NC (No Contact) thread #11: learning all the way

[Belonger]

A thread for anyone going/maintaining/struggling with/succeeding in going NC with someone for whatever reason. No judgement, just lots of support. All different situations welcome.

Many of us have found www.baggagereclaim.co.uk useful, worth a look for helpful articles and podcasts

Well done Dimeal. How long were you with him? Is he bad for you?
Definitely unfollow on fb.

Thanks Dimeal. I'm definitely too harsh on myself. I've taken a real knock. Like I'm not good enough for him.
I wrote the post last night after wine. I'm drinking too much. I've started decorating as a distraction.

@Tictactic my life felt like a rollercoaster with him. What mood would he come home in. Sometimes he would be so perfect I would be blissfully happy. then the next day he would leave for work I wouldn’t hear from him all day and then he would come home in a mood and start an argument of which I would have to apologise. I never understood how he could change so much that’s why I called a stop to it after 2 years. With him it’s like an addiction to each other I can’t describe it. From the second we met I felt something instantly I thought it meant I had found the one. But i’m sure it shouldn’t have been so emotionally exhausting.

Wine is a killer. You think a drink will help relax you but instead you are emotional! Going to try and pass my chartered accountants exams at long last, study books are out! That’s my distraction now!

@Dimael. You can't live like that. So when did he move out? I know what you mean about addiction. I'm not sure that's healthy although I'm just not sure anymore what is the norm. I felt the same about 'the one' thankfully it didn't go on as long as it has for you.
You're fit by the sounds of it and clearly intelligent! We can do this. I really need to work on myself. I was in such a good place the beginning of the year and he has set me back. I feel so stupid for being taken in and I also didn't react very well to his text breaking it off. Feel a bit arghh. Made a fool of myself

@Tictactic 3 weeks ago tomorrow and we are no contact minus the social media likes 14 days today. This whole year for me has been difficult. I just noticed It was one thing after the other and I was always stressed or upset. And yes it hasn’t changed completely yet I am hoping to get myself to the best version of myself again soon also.
I know last night set be back massively - maybe alcohol isn’t the cure after all and will have to disengage with social media for a while.

@Dimael I can relate to that description.

@Dimeal. Yes we must all get back to that place of being confident in ourselves and the best versions of ourselves again.. that is attractive.
Can you select on FB so he doesn't see your posts and unfollow him?
Last I saw my NC was 3 weeks ago.
Just so happens someone who I had a date with in January is back in touch today. I wouldn't go there but it has cheered me up

@Tictactic I wish last night didn’t happen. I finally got a response from his friend for why he was asking and he said just asking. What is that supposed to mean!

Yes I have found where you can hide posts and edit privacy so everything I post from now on he can’t see and I have to actively search him to see what he is up to!

It’s a confidence boost even if you aren’t interested! I have a male friend wanting to go out but I really can’t see myself with him. Such a nice man but kind of negative in his outlook and I don’t think that is healthy for me right now in this state.

@Dimeal. Ignore this friend of his. Could he be actually making a pass at you? Waste of time. Perhaps he's just being nosey. Try not to overthink it. Hard I know.
Well done 're FB. In time you may feel ready to unfriend. Do you have children?
Yes a confidence boost! This guy just wants sex. I don't. I'm looking for a relationship. But he's been very complimentary and it was nice to flirt a bit and not want him! Sometimes going out in male company helps. You just have to be careful.
Something seems to have 'clicked' and I'm feeling a lot better. In fact now I don't think it's so much about NC but me! I have some counselling organised

Evening all! What a beautiful sunny and warm day it's been here. Always makes me feel so much better about life. We've had an outside day at the park and in the garden planting seeds and buying new plants. I love the promise of this time of year.

My NC has been away in the caravan this week with his kids. He said when he was going but I didn't even ask where as really don't give a shit. In fact I've got no interest at all. He's got a hospital appointment this month about something important that affected our time together so I'll message to ask how that goes but only because I'm nosy! Other than that I've just no interest at all. Really weird because the past year has been spent planning trips awAy and days out together and yes I miss that but I wonder why I don't feel too bothered. I very much think that I lost respect for him and lost the intensity of feelings in the process. Of course I realised my own self worth too and that I deserved so much better than he was giving.

@Tictactic I don’t think he is making a pass he is dating my supposed best friend. So I doubt that. But yes maybe curiosity but then why not ask his friend over me when they were all together last night for another friend’s birthday! Weird!
I am so pleased you are doing better and counselling will help put it all behind you. I’m afraid I am a thinker and so it will take me time on this one. I don’t have a child with this ex so I really can walk away luckily.

@literarydevil disinterest is good I think they say that is the last stage of grief. 1st denial then anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I think I move between bargaining and depression as the anger as definitely ended now. The weather has been lovely and does help lift the mood. Better than this rain/snow we have had lately!

Good morning all
@Dimeal. I think he was putting the feelers out on behalf of your NC if they were all together. I'm a thinker too.. an overthinker and very reflective. It takes me ages to get over someone but recent NC was very short. I need to remind myself I didn't really know him and that I was also lovebombed and fell for it. Takes longer to get over someone you lived with. Thankfully as you say no children involved so you can make a clean break and start your life over.
@literary you really sound like you're moving on. I think we need to remind ourselves how well we are doing. Weather definitely helps and keeping busy with kids benefits all.
What do people have planned for today?

Morning all! Bit of a grey and dull one today but planning on going to the plant nursery with my mum to buy some more plants. Back to school tomorrow and I'm thinking of creating a household schedule to help me keep on top of things and get the children earning pocket money. The healthier eating also starts tomorrow!
How's everyone doing today?

@Tictatic I don’t think length of relationship has much impact. Yes a 15 year relationship should be worse than the end of a 1 year but it’s those feelings, the traumas and events that happened that determines the aftermath. Also how things were left, like if you don’t get an explanation or if someone disappears on you then it hurts more than if there was an argument or clear reason. Don’t judge yourself harshly. Deal with it in your own time, there is now law on it.

I was planning on studying all day but my dad has told me to go shopping with him. I’m waiting on exam results tomorrow morning and my stomach is in knots. How about yourself?

@Literarydevil Routine and order is very good! I bought myself a diary to get sorted but yet to make use of it maybe you will be my inspiration.

A sunny walk around the river this morning and picnic. I have family nearby but I don't spend time with them. Parents both have new partners and not interested much in us. It can be lonely.
@Dimeal. Yes in some ways it was easier getting over exh after 13 years. Even though my NC only a few months it's the hope I've lost. I really enjoyed spending time with him. But I got involved whilst he was separated (living separately) from wife. He's not ready but he lovebombed me. I can now see he is back on online dating . So perhaps his feelings towards me changed.. but I'm harsh on myself and feel it's because I'm not good enough. Thanks, yes I'm taking my time. I feel ok. Not the extreme anxiety or depression now. It's just mild and feel a bit.... now what? I have some runs coming up I've entered but haven't trained for. I'm hoping I can get motivation back.
Good luck with your exams results.. I have my fingers crossed for you

@Tictactic the poor woman he ends up meeting next. It’s no good dating if you are not emotionally available! It’s like me trying to date - I know I wouldn’t be 100% into it and it isn’t fair. Today I have found it tough I think the whole exam result pressure is making me emotional. Why do I love him? Whenever I think of him my heart feels full. Really this is getting pathetic now. I have 4 hours to wait for these results and I want to speak to him so much right now. I feel like I could break tonight.

@Dimeal. Ironically he is training to be a counsellor. retiring early from a high profile job. He's very emotionally aware and was initially with me. Makes me wonder if he's going back to ex or keeping options open, as they do. I'm certainly not ready to date and wouldn't want to as am not my best self at the moment.
It's not pathetic, you've lived with this man. You have to remember his moodiness. We will still 'love' them in a way. Extra stress brings about emotions and you naturally feel to turn to him.
You won't break! Keep posting!

@Tictactic a counsellor! Noooowayyyy!! I suppose good at telling others how to handle problems but not good with his own? Like us all in a way!

You get used to relying on someone when you are vulnerable and now I don’t have him to turn to. It’s difficult. I have to learn to live for myself again. Why is this so difficult? I am sure everyone is sick of me by now. I honestly think I am better when I am at work and occupied all day. I have this full feeling in my heart when I think of him and I am not expressing my feelings and i’m usually the kind of person who says how they feel always. The longer I don’t tell him how I feel the more this is building inside of me. I know logically he can’t make me happy and it’s not fair to go saying things to him when I can’t take him back. What a mess I have got myself into.

Take note.

Was trying to make things right with NC. Found out he'd lied about where he was today so clearly 'friends' is not an option

Yes!! I'm so annoyed with him. He knows he hurt me. He acknowledges it and apologised multiple times. He thought He was ready but he 'was wrong' cheers for leading me and helping me to fall for you to then pull the rug from under me.
It is difficult because it's not 'the norm' . Work definitely helps yes. Sounds like youre internalising your feelings. You need to outlet them to someone else. Or on here! There is definitely a 'depression' stage... eventually we get to acceptance. As we know, it's sadly not linear.

@Tictactic thanks for letting me get this off my chest tonight. I’m hoping it’s exam results panic and only that. Often with my friends and family they will just cut me off and not let me explain my feelings so I learn to shut myself away and hold my emotions in. Then I have a breakdown like tonight. Maybe all the distraction techniques were good to a point but the emotions have to come out some how in order to move on. I know I will be so ashamed of myself if I call him.

@gingergenius some people never change do they? Hope you are ok?

@Dimeal. Yes I sympathise there. Hard going when you're a thinker as am I.. to some extent a perfectionist? Distraction is still good.. but yes you keep bust and 'strong' then it catches up. You break down.. then you keep busy and strong again. It's all part of the processing I think. You don't need to be ashamed if you did contact him. We've all done it.. but ultimately you know it won't change anything and you have to go proper no contact at some point.
Ginger. Would you be a friend with someone who lies? You deserve better

@Dimael sad but resigned.

@Tictactic I think you have me in one with perfectionist!! Yes distraction has been my coping mechanism but it’s not always possible and there comes a time when you crash. Feeling better than a few hours ago thank you!