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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

NC (No Contact) thread #11: learning all the way

999 replies

Belonger · 02/04/2018 12:42

A thread for anyone going/maintaining/struggling with/succeeding in going NC with someone for whatever reason. No judgement, just lots of support. All different situations welcome.

Many of us have found www.baggagereclaim.co.uk useful, worth a look for helpful articles and podcasts

OP posts:
Thread gallery
34
TopDraw74 · 25/04/2018 14:49

@topdraw

Yes I apologised so much because there's no excuse for it. And she has got into contact, she contacted me yesterday around this time, with a question about something about a couple months ago though. I answered, ended it with "everything okay?" then left it, she hasn't replied to that though.

penny1ane · 25/04/2018 14:54

Topdraw, I wouldn't over think it and excessively worry about it.
Yes you did wrong but it is something that is forgivable.
You have shown her your weekness so now you need to show her you are changing that by giving her the space she wants and not pestering her.

TopDraw74 · 25/04/2018 14:57

Thank you @penny1ane

I know I'll learn from it. I will give her that space and respect it.

LiteraryDevil · 25/04/2018 17:08

TopDraw did you get to the bottom of things by going on her social media and find out where she was? Did she turn up for the planned thing? I'm not sure if giving her too much space is the right thing but depends on the situation.

meowimacat · 25/04/2018 17:09

Yesterday I spent the whole day writing a final closure goodbye essay to send to 'my guy' telling him how badly he'd treated me. I must have spent hours writing it (like an idiot), but I guess in a way it was therapy for me. I went to send it and then instead, decided it was pointless. What would listing all the things he had done wrong to me do? Make him better for the next girl? Make him feel bad about his actions?
I then spent 5 minutes telling him why I am no longer wanting him in my life. Just said he treated me badly, and that I want to move on with my life without him in it and that we can't be friends because that's not fair on me, as I'm the one with feelings. Sent that. Had no response, and don't actually want one. I've removed all notifications and deleted my messenger app so I won't see if he sends me a message. I never check my FB messages anyway, but I decided not to block him on there I'll just leave it. I'm sure he'll want answers, but it is pointless, I am done. :(

Yes @TopDraw74* have responded on your thread, but PLEASE give her space.

LiteraryDevil I do agree with you about not just ghosting, however my situation is different as the guy I was seeing after 5 months told me we were nothing, so it's not like we were in a relationship.

Tictactic Yes I watch the Matthew Hussey videos too - about feeding the addiction. They do help.

penny1ane · 25/04/2018 17:46

Topdraw, check out Craig Kenneth on Youtube.
You may find a video that will help with your anxiety.
I'm pretty sure you'll also find what action you should be taking while in your situation.
He has over 400 videos so there will be something there for you

Popsjjx · 25/04/2018 18:33

LitetaryDevil it was me

I want to be able to just be at that place already!!
I know it all takes time, but I feel like dropping it all and texting and being like why haven't you spoken to me for three weeks?

But then my week of feeling better will be ruined.

You're right, is about realising what you're worth...it's just sometimes I find myself doubting, and I feel like I have to chase him to feel better?

LiteraryDevil · 25/04/2018 20:15

Pops chase something else instead. Distraction is best when you feel that urge to contact them. Go for a walk, call a friend, do some chores, stick some upbeat music on and dance or sing, go for a drive, buy yourself something nice online, go on online dating and have a laugh/get scared at the options out there Confused Whatever works for you. Or do the list, read again the list, think of all the crap stuff and work up a good mad.

pineappleeyes · 25/04/2018 20:37

The urge to contact is overwhelming today/tonight.
I feel an overwhelming sadness today. It exhausting. I do distraction until I'm drained & physically ache.
I'm on weel 5 or 6 I think...I've lost track. I want to text but then I don't as I'm afraid of the response or lack of response.

LiteraryDevil · 25/04/2018 20:39

Pineapple stay strong! You've done amazing to get that far Star

TopDraw74 · 25/04/2018 20:44

@LiteraryDevil

No I didn’t, in fact her Mum called me while I was on the social media and literally said it’s fine she’s at home. So I was like oh cool and went off it. Did not invade any of her conversations, but obviously she doesn’t know that she’s going to think I went on it for malicious reasons.

She messages people in front of me, friends and work wise, I have absolutely no issue with who she talks to. This was purely out of worry and anxiousness, I can’t tell her that though because it’ll put her off. I need to man up.

@penny1ane that’s so helpful thank you so much! I will definitely have a look.

Finished day one of proper no contact pretty much, she hasn’t messaged at all today and per usual I am not initiating any contact. Onwards and upwards for tomorrow!

LiteraryDevil · 25/04/2018 20:59

All sounds very odd to me. Why on earth would her mum contact you and not her and why would her social media tell you where she was? Bizarre.

How is everyone else tonight? I was thinking today how it's 8.5 weeks since I last saw him and that apart from the odd wobble I don't miss him very much at all. I'm still very glad I sent that message and hope it gives him pause. He's no longer my problem anyway and that is such a relief. I'm glad I didn't waste any time trying to make things work once I'd established how unhappy I was. It was the right thing to end it and I have no regrets. I had fun until I realised it wasn't enough for me and that he was abusive. I'm fine with everything now. Summer is coming and I don't need a man to make my life complete because it IS complete.

meowimacat · 25/04/2018 21:02

Argh I can see I have a notification of a message on Facebook and I know it's from him. I refuse to look though. I changed my settings so I wasn't supposed to see notifications of new messages. Argh.

I feel sick because I dread to think what he's put - partly because I don't want to be weak if it's an apologetic 'I'm sorry I hurt you' but also because he might be angry/mean. Who knows. I refuse to look. When I'm in a better place, I'll read it. That could be in a month or 5. lol.

pineapple stay strong - think of it as he will ignore you...so don't message.

meowimacat · 25/04/2018 21:06

LiteraryDevil sounds like I finished things in a similar way to you, realised I wasn't happy and cut it off. However I'm nearly 2 weeks into not seeing him. Usually I feel the urge to see him but I'm feeling stronger this time. I'm sure I'll have weak moments, but I hope I feel like you do at 8.5 weeks! Arghhh

LiteraryDevil · 25/04/2018 21:20

Meow I've had some big wobbles and have chatted to him a bit but we both new it was over so no chance of getting back together on my side. It was just hard to go from contacting someone several times a day to not chatting to them. We only ever really chatted on messenger though Hmm Saw him every other weekend for the whole weekend and he usually came over in the week too. So my weekends are quieter now but I really enjoy it just being me and LO now on those weekends. For me I found that every time I chatted to him he wound me up with his negativity and denial of his role in anything in his life. I became more and more glad I was no longer with him as I could clearly see how much he'd dragged me down with his negativity and abusive ways. I feel free now. And happy. You'll get there too.

Popsjjx · 25/04/2018 21:32

I haven't seen mine since end of November
So 5 months.... but he spoke to me via text and calls...... it's mad that that bothers me more then actually seeing him. I should be well over this

Dimael · 25/04/2018 21:49

At first I felt so lonely because you go from talking morning to night with someone for a long time to suddenly nothing. I am used to the not talking now. I have had a few days of ill health turns out I might be epileptic and this has been hard on me emotionally. I want to cave and call him, I know he would come to me but I would be back to square one.

LiteraryDevil · 25/04/2018 21:52

Dimael take care of yourself and stay strong, you've done so well so far. Even in the space of a week you'd changed and were stronger than when you first joined Thanks

Tictactic · 25/04/2018 22:01

@Dimeal.. I do hope you're ok. You're so strong and have given me such strength. I've been out with a male friend, he likes me but I don't see him 'that' way. It makes me feel I want to contact my NC Sad I know I really shouldn't though.
@Literary you're doing really well. 8 plus weeks! You're list though is one in a million Shock
It's hard. I want to contact him, tell him how much I like him and so want to fall for him. He's gone though.

Dimael · 25/04/2018 22:11

@literarydevil thank you! And yes much much stronger in many ways. I think I pushed myself in the distraction stages with running/studying and illnesses come out now that I am feeling more on an even keel. Now my mind is at rest I can rest my body.

LiteraryDevil · 25/04/2018 22:16

Tictactic just take it one hour at a time if need be and try to ride it out. It is so much easier if you haven't got their contact details. Sometimes in life in general, I wish we were 25 years ago in terms of communication technology so there would only be telephone or letter. Or telegram I guess! No social media photos or likes etc. But then we do have the power to block and delete. I'm going to change my username to that! Grin i think life gradually takes over and they fade further into our memory banks as time goes by.

Itsjustmarley · 25/04/2018 22:19

Just dropping by. I've been on the earlier NC threads. Today is week 4 and I can honestly say THINGS GET BETTER. In the beginning I was constantly checking his SM and seeing what girls were liking and commenting on his pics and then going on their profiles, and i was always seeing when he was on WhatsApp and when he was online I'd literally just sit and watch him online hoping it'd change to 'typing' haha I do actually laugh now thinking I did that. But I've broken free of that now and I feel weight has been lifted, there's still a little bit there but when I think of him I just think "meh... What an idiot for losing me" So here's what I did:
1.made a list of all the crap things he did...and I thought, do I want someone like this? Do I deserve this? You often keep yourself stuck in the 'good times' I've found.
2.Read a book called 'its called a break up because it's broken'. This was good as the authors have been through this & also have really cringey stories others have done after a breakup which make you laugh.

  1. Believed I deserved the best so started self loving myself more.. I actually had to Google how to self love.
4.Took up a new hobby and got really engrossed in it.
  1. Worked on myself and gave myself a little make over.
  2. Meditated and did yoga.....ALOT, this helps as it helps you clear and control the mind better.
  3. Drank more water Grin
Dimael · 25/04/2018 22:43

@tictactic I am still fighting off the two men who were quick off the mark when finding out I was single. It’s not a good time- if I welcome in a new man now when I am not settled I will only welcome in trouble. You have given me a lot of strength too!

@literarydevil social media is a blessing and a curse!

@itsjustmarley I am with you on the checking if they were online part. That was definitely week 1 and so glad I have stopped waiting now. I checked what photos he liked on Instagram as well! Oops! Now I can live my life with him there and it doesn’t bother me anymore.

Tictactic · 26/04/2018 04:15

@Dimeal. I'm wary of men who do that knowing we're in quite a vulnerable place. I enjoy the company of this friend but would never go there..he's not my type and don't fancy him. Perhaps I'm old and cynical Blush
@Literary thanks. I deleted his number and was never friends with him on social media anyway. I do think it was simpler when we were young. No mobiles etc. You would wait for a phone call and wouldn't know it was them until you answered! I remember writing letters! Didn't have email even Shock
I didn't contact him and won't. It's difficult with no closure although it was a very short 'fling' if you like anyway.. it just felt intense!
I'm truly going to work on myself more now. My first counselling session was cancelled so now rearranged. I think I need to talk in general and find myself.
Relationship splits seem to push me over the edge when I can barely function.. I'm not sure if this is 'right' or if there is something wrong with me!

Popsjjx · 26/04/2018 06:53

Justmarley
I do exactly all of that too, it takes a lot to jot check up on someone constantly!! Well done!! I can't wait to get to four weeks.

I had to block on insta coz he hardly had followers and he followed certaajn girls, that followed him back... so I knew something was up. I had to stop looking.

I did the same with what's app as well.... I'd sit online waiting and waiting for nothing to ever happen x