NC (No Contact) thread #11: learning all the way

[Belonger]

A thread for anyone going/maintaining/struggling with/succeeding in going NC with someone for whatever reason. No judgement, just lots of support. All different situations welcome.

Many of us have found www.baggagereclaim.co.uk useful, worth a look for helpful articles and podcasts

How did i suddenly find them after 28 years? i didnt even know i'd got them, hardly remembered them. Feels like a ticking bomb! The first one was grumpy, and I thought: 'ha! I was meant to find these, he was always an arse! but the 2nd was so loving. But that was then. I need to tuck them away but i dont know if i can? sorry. me me me.

Keep going everyone.

Update- after 36 days NC I sent a short hi, hope you’re ok text to my NC. He replied with something equally banal 3 days later. So I wrote and sent a long email saying goodbye: telling him how much I loved him and wished we had talked and tried to make it work, but that I respected his decision, was getting on with my life and wished him well and hoped he was happy. I feel I have had my say have signed off in a respectful way.

I’m done now. Will never proactively contact him again, and am trying to work on my own self-esteem (or lack of it) and resilience so that I can be happy in myself.

I’d love him to come back, but I can’t hope or base my happiness on that. He knows where I am - neither of us has blocked the other. I think we have parted on good terms. For what it’s worth he did reply - thank me for the email and promised a fuller response when he was less busy. I almost don’t want to hear from him again actually.

So I’m not on here so much as I’m not counting NC anymore. The reality is that relationship is over and I need to move on.

But the NC days really helped. My email was kind and dignified. God knows what emotional rantings I’d have sent him if I hadn’t taken time out to reflect. And I don’t feel the pain do acutely now, he’s even getting a bit blurry in my recollection of him. So keep it up everyone!

Ravens I'm so pleased you have found some peace. It sounds like the email was dignified and that sending it has given you some degree of closure. I agree that NC really helps, and it's heartening when people update (like VileyRose - thank you!!) who are a long way down the line and can confirm that we will heal and that with time, they will slip from our thoughts.

Ravens you have been so dignified throughout this whole thing. You are inspirational.

Basseting hope you're feeling okay after finding the letters. I found a diary recently of just before I started going out with NC 20yrs ago. What I had written was exactly how I had remembered it. It really shook me. Mind yourself

Ravens that's awesome, you should be really proud of yourself. Dignity is hard when you're hurting.

NC wants to talk tomorrow to sort it out. He's apologised for his behaviour. I don't know what to do now

I am a lurker currently in an NC situation. This thread has been a fortuitous find. I am very grateful to long time posters for their experiences and words of wisdom. I have imprinted in my brain Silence is very powerful. In moments of weakness I have recalled it and lived it. Thank you all.

Mermaid I'm not sure if your story, sorry, but what does he want to sort out?

Any guidelines or tips when you live across the road from the NC and have a baby together?

I have noticed if I pull back and not reply to messages etc he goes overboard trying to contact me. The minute he's in front of me I just melt.... I'd love to be stronger.

Literary - we were together for 2 1/2 years he works as a professional musician for a reasonably famous person. He's away a lot on tour as a result. It's taken it's toll very hard he can be incredibly selfish. My days off are so seldom and precious and when I've taken time off to be with him he's spent it working which has really irritated me. We had a weekend away recently and the whole weekend was spent looking for clothes and ended in an argument when I asked to change the subject away from the current tour.
These are the negatives tho it's easy to cast a bleak picture

He makes me laugh and we share a very similar sense of humour. He's kind and gentle

I don't know

NK thanks, I need to mind myself carefully I think?

Coffee pot on early this morning. I have been awake since 3.30.
I have read the letters, cried, emailed him (not sent it yet).
What jumps out at me is how much he loved me (and me him) and how doomed it was in the circs.
I am desperate to send the email. DESPERATE to jump on a train.
Ooof.

Talk me down someone please? I love him SO MUCH.

DON'T SEND IT AND DON'T GET ON A TRAIN

You're in love with a fantasy, with words, not the real man. The real man has treated you like you're nothing. Sorry to be harsh but he has, he has even taken money from you without even acknowledging it.

Nostalgia and old letters, they are sooooooo evocative, but they're not real life. Sorry basseting

Old Belonger I am trying to hold onto my dignity, honestly. I have worked so hard to regain it.
The 1st three letters I found were typical pompous nonsense from him and one was really brutal. My replies were good (pleased to note!) but loving too. So far so good. I thought i was 'meant' to find the letters after all, might help me 'move on' etc. But then I found a bunch of letters from him saying how much he loved me, really trying to help me, evidencing such care. And I'd rejected him. And I thought how he had loved me, and how he'd given up. And how we'd tried again, against all the odds. And how the last letter i sent with the £ was so angry. And i need to email to apologise?

This time last year I hadn't even met him so it's perfectly believable that I could meet someone else if I wanted. This, literary devil !! Very , very true .

Ravens REALLY well done on all of that ! Time to move on, they do . It does get better .

basseting just NO . Belonger has summed it up perfectly ! No apologies needed.

Day 57 and he is receding further . Haven't looked at his WhatsApp Last Seen in a long time . He is settling into a "he was here for a reason " but he was never the man for me . I knew it at the time but I was blinded at the time . I am beginning to see things in a different light. Honestly it just takes time and stubbornness like me. Value yourself , ladies !

Hi everyone on holiday now so not posting as much... Still struggling but I am putting one foot forward (and I have a tan at least!) @basseting you have opened up a wound that was starting to heal.... As much as you want to please try and not reach out lovely.... You are actually far further down the road than you realise although I know it doesn't seem so today...

Basseting my lovely do not send that email. These letters are from years ago and now mean nothing. I have old love letters from my first boyfriend professing undying love. He is now happily married and has no feelings for me because they were written 20yrs ago in the moment.

Even the messages that my NC wrote to me 6 months ago have no meaning. I deleted them all. They aren't current thoughts and feelings. His actions have shown he doesn't care about you. He didn't respond about your operation. Honestly I know he is familiar to you but he is not nice

That's so true, nk, actions actions actions are what counts. And yes the letters have opened a wound that was healing, don't let it get infected by contacting him. Think about being back at day 1,having to start healing all over again, going through the withdrawal all over again,it would be just awful. Maybe read back some of your earliest posts, how very broken you said you felt when you last saw him - I remember that really clearly.

This will pass, keep posting

Words are NOTHING . ( except our ones on here ! ) Actions DO talk louder than words.

ah, the £ bit was my fault. I sent it, told him he owed me a moral duty of care and asked him to travel 350m in 2 days time. Bit daft really - he was never going to respond well to that! but he should have said: i'm glad when i texted after the surgery. Reading the letters it is so clear we loved each other. so sad. I have managed not to send the email so far. Tis going to be a long day. Boof, didnt see this coming!

THANK GOODNESS FOR THIS THREAD!!!!

Basseting, stay strong you can do it. As hard as it the letters are in the past my lovely. Cherish how much love you can feel there was but as an old memory. He is no longer right for you. Remember wafting by in the summer.

okdbook I hear you. The rollercoaster of emotions is awful. Combination of every emotion you can think of. Sometimes happening in the same day
Day 22. Still counting it helps. When will this torment go away? I’m trying.