NC (No Contact) thread #11: learning all the way

[Belonger]

A thread for anyone going/maintaining/struggling with/succeeding in going NC with someone for whatever reason. No judgement, just lots of support. All different situations welcome.

Many of us have found www.baggagereclaim.co.uk useful, worth a look for helpful articles and podcasts

NC for almost 14 months. After a row, out of the blue. I miss him all the time, I still cry, I talk to him, write a journal as if it's a never-ending letter. But I'm too proud to reach out & too scared of rejection. I know he still loves me; always has & probably always will. We've been friends and lovers since our teens, married other people, divorced, been NC before but now we're middle-aged and time is running out. Just felt like sharing.

Well after watching that video last night I left myself a note reminder saying ‘you made the right decision, you deserve better’ etc and it does make me feel better.

Like you pineapple I kept questioning could I do FWB. I actually went back for a month as that and he treated me so much worse I was actually heartbreaking. He had such little respect for me, and now I see it’s because I went back. How can you respect someone who will take scraps? :(

Wow diodati that is a great job but sorry to hear you’re still sad about it. I think some people can really have an affect on our lives even if we didn’t know them for that long.

Funny I’m more hurt by this breakup than I was my 8 year split with my DC’s dad

meow video was good...

pineapple sometimes not having everyone in RL know what is going on is good, I mean. I've turned to you guys more lately than my friends. There all amazing, but I feel like you guys don't judge as much - like you see feel the struggle and you understand how hard it really can be.

FWB is always messed, one person always has more feels than the other. I hate it, its something I try to avoid now.

So yesterday, I caved. I didn't message him
I searched him on FB - great idea.
He has holiday page thing - army full time then works as a self employed travel agent on the side (plannettravel)
anyway, I got so mad because - how can he sit on fb posting about holidays.... replying to strangers about how good this deal is, posting quotes about positivity and how everyone should treat those how they want to be treated. Yet he cant acknowledge me? or his unborn child? I mean ok he wanted a child I didn't, I fall and hey ho hes all like no no no. My blood actually felt like it was boiling. Im right to pissed off?? or am I over reacting - I mean I know these things arnt posted to get me, because he doesn't speak. Hes not bothered, ive deleted him from EVERYTHING, and nothings been mentioned, I don't even think he realises.

Pops that sounds so unfair. Facebook is a pain in the ass. I’ve stalked unashamedly my stbxh, OW (and most of her family), his family etc etc. It’s doesnt help and just fuels anger. It’s not fair how his life goes on and he’s left you without acknowledgement.

Day 2 for me, unfortunately we have a lot of financial stuff to sort. My emails are short and business like. I’ve refused to meet face to face to discuss. There’s really no need and I really don’t want to.

Yup :(

Hello all, I would like to join you as I have just ended a relationship (see this thread for why):

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3235758-advice-on-whether-I-am-reading-too-much-into-this-please

I know he will try and make contact. My DD has begged me not to give in to him when he does, I have blocked him on everything except cant on my work phone but I can see the number before I answer it so that should be OK to monitor.

I need him completely out of my life, we have no financial ties or children together and he lives in a different town. The difficulty is he still owns a house almost down the road from me which he comes back regularly to renovate to sell or rent out. It is then he is likely to appear on my doorstep. The other complication is his daughter is my daughters best friend and has been since the age of 5, (they are now 23) she is coming to stay on 18th May for my DDs birthday weekend and I really love having her over, she is lovely but its going to be hard as my own DD hates him and will have to watch what she says about him as he is still her friends father.

So can I join this NC thread, day 1 for me as the final thing I sent him was yesterday morning.

I may need to post here a lot to begin with as its very painful losing someone you considered your Best friend and lover without support.

jena welcome to the thread. Sorry you are in this position. But you aren't on your own. Post as much as you like. I ramble on and repeat myself all the time & no one judges.

thanks pineapple I enjoy a good ramble too

He’s got to come over tonight to see our son, who after recent surgery is too ill to go out. I feel sick.

@jena welcome, I am new and have had so much strength for everyone on here. I have had an Ok day but been busy, sat in traffic and our song comes on which had me blubbing, where’s the radio station where they play Gloria Gaynor on loop??
@just- can you just go in another room while he is there?

Keep strong and positive all, remember silence is deafening!! X

Jena - welcome . I was a late joiner to, but everyone's been really good!!

Welcome everyone new!
I have been NC 1 month now, it was 1st April when I last spoke to him. I manage most days without crying and on a whole I am doing ok. For me the biggest stumbling block is social media. I would advise anyone who can to completely delete them off there. Although my NC doesn’t speak to me he is always liking posts so I stopped posting and now he has started going back and liking old photos! Completely counterproductive when I want to move on with my life. It gets you wondering what he is up to. I also have the issue of mutual friends getting involved. Finding out that he is struggling pulls at the heart strings and now I am being asked if I will attend an event which he will be at. Very difficult decision for me. I started thinking whilst bored at work today of how it would go and I can see myself back with him if I am not careful. I know he is not good for me, but I do still love him so this is too soon for me.

Luckily the sun was shining today so has put me in a slightly better mood. I'm shattered though from being up all night with my poorly boy. We've been to the doctors and got him medicine so hopefully will all sleep better tonight. I still can't believe how much I was used and how I was so naive to it. I had such a wall up when I met NC too. I told him how much I hated men, and how badly I'd been treated and he acted like the hero I'd always hoped to meet. When he was worse than anyone else I've been with. :( It's his birthday in a couple of weeks and I've been thinking should I break NC to wish him the best, but at the moment I won't. Having him as a friend would never work, he would always try it on with me just like he must have been doing with his other 'female friends.' Funny how I realise now he had no male friends. Such an odd ball. Just a total user, only using people for his own pleasure, and had zero empathy for anyone.

Dimael I think you need to avoid the event, and can you remove him from SM or are you not in a place where you feel you can do that yet? SM is hard for me but as I didn't realise my NC only wanted to keep me as a secret, we were only on Instagram and I deleted and blocked him off both of my accounts. However doesn't stop me going on my browser to look at his pages- luckily they are private so all I can see is if he has followed anyone or see if he's posted a new picture. He's very private though so even when he moves on with someone else it'll all be a secret - he probably already has.

Oh and for me it's been 1 week of full NC but 2 weeks since I blocked him on all SM and went NC, but had to break it 1 week ago as he asked why I'd blocked him. So just sent one message about that this time last week. I don't think he'll ever message me again, but I do wonder if he wants to. Probably not even bothered.

Meow - I do exactly the same. I check on social media and stuff... mainly insta I keep unblocking and blocking - but he follows a lot of girls, that follow him back. Which I find odd, I know these girls are people that have had contact with him. I have to really refrain from messaging them. Can't look crazy.

Dimael - meow is right, avoid this event.
You'll get sucked in, especially if you still feel for him, you're going to be putting yourself in a situation you don't want.

15 days for me with NC, nearly broke it today. Reason because of my last post, but I didn't. I just cried like a bitch over it :(

I feel really low today. I'm trying to put on a brave face in front of everyone.

Why doesn't he want to talk to me? How can he not want me or his kid?

This is where I wish wish wish I could get drunk or just go out and let my hair down :(

The reason I find it odd is because this insta page is mainly for his travel stuff.....

God I'm crazy this week.

hello fellow NC people, thanks for the warm welcome. I found the following phrase and it made me smile amid the pain if dumping a cheat

Trust is everything, if someone doesn’t think you’re enough for them that’s a reflection on them not you. Unless you’re Henry the eighth one girl should be enough

@meowimacat so sorry you have a poorly little one! It can’t be easy if he is up through the night. I am a firm believer in not staying friends with an ex. This case is proving different for me. My best friend is dating my NC’s best friend! So the split caused a falling out everywhere and I am trying not to rock the boat. I hid all his posts so I don’t get updates on him and I don’t actually go looking it’s just him lurking with the like button 🙈. I just want to spend time with my friends as normal now I feel lonely without them but chances are it means I accept him as well.

@popsjjx I just so badly want to be with my friends again. I guess I have to face him soon. 1 month no socialising after a split is awful! I don’t understand how he doesn’t want his child either I am fuming for you. Should our your differences aside for the child! This is why I am desperate to go out and get drunk. Even with him oops!

Dimael - suppose this is where I'm lucky. We have no mutual friends. His life is a complete secret. Where as I'm very open, he met my friends so they know how awful he is. But everyone that's knows him thinks he's great no doubt

@popsjjx god I wish we didn’t have mutual friends! It would be so much easier. I replied to my friend that I want to come to this party but not sure it’s a good idea with NC being there. Now I am the petty one! 🙈 Just going to have to marry this guy and have done with it!

How do you guys cope when you think of NC with other women? I'm struggling tonight with the fact he didn't want me but has probably gone on to get someone else.

Dimael - yeah, it does make it easier but I suppose at the time same you want to know who their mates and stuff are.... you're far from petty for not wanting to go, friends should get that. But yeah that's always an option 😂🙄

Pineapple - I try not to think about it, when I do I stop myself straight away. It's not worth getting in that.
It bothers me that he's making effort with other people but can't with me.
So I try and think about something else or occupy myself.
Keep busy, when you feel yourself thinking about it, just stop and think... that person will end up going through what I went through... it's a horrible feeling we all know that, it's just taking your mind away from it... overthinking is a nightmare

pineapple That is the thought I keep pushing from my head but it keeps coming back. Knowing that he will move on and may have already moved on - certainly talking to other women with the potential to hookup, I'm sure. I miss the sex so much, and to imagine him with someone else is so hurtful. I hate that I clearly didn't mean that much that he doesn't care to pursue me. I hate that one day he might commit to someone else, and be all the things he acted like with me. But in reality he'll probably always have one eye on the door.
I hate that he said nice things to me but now they'll be said to someone else.

What we have to focus on though is how shit they treated us. Whilst I miss the intimacy and him. I was treated like crap, I really was. I need to remember I MADE THE RIGHT DECISION. We all did. If you have to stop talking to someone, that is such a huge thing and it's clearly because they are toxic to you.

Pineapple I feel sorry for any other women he has relationships or even just sex with because they too will suffer all his shit like I did.

I really don't feel like I miss mine at all now. It's 9 days since I sent him that message telling him exactly what he was and never to contact me again. I split with him in March though. I do think about him several times a day but to be honest it just doesn't bother me. If I hear the odd song I might get a bit emotional but I feel not a lot where he's concerned. I just mentally shrug. Memories create some sadness and whimsy but I think I've just got to that stage in life where I haven't the time or the patience for anyone else's shit and poor treatment of me. They can just fuck off. My family are the most important people in my life. There's a circle of 5. Us 4 plus my lovely mum and we are all that truly matters. It's like his treatment of me made me suddenly wise and I finally found myself thinking more of myself and about my own happiness. Not in a negative way but in a positive way. I care about who and what matter and little else. I'm going to be one hell of a feisty old lady in 40 years!

The only time I feel truly sad is when my LO says "I really liked your bf" and I feel I've made bad decisions and that's not fair on LO. Hence staying single because I let that guy into my family unit as I thought he was finally a nice guy who was going to be with us forever. I was wrong. And I feel bad about that. But he was abusive and needed to go. He wasn't the nice guy he made himself out to be.