NC (No Contact) thread #11: learning all the way

[Belonger]

A thread for anyone going/maintaining/struggling with/succeeding in going NC with someone for whatever reason. No judgement, just lots of support. All different situations welcome.

Many of us have found www.baggagereclaim.co.uk useful, worth a look for helpful articles and podcasts

Thanks Dimael and user. A night of weird dreams last night and feeling upset over a few things. Feel much better this morning.

Saw this on my Facebook memories today. My friend from school sent me this when my husband left.

Morning all.
Glad you're feeling better this morning Literary. Wow an awful lot of negatives to focus on with your ex there. Urgh.
2.5 weeks since I saw him and 1 week ago today was last text message.
I'm feeling much stronger. The whole experience knocked me for six.
I have counselling starting in a few weeks so that should help. I'm truly concentrating on myself and my ds. Meeting a friend to day in a city I had a date with him.
Am feeling much stronger. It makes me question if I should bother with dating and relationships. I simply can't go through this over and over.
Keep strong everyone

Actually it wasn't this one my mate sent me but something similar about realising your own worth and having the strength to have a fresh start.

Glad you're feeling better Tictac. I'm not sure about dating either. I read that affair thread a while ago and it just confirmed to me that so many people just don't have the same morals as I do and I'm not sure I'd ever trust anyone again. My stbexh had an affair although I didn't know until after he'd left and I'd applied for a divorce. My friend hasn't been faithful to her partner, and so many others just don't remain faithful and that bothers me.

Hard though Tictac isn't it?

I meant Literary

Literary I know. It scares me too. I'm old fashioned at heart and want A life partner. The dating world seems to have changed, especially with OLD. There is more opportunity. I'm hoping counselling will help. There must be men who feel the same. I think my NC did but he wasn't ready

Hi all, think it is 12 days since I last contacted NC but no reply anyway. I am confident that I won't try and find that magic message and contact him.

The affair thread scared me a bit too. A lot about dating now does. Affairs, ghosting, not being held to any manners or else you are needy. But then I think of the alternative. Being alone, never letting anyone in.

user sorry you think you are being stalked

Tictactic My NC day went very well. Then he messaged me once, then an hour later again and an hour later again. I ignored all 3!!

I’m so proud of myself

He is coming to collect the children later so I need to put on my big girl pants and not crumble and try to avoid chit chat.

I hope everyone else is having a good day.

Good for you Angel. Bit by bit, day by day.

sosog00d I can relate the what you’re saying. I feel like I’m just keeping my head above water. I’ve been referred for counselling on the NHS so hopefully that will start soon. My H refused to even try marriage counselling together.

I never thought I would be a single parent having to claim benefits to top up my wages.

I just feel so weak and wondering what the point of anything is. It’s only the kids keeping me going at the moment.

@Sosog00d take one step at a time don’t overwhelm yourself. For example focus on finding a new job, tick it off the list and start saving. Move on to the next.
I can’t really talk because my life feels all over the shop too. But definitely take it one step at a time!

One month no contact for me and was doing very well. Didn’t even cross my mind. Bad day today, suddenly feel very sad and miss him. He’s not blocked any more so I could easily send a message but trying so hard to stop myself. I don’t want to be with him so don’t even know why I’m thinking about him

Moneyissue2 It’s because you’ve had a bad day. Try and distract yourself by doing something or post on here about what’s been so bad.

Thank you angel, having support really is very encouraging. My day wasn’t so bad in itself, only really because he’s been on my mind a lot. 12th April is a bit of a date for us, and I’m feeling a bit upset as it approaches I think. I was thinking of writing a list of all the bad things to refer back to when I feel like this, but sometimes I remember the good times and it really doesn’t help!

I have started a list and it does help.

It was my wedding anniversary on the 9th and I had a total wobble that day. I think all the firsts of everything is going to hit us.

Oh I’m sorry, wedding anniversary is bound to make you feel something, isn’t it? Our date was the day we decided either way if we were going to marry or not. We had a year to try to improve things and make it work. That never happened though, things went from bad to worse.

I’m going to write my “bad things” list, as right now I’m only thinking how beautiful the day was this time last year!!

Does anyone else find it worst at night. I can’t sleep without him here. 11 nights with little sleep. It’s starting to show in my appearance now. I really never imagined my future without him. But then I was starting to feel stupid putting up with the things he did. Does anyone have any good tips to help me sleep through this.

Dimael is it because you feel less secure alone at night? I felt like that for s long time after my stbexh left and felt happier when my neighbour was home at night (he works nights). However I soon got used to it and certainly enjoyed having the bed to myself, no farting or snoring or morning breath.
With my latest ex, he snores like a freight train on steroids as had sleep apnoea so I used to prefer when he wasn't there at night anyway as I ended up sleeping downstairs and still had to use earplugs.
Maybe leave a light on and cuddle a pillow? That's what I found helped at the beginning but I genuinely prefer sleeping alone now.

My ex was always so peaceful at night and I felt so safe with his big arms around me. Now I just feel cold and alone. I have tried holding a pillow but it’s not getting easier. I think I have quite an active mind late at night and when everyone is gone and i’m alone I am free to think and overthink some more. I have started thinking about all the good things again that I miss, i’m not upset or angry at the bad anymore.

I’m sorry you feel that way dimael, I felt like that too recently, only thinking of the good rather than the bad. I was a dick and spontaneously contacted mine this afternoon while I really could’ve avoided it, I was at work with a lot on and should’ve easily occupied my mind with something else but like a Wally I sent a msg, breaking a months NC. Even though he was the abuser, emotionally, financially and physically, he did not reply to me, thank god.

Not sure about the not sleeping thing as I don’t get that thankfully. I can understand it though especially as you are associating sleeping with him so positively. I can only advise that this pain is only natural and you probably just have to ride it out, time will heal, as corny as that sounds.