NC (No Contact) thread #11: learning all the way

[Belonger]

A thread for anyone going/maintaining/struggling with/succeeding in going NC with someone for whatever reason. No judgement, just lots of support. All different situations welcome.

Many of us have found www.baggagereclaim.co.uk useful, worth a look for helpful articles and podcasts

In other news I've walked 7.5 miles today and did 7.3 yesterday and have stuck to my healthier eating plan. I'm already sick of salad! However due to a Tesco delivery mishap (forgot I'd booked one) I now have 4 bags of the stuff as I'd been to the local shops and bought some too. So jacket spuds and salad for dinner it is. And salad for lunch. Bloody salad. I'm considering giving up chocolate and bread for the two months until my birthday in order to lose 10lbs and to ease my IBS. It will be my gift to myself to look gorgeous for when I hit 42. Might even get a slightly different hair cut.

Has anyone seen the thread on deciding to stay single for the rest of your life? Some interesting comments on there and I must say that I prefer being single. Sure I love all the butterflies and companionship and the sex but there's so much anxiety that goes with it that I'm just not sure it's worth it. I'd love to have the fairytale happy ever after but just don't believe in it at all. I think most men are fundamentally flawed to be unfaithful and abusive as that is my experience from my own life and those that I either see or read about. My faith in men has gone completely. I don't even have good male role models. Except my grandad maybe but he's been dead for 15 years. Even my ex-fwb who I considered my best friend for years is a sexist pig who treated me dreadfully and as such we are no longer friends. He's my NDN which makes life interesting Anyone out there still believe in true love??

@Literary. Well done on the exercise and healthy eating! I started the healthy eating but not exercise as yet.
I totally understand what you mean about the anxiety of dating and being in a relationship. I'm fed up of relationships ending and the hurt that goes with it. I do however still believe in true love!! Almost like it's meant to happen for us to find that special person.
When I met my recent NC I really did think I'd found 'him'.. I've never felt the way I did before. It all just felt right the connection etc. I felt amazing, I felt butterflies. It was all there. He told me he did too. I was falling in 'real love' or so I thought. Now I feel an idiot. I have to wonder. Was that a taster?

I think we will all go through spells over the next few months even until we are well and truly rid of our NCs. Anything that reminds us of them and it’s not going to be easy. But I believe we are all strong women in our own ways.

Check you @literarydevil aiming to be the hottest ex out there!! Salad is not my favourite, maybe you are allowed a dressing to make it a bit more appealing?

@tictactic your positivity is inspiring - I’m still youngish and have time to meet someone I know all that just got to get through these feelings.

Good morning all.
Another day NC done. 2 weeks for me now since I sent last text.
@Dimeal. Yes you're right. I think it's going to take me a good few months to get 'back' does that make sense? I think pmt not helping on the depression front this week.
I had a feeling you're younger! You have everything going for you. Yes you'll get past this phase in your life. I wish I had the confidence to make changes I'm not sure I'm in the best place for new job or if I can cope being a single parent with little support. Id love to though!

@tictactic pmt is a pain!!! Makes everything twice as bad! Honestly think there should be a cure for that by now!! Well done on 2 weeks! I am considering counselling or a life coach to try and work out what I want and try to avoid repeating the past/getting drawn in my bad influences.
Sometimes reliable is good and you have a job that works around your life and is long term so it’s good! I’m not sure I have the nerve to leave my job either, it’s difficult.

@Dimeal. Doesn't it just. I've just been crying in my car driving. Tears rolling down my face. Guess it's coming out of me too. Really makes me wonder if it is worth the risk in future!!

The sunshine is somehow making it worse. It just reminds me off all the lovely days under the sun with my ex, and all the plans we made to move to the south of France.

I think I had a revelation this morning. He has such hatred for me and I don’t understand why. He is friendly with most of his exes but was vile about the one before me who, in fairness, I witnessed be utterly horrible to him (we were friends before we got together so I knew him while he was in that relationship). She was married and constantly fed him promises she never intended to keep. I witnessed his complete breakdown after she finally ended it with him. She was known as ‘the bitch’.

He never got any closure as such and I think he projected much of his hurt and hatred for her onto me. Because I was there to do that to and she wasn’t. I don’t think he was over her when we got together. He’s still traumatised by that relationship and I know she kept coming up again and again in the therapy he had over the years.

Of course I feel like messaging him with words to this effect but I won’t. It makes me feel slightly better about his anger and hatred towards me that I don’t feel I deserve and the abusive nature of our relationship.

Now he’s repeating the pattern. I’m the bitch, his life is in tatters and he’s saving to go to Australia which is exactly what he did and where he went after their relationship ended. Christ almighty.

@tictactic are you feeling any better now?

Actually, following on a bit from my revelation, he claims he was the one to end it with all his exes except for the married woman. And me. Could explain a lot. He can’t cope with the rejection and loss of control so resorts to abuse in an attempt to regain it.

I’m in the middle of a psychiatry module. Who would have thought

Hi everyone! just checking in.

Just realised I'm Day 10 today and not arsed.

Evening all. Day 31 and I feel fine. I've removed myself as online from Messenger so I can't see when he is online and it's more of a relief. Honestly NC is the way to go. I hope he never contacts me again

Awesome NK!

I'm delighted Literary. I'm glad to see you're feeling good too

LeChat how very boring and predictable he is when it comes to women. You are well rid there. I'm sorry you're not enjoying the sunshine. It reminds me of all the good times I had with my NC too but I've got new things booked and planned and am looking forward to them. I don't need him to have a good time.

@tictactic how are you feeling now? The tears stage will pass I am finding it happens less and less as time goes by. One day I will wake up and I won’t cry for him anymore.

@lachatnuit his ex probably was a saint! He will have done to her what he has to you. History repeats itself.

@NK congrats!! The magical one month achieved! 🏆

@literarydevil well done to you as well! You seem so strong!

Today I started clearing a room in the house. I admit I let things slide since the breakup and I am trying to tackle it. Anyone else get swamped with paper or is it just me. Anyway pile of shredding, pile of recycling and a pile of filing sorted. That’s for tomorrow! Then maybe I tackle the stuff I hid under my bed! 😂 I think feeling down you don’t feel the motivation to do these things. But hopefully seeing my house back to rights will make my environment better.

He wants something of his back so I’m dropping it outside his door tomorrow in exchange for something of mine. Except he can’t find the thing of mine and needs to check it before giving it back so basically, I’m delivering something to him tomorrow and I’m still not getting my thing back I think I will tell him to forget about it for the sake of my sanity.

One of the things he wants back is his suit. WIBU to take a knife to the crotch?

I get swamped with paper too. Once or twice a year I shove it all in a box marked ‘shredding’. I don’t even have a shredder.

Hello nk. Well done. How are you doing otherwise? How are things at home? I hope all ok x

LeChat what does he have of yours? do you want it need it? I'd charity shop or sell his stuff. Or just dump it outside his door when you know he won't be there. After taking some scissors to it

@LeChat and @Dimeal. I'm better tonight thank you. I was busy at work and kept me distracted.
How does everyone deal with the changing emotions? I'm.finding it difficult at times but it really is like I have no control over them. Does anyone else find this?
@LeChat. I love your insight. Makes perfect sense to me.
@NK. Well done. You've done it!!
@Literary. It really does sound like your really progressing swiftly through this process.
@Dimeal. Motivation hard after a breakup. I'm getting a glimpse of mine back. I've done NO training for 3 weeks. Easter weekend I didn't hardly move from my bed. I hid away through the shock, confusion and pain. I've now made a small start at decorating. I think an organised environment helps you feel more in control and visual progress helps too.

Don't think I mentioned on here a few weeks ago my doc sent me to a&e. I thought I was having a stroke. Numb down one side.. confusion. Tests came back fine and it went. I don't take medication. I wonder if heartache can bring on such physical symptoms

How frightening tic. Could it have been a TIA? I had one of those and had the same symptoms you described. I’m not sure it shows up in test results. The cause of mine just happened to be obvious because it was linked to surgery I’d had a few weeks before.

@LeChat. What is TIA? I'm still getting tingling and numbness. I also get very confused and forgetful. Not sure if that's linked to depression

@tictactic glad you are doing better this evening. Work does help a lot keeping the mind occupied. It’s what us thinkers need! How terrifying- you know it could be stress related. My friend had a really stressful job and aged 36 she had what the doctors described as a mimic of a heart attack. Tests showed nothing long term or serious but told her it was a warning. Yes I believe heartache can bring on physical symptoms. The lack of sleep, not eating right, crying can’t be good for our bodies. Take it easy!!!