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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

NC (No Contact) thread #11: learning all the way

999 replies

Belonger · 02/04/2018 12:42

A thread for anyone going/maintaining/struggling with/succeeding in going NC with someone for whatever reason. No judgement, just lots of support. All different situations welcome.

Many of us have found www.baggagereclaim.co.uk useful, worth a look for helpful articles and podcasts

OP posts:
Thread gallery
34
flowergirl5 · 06/05/2018 19:19

I've just had Chinese takeaway and going to find something good to watch. Feeling lost at the moment and really want to message him but I know I shouldn't. Miss hearing from him so much xx

Popsjjx · 06/05/2018 19:44

Evening ALL

I didn't break.
I didn't message him, I didn't waste he effort or time to do so..... but I hid the message I started to send. Which is in my chat, he was last online at 1815. I deleted the message I typed out.
I have my answer.
Lit - facts he's a dick, and has no love for me or respect. I think it's just today I'm finding hat extremely hard to accept.
Meow- I took the advice and didn't send the message but kept it there...in case. It's gone now

Lechat - company and missing them on days like this. But you'll slowly be ok. But just be ready for bad today's ..... like I've had today. I posted here. Because I knew I'd get support and encouragement.

Flower - you'll get there. You will.

I ended up blocking a male friend on all media and messaging, he likes me. But I've made it clear friendship only. He wanted to see me today, but I told him I wasn't well this morning as i wasn't and he didn't say anything.... then got moody and said we're not meeting then.... I said well clearly not. He then told me to take care of myself and he little one and blocked me on WhatsApp. Am I petty for getting rid of him in everything. I don't have time for it. My own ex (Who couldn't tell me he ended it) and th was father of my child is doing this to me. I don't need it from a friend

Iwouldmarrythebeast · 06/05/2018 20:21

Pops you’re getting stronger and not taking any shit!

LiteraryDevil · 06/05/2018 20:22

Pops not petty at all! Totally how you should be. Go you!

flowergirl5 · 06/05/2018 20:34

Thanks Pops just feeling rubbish as I've been pretty much on my own for the most of the day. Sons at his dads and im bored to tears. Hoping to ex is missing me as much as much as I'm missing him. It's so hard as I still love him so much and he's not done anything wrong xx

Popsjjx · 06/05/2018 20:43

MTB - I feel like im much stronger than before! Just this weekend it's too much for me I think. Thank you for the advice - waiting a while did help and let me realise I didn't want to waste that time.

Lit - yeah? I feel bad for some reason, he's a been a good friend..:: been an ear and had me laughing most of the time... I just can't deal with trying to keep him happy as well as myself and he's not my boyfriend - so it really gets me when he gets funny with me. We are both as bad as each other with making effort anyway.

Flower - your situation is a hard one? Have to both sat and really chatted and tried to work something out? Probably you have but just wanted to ask?

pineappleeyes · 06/05/2018 20:59

Hi ladies. We done for not contacting these losers. Weekends a are hard every minute is a triumph. But it gets easier.

I've lost count of how many says NC I am. I caved in a couple of weeks ago & text him. I didn't get a reply.

A member of my family asked about him today. They said 'Oh someone will snap him up, he wont be single long' it hurt but I said well good luck to them as he isn't for me. It ruined the rest of my day but I'll get over it.

Please ladies don't contact them...you'll regret it. You'll hand the power back over to them. And the reply (if you get one) might upset you.

meow don't sent the birthday card. Please don't.

pops well done. Every day you are getting stronger.

flower post on here as much as you like, we'll help you through. What's the background to your NC? I was quite late to this thread so apologies if you've already said.

pineappleeyes · 06/05/2018 20:59

Apologies for typos...You get the jistSmileI

WheelyCote · 06/05/2018 21:03

Placemarking

LiteraryDevil · 06/05/2018 21:30

Facebook kindly reminded me tonight that a year ago today I'd been out on our 4th date. It was perfect. (Of course it was though as I arranged it! He didn't arrange dates, except the second one. ) I felt a little sad reading it but can still look back and think yeah I had a great time and not feel too bad about it. I have wondered what he's up to on his kid free weekends now but I don't actually care. Probably not a lot really. He doesn't have many friends and only sees a couple about once every couple of months for a drink in the pub, or a bike ride if it's nice. The lack of mates was probably a red flag. He chats to them frequently online but doesn't see them that much. He was lonely, needy and lost I think. I'd feel sorry for him but so much of that was of his own making. I'm still not convinced what he did was deliberate but he was still abusive and couldn't see he was in anyway at fault. Major denial. Major issues.

Popsjjx · 06/05/2018 21:37

Lit - ah good old Facebook, kindly giving you a reminder you don't always want aye.
You never see the red flags, well you do. But you think oh no.... it's just me looking to much into it. Then later, you're sitting there like oh fuck.
Least you can sit and think and be sort of more ok with of.

Pineapple - don't apologise for typos haha you've managed to decipher mine 😂
Family never seem to use the filter. If someone in my family was like he'll snap someone up I'd go mad.
All my family hate my NC anyway....

meowimacat · 06/05/2018 21:41

Pops you are amazingly strong, well done!!!! So glad you didn't send the message, and I bet you are too :) We'll still have those moments where we want to, but if we take time to think about it we can get over that impulse.

pineappleeyes I won't be sending a birthday card. I have these ridiculous moments where I want to reach out, and that is an excuse to do so. To be honest now I've said to myself that in the future I'll be friends with him when I'm over him, I don't feel such an urge to contact him. That may not even happen, I don't even know if I'd want him as a friend. But right now it tricks my mind to thinking it's ok to maintain NC.

LiteraryDevil Like your guy, mine had no friends...well, except for one woman who conveniently got divorced and moved round the corner from him...but apparently they didn't ever sleep together...ha yeah right. Sorry to hear you got a Facebook memory about the date, that must have been tough. But yes you had a great time and all of this is a big learning curve for you.

pineappleeyes · 07/05/2018 07:08

I was up early this morning & thought of him waking up with someone else. I thought about them been intimate & I felt a rush of sadness & sickness. Sad feeling sad today

Popsjjx · 07/05/2018 08:24

Pineapple - I'm sorry sweet, it's horrible isn't it. When things like that are the first thing you think of when you wake. It's the worst.

I've been feeling really crappy since Saturday, and I still am.

So here's a motivational pic.

Everyone's doing really well, even on bad days! Because we're not giving in, and we know that we're better off.

NC (No Contact) thread #11: learning all the way
Lulusmother · 07/05/2018 09:24

Hello, am joining here. I'm on 24 hours of NC, and am feeling 😩. Just need a hand hold.

flowergirl5 · 07/05/2018 09:59

My story is we met just over seven months ago. Despite having been previously with someone for 20 years no one has ever made me feel as loved as he did. We fell for each other so quickly and get on amazing. Our problem is last year just before we met he moved back home to help care for his sick parent. He works full time but with the help of two other siblings they care for parent 24/7. Since Xmas her health has got worse and we've struggled to see each other. We've talked about wanting to make it work so many times but I think it's all just got on top of him and last week he said it wasn't fair on me keeping me waiting for the odd night here and there. Said he loves me and knows he'll regret letting me go. What can I do but get on with my life? xx

Dimael · 07/05/2018 10:05

Aww @pineapple that’s the worst but you are getting through days without him, living and learning and all without him. One day you won’t think of him so much.

Good morning everyone! Welcome @lulusmother ! I got through my first night of drinking without drunk dialling or texting him. I guess alcohol is a depressant but sat and couldn’t eat my food in the restaurant last night I was really not hungry at all. I managed to drink though lol! I kept thinking of him, thinking how I probably should be checking out eligible men but didn’t feel good enough or pretty enough to try. Feel so down today. His social media liking has ceased now and I guess I am truly NC now and it’s hard. Another guy asked me out and I have ignored him I feel bad but I can’t face meeting him today.

Dimael · 07/05/2018 10:09

@flower it’s difficult but he made his decision and you have to muddle through. If he was so into you like you are to him he would have continued to try for you. He gave up and you deserve better than a quitter. It’s difficult because you only feel love for him right now but you will start to see things differently with time. Write a list of his faults. I managed 16 but then I was the one who left him.

flowergirl5 · 07/05/2018 10:21

You're right Dimael. A couple of weeks ago I'd tried to end it as it was all getting to me but he said he wanted it to work. I know he wants to be with me but circumstances have made it hard. He messaged me an hour after we ended saying he loved me so much and wasn't sure he'd made the right decision and then another saying he missed falling asleep and walking up with me. It's all so hard xx

Iwouldmarrythebeast · 07/05/2018 10:27

Morning all, just been in tears this morning, I keep thinking this must get easier soon. I can’t bear another 3 weeks like this.

Dimael · 07/05/2018 10:31

@flower I was in an impossible long distance relationship years ago and I would have tried and tried for him but he called time. So I understand! Basically I was at university and he got a job far away and went for it, I couldn’t afford to travel so it was down to him and he got tired I guess! It took me so long to get over him because I loved him a lot. You will get there.

Dimael · 07/05/2018 10:39

Keep going everyone

NC (No Contact) thread #11: learning all the way
LeChatDeNuit · 07/05/2018 10:42

Iwould sorry you’ve been in tears. It will get easier. It has to!

Since yesterday I’m in a permanent state of anxiety. :( I don’t know what’s happened. It’s our anniversary so I think that’s bothering me. I’m wondering if he’s given me a thought. I feel sick all the time and can’t eat. My mind is glossing over the bad times and remembering the good.

Dimael · 07/05/2018 11:06

@lechat I get the anxiety feeling this morning and last night and I can’t eat a thing. Your mind only wants to remember the good times and not the bad. It’s not good to be stuck on either sides but I feel stronger when I see the negatives.

LeChatDeNuit · 07/05/2018 11:15

I’m really struggling not to message him about our anniversary and to tell him I miss him :( :( I feel on the verge of throwing up from anxiety. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m about 2 weeks into restarting antidepressants and I think that’s adding to the anxiety.