NC (No Contact) thread #11: learning all the way

[Belonger]

A thread for anyone going/maintaining/struggling with/succeeding in going NC with someone for whatever reason. No judgement, just lots of support. All different situations welcome.

Many of us have found www.baggagereclaim.co.uk useful, worth a look for helpful articles and podcasts

Evening all. I'm behind in the thread again. sorry!
@Dimeal. I understand how you feel. I wish I could unmeet him too. I really could kick myself for getting involved. We somehow need to hold onto some positives. I'm struggling to do so and parent.
@Literary. you akways report back nice times with your mum and LO. glad you're in that positive place.
I scanned over the thread. to the person who saw her ex. to you. are you feeling any better now. I actually couldn't cope with that. however it also won't happen.
@Lucky34. hang in there and don't beat yourself up. you will get there and slowly some energy will return. meanwhile you must take care of yourself. stay away from social media. what about counselling?
the pain is unbearable I've been there a few times. distraction helps too. deceit is horrendous.. karma will get him

Oh girls I accidentally swiped right on NC's brother!!!!!! Was watching Made In Chelsea so wasn't really paying attention to who I was swiping. His brother actually has a girlfriend so shouldn't be on Tinder anyway. Just shows what they are both like though doesn't it. I feel like an idiot because if we match both him and NC will be working together the next two days. Not sure if NC ever showed who I was though so I doubt he'd even know who I am. I honestly did not mean to swipe right but there's nothing I can do to unswipe it. But if we match I'll just unmatch lol. AWKWARD.

Feeling a bit stronger tonight, I think speaking to other guys helps as it shows me there's others out there.

@meow. awkward! hopefully he won't swipe right.
good it's helping you chat to others. I tried looking on OLD and I'm just not interested. as I met my NC online it has put me off.
my self esteem and confidence have taken such a knock and I'm just not ready.

@Tictactic thank you!! I hope it gets easier and my thoughts are not consumed by him. I keep telling myself to move on and forget him but I can't seem to do it. Clearly he has so I guess it will just happen one day. I've booked counselling as there is no way I can do this myself. Xx

Really struggled today, checked and he's not been on whatsapp since 8.31 am which isn't like him at all. Two years ago today I found out my ex husband was sleeping with a friend and now two years later I'm sad about another guy lol. Is it too much to just want to be happy xx

@Lucky34. it does get easier. it really is awful feeling consumed by someone and something that is no longer 'there' if that makes sense? It's almost like being haunted! I'm certainly living in the past and feel stuck. I'm glad you have some counselling booked in. I start this week.
it like an addiction. I listened to a few Matthew hussey videos in the earlier days.
don't feed the addiction!
@Flowergirl5. can you take his number out of your phone to make it harder to check whatsapp? also delete all chats? I did the same. if I want to check now I have to put his number back in my phone. I don't check now. just the odd occasion (perhaps once a week if that?) It's not too much to want to be happy. we all want that. We want to be happy with someone we can trust and who is worthy!
I do feel close to giving up on the hope of love. it makes me sad I feel this way. however, divorced and exh of 13 years left when d's a baby. 2 relationships since and 2 miscarriages. recent NC seemed the one. it's hit me hard as I met some barriers down. ridiculous as very short encounter but left me on the floor so to speak.

Tictac I feel like giving up on love. My ex husband broke my heart like no else would be able to. I got on with it, few little flings and then I met last ex. I honestly can't say a bad word about him, he's the most caring, loving person I've ever met but due to his family commitments with sick parent we hardly got to see each other over the last few months. We've not fallen out, it's been amicable and we both love each other but guess now isn't the right time to be together 💔 xx

@flowergirl5. did he break it off?
my NC did the same due to issues with his daughter and not being ready for a relationship. I then saw him back online so it was bollocks I thought he was the nicest person if ever met

Tictac I'd tried to end it a couple of weeks ago and he wanted us to carry on and try then last week he said it wasn't fair on me as he was having to cancel plans we had made again and he couldn't give me what I needed (more time) I just accepted it and didn't put up a fight. Within an hour he'd messaged me saying he loved me so much and wasn't sure he'd done the right thing. Can't believe your ex went back on line xx

@Tictactic I know what you mean about an addiction. That's exactly how it feels. My days were consumed by him.. either talking to him, thinking of him, spending time with him, thinking of how to keep him happy. I put him ahead of everything & now my life feels empty & I feel like a shell. I honestly don't know how to get myself back to normal let alone thinking straight ... I check WhatsApp constantly and have blocked him countless times but then change it in case he wants to get in touch with me. How ridiculous am I?? I'm trying to get to not thinking of him every 5 mins.... I'm not sure how I'll get to a week!!!

Ive just had a reread of my list and the last message I sent him which have reminded me of exactly why I'm happier since being on my own! Ugh. What a loser.

Hi everyone. Not caught up on the whole thread but noticed a few newcomers. So sad that there's so many of us trying to get over partners that aren't worthy of us but welcome to the thread

A friend of mine described my NC as an emotional ball & chain. It was spot on. I was seeing him through rose tinted glasses. I was in love with the fantasy of who I thought he was/might be. When really he's a selfish using head f*ck.

I'm feeling more positive but the wave of emotions & the massive downers are all consuming, exhausting & depressing. They are definately like a drug tictac

flowergirl can you delete WhatsApp? I did as I checked & saw he'd changed his WA pic to a sexy selfie....looked just like an OLD pic, that set me back so I deleted WA. The temptation to check when he was online, continually check my phone for messages from him & message him has now gone. It's a big help.

Going NC is really really hard but I can feel him fading a bit. I still wake up & think of him. He still comes in to be head all day & I go to sleep thinking of him. But I'm still functioning, working, raising dc....So I take strength from that & plough on.

good morning all. hope sleep has rested some minds a little. in the earlier days I couldn't sleep so at least that has improved.
@flowergirl5. was it early on in the relationship? I'm cynical and think if he wanted to make time he would and you'd work around it. especially if he loves you. I was shocked, dumbstruck to see my ex immediately online.
@Lucky34. it does ease off. it is like drug withdrawal. try to distract yourself. work will help where you are forced to think about other things. this is normal for the first week. keep going!
@literary. keep reading that list and reinforce it in your mind.
@pine. definitely a fantasy. I'm.making out my NC to be perfect. it's awful. I also didn't know him too well, it was short lived but I certainly felt like I was falling in love

Morning all, how's people feeling today?

*It's me pops!! Name changed That's all.
*
I deleted my messenger from Facebook, because I kept looking to see if he was online (never got a last online and I deleteed him) but everytike I saw is green dot.... I felt really low. So last night I decided to delete th app. Haven't added his number back in what's app since Saturday. So that's something

3weeks now NC from me. Getting easy but getting so hard too :( just want him to message me and ask about baby. :/ hate that I want that to happen when I know it won't

Morning all. I need to catch up as not really read properly all weekend.
Yet another beautiful morning here and we are off to my LO's activity class this morning. Feel like death with horrendous period pain and a bloated stomach that's making me look 6 months pregnant First period in months so to be expected but still feels rotten.
Hope everyone is feeling brighter today

Hey girls, I feel so much stronger today. Not sure if it's the sun shining or the time helping. It's 2 weeks NC since I sent my last you treated me like crap now f-off but I'll miss you message. This Sunday it will be 4 WEEKS into blocking him!!! Which is INSANE. I have only ever gone a week without talking to him, and that was torture, so this is progress. I thought of him when I woke up this morning, sort of had a sad sigh and then thought fuck it, and got on with my day. I guess going on Tinder has made me remember he is just one fuckboy of many out there to meet haha. Although so far nobody else has made me go 'wow I can't wait to meet you', but there do seem to be some decent people out there.

Just nice to chat to people. Hope you are all having a good day, I definitely found YouTube dating videos help, so much out there about self worth and red flags etc. You need to know you are better than reaching out to these losers. But at the same time they are like a drug and we will have moments where we want to cave- I mean, just yesterday I was planning on unblocking mine. Shows how emotions can change so much in 24 hours.

Pineappleeyes I feel at the same stage as you now. We've also been through similar things. I definitely agree with deleting whatsapp - or just blocking the guy! That's what I've done, such a relief.

LiteraryDevil Morning hun, good to see you back. Hope the period pains go soon, I was suffering last week, not nice :(

Lucky34 You put him first, above everything else. I also do that and it's WRONG. Now it's time to start putting YOURSELF first. Think of things you want to do with your life, even on a daily basis do something that you've been putting off. Start getting on with your life. Stop checking his Whatsapp constantly - allow yourself maybe 3 checks a day then reduce it the next week and the next week. You are in the obsessive stage and it's because letting go of these final things means letting go of him and you don't feel ready for that yet. You WILL get to a week, because I didn't think I could and I'm into week 4 of blocking him which is insane.

Thanks meow.

I'm really missing my NC today. Think it's the sun and thinking what a great time we had last summer with lots of trips away in the caravan. I miss that. However there's no coming back from this really is there???

"After some thinking and discussion with friends the conclusion is that you are an emotionally inept and abusive, gaslighting manchild who can't cope with anything in life or accept responsibility for your actions or mistakes. As such I do not want to have anything to do with you so we cannot be friends as you'd hoped. It is clear to see why your wife left you and I feel sorry for her. I only had 11 months of your abusive, sulky, pathetic, self-pitying, can't-even-plan-a-date shit; she had years of it and is tied to you for life because you had children together. She has my deepest sympathies. One day you might wake up and realise how you lost everything that was any good in your life because of the way you treated them. I'd feel sorry for you too, but you only have yourself to blame. "

Did you send that to him Literary?

I luckily didn't have my NC in my life last Summer, in fact it was my first Summer single, so luckily I don't have any memories to pine over. I know if I did I would be mourning them badly right now.

There isn't really a way to come back from this now, no. Unless they have a complete personality transplant and can sort themselves out lol.

Try and focus on plans for this Summer and what amazing things you want to do. Make new memories, don't waste it all mourning him.

It's a tough day, up and down, but we'll get through it. We're all incredibly strong to even begin this NC journey x

Lit - be strong. You've done so well so far and you always make me realise that I'm doing good by not wasting the energy!!
You've got this! Missing someone is natural, even if they are complete a Fuck wit.

Meow - well done!!! You're doing well, the weeks pass quickly don't you think? I think that's what can get you sometimes..you're doing so well and you're like oh.... it's been this long. And as good as it makes you feel.::: does it make you think? Oh? Why haven't I heard anything? Or are you even bothered? It's a circle. Getting easier though

Lucky - you'll get there. I ageee with what everyone has said. It'll be four/five weeks soon. I didn't think I'd get to three. But I'm here. And the girls on this thread have been a godsend

Pineapple - couldn't agree more. These NC are all consuming, didn't think one person could every affect you this much

Yes, that was my last message to him. I needed to say it and for him to know he wasn't the faultless nice guy he thinks he is. He might dismiss it but I know it will eat at him because he's not actually a bad person. Just very selfish and emotionally fucked. Actually no, thinking back to some of the stuff he says and did, he IS a bad person. But I don't think he means to be

Hello – please can I join. Where to start…. Well I split with my ex last October, very amicably. I was his first relationship after his divorce and on the limited information I have I know that his eldest son started to play up due to him seeing someone new and his ex basically fuelling that fire. I then went into NC and I’m very proud to say managed 7 months. I recently re-joined Tinder and yes you’ve guessed it his profile appeared. In a moment of madness I contacted him. He responded and we had some text conversation, and I did ask if he wanted to meet up for dinner just as friends, which he agreed to. Anyway, the meet up never happened. My mum recently passed away and I’m at a stage of my life where I think life is too short and if you feel something for someone just say it, so I sent him quiet a long message stating how I felt about him and that I missed him. He responded that he was speechless at such kind words but because of the ever decreasing circles of his family and ex if simply thinks too much of me to waste my time and mess me around. So this is where my second round of NC begins. I feel like I have split up with him all over again. I have a constant loop of thoughts about him in my head. I have deleted my Instagram account because I know I will keep looking at his profile, looking for clues about who he is dating. I simply cannot put myself through that.

I know in time I will be fine but for now I just wish I never met him or met him at a different time as it could have been so different.

LiteraryDevil Yep my last message was a nicer version of yours haha. But it told my NC that he didn't treat me well and I've had enough. But then I was nice told him I don't hate him, that I really like him, that our time together was amazing and that I'd miss him. But that I was done. I'm glad we both sent our final messages as actually reading back over it just confirms that I have said all I will ever have to say to him. His birthday is this day next week, but I have to stay strong. I don't need to contact him ever again.

Babyblue32 Getting used to the name change ;) Yes for me it's a vicious cycle of 'wow I've come this far' and feeling like I've taken a step back. I haven't contacted him and won't, so that's something. There are memories that pop into my head that I've not thought of before - basically flashbacks- that make me realise what a dickhead he really was at times.

KEEP STRONG LADIES...I'M BACK OFF TO WORK X

Messed up today. Received an email that was 'his' version of events, totally different from what I said to him as my reason for ending things, so couldnt help replying a factual response, but now I feel like I have to start NC again as I have opened the floodgates!

Thank you all for your kind messages & reassurances. I have blocked him from everything and not changed it all day.... which is a major achievement. Although I have also spent a large portion of the day in bed crying. I've tried to regroup & think of all the negative things about him and what positives I have in my life. It's not been easy but I've come up with a few. I don't really want him back.... but what I do want is an explanation for his behaviour and lies. But I know it won't bring me the solace I'm seeking so it is better to remain NC. It's dreadful & im looking forward to when I can look back on this time and feel relief I'm past it. Thinking of you all and here's hoping for another day of willpower!!

New to the thread! Only NC since about 2am this morning but have tried several times and can relate so much to loads of the posts on here. I’ve gone NC with a previous ex and it worked so well, after the first couple of weeks he honestly didn’t cross my mind anymore. Have a DD with this NC which has made it 100x worse but he doesn’t seem to want anything to do with her so I don’t expect to hear from him again. The idealistic part of me still wants him to realise all of his mistakes and turn into a great dad but in reality he’s the dad who pretends he’s too busy to see our newborn daughter because he’s out sleeping around (and got someone else pregnant.. and isn’t supporting that baby either ) life story over.. really cannot wait to get through this, it feels like I never will at the moment.