NC (No Contact) thread #11: learning all the way

[Belonger]

A thread for anyone going/maintaining/struggling with/succeeding in going NC with someone for whatever reason. No judgement, just lots of support. All different situations welcome.

Many of us have found www.baggagereclaim.co.uk useful, worth a look for helpful articles and podcasts

Fluffy - go for it? Just see what happens and how you feel? But if you think it's too soon, say no?
I don't know. I think if I wasn't pregnant, I might have tried dating or OLD to see how it made me feel......

Meow - weekends are the worst!! I was kept busy this weekend with work, and then having a massive friends and family dinner today.... I kept social and didn't show to much... but my best friend was like you're thinking about him. I know you are.

I've thought about him constantly since Thursday evening :(

Meh

Just - well done!!! I'm on day 13 and it's a killer. He's had nc with me for 22 days. ( I stopped bothering after a week of nothing)

Hope everyone starts to feel a bit more positive

FRESH WEEK FRESH FEELS.

@fluffy I was asked out but I declined - the man in question was someone I had known 6 months and had a gut feeling about. If it’s someone new then why not have a drink with him.

@dimael - he seems so nice and it’s someone new... he has made me smile when I didn’t want to. He is making each day of NC easier and he is very good looking!! He knows the situation and his view is if we don’t try we may miss out on something... I think I will go x

Hi everyone,
I’ve not posted in a while, I hope everyone is doing ok.
So my husband left me 6 weeks ago and moved in with his parents. I’ve been so lost and rather embarrassingly I was begging him at first and texting him all the time. After advise on here I cut contact to just about the children.

I have been doing so well even though it hurts so much however his mum has just been diagnosed with cancer. I don’t know what to do. I have been speaking to his mum and visiting every day but I don’t know how to act around him. My natural instinct is to hug and support him but I can’t handle the rejection if I was to try.

Any advise on how to handle this? I’m absolutely gutted!

@Angelsnowflake I’m so sorry, what an awful situation for you. 6 weeks is no time at all, I would let him know that you are there for him but leave it to him to reach out to you. Look after yourself and the kids and keep doing what you are doing with MIL, you sound lovely!
It’s the start of a new week, be positive guys and keep your strength!

Morning Angel, I would withdraw that level of support to his mum gradually, she should only have that support from you if you were still with your husband. Obviously still check in but not every day. And no support to your husband at all. Sorry, hope that isn’t too harsh

Day 1 and I’ve failed by forwarding an email. Still 1 slip up mustn’t stop me. Just wish I knew he was hurting as much as me and the kids.

Hey girls! So this is one of the first mornings where I woke up and didn't miss him like I normally would. I still know his routine, still know what he's up to (to some extent) today. I am still desperate for him to message me and tell me he's sorry etc. But like I said yesterday, it would not make me come back to him, I know now he's awful for me. But I really miss the fake person he made me believe he was. I really miss the intimacy etc. :( But I know one day I'll have that with someone better. Right now I'm being massively selfish and focusing on ME. I was meant to go on dates this coming weekend, but have decided to go out with friends instead.

Juststopit forwarding an email isn't that bad, so don't worry about it. What you need to do is make sure you don't agree to a meet up, and really hold off messaging him or chatting. You need distance and time. Don't beat yourself up if you break NC right now. But try and give yourself some space as that is the best way to see just how much better off you are without him. Write down a list of all the reasons you are doing this, all the negative things he's done. When you go to contact him, why not tell yourself you can do it in 4, 8, 12 or 24 hours if the need is still there. But in between that time of wanting to message him you must keep yourself busy doing something. Either going for a walk, meeting a friend, going shopping, watching a movie, taking a bath and painting your nails. Then if you still feel like contacting him do.

@meowimacat - glad you are feeling positive, your message was great to read as always. I too am desperate for him to message me but I know it won’t happen. I put The Beautiful Souths song ‘I need a little time’ on in the car this morning, am sure it been mentioned before but was great to actually listen to the words. I know at some point he will realise that he has made a mistake, when he does, I WILL be able to say sorry but it’s not right for me anymore!
In the mean time I just want him to message me and see how I am, I refuse to message him and have found yet another quote that we all need to remember.
Will just leave this right here for us all

Thanks meow you’re right. No need to be so tough on myself. I love that quote fluffy. It’s so true. Right! Off to keep busy....

Hope you're all doing ok today!!

Thanks for that quote Popsjjx I've saved that one as a good reminder.

Thought I was doing better but he's been in my mind all day. Problem with my job is there's no thought to what I do. It's pretty straightforward, so gives me plenty of time to think. I'm an over thinker at the best of times as well.

I've saved that quote too pops. It's a good one. The harsh reality is definitely what I need reminding of when I'm over thinking

Silence is a powerful response. It's also annoying!

I do my feel too bad today. Dc got back from their dad's yesterday afternoon & today I'm working & I'm.really busy so it's a great distraction. Also been asked to apply for another job within the company which is a great boost for my self esteem.

Two fingers to my NC today for me... won't last though!!!

Keep going all. We can do this..

So am now having a good old cry, it’s just so hard, I hate trying to be strong when all I want to do is call him and just say hi.... but what Help will that do! How can you say you love someone and hurt them at the same time!

Hugs Fluffyflump nothing will help if you call him, but it's that hope that they care, isn't it. Mine is still blocked on Whatsapp and I keep thinking of unblocking him, but what's the point.

I have had WAY too much time today to think about everything. The worst thing is I know he may not have thought about me once!!! :( I say may as I'm hoping he has but I'm clearly not on his mind at all now. I hate to think that, that hurts the most.

Being a single parent and living in an area where I have no friends and family just sucks right now. Just feeling really fed up. I hate how up and down my emotions are, earlier I was fine. Hmmmpf x

Pineapple Congrats on the new potential job - sounds exciting, and sounds like you've kept busy which is always good. As you say 'silence is a powerful response' - I was listening to 'Say Something' earlier by Justin Timberlake. Not that it's about NC, but when he says 'Sometimes the greatest way to say something, is to say nothing at all.' Makes me think how much I want to contact him, but how the silence between us says enough.

Ugh. Just had to speak to him on the phone about money. I put all the information in an email so why did he ring. He seems to think that he can not pay any maintenance for a couple of weeks as he’s a bit hard up. Well don’t keep going out then! Dickhead.

Day 2 tomorrow and he’s bound to turn up. I will escape with the dogs.

Fluffy...a good cry sometimes helps. It's a rollercoaster of emotions. And pretty exhausting.

Contacting them won't achieve or change anything. Mine didn't even reply. It just prolongs the agony & sets you back. So don't contact them (says me who did just that then regretted it!!!!)

Meow-i too am a LP. I have very little family (we aren't a close family) & probably 2 good friends. No one to talk to. It makes it very hard.

Keep going ladies. It does get easier. Each hour is progress.

Well you have me pineapple - yes my family aren't that close either sadly. I always wanted a close family, but nope, we all live all over the UK.
I've had my boys for 3 weeks straight with no help from the ex. I've worked all last week, 7 days, without a day off and now this week too. It's exhausting. I guess that's why my NC was someone I got obsessed with, it was like a breath of fresh air having an adult to spend time with and something more exciting in my mundane life. Sob.

Thanks @pineappleeyes and @meowimacat I didn’t call, I went to the gym instead. I am rubbish on my own, we made the perfect blended family and his lack of confidence in himself got in the way! I know how you feel about being obsessed, he was my everything! Tomorrow is another day, we can do this!!

Meow...I think our situations are pretty similar. My life is work & my dc so NC was my bit of excitement, something for me to enjoy. I looked forward to hearing from him. The buzz I got from seeing or hearing from him was addictive...I think because my life is pretty mundane. My ex has little involvement with dc too, once a month for 2 consecutive nights is the norm so it can be pretty relentless.

NC also wanted fwb but I wanted more so it looks like we have a bit in common!

I am so thankful for this thread.

Hey all, you're welcome for the quote. I saw it the other day when I really wanted to message him.
It just stuck and made me realise that I shouldn't bother chasing him. Upset me at the same time though.

:( I'm sad that your guys have struggled today!! But also really pleased that even though you've felt that like, you've managed to keep a clear head and focus in something else.

You're right about this thread. Even I've found it easier - I joined this thread late... but honestly you've all helped me. And I feel like I've got bits and bobs out and the reaction and response is good!

Congrats oh possible job - that'll be good! Hope it all goes ok!

A good cry is needed sometimes!!

I've been kept busy this evening, last home hour at work was mad, then I had swimming and now I've just sorted my friends little boy for bed. As he's staying with me tonight ( getting a h the practice ) and then I'm taking him to school! So minds been occupied up until now.

I'm sorry for writing and essay, I found it better to waffle on.

I cried a few times at work over him today :( I'll explain tomorrow though

Have chilled evening guys

Much love to you all

Sleep well all. I’ve got a sick child screaming away tonight just to add to the rest of my amazing evening.

I did however watch this video and whilst it’s about a breakup I think we can relate it to going NC (even if you didn’t do the breakup) and think about the main reason why you are doing it.

For me it’s that I deserve full commitment and to be treated better. It’s really helped this evening when I’m sad and questioning everything. This pain is normal.

Watch the video and let me know what your main reason for NC is.

Can I join please you are all so inspirational and I could really do with support and to offer support. Day 16 for me...I even skipped UK to go to Asia to a retreat to heal it all been so bad. Was doing good but today just overwhelmed with emotions. Trying to be my own best friend but so far from home feel isolated atm. Today finally deleted all forms of communication and blocked so it seems very real but nessecary. I here for 2 months so hoping to heal. Have to pick up stuff in Summer from his place so that been on my mind. He only wanted friendship but I am training to be a high value woman to not take scraps...I seven hours ahead here but hope you all have a peaceful day 😙

Great video meow. I could do with him in my life 24/7 at the moment! The bit about outside noise is interesting, so part of me is pleased not many people in RL know what I'm going through as they probably wouldn't be helpful.

Main reason for me was I deserve better than fwb. I have massive periods of doubt where I think perhaps I should have agreed to fwb & then it could have grown into more & he'd have grown to want more commitment with me. But the risk was too big to take. I asked myself what if I'm his fwb & one day he says oh I've met someone and I want her to be my girlf so I no longer need you to be my fwb. If that had happened i would have been well & truly devastated.
Keeping in touch with him was pointless so going NC was damage limitation.

I'm beginning to see him for what he is...a bit screwed up, selfish and a user. No more rose tinted glasses.

Pops it good you're keeping busy. He'll still be in your thoughts but it will fade.