I am onit, hear me ROAR (occasionally)

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Thread no.5

Hope you all find me or I’ll just be talking to myself.

Is the overnight thing to reduce his payments?

I just lost a massive reply
Let me see if I can answer more succinctly.

Do you see the XPIL any more ?
No.
When I found out the dc were going there when we were in court I mentioned that it’s been ages since their gp’s had visited.
Dd came home last night saying she’d invited her GM to lunch and had I had a text from her yet as she’d said she’d message me.
It’s been 2 days. No text.

Do you know this teacher he has named ?
Not sure who he named but it shouldn’t matter.
I named the head who was so helpful after the snow day incident and again when the writ arrived just before the holidays.
She and the deputy head both agreed they would do what they could for me if I needed it.

Why would either of them lie ?
Because she’s his mum?
And because who knows what he’s said about me.

I honestly don't see that his obtuse desire to take DC to school, warrants an hour's unnecessary drive before school. Where does he work ?
He works in the city. Close to his house.

Why did they move so far away?
I have no idea. It’s close to his work. Close to his parents. As far as I know she’s got no family in the city. No ties to the area.
But she’s had a baby there. She might’ve made friends with other new mums.
Hopefully enough to mean they’ll never move here.

Does he drive them to school, & then drive back to the city ? what possible advantage is there?
That’s his suggestion.
I have no idea why he thinks this would be good for the children.
No one I’ve ever asked could think of one either.
He would have a 2 hour journey to work when he lives 15 minutes or so from his office

Maybe this is what the Sheriff needs to consider... that his motivation is driven by wanting to punish/dominate/obliterate you
I will take every opportunity during the interview process to drop these into the conversation.

The tears actually gave me a boost during the hearing.
It proved to me I could predict his behaviour. I know him. He doesn’t know me. He certainly doesn’t respect me.

I’m pretty sure I can provide dates for his adultery.
I kicked him out 3 days after he admitted the affair.

I have no doubt the overnights are to reduce payments.
His lawyer said he wasn’t “a man of exuberant means” when the sheriff asked if he would pay for the report.
But he decided then and there to spend £4k. His rent on a 3 bed flat in the city will be half his take home pay.

I emailed my lawyer today to clarify some points.
Is the interim order in place immediately?
If so it will mean changing agreed arrangements for the rest of the summer holidays. He will lose 2 or 3 days and have to cover a couple of non residential visits that he had “given up” in order to allow for an extra overnight on his birthday (which I would’ve agreed to anyway).

I asked about the report. Expressed my concern that it would now mean the dc being involved. Also meaning that I have no option now but to tell them at least some of what has been going on in order to explain that they will be meeting someone soon who will be asking them questions about it.
I asked what they might be asked, when and where it would happen, and if they’d be seen separately or together.

I also asked if I could add more to the list of people who might be interviewed for the report.

Sorry. That’s not succinct at all

It's not just the unnecessary 2 hour car journey (on a good day) that he has to take, it's also getting your poor DC out of bed at least an hour or so earlier than they need to be to get to school on time. He moved away. Crazy.

I bet he shat himself when he was cornered and had no choice than to pay £4K for the welfare report. He probably thought the Sheriff would either ask you to pay. No wonder he was crying! £4K is a lot of petrol money.

Just thinking about the dropping them at school issue again. If he takes the DC to school for the right time, won't that make his journey to work much longer than an hour and also won't he then be in danger of being late for work? Could that mean he would expect them not only to get up an hour earlier to do the journey but also even earlier so that he gets back on time?

He is all about appearances and the only benefit to anyone I can see is that he will get to be SEEN to be dropping them and so he will think that the rest of the parents SEE what a wonderfully involved father he is. It's all about what he imagines the perception of himself to be, not the reality- which is that they are thinking what a twat he is for making his DC do that journey in a school day!

It wouldn't be part of a long term plan to move schools, would it? Like the gymnastics class?

With regards to proof of adultery, they have a child together. That is pretty comprehensive proof in addition to all the other information you have gathered.

It is fantastic that you can now see him as he is and use that to predict his behaviour. That means that you are in control now.

I’m curious as to which teacher he has chosen to speak to the reporter regarding the child welfare report. Sounds like you have it more than covered with the head and deputy head though.

I also wondered the same as apileofballyhoo - could it be part of a longer term strategy on his part?

Over my dead body will he move them schools!
I’m sure there are lots of “better” schools but they go to this one.
Unless I win the £67m jackpot tonight, they will go to the high school here too which isn’t the best school either but they are intelligent kids. They will be supported through school by me and him so they will be ok.

He has flexitime and is high enough that he can suit himself pretty much as long as he works his core hours. Or at least that’s how it was when we were together.
Certainly when he was in the run up to ending our marriage he was conducting his affair during the day with presumably long lunch breaks. He would then spend his evenings working in the kitchen (and presumably also continuing his affair by text).
Told me he had lots of project deadlines and staff sickness issues.
Stopped being there for bathtime. Stopped reading stories and putting to bed. Started spending more time at his “hobby”, leaving me to practice being a single parent.
Now he’s crying in court about missing outing his dc to bed and taking them to school .

When he was commuting from here when we were married he complained regularly about it taking well over an hour.
So certainly he’d spend 2 hours in a car bringing them to school and then going back for work.
I guess he’d be able to argue he wasn’t putting himself first in that but he can’t argue that the hour journey for the dc is better than the

^If I told his mother or sister the things he said in those texts to her when ds was ill in hospital. If I published some of the abusive texts and emails he’s sent to me since the split.
If I reported what he did to me during our marriage to the police. If I informed his employers of his conduct when he was skipping work to sleep with his mistress. If I informed her employers of her comments in those text messages (she works with children) about leaving a 4 year old alone so they could meet up and fuck.^

Onit, You have this information, tell him to just fuck off now, or you will indeed use it. he doesn't know you have this little time bomb, USE IT

Am I correct in thinking that the children have had some episodes of travel sickness while being drive to and from his house? If so, how is that conducive to them having a productive learning day at school if they get car sick again on the school morning trips with him?

As always, he's a selfish knobhead.

Agatha
One of the reasons he was insistent on the report was that he disputes dd has car sickness.
He seems to think because she’s not actually vomiting she isn’t ill.
He disputes that travelling is an issue or that the changes he wants would unsettle them. He disputes that he needs to wake them earlier as they are in breakfast club anyway and he would be bringing them later for the start of the school day. (They don’t go to breakfast club on Fridays).

He just doesn’t respect me. As a mother. As a woman. As a human being.

How many times I’ve thought about using the stuff I have on him, Mix, to make him fuck off?
It is basically blackmail and I don’t think I can stoop that low.
It feels wrong and I want to feel like I have done this right.
But, then again, I’m talking about using it with the reporter.
Is that morally better?

What happens if you don't use it?
People don't know the truth about him and this could cause him to harm others including your own children. Telling the truth so he can't misrepresent himself is for your DCs best interest.

I would use the evidence. Share it with the reporter. He or she will decide if it's relevant. The texts and emails are a valuable audit trail of a course of conduct. They are date stamped and traceable to his phone and Internet address. Consider sharing in the interests of fairness and transparency of course. He can't deny he didn't write them. You wouldn't want to be accused of withholding vital information. .

Doesn’t he have some sort of parent role at your DC’s school, I bet the teacher for the report is someone he’s pally with due to that, who he thinks will say what a great guy he is, rather than one of their classroom teachers who actually knows them.

As for the breakfast club versus sitting in a car for an hour or so, surely at the breakfast club they are socialising with their friends/peers and get the chance to play as well as eat breakfast which is good for their development. Children benefit from stability not by being shunted around to suit someone else.

He sounds like he is one of the big cheeses at his work. He thinks he can behave how he likes, people have to do what he wants, and now he’s living a new shiny life in a fancy city apartment the match his perceived status in life. However maybe he just can’t finance this new shiny life, and reducing the child support he gives you is one way to be able to afford it.

Now he’s crying in court about missing outing his dc to bed and taking them to school Well that's a consequence of his actions, he choose to opt out of his family. At least the court will have seen this all before.

It's never going to be in the best interest of young children to travel an hour to school, what happens when the bad weather comes and there are delays and your DC are getting into school late and their attendance becomes an issue. Not to mention how unsettling it will be the dc disturbing the class all the time.

Onit, again he's a great example of the' theory of mind' in that he has absolutely no idea other people have their own thoughts on what he sees to be his version of things. He thinks because he believes it/wants it then everyone else will and the fact is he'll be sitting at home wondering just where it all went wrong for him in the hearing the other day. He's just not capable of believing other people are capable on independent thought and he'll be thinking the judge was biased.

Im actually laughing at the last few posts here because they're showing just what a numpty he is. The posters here have him well and truly sussed and much of what they've written is your argument for why the school drop thing wont work. Its an actual pity you need a lawyer to help you do this because these posters have it in the bag and wouldn't need paid.

Im reading good book right now and i thought it might help you as well. Its called Psychopath Free and its by Jackson MacKenzie. Oh and it has your 'triangulation' on page 7.

How can he dispute that a child who presumably says she feels sick when travelling in a car, has car sickness? It's so common in children. Oh well, there's two sides to that one, and if you are telling the report writer that she does feel sick, and presumably if your daughter is asked that question she might say she feels sick (and even if she doesn't, the reporter will be well used to the fact that children don't like to say anything that they feel will get either parent into trouble, or them into trouble for saying it), then it will have to be taken into account.

You definitely need to factually state to the reporter anything that is relevant to the level of care that he and his gf might actually give the children, as opposed to what he says he will give. If you have evidence to back it up, then so much the better. I wouldn't say anything to him though. He won't be expecting that you have this stuff, but if he does expect it, I don't think he'll back off, I think he'll try to retaliate with bullshit about you that will just muddy the waters.

I also think you can tell the reporter his reaction to telling him that she feels car sick, (email text etc.) as it will be all about him.

Also someone who would leave a four year old on their own, in working hours, for a booty call is irresponsible.

I also wonder if she is giving him grief that he is driving the children back to your home and not helping her with looking after the baby those evenings. They can’t have much quality time together (ha ha!).

You definitely need to factually state to the reporter anything that is relevant to the level of care that he and his gf might actually give the children, as opposed to what he says he will give. If you have evidence to back it up, then so much the better. I wouldn't say anything to him though. He won't be expecting that you have this stuff, but if he does expect it, I don't think he'll back off, I think he'll try to retaliate with bullshit about you that will just muddy the waters

I agree that the reporter should be told and I’m pretty sure Onit telling her solicitor all she did also helped on the day in that it shed light in the character. I can imagine him sitting there thinking ‘holy hell there’s the tears she said would happen’.

You are right of course, showing your cards to LCB & Circus Pony too soon is not strategic good sense.
But Onit, You sound like you are embarrassed to tell anyone about the coercion. There is no shame on you, only revusion at him.
As for the clear proof of lack of care when DS was in hospital. It really shows him at the core.
So tell the reporter, tell the Sheriff, unload that sack.

It’s not embarrassment so much as fear.
Fear of what comes after.
I don’t want my dc to know what kind of man their dad is. It’ll devastate them.

How do I tell them about what has gone on?
They need to know something before they are questioned by the reporter.

As time goes by your DC will become only too aware of what kind of man he is. It may be that they have some sense of his selfishness already. You don't need to go into detail at this point but neither can you protect them from the reality of who he is indefinitely. They will work it out themselves.

Part of your anxiety and fear is because you have covered up/ protected his image for so long. That's the abuse and control . And it still impacts even after the relationship ends. But you have come so far. You can continue to move forward and you absolutely will.

They are too young to understand the vileness, but you owe him nothing.
I would not protect him, he doesn't deserve it.

I'm sorry but onit isn't trying to protect ex. She's trying to protect her kids.

@onitlikeacarbonnet I haven't been in your position so take this advice with that in mind. It's intended to give your kids the heads up that a stranger is coming to see them and ask them questions, remind them that you love them, highlight that adults can ask for help, and demonstrate that you're taking care of them and putting them first.

Anyway, I'd probably go along the lines or something like ...

Sometimes it can be difficult to make a decision - strawberry ice cream or chocolate? - and for grown ups it can be really tough because we have to make decisions that affect other people too, like when Mummy choses what to make for dinner - you have to eat what I've made.

There are times when we have a choice to make that has no 'right answer'. It's helpful sometimes to talk about our choices with another grown up, so that they can give us advice and help us make the best decision for everyone.

Mummy & Daddy have a few small decisions to make and we're a bit stuck. We love you so much and want to make the best decisions for our family. So we've asked someone to help and give us their advice.

Someone [if you know man/woman then say so] is going to come to see us and chat about all our ideas. He/she will probably want to talk to you about school, and they may even ask what your favourite television programme is, and other questions to get to know you a little.

Then after a few weeks of thinking time all the grown ups will get together to work out what the best choice is. So it's fair to everyone.

I don't know when this person is coming to see us yet but it will be before half term / Christmas / xyz birthday.

I hope this helps x

I knoe she isn"t trying to protect him. But the dynamic of an abusive relationship isn't easily or quickly shaken off. That's what the coercion and control are about.

It is precisely because she wants to protect her DC that it is so difficult to bring this into the open.

And there will be advice and support on how to deal with DC. And your lawyer may have suggestions too.

In my opinion though I wouldn't raise the suggestion of being fair to everyone. That could put a burden of responsibility on the DC to attempt to " please" you and LCB.

Actually this entirely unnecessary report is about the welfare of the DC (already decided by Sheriff to be status quo). It is about what is best for them. That is all.