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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

NC (No Contact) thread #11: learning all the way

999 replies

Belonger · 02/04/2018 12:42

A thread for anyone going/maintaining/struggling with/succeeding in going NC with someone for whatever reason. No judgement, just lots of support. All different situations welcome.

Many of us have found www.baggagereclaim.co.uk useful, worth a look for helpful articles and podcasts

OP posts:
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34
Dimael · 05/05/2018 22:36

@lucky welcome!!! The first weeks are the hardest but we all get stronger! Feel free to vent and express yourself - this is a safe zone!

Lucky34 · 05/05/2018 22:40

Thank you.... I'm so hurt & I miss him so much but I'm so angry at the same time. I keep finding out new lies and every time it hurts so much. I just can't understand why anyone could be so cruel.

Tictactic · 05/05/2018 22:42

@lucky. we've all truly been where you are now. broken. hang in there. you will get through it. for now lots of self care required
@Dimeal.. pleased to hear that! It's closure we are looking for. to have that conversation. unfortunately even if we did have the conversation I don't think we'd get closure. it would just set us back again and make us feel shit. or perhaps I'm not quite there yet

Dimael · 05/05/2018 23:00

@Tictactic I learned that the hard way. I did one week no contact after he moved out and messaged him for something stupid like Easter greetings 😂 and the entire conversation was normal and easy in fact pleasant to then realising it made me feel worse. That’s why I haven’t slipped up since. I am socialising for the first time since it happened tomorrow so will have to be careful not to drunk dial.

meowimacat · 06/05/2018 00:36

Hey guys, just home from my night out and was hoping it’d take my mind off things. But my friends were all so boring that it made me think of NC the whole night. One asked if I was dating and so I made out like NC was no big thing, as really didn’t want to chat about it.

One of my guy friends there was being questioned on a girl he’s seeing, and it made me see how my NC sees me. My friend was saying how they’re not exclusive, how he hasn’t told his parents about her (they’ve been ‘together’ a year) and how it’s nothing serious. He was basically laughing about it, like she was nothing. Made me feel so shit, as that’s exactly what NC thought of me :( Guys eh?

Over 3 weeks since I last saw him, and on Tuesday it’ll be 2 weeks NC. The longest I’ve gone not seeing or speaking to him now.

Can’t believe he could just give me up like that. Can’t believe he didn’t want me :( I know it’s hurt his pride that I blocked him etc, but he just accepted everything was over because he didn’t really care.

I’m sure I’ll be fine tomorrow, just tonight it hurts. Anyway attaching a few new quotes that helped me feel a bit stronger about my NC decision.

NC (No Contact) thread #11: learning all the way
NC (No Contact) thread #11: learning all the way
Tictactic · 06/05/2018 07:42

good morning all. another beautiful morning here.
@Dimeal. I hope you enjoy today. can you delete his number from your phone so you don't drink dial? alcohol definitely beings about emotions as does socialising I find. if you can get through it without messaging etc you'll find it further moves you on.
@meow. hope you feel a bit better this morning. what you heard and saw isn't necessarily how your NC feels. rejection is hard. it's hard to walk away from something you want. It's 6 weeks since I saw mine. it does get better although it's hard to believe Flowers

Dimael · 06/05/2018 09:25

@Tictactic it is deleted the problem is I have such a good memory for phone numbers and dates that deleting numbers doesn’t work for me. Thank you will enjoy myself and enjoy the sunshine yourself.

@meow you don’t know how he feels. Think about it you going no contact makes it look like you couldn’t care less if you talk with him or not - is that true? No! Same applies to him. And some men will put on a front in front of others so you can’t rely on it. When I split with my ex I said that although my heart belongs to you I can’t go on this way anymore. He never said I love you, he never said anything just acted like he didn’t care. But he went on liking posts on my sm for weeks after so I don’t think that he was without feeling. He was desperate to get my attention anyway he could without having to send a message. Also I have mutual friends who fell out with me over the split so I know he went and said something to them about it being over and his feelings on it. Even if he never told me.

flowergirl5 · 06/05/2018 09:34

Morning, hope you don't mind me joining in. Today will be day 3 if NC and it's killing me already xx

Popsjjx · 06/05/2018 09:37

Morning guys....
welcome lucky - you'll be feel shit for a while, but you'll cope. Is early days, as much as you want to feel better instantly, the bad days give you extra strength (I think so) it makes you realise what you can take.

Dimael - I'm the same I memorise NC number, but I haven't added It into my phone for a while.... I'm trying to forget it.

All I did was think about NC yesterday, even though I was out all day, it was so busy and crowded at times that talking to friends couldn't really happen (due to the being rammed in a loud stadium) that I sat thinking about him.
It's been 4 weeks NC from him yesterday. It was to much.

I see how you guys are saying you haven't seen your NC for like 4/8weeks ........ I haven't seen mine for 24weeks (since we talked about me being pregnant) I feel really silly l. I shouldn't beb holding onto someone like him.

It's crazy how someone can keep you dangling via texts and calls for that long.

Ugh

meowimacat · 06/05/2018 09:43

Argh wasted the morning so far thinking of him. Keep thinking about seeing him again in the future or posting him a bday card. I just miss him a lot :( I miss even the friendship.

Iwouldmarrythebeast · 06/05/2018 09:57

Morning all, day 18 for me. Nothing from him at all, what is he thinking? He’s moved on and I’m stuck feeling all this

Popsjjx · 06/05/2018 10:01

Meow - keep strong, try and keep busy today??
I just finished reading the rest of the thread,

Sorry you had a such a night out, and that you thought him :( they are the worst!!

I wouldn't worry about this guy talking about the girl he's seeing, you can't be sure what he said... and thinking that he would of been like that will drive you mad. Try and forget hat conversation.

You're doing so well!! Don't give in and don't give up. You know that having the NC with him will be better in the long run.

You'll feel so much better, no one wants to be back with that person that makes you feel like this!

Xx

meowimacat · 06/05/2018 10:39

Thanks Popsjjx I will try and pop out now and then my DC are back in a few hours and we have a birthday party this afternoon. I know NC is just honouring what I want, which is him to not be in my life. I told him I'd miss him and that I don't hate him but that I want nothing more to do with him :( I told him that romantically it wasn't worth the pain as I had feelings and couldn't do the friendship thing. So I guess if he really cared, he would come back and say he missed me etc. So it just shows that he doesn't have feelings like I do. That's the most hurtful thing.
But yes, in reality I wouldn't want to date him now anyway. He absolutely isn't right for me. But I hate to think I'll never see him again. Can't believe he lives a 10 minute drive from me. But saying that, I can't believe he did the whole time and he barely made effort compared to me. Sigh.

Popsjjx · 06/05/2018 11:08

Meow - I know how you feel I really do.
The last text I sent said

_If you were done you'd tell me.
If you carry on ignoring me it's also basically the same thing.
Fine I'll do this myself.
The offer is there if you want to be involved

It's done.
I won't contact you unless you contact me
_
I've still had nothing, I'm ready to message him.
I really am. Asking him why? Why hasn't be spoken to me for four weeks? How can he be happy and carrying on? How can he old told me he does love me and want to make things workS All he had to do was tell me he had no intention of staying and I wouldn't have pushed and pestered him so muchz

Today isn't a good one, I've spent my morning hiding away crying

I feel like I'm ready to break. I'm so desperate to have some contact. I feel so stupid, and insecure and angry because I shouldn't want to message him

Gah I'm sorry guys. I don't know how much longer I can do it. 3 weeks tomorrow. I've put the message on what's app and added his number backS I just haven't sent it.

Deleted the number but the message it still sitting and waiting for me to press send - he was online this morning.
10 steps back :(

Iwouldmarrythebeast · 06/05/2018 12:05

*Popsjjx - please wait at least a couple of hours, hopefully the need for contact will subside and you wouldn’t want to send the message. You can do this! Don’t let those 3 hard precious weeks disappear

meowimacat · 06/05/2018 12:13

It's not 10 steps back if you haven't sent the message hun. Nothing wrong with typing out a message to send him. In fact I might write one later - without ever sending it.

Just remember what you said in your last message to him, that 'the offer is there' for him. He now has that offer and who knows, maybe he'll message you in the next few days or in a couple of weeks. Maybe he's expecting you to reach out still, and is sat waiting for that because he's so sure he's going to get you running back.

I'm not going to look at this whole NC thing as I'll never see or speak to him again. I think that's what is really hurting me. I don't hate him as a person, we would have made amazing friends had I not fallen for him, and had he not wanted me. But that's where the problem is, if I went back now as 'friends' he's too flirtatious and I'm too into him to not go back there. But who knows in a years time or maybe less, if I've moved on, maybe I could be his friend. Maybe I won't want to - he would still flirt with me even if I had moved on I know that. For me right now, it's easier on myself if I imagine that at some point in the future I'll get in touch with him and we can be friends. However, I'm hoping by the time I decide we could be friends I'll have got over him altogether and not be bothered.

I updated my Facebook profile picture to a photo of me last night. So pathetic, but I hope he see's it and misses me. I doubt he'll even check my SM though to be honest.

Got a kids party this afternoon, really not in the mood for screaming kids. Already had to take tablets for a headache - probably from my overthinking brain rather than anything else though.

flowergirl5 · 06/05/2018 12:26

When does the overwhelming sadness go? I've never had a relationship end before where we both are still in love with each other but can't be together because of his circumstance caring for an elderly parent. Just want us to work it out xx

LeChatDeNuit · 06/05/2018 13:34

Struggling today, missing his company on warm days like these. I made the mistake of having a look at his FB. He posted some pictures publicly a few days ago of his walk in the sun. He would never, ever post things publicly so I have a feeling when he does now, it’s to make sure I can see (we’re no longer fb friends). Sad I don’t get it.

We haven’t had contact for about three weeks now. I blocked him so I’ve no idea if he’s tried to contact me. I really want to get in touch but I know it would be stupid. I miss him so much :(

LiteraryDevil · 06/05/2018 14:51

Pops NO NO NO NO NO!!!!! Don't do it!!!!! The reason is because he's a dick. That's it. No other explanation needed. Thanks

Iwouldmarrythebeast · 06/05/2018 15:43

With literary devil on this one!

le chat think we’re all struggling at the moment - keep going with the silence

meowimacat · 06/05/2018 16:45

LeChat I'm the same length of blocking as you. It's so hard. Yes if he's posted it publicly it'll be for you to see. I'm pathetic enough to have done that for NC to see my latest profile pic. Not that I think he'd even check or care about me now. Probably hasn't given me one thought.

I think on a nice day it's hard as we'd be wanting to spend it with them, or at least be finding out what they're up to.

Let's all do one thing today that is kind to ourselves. Run a bath tonight, watch a girlie movie with snacks, put on a face mask, cook a nice dinner...do something today to care for yourself and remember how much you deserve to be treated well - even if we have to do it ourselves! xx

LeChatDeNuit · 06/05/2018 17:45

I sort of wish I hadn’t blocked him now because I will never know if he texted me about the parcel of his stuff I sent him, if he apologised at all etc etc. I know he most likely didn’t but it’s niggling me now. I feel like texting him to ask if he got the parcel but I know that would set me back. He never cashed the cheque I sent him.

I feel like he doesn’t care an iota about me so I’m confused why he’d make those fb pictures public.

I’m seeing a friend tonight so that will hopefully help. Seeing his photos set me off and now I’m feeling very anxious.

What are you going to do tonight to be kind to yourself meow?

Jenasaurus · 06/05/2018 18:24

day 6 and holding on, wishing you all the strength you need to get through to the other side x

meowimacat · 06/05/2018 18:46

LeChat I have some Ben and Jerry's and will put something on to watch I think. Maybe a bath, or paint my nails. I have a big white board of all the things I want/need to do also so am going to continue completing those. Helps keep me focused through all of this. I know what you mean about blocking and messages. My NC must have sent me messages as he then contacted me on FB to ask why I'd blocked him :( Want to unblock him, but firstly I'm sure he's deleted my number now, but also, there's no point. He's not chased me. He doesn't want me. I reckon your NC didn't cash the cheque out of pride. He will have got the package. What if you messaged him to ask if he got it and he responded 'yes' or 'why are you contacting me if we're over?' or if he didn't respond at all. How do you think that would make you feel? Stay strong!

meowimacat · 06/05/2018 19:16

Also just think back to exes you were hurt over that you split with. Even if you were young. Just remember we got over them, we can get over this! X

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