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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

NC (No Contact) thread #11: learning all the way

999 replies

Belonger · 02/04/2018 12:42

A thread for anyone going/maintaining/struggling with/succeeding in going NC with someone for whatever reason. No judgement, just lots of support. All different situations welcome.

Many of us have found www.baggagereclaim.co.uk useful, worth a look for helpful articles and podcasts

OP posts:
Thread gallery
34
Iwouldmarrythebeast · 26/04/2018 07:12

Feel rubbish this morning. I want him to contact me so much

Tictactic · 26/04/2018 08:33

@iwouldmarry. What's your situation? What happened? It is so hard in the early stages. I haven't contacted mine as the lack of a message back or the rejection would have set me back..

Thudercatsrule · 26/04/2018 08:37

Can I join? I tried to end it last night in person, but couldn’t. I sent one last message this morning at 6am and I’m determined not to message again even tho he said he’d email me later.

How do I stop myself from keep checking FB messenger to see if he’s been active! He’s gone away with the boys on golf tour so I know he’ll hardly even think of me let alone message me, how do I stop looking at his FB page? Social media makes things so hard 😔

LiteraryDevil · 26/04/2018 09:01

Thunder delete and block of course!

Iwouldmarrythebeast · 26/04/2018 09:07

Thuder can you delete the app on your phone if you’re not ready to block just yet? That should cut down on your time spent on there and maybe use LinkedIn for your social media fix. That’s what I’ve done and it’s probably better for your career? And you can’t stalk on LinkedIn which also helps

LiteraryDevil · 26/04/2018 09:19

Deleting Facebook and messenger for awhile are good ways too until you are stronger.

LiteraryDevil · 26/04/2018 09:20

However if you haven't actually ended things properly and are just ghosting him then I don't think that's fair as he won't get it. Once you've finished things then you can NC but I think to NC out of the blue is really not on.

meowimacat · 26/04/2018 09:52

Sounds like she has finished things with the one final message but Thundercatsrule if you are fully done with him remove him from your social media!!! Like completely remove and block! If you sent the message and now he’s gone away with the boys and you’re hoping he’ll come back to you then he may see it as game playing and you trying to ruin his time away (I don’t know the situation.)

Today I feel better, I haven’t read the message back from my idiot. He probably wants to know why he’s hurt me. I woke at 4am this morning and started thinking about all the hurtful things he’s done to me and how clueless he will most likely be even though some of them are so obvious! In 5 months he stayed the night at mine just twice and both times got up in the middle of the night and left saying he couldn’t sleep - more like he panicked that staying over was too much commitment. I’ve never seen someone so emotionally unavailable.

Lovely to hear from those of you who are don’t so well with NC. Gives me hope that I’ll be there one day. I do feel I’m done which is a relief as before in the back of my mind I’ve hoped he’ll change. I miss who he pretended to be, that’s the real sad part.

LiteraryDevil · 26/04/2018 10:08

Meow what a pathetic wanker he is!
I agree totally with what you've said to thunder. Men like this tend to take very little to turn things around and blame you, make you out to be psycho and ruining their time away, game playing etc. I know some go NC in the hope of being missed and appreciated and wanted but I wouldn't want a guy who I felt compelled to play games with or took NC to realise he wanted to be with me. I'm better than that. It took me a long time to realise that though so completely understand the wanting to do it.

meowimacat · 26/04/2018 11:12

Oh yes I've distanced myself from this guy before and not contacted him for a week, in the hope he'd miss me. Which he did. Still not enough to commit to me fully and have me as his girlfriend, but he missed me, and stupidly I went back and he treated me even worse than before.

My biggest lesson is that with NC you really have to be DONE. Like totally done. Not in the hope of them coming back to you. I mean there is a slim chance they will see the error of their ways, but it's unlikely it'd last.

You shouldn't expect someone to change for you, and relationships aren't easy, but they shouldn't hurt because we feel disrespected enough to go NC.

My idiot wasn't all bad as a person, I actually don't hate him at all believe it or not. Even though he has done things to me that are hurtful, I'm over it or will get over it. I guess none of us hate them, there might be some hatred towards things they've done, but we still like them. That why it makes it hard. Because there are likeable qualities they posses..maybe a lot of likeable things about them.
However, treating women correctly is NOT one of them.

For me now I have blocked, I know for my own pride I would never go back. To block someone is to be done with them. I think for any of you who are resisting the urge to block it's because you don't want it to be done. I totally get that, has taken me a while to get to where I am now. I'm very sad about it, and that I've gone to this extreme. But it was so toxic that I actually feel relief too.

LiteraryDevil · 26/04/2018 11:28

Meow perfectly put. You do indeed have to be done.

TopDraw74 · 26/04/2018 12:19

I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT GUYS.

Its taken a while for it to sink in, but I am not contacting her. In reality over the past couple of months she has treated me like absolute turd, this was the straw that broke the camels back from my end. But I think it was over weeks ago.

I did wrong, but I deserve better.

TopDraw74 · 26/04/2018 12:19

Also Craig Kenneth is absolutely fantastic, his videos have helped me an insane amount.

Thudercatsrule · 26/04/2018 12:47

I’ve deleted the apps off my phone, but I just can’t bring myself to block him yet.

I love him, but it’s just toxic for us both, the stress of me having to have constant contact of making me ill, it’s affecting my health 😞

TopDraw74 · 26/04/2018 13:36

@thundercatsrule

If you feel it'll always be toxic then don't do it anymore. Not blocking him means you've still got those avenues for communication.

I'm learning, the videos are helping me a hell of a lot. My ex literally doesn't believe I can't not contact her, but i'm going to do it and prove her wrong. As long as she hasn't blocked me, as long as our pictures together are still live on social media for all to see. Then that shows me she's still open but literally just needs space and time.

In your situation it may take months if its that toxic.

Iwouldmarrythebeast · 26/04/2018 13:37

Can someone tell if you’ve blocked them on a iPhone?

LiteraryDevil · 26/04/2018 13:43

Yes. A call with go straight to voicemail without ringing but you'll not be told if any message and none will record. Any messages get sent as texts not iMessages but don't get delivered. They will only know though if they know already that that's what happens iyswim

meowimacat · 26/04/2018 14:36

Apparently iPhone have changed it now so iMessages still send even if blocked so it won’t be a text message but an iMessage. Also if they call you it will ring once and go to voicemail (although I turned that off too lol) I did research lim a loser before I blocked him. If he’s on Whatsapp and you block him there (think you have to separately block on there) if he messages you it’ll get one tick and never two.

meowimacat · 26/04/2018 14:38

By that I mean you won’t receive the messages but they will show on the senders as being sent as imessages still - it’s to not be so obvious that you’ve blocked someone.

LiteraryDevil · 26/04/2018 14:43

Do you care if they know you've blocked them?

Popsjjx · 26/04/2018 19:00

You all seem to do so well, and I wish I had the strength like some of you guys. I read through the chat, and I'm like wow you guys are smashing it.

I really hope I can be as strong.....

Does anyone else just have a day though, where it's too much? And you just want to cry and vent?

I really wanted to message ALL DAY.

:/ I feel like I'm losing the battle.

Being pregnant and not being able to talk to the father is really hard. I don't know how I've managed these last 10 days.

I've managed since November to not see this person, but I find not speaking the hardest

I feel like you guys are the only ones that can really relate... but I feel like I'm waffling on

pineappleeyes · 26/04/2018 19:19

The last 2 days have been hard for me since I checked his WA and saw his pic. I pray he'll message me. I am close to texting him but have so far put myself off.

I'm.thinking of OLD just as a distraction. What sites do people recommend?

Thudercatsrule · 26/04/2018 19:44

All I wanna do is message him and ask why hasn’t messaged me?! 😳

It’s so hard isn’t it. I can’t imgaine a time when it will ever be easy 😭

Fluffyflump · 26/04/2018 20:05

Hello, can I join.... am on day 1....feeling positive but know I won’t always feel like this!

Popsjjx · 26/04/2018 20:49

*Thundercatsrule
*
I get you completely!! But honestly it'll take you 10 steps back and make you feel shit!! Everyday gets a bit easier. But some days it's too much, but when that days done.... you'll wonder why you got so stressed

We're all here in the same boat!!

Can only spur each other on to keep doing well

You got this

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