NC (No Contact) thread #11: learning all the way

[Belonger]

A thread for anyone going/maintaining/struggling with/succeeding in going NC with someone for whatever reason. No judgement, just lots of support. All different situations welcome.

Many of us have found www.baggagereclaim.co.uk useful, worth a look for helpful articles and podcasts

Good morning all. How is everyone this morning?
DS back to school today, back to work and normal routine. Healthy eating and exercise starts again. I'm hoping it helps. Think the worst is over and counselling starts next week.
@Dimeal have you heard about your results? Are you feeling better this morning?

Morning!
Tictactic we are back to normal routine here too today along with healthier eating. The school run alone equals 25 miles a week that I walk and there's some big long hills on the way so pushing my LO in the buggy up and down those is good exercise. By the time I've walked to the shops a few times and taken o for an afternoon walk to get them to sleep I've clocked up 40 miles. I'd be thinner if I didn't eat so much chocolate!

I've got a thread under a different name on at the moment relating to my ex and it's really helpful in the processing of where I went wrong and where I didn't have enough boundaries. Ive done it a few times now and found it very cathartic and that I feel much happier knowing I was right to end it. Talking about the scenarios puts me in a better position for the future if I meet someone else. I highly recommend it!

Hope everyone has a good Monday and is feeling positive

Good morning!! Sunshine is out and back to work routine also thank goodness for that!

@Tictactic I passed!!! 😁 And it served to remind me of how and my ex was! Before the exam he caused an argument and gave me silent treatment for the 2 days leading up to my exam. He only came around when I got back from it in tears because I had computer issues in the middle of it and thought I failed. Didn’t break and contact him! Feel better!

Congratulations Dimael!

Can I join? I've been following you ladies for a while and you're all so strong! xox

I've been trying to do NC for a while but it's just so hard because I'm stuck in the same house as STBEXH and his parents (living with them for the time being, ugh!) is it even possible to do NC under the same roof? I want my dignity back...I'm tired of feeling so desperate and begging him to notice me again...

@Literary. Walking really helps clear your mind. I've put on half a stone since NC. Want to get that off again and feel better about myself. I haven't seen your other thread but glad it's helping. I need to learn from my mistakes. I think 'speaking out loud' at counselling will help.
@Dimeal. Excellent news! Well done for not caving last night. Let's hope back to work and routine helps. At least to move time on and be distracted.
@dollybird. Welcome. I think we are helping each other. I really needed this thread in the earlier days. I don't think NC possible under the same roof! But you can minimise contact. Sorry you find yourself in this situation. When will the circumstances change? Can you get extra support until then?

Been away for a little while. Honestly I’m struggling I miss him so much. I’m not sure why it’s hit me now. I went on a coffee date ( disaster to be fair he was lovely) but ultimately he’s not the one I want/love. Had another lovely man ask me out but it’s not fair to date someone at this point as all do is compare to NC which is totally unfair. One step forward two steps back at this point. I feel so sad for what might have been/ could’ve been. I’m an idiot!!!

Oli the what could have been is the worst but I think and we need to grieve for that loss of future. It's really hard but making plans for yourself helps. Have you a summer holiday booked or any plans for the summer? If not, I'd highly recommend making some.

@literarydevil @tictactic thank you so much! I’m so happy! Work routine plus running has helped until my best friend messaged me to tell me she is with my ex now! Like why do I need to know that! So annoyed with her.

@dollybird welcome to the thread. Honestly feel free to rant and let out your emotions with us. It helps a lot!

@Olikingcharles best to leave the dating scene for a while. I have someone interested in dating me but I am literally running away from him. When I feel vulnerable and upset it’s not fair to bring someone else into it!

Hey @Olikingcharles nice to see you x

Good morning all how is everyone this morning?
Back to work kept me distracted but I don't like my job so felt low. 13 days NC. It's the lack of closure and fact I won't see him again. Think depression trying to take a good. My world is feeling small.
@Dimeal. What kind of best friend goes out with your ex so soon? Awful. I hope you are ok. You're sounding really positive

Hey Ladies
Dimeal yes you are so right about leaving the dating for a while. I thought it might be nice distraction help me move forward but it's not fair to involve someone else at this stage. I realize i'm not ready yet.
Literary it's the end of summer where i am so no holiday yet. I have planned to go to the city for few days though to see my children (both grown now). So i'm on my own. I also have just moved to a new area (new house bought) so plenty to do to get that sorted. New job as well. I'm fine in the week when work keeps me busy, the weekends are a struggle though. I've started swimming and going for walks to fill in some time on the weekends. It helps a little. Been NC for 60 plus days the first time until NC contacted me from a number i didn't know and i stupidly answered it....so back to the start again and i was doing pretty good until then. It's just proven to me that i need to stay NC. Hugs to you all.xx

Hugs to all

My NC has a hospital appointment in a couple of weeks so I'm going to see how that went and then abandon contact all together. I'm only asking because I'm nosey and to know if I diagnosed him correctly with sleep apnoea!

Oh and I sold the stuff he left here on eBay

@Tictactic time to find a new job perhaps? Might give you a new lease of life, no point in holding on to things that are dragging us down. My friend met with my NC because of her partner being his friend and she told me he had hurt himself. She keeps stirring things up and I keep going round in circles - can you NC a friend as well? 😂

@Literarydevil go you! You seem to be moving on now with your life and seen so positive!

@olikingcharles keep strong! You made it 60 days before and you can do it again. Throw yourself into the house and making the perfect home!! I can’t go on holiday either as my friend is siding with the NC and so If I go on holiday it is by myself! 😭

God the fun police are out in force today on AIBUI've tried to have a bit of fun but asking something in all seriousness and I've been reported ffs.

I’ve been watching this thread for a while.

Was NC with my ex for a month but then had to contact him regarding some house stuff. He came over and behaved like an absolute arse despite me being sympathetic towards him about his state of mind / living arrangements (both of which are MY fault, obviously).

I’d made some changes in the flat and he was furious with me. He went on and on at me about money I owe him so I left him £1k in cash that I had from selling some furniture and he all but threw it back at me, refusing to take it. WTF? Don’t berate me for money then refuse to accept it - he wants to hang the debt over my head forever, doesn’t he?

He shouted at me up until the point he left, showing not even a hint of remorse for the way he treated to me (abuse beginning to become physical) and still blaming me for the everything.

It’s been about a week since that contact. He reminded me he’s still got something important of mine but failed to bring it and wants to come back for something trivial.

I haven’t heard from him but I’m upset that he can’t, he won’t say he’s sorry or show even the slightest interest in how I’ve been. I just want him to acknowledge what he did instead of HATING me for reasons I don’t understand.

He doesn’t live far and I’m getting very panicky about the thought of bumping into him or seeing him with another woman. I broke up with him out of necessity rather than falling out of love. I still love him so there’s always a shred of hope in my mind he will change his ways and come back to me, though I know that’s bloody stupid.

When I saw him he offered up a big drama about something he’d been doing in London (very unusual) but then refused to elaborate and insisted we stop talking about it He was trying to hook me in, wasn’t he? A test to see how I feel about him and it worked.

I know it’s irrational but I’m getting into full-blown panics about him being with other women. But as my friends keep telling me, I should have sympathy for any woman he inevitably inflicts his bastardness onto.

Evening all.
Today I've had a break of routine and finished work early for an appointment. I feel so much better. I've been in my job for 12 years only because it fits around ds.. it's not a career and I feel invisible. It doesn't help my held esteem.
I'm beginning to just feel like an idiot now for being taken in by NC when he clearly wasn't ready. He's back on online dating. I actually feel I've been to hell.. does that resonate with anyone? I was beginning to crack.. majorly.
@Dimeal. Yes you can go NC with a friend. You really don't need 'friends' like that but I guess you know that already.
@Literary. Lol 're selling stuff on eBay. I take it he didn't want it back?
@Oli sometimes you have to try to realise you're not ready. So it has proved useful if only to realise that.
@Lechat. I think your ex just wants a go at you. He sounds in a state. It's hard to imagine they meet someone else. I seem to have let go...I've been so low I just want to get better for me now. How long was your relationship?
Another day forward another day NC

5 years, and the hell resonates. cheers

Tictactic he's made no attempt to come and get it or even say he wants it. In fact he only messages me if I message first yet says he wants to be friends It's only a pair of shorts that I bought him but I feel they weren't so much of a wasted gift now and the few pounds I got for them will go towards something nice for me. There's also an air bed of his that he brought because it was killing my back to sleep on the floor as the sofa was too cramped. And he moaned about the sofa (the very few times he slept on it) so he brought the airbed over on my advice. I've yet to decide if it's better to keep it as might come in handy or just sell it. (His snoring was so bad I could hear it two floor away whilst wearing ear plugs). I chucked his socks and cleaned the plug holes with his toothbrush. The razors and shaving foam will be handy for my legs. Deodorant and shower gel-air freshener and emergencies? I was listening to music on my phone today on the way to school as LO was asleep and one of his favourite songs came on. It's by a band he introduced me to and I had myself a little moment but was ok.

Hugs and wine to all tonight.

Chat there's a book or web page or something called why does he do that which is apparently very good and recommended by lots of women on MN.

@tictactic don’t blame yourself for what happened. Words and actions at the beginning are enough to get most of us falling head over heels. I honestly wish I hadn’t got involved because this heartache wouldn’t happen. It has and I don’t think I will ever meet anyone else or want to because I don’t think I will trust or believe a word of it. Right now my life is in tatters losing him, clearly having lost a friend and friendship group and I don’t really have much else to live for anymore. I am starting from the bottom but I am clinging to my old life and I want to cut the threads and be free but I guess I am not ready just yet. If you can make changes even small ones to make you happier then go for it. Someone once told me to change the way you go to work and that can help. Who knows?!

@lechat I would not meet him alone if I was you. Get a friend or relative to sit with you when he comes by.

@literarydevil i didn’t get the chance to do that but it sounds liberating to sell his things haha!! Better than burning them and now you have the spends to go with it!!!

Dimael I'm stunned at how shitty your so called friends are. Time for new ones!

Flip sake eveyone, we're really going through the wringer.

I think these things are sent to try us. If we believe in our own truth then the rest can fall away.

We're struggling, pushing water up a hill and it feels as though we won't ever reach our peak. But, reach it we will. In solidarity, and in bloody kindness.

It starts with us.

Should say, am day 38 NC. Maybe I'm feeling the 'me' love x

@LeChat. 5 years a long time. You will get through this you know. We all will. The hell is awful but it does get better (hate saying that but it does..cliche) I've got the book Literary mentioned bought it when going through divorce. Can you organise counselling?
@Literary. 'Our song' came on the radio today and I turned off. I don't feel anything. Just numb. My reactions aren't as extreme as in the earlier days. I feel you can do much better than your NC.
@Dimeal. Thank you. I'm harsh on myself. Although we might not know what we've learnt from it as yet, it will become clearer as time goes on. It's difficult when you lose your support network. I walked away from a best friend before. You're starting a fresh. You passed your exam!! You're free to do whatever, you don't have DC with him. You will meet someone better! We aren't ready to trust anyone yet but there are good ones out there who are more compatible with us (I Hope!) It's just time....