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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

NC (No Contact) thread #11: learning all the way

999 replies

Belonger · 02/04/2018 12:42

A thread for anyone going/maintaining/struggling with/succeeding in going NC with someone for whatever reason. No judgement, just lots of support. All different situations welcome.

Many of us have found www.baggagereclaim.co.uk useful, worth a look for helpful articles and podcasts

OP posts:
Thread gallery
34
Iwouldmarrythebeast · 07/05/2018 11:49

lechatde the ads won’t be helping with anxiety especially so early on. Are you sleeping ok? Please don’t message him or at least try & wait until your anxiety has died down

LeChatDeNuit · 07/05/2018 12:02

The ADs are making me drowsy and I’m sleeping a lot to try to escape how I’m feeling.

Looking at his FB yesterday and seeing his picture brought so much back :(

I miss him and want to know if he misses me too. The urge to message him is overwhelming. I’m not even sure what I’d say.

Iwouldmarrythebeast · 07/05/2018 12:04

Wish there was a way to control that raging anxiety

Iwouldmarrythebeast · 07/05/2018 12:06

Social media is toxic! It is the anxiety making you feel like this. You were so strong a few days ago

Jenasaurus · 07/05/2018 12:19

Day 7 - still not cracked, I was tempted to respond to his email on Saturday when he made the sarky comment about kisses on notes. I wanted to say:

I didn't end things because you put kisses on your texts to 'her' I ended things because you wanted to sleep at hers, wined and dined her on your birthday as I was too fat to eat (your words), watched romantic DVDs at your place, went to karate with her, took her to see your mum and led her DD to believe you and her mum were in a relationship, so when you mentioned you have a gf the little girl was shocked and disappointed....I don't blame Ow...I blame you...and the kisses is your way of trivialising things

But i didn't send it... :)

Popsjjx · 07/05/2018 12:26

Jen - he's a prick! Don't even bother wasting energy! Because he'll fight back and act asif he's done nothing wrong.

I think this weekend - the good weather, the needing to keep busy, the things that we could all be doing with the NC.

It's a tough weekend but everyone's got through it!! So well done!!

All weekend I've wanted to message my NC, just to say like why don't you even care? But he'll blame the silence between us on me.
It's not my fault.

I hate caring for a man that's so heartless.

meowimacat · 07/05/2018 12:43

Argh girls I've set up Tinder again, I feel like he's out there chatting to women so I should be, but I know he'll come across my profile at some point - we're only 10 mins away from each other. I put in my bio that I didn't want any commitment phobes which yes is a stab at him. I also do want to date someone though, like I'm not gonna sit around and mope over him if he doesn't want me.

I was about to unblock him on Instagram. Not that I'd add him or anything, I don't even think he'd know as we're not following each other anyway. Why do I want to do this. Seems so ridiculous. I've sat here about to unblock him. Wtf.

Popsjjx · 07/05/2018 13:26

Meow - leave him blocked!!!
Remember the rage and hurt I felt coz I looked?? Please don't. I promise it's not worth it just don't pleaseeeeeeeeee

Lulusmother · 07/05/2018 13:31

I believe mine has gone back to his ex. Usual story. Been seeing him for over 2 years, lots of red flags which stupidly I chose to ignore. He said to me on Sunday that we needed to put our relationship on hold for a time, which I understand. Last night he then sends his usual goodnight message with I love you and hearts on.

What's with it with these men ? I've not answered as being an Aries am very stubborn, and if he wants us on hold then so be it. However I'm hurting so much. Even at the age of 50 I should know better.

meowimacat · 07/05/2018 13:39

I have left him blocked. I have these urges and moments of madness. I need to calm it. I feel a bit silly for setting up Tinder as I was going to stay off it a while but to be honest I'm missing chatting to someone, so going to see who's out there.

His Instagram accounts are private so even if I unblock him I can't see anything - except that he's added new people and posted new things - clearly new Tinder girls. Ugh.

Iwouldmarrythebeast · 07/05/2018 14:01

Just seen him as I walked to the shops. He didn’t see me. Feel sick. It’s like I’ve gone back 2 weeks

Popsjjx · 07/05/2018 15:45

Meow that's my issue. His insta is open.
He hardly has followers.... but a few girls follow him, and he follows back. So I know thes are girls that's he's met in tinder/pof or they have his no. It got me so bad that I actually followed a few 😬😬😬 crazy I know

I hate it:
Use tinder to talk, take your mind off things. You don't have to do anything

MTB - you held it together. No talking and not seeing are different. When you see them you're never prepared xx

Dimael · 07/05/2018 17:38

@popjjx @meow the thing we need to remember is it is not a competition. Just because someone appears to move on and be in a relationship doesn’t mean that they are happier than someone who is single. Just remember how unhappy you were in relationships with these losers! Yes my ex will move on but it will be short lived just like all his previous exes I was the idiot who stayed the longest. More fool me. I go from wanting to date for the sake on not being alone to not being able to stomach the thought. I think about tinder also but I don’t want any more trouble and honestly right now men feel like trouble to me. I’ve not eaten today I feel sick with things. I wish I could go back and unmeet him.

Dimael · 07/05/2018 17:39

@iwouldmarrythebeast oh noooo hope you are ok? Least you didn’t have to make awkward conversation with him.

meowimacat · 07/05/2018 18:11

I agree I am really happy being single, but the thing is mine wasn't even a relationship - well not to him anyway. It was 5 months of him pretending he wanted commitment and he didn't. I didn't know what I want when I met him but I have realised now that clearly I wanted a committed thing if I do date again. I'm happy to be on my own for a while, but I enjoy chatting to people so thought I'd set Tinder up again.

Popsjjx That must be SO hard if his Tinder is open. Like yours, mine only follows a few people but I know seeing that his followers/who he is following goes up by one or two, that it'll be people on Tinder. All the girls he follow tend to have their profiles private so I couldn't stalk them. Obviously now I can't even see who he follows, but it was obsessive of me to care as I did when I was his Instagram friend, but I knew not to trust him.

IWMTB He didn't see you, so whilst it was a shock, at least nothing happened. I guess what you need to do is be prepared for a time he may see you. Now you've seen him at least you know what it would feel like if you were to bump into him and he did see you.

meowimacat · 07/05/2018 18:12

Sorry I meant Instagram is open not Tinder...Tinder on the brain Popsjjx haha

Popsjjx · 07/05/2018 19:18

Dimael - I'm not looking for anyone (not in my current situation anyway 😂) but I know what you mean. We stayed and it was shit. It's just hard thinking of him with someone else, making the effort he couldn't with me

Meow - haha it's ok! Sometimes tinder is good fun when you're in the righ frame of mind.
Mine was the same, we got together in June/July. It was inconsistent all the time, days with nothing then he'd turn up, then he'd call all the time.... then it started to stop. Wanted to be my boyfriend kept asking and telling me how he wanted relationship. I eventually think and say yes, it all goes shot. June-October wasn't great. I actually ended hthings hen found out that was pregnant

WheelyCote · 07/05/2018 19:28

Reading all your posts resonates with my situation so much it's unreal.

I've set up a POF profile a couple of weeks ago and it's been good to see others are interested.

I haven't gone completely NC which is why it's probably been drawn out and more painful. Doh!

I've processed that it's over but Ex has said often he doesn't know what he wants...wanted to be friends at one point but I said NO. So we went a few days NC and he said it was awful and didn't know what to do as didn't want to loose me but didn't want to start anything...ffs. I told him that the next contact has to be him asking me on a date.

He has and we're going on a date tomorrow night. Don't ask. I've asked today, why on earth he wants to go a date? He said he didn't want us to overthink it and just wanted us to have a laugh together again. For some bizarre reason I want to see him with these news eyes and compare him against the people I've been talking to. I think I want to see for myself that he's not right for me because he'll never change and remains inflexible...his way or no way.

Then we both can move on.

There is a small part of me that secretly hopes he'll show me that he has changed and is open.

It will happen that I have to go NC. As it stands now...I feel sure that's the only way to go

WheelyCote · 07/05/2018 19:30

Not seen him for about 4 weeks

Iwouldmarrythebeast · 07/05/2018 19:30

Tinder is good fun!! Even if it’s just chatting with people. Thanks for all the words of support. Feeling a bit better, massively busy week at work this week with lots of travelling - going abroad (yuk) so will take my mind off things. But even though I fly a lot with work, flying still sets off my anxiety so any tips welcome

Popsjjx · 07/05/2018 20:08

Meow - busy week is a good week :) keeps you occupied. I'm not keen on flying either have no idea how I would manage with work if I had to fly regularly 😬
Try music
Reading
Playing a game
Or if all else fails a stiff g&t

Wheely - why would you go? You can't compare him to people you've been talking to. It's only been talk. So these people have given words and you can't compare. Also if you feel you want to compare don't go. You'll be frustrated and also, you're giving him a chance, when he already knows what you want... and he still said that he wants you to be able to laugh together??? Nothing will change.
Save yourself the heartache of disappointment and thinking he might just give you what you want. It's his way or no way - you're already giving in by agreeing to a date you know deep down won't be beneficial to either of you....

LiteraryDevil · 07/05/2018 20:19

Wow, so many Instagram and WhatsApp issues. Glad I don't have them. Just delete them for a while until you're stronger or block and delete as I always say.

Had a fantastic day out in the hills today with my mum and the kids. It's somewhere I went with him on one of our last dates but it didn't bother me. It's been such a beautiful sunny and warm weekend and it's really cheered me up. I do miss having someone to do things with but so much happier on my own.

Babyblue32 · 07/05/2018 21:10

Lit - glad you had a nice weekend, yeah SM is a nightmare. I hate it, it's so easy to look and snoop.

You're right about deleting - waiting to be stronger and such :( suppose it's just finding the strength to not to snoop all day or over the weekends

Babyblue32 · 07/05/2018 21:28

It's me pops btw!! Name changed as my friend was like your username it very obvious to me..... 😂😂😂 so it's me guys

Lucky34 · 07/05/2018 21:33

So I relented and messaged the loser father as it has transpired that the last 5 years we have been together have been based on lies. Even what he told me last week was a total fallacy.... I'm considering blocking him from everything & having nothing more to do with him. He has broken my heart & my soul & my spirit ..... I don't think I can ever recover & feel like giving up on everything. I don't think I have the energy to fight through this pain.