for him and his sister.
And he said I know that mummy. You just want to take care of us.
He seemed keen to check that I was happy.
Asked if bf made me happy. I said yes. That it sometimes made me sad that he lives so far away but that we would figure it out in time.

I love my boy so much and it was so reassuring to listen to his thoughts on all of this. He really has handled it well. And he seems well adjusted despite the difficulties he and his sister have had.

I hope I did the right thing telling him.

I guess tomorrow will be DD’s turn. I will simplify for her. I don’t want to upset her. Just need to tell her about the reporter and give her time to think about it.

You are such a brilliant Mum, and your DS is a superstar.

Out of the mouths of babes Onit.

That sounds absolutely perfect Onit, Very well done.
Your DS is a star

Onit, what LCB is asking for is completely bonkers.

You live a few minutes walk from the school and he wants them to have to drive for an hour to go to school, for the sake of having overnights with him.

When he moved away by CHOICE.

The children do not want to to do this, and your DD gets car sick.

Such a pity that you have to go to court, both spending 1000's of pounds for something that ANY reasonable person will see RIGHT AWAY is bonkers. Completely bonkers.

You already know this. This process is so complicated and I know that you need to get it all right and it will take a lot of effort and time. Effort and time that would be better spent on things that actually benefit the children.

I am so sure that the Sherriff and everyone involved will have the measure of him and see how utterly insane this all is

I am just so sorry about all the stress this is causing you in the meantime.

What is best for your kids and what they want is going to be the biggest priority, and of course they are not going to want to travel for an hour before school when they could just pop across the road. Of course that's not what's best for them. It's barmy.

LCB might well be surprised to learn that not everything revolves around him.

There is a court order for contact so why am I now in the midst of an email argument about contact?!?

Apparently I am wilfully misrepresenting the intent of the order by complying with it and not honouring the arrangements for the rest of the school holidays.

I tend to think if the sheriff had issued an order with all the residential contact he asked for, he’d be expecting me to comply the second we got out of the court room.

I suppose I brought it on myself by not doing that and making an exception for his birthday on Thursday.