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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

NC (No Contact) thread #11: learning all the way

999 replies

Belonger · 02/04/2018 12:42

A thread for anyone going/maintaining/struggling with/succeeding in going NC with someone for whatever reason. No judgement, just lots of support. All different situations welcome.

Many of us have found www.baggagereclaim.co.uk useful, worth a look for helpful articles and podcasts

OP posts:
Thread gallery
34
Iwouldmarrythebeast · 04/05/2018 23:35

I actually think I hate him. NC turned up in a meeting for work I was in today and acted to everyone else like he was totally ok. I had no idea he would be there and felt sick the whole time in the meeting. I could hardly speak and so looked like a dick. I hate myself and him at the same time. I couldn’t even bring himself to look at him. I was doing so well yesterday as well. He made me feel so small

Tictactic · 05/05/2018 00:19

hello ladies. I'm not keeping up with the thread much now. I needed this thread soooo much a month back. I guess I'm moving on. I really am. I'm generally meh but I do feel I'm moving forward. I've been out tonight and thought about my NC. it's futile though. I've no interest in any men. in fact I feel angry at the lot of them.
@Dimeal.. oh no.. what's happened? xx

Tictactic · 05/05/2018 00:20

@iwouldmarry. ignore. it's an act. you build yourself back up. I'm guessing he knows exactly how's he's made you feel. arse.

Iwouldmarrythebeast · 05/05/2018 00:45

Thank you @tictactic!! Sometimes I feel i’m all take & no give on this thread but it’s been a massive help and maybe I can give more back when I start to feel better

LiteraryDevil · 05/05/2018 08:02

Morning! What a beautiful sunny day! Just me and the small one this weekend. Going to go on a long walk today I think as putting on weight which makes me hate myself. Other than that we are gardening and trying to straighten the shit tip that is my house.

Chin up I would and Dimael. I feel sick thinking about having sex with any of my exes to be honest. Think that's when you know you're really over them physically as you just don't fancy them anymore. Don't forget these men get off in making us feel small and insignificant. Know that you are not and they do that because our greatness threatens them.

Tictactic · 05/05/2018 08:28

@iwouldmarry. I think I've been all take at times on the thread just because my mind has been muddled but also because I'm not keeping up with it so don't 'know' the new people who have joined. just having the thread to check into especially on a morning has been helpful. I really felt at the beginning I was clutching at straws at anything that would help. it's a difficult journey. I'm feeling in a place I can give more back now. in the early days I was too muddled and wiped out. I found the slightest thing difficult to cope with.
@Literary. a beautiful morning here too! I hope you and LO enjoy your walk. organising and tidying does help. I too have put on half a stone. rather that than feel how we did though? don't hate yourself though. we need to be kind to ourselves.
I was looking at pics of my ex last night and thought eww Confused although it was his persona that did it more for me. now I will never see him again it's hard to remember.
us ladies need to build ourselves back up. Flowers

Iwouldmarrythebeast · 05/05/2018 08:51

I feel small and insignificant this morning. Day 17 and I still feel like crap. He’s moved on and I’m stuck here feeling like this. He hasn’t even tried to contact me

meowimacat · 05/05/2018 09:45

Hey all! I am so glad I went to the gym last night. Also SO glad I've put myself on a social media/googling anything about NC ban after 8pm at the moment. I woke up this morning and even though I thought of him it wasn't so bad as I knew I hadn't wasted another evening moping over him and reading up on why he doesn't miss me/want me/no contact advice etc. I spent my evening doing something. Going to have to limit my internet as yesterday I spent half my day just reading self help things to get me through this, when in reality the best help I can do is just focusing on myself!

Tictactic Welcome back for a brief pop in, soooo happy to hear you're doing a lot better. They're still going to pop into our minds aren't they, but the pain will be less over time.

Iwouldmarrythebest I do not believe moving on is the answer. Sometimes when people move on quick it's to stop themselves processing emotions, and in time those feelings will come out and need to be dealt with. You are dealing with raw difficult emotions right now, and I am so proud of you for facing them.

LiteraryDevil have a lovely day, and enjoy your walk :) haha yes I need to sort my shit tip of a house and garden too - at least the weather puts me in a better mood for doing that.

Dimael I think anger/disgust is actually a good emotion to feel. It shows you are moving on. I was definitely above mine in sense of class and standards. I mean the fact my NC told me he wanted to be an escort!!!!!!! How vile is that. He only told me that the last time I saw him actually, that it had been his dream but he wasn't happy enough in his body to do it. Shows me he has ZERO standards for women (which makes me feel great) but also that I need to get tested asap.

Pineappleeyes sounds like you have a busy but fun weekend planned. Good to keep busy, but even if you do have a moment to yourself and think of NC just let yourself. I'm finding that the more I try not to think of them the more I want to. When I actually let myself think of them I don't want to. lol!

Iwouldmarrythebeast · 05/05/2018 10:12

Morning all and thank you for the kind words. I have a horrible knot of anxiety this morning and waves of self hatred going over me.

pineappleeyes · 05/05/2018 10:28

I've taken a nose dive today too. Had a difficult morning with DC.

I'm constantly questioning why he doesn't want me. The sex I liked because I really wanted him but he was quite emotionless when I think back which makes me feel used & ashamed. I was clearly more invesred tham he was.

I've removed WA from my phone. I can't bear the disappointment I feel when I don't have a message from him. Sounds ridiculous but we WA'd a lot & now there's nothing so it's a constant reminder when I see the icon.

LiteraryDevil · 05/05/2018 10:43

But blah myself. Have found Taylor swift love songs set me off so going to avoid listening. They were on in the car when we went out on a day trip for my daughters birthday as she's a massive fan so they remind me of that day now which was pretty perfect. Apart from him calling my 3 yo a shit. If we hadn't been going out for the day I'd have told him to fuck off there and then but dd's birthday weekend would have been spoilt. Am focusing on the bad things about him.

meowimacat · 05/05/2018 11:44

Pineapple that's a good thing removing WA. I was like you are yesterday, wondering why he doesn't want me. But you have to remember something....you actually don't want him. YOU are in power right now. It may not feel like it. You may feel powerless. But going NC is POWER. We have the last control here, not them. Sure we could go back probably if we wanted to, but we're choosing our dignity and self respect over these losers. They will end up sad and lonely if they can't fully give their emotions and love someone. That's not our fault. Think about all the qualities you want in a guy. You want someone who's going to message you every day, tell you how beautiful and wonderful you are. You want someone you have sex with who is totally in love with you as a PERSON not just as an object. You WILL get that. Let's stop focusing on these losers, and focus on our futures. xxx

LiteraryDevil hahaha I had Taylor Swift 'love story' song on earlier, and I actually didn't mind because it was such a ridiculous song about her Romeo and Juliet - and we all know how Taylor's love life is. Just like ours! Listen to 'We are never ever getting back together' instead ;)

Jenasaurus · 05/05/2018 11:47

well, I don't know how he managed it but he emailed me today, sent a copy of a handwritten note he was sending to the friends who invited us to the party last weekend, just before I found his texts to OW. It was a thank you note, but on the email to me he wrote "Sent the following to my good friends x & x Note no kisses just in case I get it wrong." why is he focussing on the kisses to the other woman as if that was the main thing that pissed me off...er no, it was the apologising to her that you were unable to sleep over and maybe next time and asking her to show you hers and he would show you his" men don't understand or they pretend they don't and only answer the bits that seem easy to explain,

Dimael · 05/05/2018 13:34

@Tictactic nothing happened just think I hit the final stage of moving on, I really don’t want him now. Went for a long run in the sunshine and feel good this morning.

@literarydevil yes the disgust last night has passed and I think it’s he final nail in his coffin so to speak. I won’t ever let him touch me again. I know I am done now. I want to get tested too just in case after what he did has put me at risk. That’s why I suddenly felt really dirty and stupid. Why did I not think of this sooner?

Everyone else keep strong!

LiteraryDevil · 05/05/2018 14:22

Really missing my NC today. It's the sunshine. I had such a good summer last year and was so happy. Until he went batshit over that scratch and then I wasn't happy anymore from that point on. Not consistently anyway. It's hard to realise the good guy image was a cover for an emotionally abusive manchild.

pineappleeyes · 05/05/2018 14:52

It's so easy to wallow & get wrapped up in the guy you thought and hoped they were.

Thanks for the reality check meow it's what I needed I couldn't bear the sporadic texts and his unavailability & being too busy to even bother texting or calling by.

You're right I want someone who loves me for the person I am not as a sex object which is all I was to him.

meowimacat · 05/05/2018 17:06

Well I've made myself go out to the gym and working out always makes me feel better. Has he popped into my mind? Yes, a lot. But I feel like it's up to me to get over him now. Sadly, I have to accept it's done. I think the worst thing for me is knowing that the door is always open with him, and so that temptation is going to be there. If I messaged him tomorrow and said I was so sorry and I missed him, I could go back to what we had...but I know it's not enough for me. Need to remember I'm in control here, and as long as I stay NC, I have had the final word. I've told him I'm done and he's not what I want, to go back on that now would be ridiculous.

Time to live our best lives, and have them realise they missed out on a fantastic and amazing person x

Popsjjx · 05/05/2018 19:40

Evening all!! Quick check in hope everyone's doing ok. Will read thread through tonight.

All I've done is think about NC today :(

Think it's due to being around 82,000 military people at a match and for some stupid reason .... looking out for him even though I knew he wouldn't even be there. Silly of me I know.

Have a great evening guys, sending happy thoughts and love x

Tictactic · 05/05/2018 20:36

good evening all. it's do up and down isn't it? today I've felt low again. I do think its the sunshine. I'm thinking about 'what could have been' and creating this perfect image in my mind.
@Dimeal. sorry I thought you'd slept with him again Shock you know you can so much better than him. I know you know it.

LiteraryDevil · 05/05/2018 20:38

Pops I've been thinking about mine too. I read back on my name change threads and felt much better about not being with him anymore. Still hurts but I can look at some memories fondly so that's progress.

LiteraryDevil · 05/05/2018 20:51

Tictactic me too a little with the perfect image. I really did love our time together. I don't regret it, I had great times with him. He just turned out to be a shit. I always had niggling doubts and I know I had a barrier in place in some regards which is probably what stopped me falling in love with him. Sure I loved him, but as I've said before, I wasn't in love. Or if I was I fell out of love by the time we split up. Otherwise it would hurt far more than it does. So I'm grateful for that. It's 10 weeks since I saw him and 2 weeks since I told him what I think as of tomorrow.

Tictactic · 05/05/2018 22:06

@Literary. at the moment I do regret the time we spend together. it was too good. it's time I'll never get back and also time that threw me off track and has caused disruption. i was cynical and wary from the off but gave it a chance.. just to be hurt. I wish I hadn't met the fuck#r (sorry)
your NC had a lot of bad points it's seems. I just remember the crunchy socks Shock

Tictactic · 05/05/2018 22:10

6 weeks since I last saw him.4.5 weeks since last message

Lucky34 · 05/05/2018 22:32

Hi Ladies, my first post. Turns out the man I fell in love with & had my child with is a pathological lier & our whole relationship was a farce. Been nearly 5 days & im totally broken & defeated....

Dimael · 05/05/2018 22:34

@Tictactic noooo i definitely didn’t do that! Gross!!! 🤢 Well dome you on making it this far! I am 6 weeks NC tomorrow. It’s frustrating how we give these men chances only to be hurt by them. I don’t want to be with him but I would like to talk to him and i’m not sure why. Perhaps habit.

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