NC (No Contact) thread #11: learning all the way

[Belonger]

A thread for anyone going/maintaining/struggling with/succeeding in going NC with someone for whatever reason. No judgement, just lots of support. All different situations welcome.

Many of us have found www.baggagereclaim.co.uk useful, worth a look for helpful articles and podcasts

Thanks everyone your words have helped me.

I keep wondering if he's saying the stuff he said to me to someone else. He reeled me in hook line a sinker.....TWICE . I feel a bit stupid for been so gullable but I think it was probably because I was so desperate for him to want me how I wanted him I was hopeful that second time around we could make a go of it. Ahhh well.

I'm.tired tonight. It's been a long
.
I look forward to reading this thread I'm so so grateful for it.

Much love to you all...We all deserve so much better xxx

Trying very hard not to think about it is my answer. Very nearly 2 weeks of nc now and beginning to feel better. Being busy is key

@literarydevil glad you are doing well! Family is the key to everything! The more time moves on the better you feel. I’m glad that your final message brought you closure because I think that is often missing at the end of a relationship and extends the grieving.

@iwouldmarrythebeast busy works best for 3 weeks then suddenly you can’t do busy anymore because it’s not sustainable. I never thought I would get to a month but here I am. You can do it!! I love that man but i’m here living and functioning by hook or by crook.

@dimael - thank you for the encouraging words! I’m beginning to get insight into the relationship with the whole nc process

@iwouldmarrythebeast it gives you perspective doesn’t it? You miss the good but you are also free from the bad so you can see it from the outside instead. Don’t get me wrong things happen which throw you over the edge but those days happen less and less.

Keep strong!

Thank you both @dimael and @literarydevil

Hi all, checking in for Day 2 of NC, mixed feelings today. I have an emotional sting inside me, but I am also managing to function at work. I am in a busy period, getting ready for an official opening of our new building and loads to be done so not time to sit and think about the pain I am going through.

I have been chatting to some very supportive people in the office and they have helped me realise just how toxic my relationship was. I accepted far too much emotional abuse without even thinking it was abuse. He called me fat repeatedly, but in such a way I thought I was wrong to be upset, he would say "I am just telling the truth" and I suppose I thought he was right, but he would say things like on his birthday, he wouldn't take me out to eat (instead he wined and dined the OW!), he said "well your too fat to eat out so I didn't take you"...How did I accept this from him!

My friend at work said, he was trying to put me down and make me insecure so I didn't leave him, and now I think she was correct, otherwise he was just being mean. I am not huge but have a bit of a belly and big boobs. When I started to lose weight, he said "I hope its from your face and not your boobs!" those sort of comments all the time ground me down.

Anyway, this isn't to harp on about him,. its to congratulate myself on getting through day 2 of NC - hope everyone else is managing ok too

Well done jena you'll have ups and downs. Keep busy. And be kind to yourself. Surround yourself with nice people.

Your ex sounds vile. My dc's dad (not my NC) was Like your NC. He used to say 'you're used goods now no one will want you' & 'you're a crap mum' 'psycho'. I was called fat too. They really are disgusting human beings. How can they be so cruel to someone they claim to love?

You've definitely made the right decision, as hard as it is one day you'll see you did the right thing. I'm 6 years on from dc's dad & though I'm getting fed up of being single I thank god every day that I had the strength to end it with him. I'm actually ashamed of what I put up with.

I'm ok about NC today too. Why waste time & energy on someone who clearly doesn't care?

If it's meant to be....it will be.

Checking in on day 14. Have felt sick and cried a couple of times. Lost my df a few months ago so both losses came crashing into together today

@iwouldmarrythebeast I can never understand why some days are harder than others. Just do something nice for yourself tonight- bath or cake whatever you fancy.

Hey guys, I've had a tough day. Again he's in my thoughts all day and it's been really up and down. I'm 8 days proper NC since I sent my last message explaining why I blocked him. I'm into week 3 of blocking him on my phone/instagram. He could message me on FB but the last message I sent told him I'm moving on with my life and want nothing to do with him, so I don't think he would ever message now.

I hate mourning someone who didn't want me, just have to remember I'm missing a person I thought existed who didn't. He has been a big lesson for me in being really careful and not jumping in too quick with someone. I've been very naive and thought he was all the things he promised and acted like, but he wasn't.

Keep speaking to people through OLD, but I realise I need to work on my self esteem again as it's been badly damaged by this plonker.

Hope everyone is doing okay. Jenasaurus well done on starting NC. My ex who I had DC with (not who I am NC with) was so emotionally abusive. He would belittle me in front of our DC and in the end tried to get them to insult me too! That's when I left. He also used to try and make me fat, especially when I was trying to lose weight, to keep me around and make me feel I could never move on. In the end I stopped caring what he thought, lost 4 stone and he was gutted as I was back to who I was before him - a happy, sociable person. He still misses me over a year on, but I never pointed out he was EA. Wasn't worth it, just left. You can do NC, we are all here for you x

Meow - well done! You're doing great and keep it up! 8 days will soon be 9!

Everything you've said is so relatable. Working on you is the most important you need and want to be happy....

If he doesn't message now, it's clear that you made the right choice.

Jenna - day by day it's gets better.
But as you've read we all have shit days, and days that we want to say something.... when you feel like that, put it here. Don't break the NC keep strong
Each of us are in the boat.

@meow I think that’s one of the worst things knowing that he could message and he hasn’t! I feel like that too because I didn’t block him. I guess men also have to go no contact on us to recover- wouldn’t it be funny if our NCs were in a thread talking about us. Probably find as well that they are waiting on us to break and message them! I am staying away from old until I can go a month without crying over him and i’m over a week now.

Dimael Yeah well luckily I have him blocked on Whatsapp etc otherwise I probably would have broken and messaged him. Or at least I'd be checking his online status constantly and no doubt changing my Whatsapp pic to try and encourage him to message me (yes I'm THAT sad.) He only has me on FB messenger and that's because he found my account to ask why I blocked him.

Do I think he misses me slightly? Yes - but more for using me for companionship/sex than on the emotional level I miss him. Do I think he'll message me? Possibly months down the line to ask how I am. However, my last message to him was pretty final. Basically told him to leave me alone as I'm 'moving on with my life', so I know he will respect what I said. He will probably also expect me to cave which is why I need to be strong. He showed such little respect at the end anyway, that if I do message him it'll just feed his ego.
It's his birthday in 2 weeks time, I keep questioning whether to break NC and send him just a happy birthday, but I should leave it really. By then I'll be a lot further into NC anyway so hopefully will feel stronger.

I am no contact with my beloved parents. Of al mother hardest break ups this is by far the worst for me.
I have had a cancer diagnosis and my mother didn’t call me ( despite knowing) that in combination with a childhood from hell finished things.

I have had to learn complete independence quickly. It has been hell. My mother is a narcissist, but I can’t make anymore. So I focus entirely on the future now, on my dc abd dh and cry when they are asleep ready for the next day

@meow I have tried the changing photo trick with previous exes and it didn’t work so didn’t do it this time 😂😂 As long as you have contact you cannot move forward. I think sending him a birthday message would do 2 things 1 if he has feelings for you it would confuse him and 2 you would be hoping for a response from him/dashed if he doesn’t respond. Probably best not to.

How's the vibe this morning?

I don't feel great, I woke up thinking about him straight away. With the urge to Put his number back in my phone... check his time stamp and message him.
He also moves closer this month, so he'll only be 45 minutes away... instead of the 2.5hrs. It's making me really anxious, I know it's sometime this month.
Also I know he'll probably be free this bank holiday.... All that free time to spend with someone else and make effort

Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Today's day 17 NC for me.
It's 26 days since he's message or said anything to me

Keep the reading this to make me realise

I really don't like NC for the purpose of making them miss you in order to get them back. It's game playing and not for me. Who wants to be with someone who treats you like shit but comes running back when they think they are going to lose you? They'll just treat you like shit again and you'll feel like a prize idiot for letting them back into your life. NC gives you head space to start the grieving process once it's over but you have to accept its over unless you want a relationship based on manipulations.

Literary -

I feel like my NC treats it all like it's a game or isn't real life.

The head space that you talk about is refreshing, it's what's needed. But at the same time, it's what makes me feel bad from time to time. I'm mentally in a better place after only 17 days. I haven't touched him for over 160.

It's communication, and consistency. I want that so badly, and I feel like I want and it has to be with him. He's no good

I hate today. I want to cry.

I feel like I'm slipping down and I'll break this NC . I don't want to

Popsjjx I have saved that picture. I think the thing to take from that picture isn't that what we're doing is game playing. I realise a LOT of people do NC for game playing, but that this time it's serious and we need to take this seriously. The 'you keep running back to him and he gets off on it' is EXACTLY what I need to take in. I've tried to walk away twice before and come back. Each time he treated me WORSE. In fact the last time I went back he treated me like some quick hookup. I remember me saying I missed him and could I see him this weekend, didn't get a 'i miss you too' just got a 'usual time?' like he was booking me in for a hookup!

Although I'm changing what's in that quote from 3 days to 3 months...and then another 3 months and another...sigh.

My NC and I could be friends once my feelings go. But he just keeps women in his life for an ego boost. He has no friends but women. I remember him saying he could be friends with all of his exes and I realise why now. Because he dumps them all and doesn't get too close to them emotionally so he's capable of being friends- plus then it leaves the door open for any of them if they want a fling with him. He was in contact with one of his exes who was married and had just had a baby - clearly it wasn't innocent, she must have been after an ego boost as was he. I remember him saying he doesn't flirt with her they just 'have banter' - but I've seen with my own eyes what his 'banter' is and it's 100% flirting.

Need to remember why I walked away.

@popsjjx - don’t break it... I have and feel awful... worse than I did before

Hi all

Day 3 and doing OK, I am having a very busy day just taking a break for lunch and to update my progress on here.

Last night I was unable to sleep, I was filled with alternating sadness and then anger, both at my ex and also at myself for putting up with his behaviour for so long.

Only this weekend he made a statement that should have been a red flag, he said "there is a reason that men need to control women", he then said he was going to ask me something that may make me angry...he said "i want you to take all your make up off"...I didnt, well not until bedtime and then had the huge shock when I found those cheating texts on his phone...you know the rest. Its the fact he used the words 'men need to control women' its like he knows its not acceptable but he truly beleives it. anyway back to last night, I was unable to sleep, being filled with rage one minute and then wanting to cry with sorrow the next. How hard must it be for those who used to see their ex every day as part of a routine, I only saw him once a month as it was long distance for the last 3 years (saw each other daily the first 2) as we have been together a total of 5 years. I know its just the routine I miss, the person that I would tell my woes of the day etc is no longer there for me...anyway, I am ashamed to say I popped a couple of tramadol and then a couple more, to numb the pain and then stopped myself. I went to the PC and noticed my dd was also online, I asked why she was awake and she said she felt sad and fat (she isnt fat but has come out of a relationship herself and low self esteem)

Anyway, we chatted away for a while and she asked why I was awake, I said I was feeling sad, and she said "i knew you were mum, when I saw you earlier and you said you felt Ill, please dont lie to me, talk about it if it helps, and not if it doesnt but dont pretend to be OK". We chatted a little bit more and have now booked a break away in October, we are buying a couple of bikes to go cycling, a party together on Saturday and the cinema on Sunday, I eventually felt tired and went to bed, As I lay there a strength came over me that I will get over him, I dont need him and I am determind to stay NC, My DD made me realise I have people around me who care and are a central part of my life which I am truly grateful for

My 28 year old son has made me promise not to let my ex in the house as he said he doesn't want him anywhere near me.

So feeling stronger today, but I am shocked at how much my mood fluctuates, one moment I find a sad song making me miss him so much and the next I feel happy about my freedom to do other things

Hope you are all doing well today x