NC (No Contact) thread #11: learning all the way

[Belonger]

A thread for anyone going/maintaining/struggling with/succeeding in going NC with someone for whatever reason. No judgement, just lots of support. All different situations welcome.

Many of us have found www.baggagereclaim.co.uk useful, worth a look for helpful articles and podcasts

Ok guys..... I need help.
I haven't broken the NC.
But stupid me looked at his Instagram (mainly used to post about holidays and trying to get people to book)

He posted a quote
Patience is not the ability to wait, it's the ability to keep a good attitude whilst waiting.
Then he hashtagged
*New beginnings. Relationship goals
Thursday
Patience
Lifestyle
*
I feel crazy. I'm at work, and I don't know what to do. I'm hovering over being crazy and making a comment.
Or messaging him.

It's draining me to not message him, I'm using every ounce of energy to not cry, in front of everyone at work. And not not message him.

I wish I hadn't of looked. I wish I was stronger than that

remember he has posted that quote probably for this very effect, its literally just words, dont comment, block him on instagram and be kind to yourself. You are the same today as you were yesterday, people post things like this all the time but there is no real meaning behind them relating to their life. People who mean what they say, tend to do it and not make quotes about it xxx

Popsjjx I'm confused by what he meant. By 'new beginnings' and 'relationship goals' it sounds like he's talking about moving on? But then the quote sounds like he's waiting to hear from you? Regardless, he can wait. Do not give in...he clearly knows you'll be keeping an eye on him and is doing exactly this for a reaction from you.

It's so so so so hard, but you need to stay strong. Remind yourself why you went NC in the first place - even share your list here. We are all in the same boat. I really want to message mine and tell him I miss him...but to be honest, what good would mine do. He would 'book me in' for another hookup and then drop me after that for a couple of weeks til he wanted me again. Just remember WHY you are doing NC in the first place. See if he still misses you as the weeks go on...if he really cares he can prove it. Don't fall for this.

Hi all. I'm pleased to see no one has caved in & messages their NC's.

Pops...checking SM sets you back. I did it & was upset for days. Now I've given up. Realised he's not worth it.

I saw one of his friends tonight, we were both stuck in traffic going oppisite ways. We recognised each other, said hi & asked how eachother is doing. I wondered if he'll tell him he saw me. But NC is so self obsessed it prob won't even register.

Im feeling ok-ish. I think because I've done this NC stuff so many times with him it gets easier. I'm keeping busy. I think about him permanently but that will hopefully fade in time.

I don't know about you guys but I feel the only time I am truly as peace is when I am asleep.

Much love....you're doing great...even if it doesn't feel like it....you are.

The only thought I have tonight is wondering if he even misses me. Like it even matters!!!

I think we are all so strong for walking away from something we don't want to. So let's remember how strong we are. It's easy to feel weak at a time like this, but actually we are doing something really difficult.

Night all xx

Hi everyone. I've followed this thread for a while. Haven't posted because I'm ashamed of the situation. I was the OW. I didn't know at first and fell hard so now I know I'm now trying NC. Was really struggling. Almost obsessed with him until until a friend mentioned she lost a lot of weight listening to self help videos. I am very close minded and cynical but have had this play on my phone every night the last 3 nights and honestly my desire to message him or contact him has gone. I stil miss him but I'm no longer checking his what's app status or crying all the time. Hopefully this will help you guys. I felt silly at first pressing play and trying to sleep with it on but I've slept better and the desperate urge has gone. I'd really recommend it.

Morning guys
Feeling better this morning (I think) all I did was cry last night. I think I might have needed it tbh.

Meow that's what my friend said. She was like even though you never followed him... he knows that you'll probably be looking. He knows you.
It's not aimed at me, I know that. But everyone including myself is like what? So has he moved on?
I only got upset by it because of the situation
I like you're NC list idea so I'm going to put it.

If that man ever tries to book in or another man please book them in... for a kick in the balls. Honestly. Book in stupid man.

I won't fall for it, he's managed a month without speaking to me. I think he's made his choice now.

Pineapple- I know I know I wish I never unblocked him SM, I was so annoyed with myself after!!

You're ex's friend will mention you, in a few days most likely.....and your NC will probably ask. They always ask. At least one question, my cousin does it with his his whom is my best friend and they have nothing to do with each other.

Jen - I know it's ploy because he knows I'm weak and I'll look. I know it's just words. I think it was just the ## that went with it that angered me

Thanks for the reply guys, I needed it. It did help to calm me and take away an urge to do something and break NC xxx

Why I'm NC

Inconsistent
Unreliable
Lies
Would go ghost for days
Never made time for me
Stopped calling
Stopped texting
Told me to abort a baby he originally wanted
Lied and told me he would stick by me
Has made my pregnancy (first one) as experience I don't wish to have again
Has given no support emotionally or financially
Has ignored me onthe up come to every scan and midwife appt
Punished me for being pregnant
Acted like the way he's treated me is acceptable
Believes he's done nothing wrong
Complete head fuck

I have been crazy this too.
Texting
Calling
Crying everyday
Bombarding him
Always being unhappy every time he spoke to me

That's why I'm NC

Pop my little boy's dad was pretty much NC with me the whole pregnant abs has only seen him once in his life. He's 3. He's my third dc and I'm raising them all by myself. My 2 daughter's have a dad and see him regularly but I can honestly say, it's easier alone.

Thank you Cantbelievethis123 I am so grateful for that video and will have it on tonight.

Popsjjx I am so so proud of you for not contacting him. You are the strongest of all of us as not only do you have your raw emotions but you have heightened emotions from pregnancy to deal with. You are doing amazingly well, and I mean that. He is trying anything to get you to break and to contact him so he can either ignore you or at least get the ego boost that you still want him. Don't feed into it. Block him on SM - you can unblock him at a later date...say in a week if you want to. Trust me, sometimes we need a break from it all.

Pineapple you are doing so good too...yes sleep definitely helps, I've been going to bed earlier just to stop myself overthinking in the evenings. To be honest, it's actually just helped me get through the day as I'm so tired with all the late nights I have sat up being sad for myself.

Why I'm NC

FLAKY - would cancel any time it involved HIM making effort, i'd get the "I'll make it up to you line" that I'd fall for every time.

LIAR - never told me he wanted a casual thing, even said he didn't!

FAKE - would act like he was happy to date a single mum/interested in my kids/a future.

USER - He only has female friends, no male friends because they don't give him the ego boost he craves. He'd mention exes he still chats to constantly, his 'best friend' who's a woman who he mentioned every time I saw him. Women I'd see him flirting with on insta, women calling him late at night on his phone and he'd tell me he didn't know who it was - their name was saved in the phone book!!!

CONTROL - everything was on HIS terms. He wanted me to commit and be exclusive to him, but I couldn't be his girlfriend. I was to be a secret because he's a "private person" and doesn't like showing any "lovey dovey" relationship stuff. He'd text me when he wanted to, respond when he wanted to, see me when he wanted to and leave my house in the middle of the night because he didn't want to ever stay over. Left both times he ever stayed over in 5 months with lame excuses that he 'couldn't sleep.'

EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE - He is the definition of this. Never gets too involved with any woman out of fear of settling. He mentioned how every ex had something wrong that put him off settling with her. One was that an ex had bought a designer bag when she couldn't afford to - it's like that justifies leaving and breaking her heart. I wonder what his excuse was with me, and why I wasn't good enough.

PERFECTIONIST - No one was good enough, he wasn't good enough. Always chasing better. When he'd do something he'd been trying to do for ages, he'd then be unhappy with something else. Same with people, when he had me and knew he could get me he didn't care any more. His house was pristine, he was immaculate, his body was unbelievable, but everything was hiding an insecure perfectionist who'll never be fully happy.

He made me feel:

Completely out of control
Like I was going mad for not wanting FWB
That I was obsessed with him
Hurt
Insecure/Not good enough
Emotionally exhausted
Used!!!!!!!!!!!
Lost self worth I had worked so hard to gain
Embarassed - that I have accepted such behaviour

God these men are utter shits.

I feel sad today. No specific reason just lots of things: my children being angry with me about their dad even though he was the abusive one who left for some cheap bleach blond hooker who he's now snacked up with playing happy families with our children. The local election results. The way lots of people only care about themselves and immediate family. The ridiculous situations women seem to find themselves in with abusive men. The state of my house and no one to help me do stuff. And the weather is shite! I hope my NC has a sad and lonely BH weekend because he deserves it for treating me like shit. He's not got his kids this weekend so I expect he'll be bored 😂

Meow....Your how you feel list is exactly how I feel.

They are shits. We're better off without them.

I'm angry today!!!

pineapple I know what you mean about being set back by meeting one of their friends. The polling station was right by my flat and one of his friends was at the door counting the voters, he called me over as I arrived home from work and asked me about my ex (he doesnt know we are no longer together) it was hard, I kept the conversation about what he asked (about his cat which I was considering looking after) he wondered if he still has it or if I am looking after it now, I just responded that as far as I knew he still has the cat, I didnt want to say we had split up as I would then have to go into the reasons and as my ex is seen as a man who can do no wrong and is liked by all, what I said wouldn't be believed. Thats another hard thing to deal , why is it that so often these men are so likable in public but dreadful to their GF or Wife.

Popsjjx I hope your feeling happier today, we are all on this journey together and will support you through the bad days so keep posting and we will keep responding.

I am on Day 4 of NC, I cant believe he hasn't attempted contact but then as I have blocked him on SM, Email and dont have a mobile, unless he contacts me at work he wont be able to get hold of me, the danger time is tonight as he has a house very near where I live that he is renovating and may come back for the Bank Holiday weekend to work on it and I wouldn't put it past him to knock on my door.

Hope everyone is staying strong and enjoying the lovely weather x

I have a day off today, which is very rare for me, and instead of doing anything productive so far I've been moping around.

You'd have thought that list I posted earlier would make me realise what I'm doing is right. But no, I've had some massive upset that I miss him - well, I miss the sex lol! It was the best sex I've ever had and I'm not sure I'll have such good sex with anyone else. His birthday is in 11 days and I was stupidly even considering messaging him and just sorting some kind of no strings hookup that involves no 'lets pretend we're dating' crap. I feel so pathetic for even thinking this!!!

Jenasaurus maybe don't answer the door if he does? Unless you are expecting a package there is no reason to open your door to anyone. Good you blocked him, same as me blocking mine although he found me on one place he could contact me and did. But not heard since I basically told him I was done. Maybe he thinks you'll come back so is giving you space to do that right now.

LiteraryDevil Sorry to hear you're feeling a bit low. Your children probably feel safer taking things out on you, us mums always seem to get the brunt of everything. Just know my house is also a state! haha. I have a day off and I can't even be bothered to sort it. Yes hopefully both our NC have a crappy weekend, mine has no kids either but he's so self absorbed his weekend will be all about him anyway so I'm sure he'll have a good time.

Meow - I relate to you missing the physical side, I do too. But try and be strong because someone better will come along and remember it was only so good because you were also good, its not just him, so it can be with someone else, id that makes sense.

After I found the text to the OW I refused to let him touch me, it was awkward as I was stuck in a bedroom with him 4 hours drive from home without any way of getting home as I only had cash on me and not enough for a train, so I had to spend the night fending off his advances and the following morning I am ashamed to say I let him have his way, he then said "as soon as you find someone that can satisfy you and make you ..... 5 times like I just did, then I will let you end things with me"...controlling and manipulative but it also struck a chord. (i do have someone that can do that for me...its called a rabbit..so he is redundant lol)

Seriously though, the bit I miss is the planning of events, like I keep seeing weekend breaks and holidays to nice places advertised and thinking oh me and ex could go there and then remembering I havent got anyone to share these things with. I know it wont be forever and I received a lovely supportive message from my friend at work (see below) that has kept me smiling and strong

"You are highly thought of by both (managers name) and myself. It saddens me to think you feel like this about yourself, dont let that man do this to you please you are a beautiful person inside and out and deserve so much more. I understand ive been through the same thing twice, and its so painful but you have a wonderful family to support you and you will get through it, try and keep positive and strong i know its hard but you can do it. (colleagues name) and i will help you though this tough time just text me if your feeling rubbish. Chin up lady there will be someone special waiting for you when your ready you see. Hugs"

Jenasaurus Yes that must be really hard that you planned things together. I have tickets for an event me and NC were meant to be going to this Summer - although he wouldn't 100% say yes to going with me (how pathetic is that haha) - so now I've got to find someone to go to that with. But remember, why would you want to go away with someone so controlling. Why not book a little getaway for yourself...and your rabbit ;) haha. Which reminds me, I need to charge mine. hahaha tmi!

To be honest and this is very TMI I really miss him and get the urge to contact him when I've 'sorted myself out' - as I do that thinking of him. I can't help it, as the sex was so good. Argh. Then I finish and I'm so upset and hurt and desperate to see him.

However I just read a NC article about contacting him on his birthday, and it makes total sense not to. Firstly I have told him I don't want anything to do with him and I'm moving on with my life. So if I message him it'll show I don't take my word seriously, so why will he. Then it'll go back to zero respect and him trying it on. So yes, I will be strong. I hate how up and down my emotions are. I'm day 10 full NC...will be 3 weeks since I blocked him on Monday.

Day 10 and 3 weeks of blocking him Meow thats brilliant, you should be proud, it might not sound that much to someone who hasnt been where you are but to cut off all contact with someone who was once the center of your world is very very tough, I would compare that to 10 days for an addict to not smoke for (speaking as one..:) ) and thats not an easy mission.

This thread helps so much, its nice to know there is always someone to chat to who knows what you are going through. Take a friend to the event you have booked this summer and enjoy it, you can also book and go to any event you fancy without him being so indecisive and non committal about it..just do what you want as you dont have to consider him now :)

Are you planning a holiday this year? If so choose something that you really want to do that you may not have been able to if it was including him, make the most of it...I am hurting a lot thinking about the same things as you but trying to make all the negatives into positives and a holiday is on the cards for me (at least one holiday, and if money will allow two :) )

my fave quote of the day so far: "The longer you stagnate in a puddle of regret, the longer the healing process takes"

Just been asked on a date! Its too soon isnt it? I am not ready! and I am shocked, its been 4 days since I have been single, I am 53 and from what my Ex led me to beleive, I was unlovable so its made me feel so much better, not sure if I will go or not, its an old schoolfriend who visited my company as a contractor, I last saw him when I was 13 and had a crush on him then at school, how odd is life!

Lit - it's mad to think that someone can help create a life and act if asif it's not happening.
I know I'll be better off, doing this without having him around. He's been inconsistent in my life (for the short time I've known him) he'll be the same when his son is here. It's a shame.
But with you guys, and reading posts it makes me think I'll handle this.
I also hope you're feeling better, kids will take it out on you. What we all do, take it out on the ones we love... and when you're younger you don't always see how it really is.

Meow - thank you!! Honestly I didn't and don't always feel strong. I know th pregnancy emotions make everything feel a million times worse. Honestly I didn't think your emotions would be his up and down. I re blocked him, and haven't looked since. I guess it just got me.... he doesn't have me on any SM as I got rid of everything and we never followed each other on insta.... so seeing that post really hurt. And still does hurt.
Your list - relatable. I think if we all wrote a list and reasons why, we'd all pick out a few bits that scream yes I can relate

Jen - thank you!! Honestly I don't know how I would manage... if I didn't have this thread. My friends are amazing, but they also kind of look at me and there like come on you're doing so well, get over it (they it'll take time)
But you guys, I feel like I could repeat it all and you'd all still be patient because you're all having the same issues and it's so relatable.

I'm off to London for the day tomorrow for the army vs Navy rugby - dreading it. Because I can't stop thinking about how he has four days off no doubt, wondering what's he doing. Wondering if he'll be in London himself visiting his family. I know London's a big place there's no chance of us bumping into each other. But his train catterick passes through where I live.... think I'm just over thinking and being over anxious.... I'm imagining seeing him and it'll never happen

Right ladies what are your weekend plans?

My ex is on the way to pick up DC and that gives me my first two nights freedom in 3 weeks! Not that I have anything planned tonight haha. I could go to London and drink away my sorrows with friends, but I've decided that is probably not a sensible idea, plus I'm out tomorrow although again not drinking. Instead I'm going to have an evening gym session and when I get back my rule is to avoid all social media for the night! Not that he's on my accounts, but if I'm not careful I'll go snooping. I'm also going to stay off Mumsnet for the night after this post too. I'm allowed to think about him (I think stopping myself from that will make it worse) but I'm not allowed to actively search anything online or write about/stalk him.

Tomorrow I'm going to try and stay busy and am out with friends in the evening thank goodness, then the DC are back Sunday so life will be chaotic again. Wishing you all a good evening, i'll be back to update tomo xx

Weekends are hardest for some reason.

I have dc all weekend. Tomorrow we'll have a lazy morning & then hopefully go out somewhere in the afternoon. Maybe the park. Sunday we'll go to the local car boot sale, dc love it & we always get some bargains. We're having a bbq on Sunday aft & my parents are coming. Monday we are out with my friend & her dd for a picnic. I'm trying to keep busy. Next weekend dc are at their dad's so I might have an evening at the cinema with a friend. We go on holiday to Spain at half term so I need to start prepping for that.

pops agree with what you say about this thread been relatable. I don't talk to anyone about NC in real life anymore. My friends who did know just think I've moved on & I'm ok. It's a real comfort having this thread. Telling everyone my latest emotions with NC & getting words of wisdom is an absolute blessing.

Much love all. DO NOT contact your NC's. You'll regret it.

Today I feel disgusted with myself for ever having sex with him. I feel like I need to wash and wash myself some more. I can never take it back and I feel so ashamed of myself. I was out of his league and he should never have been near me. God I am an idiot! I intend to get quite drunk to get this feeling out of my mind it’s so disturbing and I feel so disgusting. I want out of my body some place he can’t touch me. I’m safe now I know and I won’t ever let him touch me.

My list of reasons is back!
Disappearing when things got difficult or something serious needed to be sorted.
Slept with a woman 20 years older than me without condoms.
Put me at risk of STDs because of above.
His friends came before me always.
Made me feel needy when all I wanted was to talk/spend time with him.
Caused arguments in the days before I had exams to try make me fail.
Could never look after his money so could never go on holidays.
Blew hot and cold.
No cuddling or kisses during or after sex - it was just an act and I felt disgusting after.

I could go on. I don’t want him back. I don’t want to see him or speak to him again. I honestly just wish it never happened. How do you get rid of the shame of what has happened?