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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

NC (No Contact) thread #11: learning all the way

999 replies

Belonger · 02/04/2018 12:42

A thread for anyone going/maintaining/struggling with/succeeding in going NC with someone for whatever reason. No judgement, just lots of support. All different situations welcome.

Many of us have found www.baggagereclaim.co.uk useful, worth a look for helpful articles and podcasts

OP posts:
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NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 04/04/2018 19:07

In hope I didn't miss anyone Ginger!

ThePartingLass · 04/04/2018 19:56

NK I do agree with what you said about blocking inflating their ego and showing them you give a shit and that's why I didn't unfriend or block at the outset. Plus he never posts, just uses it for messenger really. But I had to do it on Friday, reluctantly, for my own mental health, that had to take priority. He hadn't even put stuff up - others had , and tagged him. I was a sobbing mess all night. Damnit. Embarrassed that old friend saw me in such a state but glad he was there.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 04/04/2018 20:00

Theparting I absolutely agree with you that if it is interfering with your mental health it has to be done. Hope you are okay

ThePartingLass · 04/04/2018 20:01

Bassetting sorry your having a rough time of it at the moment. 💐 and a hug from me! Hope exh improves soon so you can get some space. And I hope your sleep is less turbulent tonight - dreams can affect our daytime thoughts 'tis true. I wish you sweet dreams tonight!

Original poster
Belonger · 04/04/2018 20:02

I think we all need to do whatever is best for us at the time, there are no rules that will work for everyone. And who gives a monkey's what anyone else thinks? Our wellbeing is more important xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Belonger · 04/04/2018 20:03

Sorry about ExH basseting, is he staying with you? If the kids won't go to him, maybe they don't see him. It's just not reasonable for you to have him in the house.

OP posts:
Dimael · 04/04/2018 20:05

Day 3 and feeling miserable as sin! Please tell me i will stop waiting for him to call soon?

ThePartingLass · 04/04/2018 20:08

Lonelycrab I understand your hurting and very upset and angry with her. But .... I'm not sure you were right telling her to get lost for offering the use of her car. Your ds is the priority here and if borrowing her car would facilitate you spending time with your son you maybe need to bite your tongue, swallow your pride and accept her offer. Sorry if there's a backstory that I'm not aware of. Hope your ok. Sorry if I'm speaking out of turn.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 04/04/2018 20:16

Yes I agree everyone needs to do what's best for themselves. What works for one person won't work for another

ThePartingLass · 04/04/2018 20:21

Thanks NK, yes I feel tentatively better today. Such a shame about the fb situation... I was benefiting from going NC with the world and feeling quite at peace. Then the fb think happened and all that progress was lost in one fell swoop.

Fb really is such a double edged sword isn't it. So useful in some ways, e.g. to reach out to people, even in the middle of the night I can feel shit, can't sleep, go on, and spot a good friend from another time zone is on, so have a natter. That's the good side. But the downsides of it can be beyond brutal.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 04/04/2018 20:36

I'm so glad I'm not friends with my NC on FB as it would drive me nuts

Basseting · 04/04/2018 21:19

ginger parting belonger thanks for your kind words about the dream. I have struggled to shake it off today. What sort of pathetic fool am i to still be dreaming of him when he has been so bloody cruel? Day 26 since card and Day 60 (?) since saw/spoke. But last time he haunted my dreams for bloody years. I hate myself for that. If there was an ANTI-DOM sleeping tablet I'd take it!!!

I do find ExH hard, yes. Atm I am at our old house (with kids). He was supposed to be taking them out for the day but 1 refused to go so I've not had any solo time even so. It's always been like this. Either I have them 24/7 or I have to tag along or they wont go. He was so unreliable when they were young that they never had a single day just with him, I never thought it would still be happening. Perhaps I am better totally alone but then they only have me (no extended family that are interested)

Tictactic · 04/04/2018 21:52

Not feeling good tonight. Looking at photos of him and he is the man of my dreams. I want him but he doesn't want me Sad in some ways I wish we had never met then I wouldn't have experienced the feeling a I did. I don't think anyone will come close to him

LiteraryDevil · 04/04/2018 21:55

Tictac the man of your dreams wouldn't have treated you like this. You have t found the man of your dreams yet. He was just practice and a lesson from which to learn.

Tictactic · 04/04/2018 22:03

Thanks Literary. He did everything so right at the start but then did a u turn. It felt so right never felt as right before. I feel I'm not good enough. Can't get him out of my mind tonight. I don't understand. I think he hasn't properly emotionally separated from wife (separated a year)..

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 04/04/2018 22:34

Basseting you are doing so so well. Can't believe it's day 26 since the card. Please be proud of yourself

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 04/04/2018 22:36

Literary is right Tictac and it's true for all of our NCs. If they were truly the men of our dreams we wouldn't have treated us the way they did

Tictactic · 04/04/2018 22:37

I'm so dissapointed NK. I feel like I'm going to be on my own forever. He did it for me until the u turn.

LiteraryDevil · 04/04/2018 22:42

Sharing this as one of my favourite songs. Very poignant. Have a listen if you can find it as it's beautiful. Very rare to find a GB original on YouTube but you'll find a cover.

The Dance
Garth Brooks
"Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared beneath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd have to miss the dance
Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I the king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance
Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance"

Tictactic · 04/04/2018 22:49

Thanks Literary. Just listened to it and sums it up..

Basseting · 04/04/2018 22:58

NK thank you. It is SO HARD.
I'd rather have missed 'the dance' than go through this though.

Bloodyuselessatthinkingofaname · 04/04/2018 23:06

Ah the old dilemma....better to have known them or not .....God only knows !

tictactic - take it from an old bird we all think this many times in our lives "no one will come close to him "......

OldBook · 05/04/2018 06:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VileyRose · 05/04/2018 07:04

I wanted to just post here I have reached the year Mark today. I understand your journey is so so hard...hang in!

Original poster
Belonger · 05/04/2018 07:23

Thanks for popping in Vileyrose, good to hear you're at such a milestone.

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