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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

NC (No Contact) thread #11: learning all the way

999 replies

Belonger · 02/04/2018 12:42

A thread for anyone going/maintaining/struggling with/succeeding in going NC with someone for whatever reason. No judgement, just lots of support. All different situations welcome.

Many of us have found www.baggagereclaim.co.uk useful, worth a look for helpful articles and podcasts

OP posts:
Thread gallery
34
Tictactic · 24/04/2018 10:27

Good morning all Flowers
@Dimeal. I'm much better too thank you. I have things to focus on so putting my all in that. I'm trying to not think about it. Considering it was only 8 weeks I was seeing him it had quite some impact. It hit me as hard initially as splitting with exh after 14 years! But recovery will be quicker.
@Meo I'm really not sure it was good to have the experience. I would rather not have gone through what I have for a short term gain. I feel too deeply I Think? I guess at least I know I tried it out in some ways rather than wonder.
@iwould the ranges of emotions are huge and seem to change rapidly in the early days. It's tough to navigate. Anger is good I think.. sometimes then followed by sadness again.
Keep strong ladies. We can do this Flowers

TopDraw74 · 24/04/2018 12:49

Going through the first stages of NC as we speak. My girlfriend of 5 months asked for space, I went onto one of her social media accounts to see where she was as her phone died which was a huge mistake. She said she doesn't want to be with me at the moment, we aren't together and that she needs space.

Its ridiculously hard to go with no contact. Hopefully she comes back and wants to work things out, this is our first ever proper argument lol.

LiteraryDevil · 24/04/2018 13:10

Top draw, I don't understand what you mean about going on her social media because her phone died?

TopDraw74 · 24/04/2018 13:13

We basically had set up a plan for the early morning and when I tried to ring it was off, so I went into panic and worry mode and stupidly went onto her social media to check where she was.

LiteraryDevil · 24/04/2018 13:14

Still none the wiser. Do you mean you logged into her account?

penny1ane · 24/04/2018 13:36

Topdraw, from one guy to another.....

you keep telling yourself that, I doubt she'll believe it, but stick with it and you never know :-)

It sounds very dodgy and my guess is you went on for other reasons.
You sound like an anxious person.

While she has the space from you try to work on your anxiety. It will ruin the relationship otherwise.

LeChatDeNuit · 24/04/2018 15:51

I’ve been wondering what to do with the stuff my ex wanted me to drop off but that I backed out of doing because I was too anxious/annoyed.

I decided to post his suit and enclosed a cheque for £5 for the other (petty) thing he wanted. I folded the suit up and wrapped it nicely in tissue paper. I added a short note saying ‘sorry, couldn’t face seeing you’.

Whatever I do it will be wrong and make him angry, but perhaps there will be some part of him that appreciates the effort I made wrapping and sending it Hmm

He’s blocked so unless he sends me an email I’ll never know.

I’ve seen him drive past my house a few times in the past week. He has no reason to take this route so I can only think it’s to have a nosey. We passed each other in crawling traffic right outside my building the other day. It was awful.

LiteraryDevil · 24/04/2018 16:09

I'd have charity shopped it 😂

OutofSyncGirl · 24/04/2018 16:54

Because my NC tends to show up at my house I told him I'm a short message that I'm busy.

He really screws with my head. It's very upsetting

meowimacat · 24/04/2018 18:35

So who gave closure before going NC. Did you send a final message?

I know every situations different. I've been really strong all week at not sending anything, but when he sent me a message on my FB on Sunday (he was never my friend on there so I didn't even think to block him), it's now making me wonder if I should tell him why I'm NC.

Basically one day we were talking fine, the next day I blocked him on everything, and he's wondering why.

I guess there is no point really is there, he would never change for me. Sadly I miss him, so having these up and down moments.

meowimacat · 24/04/2018 18:37

TopDrawer74 You went on her account or went on her SM to contact her? I agree you should work on your anxiety.

LeChatDeNuit Oh my goodness the slow traffic encounter must have been SO awkward. I don't know if I'll ever see my NC again. He knows where I live, but I doubt he'd make the effort to drop by, seeing as he couldn't even make the effort to be with me.You were very kind to post the suit back x

LiteraryDevil · 24/04/2018 18:52

I think they need to know why you've dumped them. It's not good to ghost them. And if you're just going NC without any explanation and without dumping them first then that's just immature game playing imo.

LeChatDeNuit · 24/04/2018 19:02

More awkward for him I think seeing as I actually live on the road we passed on and he was clearly snooping.

Tictactic · 24/04/2018 22:01

Feeling low tonight. Remembering him. The first time I met him I 'knew' I felt such a connection like I'd known him all of my life. I've let him go and not chased. But how do you move past that? I worry it will never happen again

LiteraryDevil · 24/04/2018 22:15

Tictactic I have loved many men and felt connections, some more strongly than others. Think of them like flames that burn very bright and very fast and then fizzle to nothing. Did you ever watch Ally McBeal? There's s scene in there where they discuss that who said the best loves are the ones that last forever? Some are intense and bright and short lived. Others are less so but last longer. After every man I've lived I've felt like I would never find anyone so great again. I was wrong because I did, several times. Some loves have taken up permanent residence in corners of my heart. Others have left only shadowy memories. Love is s very complex thing but I am pretty sure that one day you'll look back and wonder how you could ever think you'd never get over him or move on emotionally from him. Some you never get over. It's like being bereaved and you just learn to deal and get on with life. But there'll be love again. Maybe a good love, maybe a great love, or maybe the greatest love of your life.

Iwouldmarrythebeast · 24/04/2018 22:54

Wise words “literary” I am still so angry this evening. Potentially could see him through work tomorrow (albeit fleetingly) so any advice welcome. It will be day 8 and no contact from no contact himself. May take a knife in (joke!)

LiteraryDevil · 24/04/2018 23:08

Pretend he's not there. Grey rock block. Avoid if you can.

Tictactic · 25/04/2018 06:56

Good morning all.
@Literary. Wow those are powerful words. I cant remember that scene in Ally McBeal.
I really feel I fell in love VERY quickly. Although how could it be love when I hardly knew him? It did feel very real and I think it did for him, for a short time anyway. I miss him and I miss the feeling Sad
One of the videos from Matthew Hussey on YouTube talked about not 'feeding' the addiction. I haven't and I am moving forward now. Last contact 3 weeks today.
The last message I sent was a rant. A bit dissapointed I didn't leave it on better terms or more dignified however I have left him alone.
@iwouldmarry you're very early days. Hope you don't see him today. Be prepared it may set you back. Try to not be alone at work today!

Popsjjx · 25/04/2018 08:02

How do you guys manage? With NC
I'm in my second week, and I'm struggling I woke up wanting to message him on fb, insta and WhatsApp. - deleted on everything 😬

LiteraryDevil · 25/04/2018 14:06

How's it going today everyone? It's pouring down here and cold and I want to hide under my duvet and watch comfort viewing. Nothing to do with NC though.

To whoever asked, I think you cope by starting to realise your own worth and that you deserve better than they were giving. I think she and experience comes into it a lot for me but a year ago I'd have been moping over him. I've changed a lot in the past year or so and don't put up with anyone's shit now. The process started when I was 37/8 and I cut myself off from family who'd done nothing but make my life miserable for the past 20+ years. There comes a time when all the drama and shit becomes too much to deal with and you just say enough. Best thing I ever did.

TopDraw74 · 25/04/2018 14:11

@meowimacat I logged onto her actual account.

The more I think about it its so bad. I wish I never did it. I'm really beating myself up about it, it was so dumb!!

I'm not sure what to do now. I keep telling myself don't contact her until she initiates and I'm sticking to that. But its difficult when you're the sort of person that wants a definitive answer soon. I feel like its up in the air.

LiteraryDevil · 25/04/2018 14:20

TopDraw that's pretty unforgivable to snoop and invade her privacy like that. No wonder she's pissed off. I'd apologise profusely and have a chat about communication and expectations.

TopDraw74 · 25/04/2018 14:27

@topdraw

I know, we seriously do need to have a chat, but like everyone's said I think its just better if she comes to me first.

LiteraryDevil · 25/04/2018 14:43

TopDraw did you apologise at the time? If not then I'd be very surprised if she gets in touch at all. Stalky behaviour never goes down well and you've only been together a short time.

pineappleeyes · 25/04/2018 14:46

Hard dat for me today. I deleted his number but I know it to put it in my phone, checked his WA picture & it's one of him looking really good. So I'm assuming he's OLD.
Torturing myself
I'm close to rextimh today. But not sure what I'm hoping to achieve