NC (No Contact) thread #11: learning all the way

[Belonger]

A thread for anyone going/maintaining/struggling with/succeeding in going NC with someone for whatever reason. No judgement, just lots of support. All different situations welcome.

Many of us have found www.baggagereclaim.co.uk useful, worth a look for helpful articles and podcasts

Hi guys! Just settling down after an amazing trip away with my LO. So glad I went even though it was supposed to be our anniversary trip. I did messenger my ex a bit but my overall feeling is that I'm so glad he's not in my life any more. He's so negative and boring and my life is non the poorer for not having him in it. In fact it's all the richer because I'm not being brought down by his depressive, negative personality. I'm free and that's priceless.

Just catching up on the thread....

Hi Everyone,

My husband has just left me. We were together for 11 years and married for 7 years (tomorrow is our wedding anniversary).

He has been gone for 3 weeks now but the contact is killing me. I want him back but he is adamant he doesn’t see a future.

I need to cut free and stop the urge to message him but we have 2 children together. How can I go NC with them involved?

I feel so lost and I can’t handle my emotions. I’m feeling sadness, anger, resentment, calmness and grief. It comes in waves and I can’t handle it. I’m struggling to hold it together for the kids.

Please help

The first days are the worst. Sit down and write yourself a list of everything that you dislike about him and every time you want to cry you read that list! That’s what I have done and it has helped me massively.
You can’t go completely no contact but only have contact over the children - straight to the point and nothing more in between. Even get a best friend or relative to make arrangements for a few weeks if that helps.
Set yourself a challenge - I have entered a half marathon - I am slightly unhinged after the break up perhaps but I am feeling excited about something for the first time in ages.
Treat yourself to something nice - next week I am getting my hair and nails done.
You need time to get your head around this. Be gentle! I am sending virtual hugs your way!

Celebrating 28 days no contact with a glass of vino and NO social media contact!
Yay!!

angel these times are tough. No getting away from that. Just trust yourself and don't be afraid.
Grey rock works. Contact strictly about the kids. Be polite. Don't react. Instead, respond. Give you time to consider your reply. Remember the kids. Try and separate your upset. Almost impossible, I know, but I have been there and can truly promise it does get easier.

My NC is with an.unsuitable man who has broken my heart, a bit. But, fuck it, I'm living and learning, and all the better for it.

@sosog00d yayyyyyy congratulations!!!! Had a glass of wine to celebrate 7 days! Ignored his attempts at liking my Facebook and Instagram posts as well today! Winning!

Angelsnowflakes I’m not sure NC is what you need right now. Check out “the 180” on mumsnet instead. It’s not about not talking to them but how you deal with them. It’s hard, but I’ve been where you are and wish I’d done this!

Good luck, it’s so hard but you will survive I promise.

Angel it's tough. Go easy on yourself. I am doing NC at all with my ex except to discuss the children. In the early days I got obsessed with what (and who) he was doing, would talk to him all the time and begged him back several times . After reading a few articles on baggage reclaim I realised I really needed to do NC to move on.
PM me if you want.

Good morning all..
Literary you are sounding much stronger and seems your trip away has done you good. My few nights away did me good too, opened up my world a little so to speak. In the earlier days I was tunnel vision and could think of nothing else.
My attachment to him is fading. It was a short 'relationship' so to speak but I fell for him. I haven't yet made the list of negatives.
Angel. Tough where kids are involved. I've been there too but 9 years on and having amicable relationship with exh. Can you organise some counselling?

Welcome Angel. To gets easier in time, be nice to yourself and give yourself time to start healing before worrying too much about details. You can't do NC when you have children unless you use a third party (I don't recommend this) but go grey rock and only discuss the children when necessary. Do t respond to anything that's not about them and keep things via email so you have a record. My stbexh has to ring with his number withheld and leave a message because I've had to block his number. I've changed email addresses to as he kept being abusive via email. We have a court order for contact though so he has no need to contact me about anything unless an emergency.

Thanks for all the advice.

It’s killing me but for my own sanity I need to try and distance myself.

@user1493423934 That’s exactly what I’m doing. Then it just makes me feel like crap for doing it.

I suffer with anxiety and right now it’s through the roof.

Hi ladies. Day 22 here. Starting to feel stronger and am on the countdown to Day 31 when I can walk away and move on

Hit a brick wall! Photo of my best friend hanging out with my ex on Facebook! Going to run like forest gump with tears. Wish I could delete him but don’t worry want to lose my friend as well.

Dimeal how would deleting your ex mean losing your friend too? Surely any friend wouldn't be splashing photos of him in Facebook for you to see?

I have an unread message on my phone from my ex from a half hearted conversation we were having yesterday. His response came in on messenger and I just deleted the app (I don't actually use it to chat to anyone else) Couldn't be arsed to even read it. Every time I venture back into chatting with him I feel more and more relieved that I'm no longer with him. The negativity and denial about his part in anything in his life drives me crazy as I'm frustrated he'll never learn from his mistakes. He just tends to think oh well, no regrets, I did nothing wrong, move on. He's like this is every area of his life. Then wonders why he's suffering from anxiety and depression. Hmm because you never deal with anything?? And then those closest to him are the ones that suffer. What a twat.

Ive had a lovely day with my children today as the eldest two were back from their dad's last night. Rocky morning as it always is when they first come back but then we had a lovely long walk in the countryside followed by tidying the garden and the garage. Good team effort all round and we can now get bikes out without fighting with old vacuum cleaners and pushchairs and god knows what.

How was everyone's Monday? Big hugs to those just starting this journey

My friends boyfriend is friends with my ex. Her boyfriend is rather petty and is not happy with me right now and is preventing her from seeing me at the moment. I have lost everything from this break up but could not stick it out for everyone else he hurt me one too many times. After running 14km I feel a lot better. Now my ex is liking my post on my running app again. Still not going to break and contact him!

dimael just unfollow them all until you feel stronger. I'd block him on your running app though. That's just weird.

@literarydevil thank you for listening! I feel like I have nobody at the moment so I appreciate it! Yes it is very odd behaviour. He hasn’t even been running himself to be going on the app!
You sound to have had a lovely walk this morning with your children. Exercise really helps and being around young people as well!

Good morning all. How is everyone this morning?
I'm day 6 NC. Things are sinking in now. I'll never see him again. The extreme anxiety seems to be settling and I'm just low now, left with unanswered questions. I don't know how such a short relationship has had such a big effect. I've deleted his number from my phone although admit I've written it down. I'm not contacting again. I just want to feel better.
Literary/Dimael you're both sounding very strong

Morning all.
@Tictactic I’m feeling positive today.
I’m back in work now after the Easter break (I work in education) and I’m hoping that it will give me a healthy distraction.

My best friend came round last night so I had a good cry and she gave it to me straight. It’s just what I needed but it’s still so hard.

Today is going to be my 1st day NC unless there is an emergency with the children. I will not beg him, ask about his day or even text about the kids if it’s not needed. Wish me luck.

This grief is nothing like I’ve known before.

Evening all. The thread is quiet.. I hope that means everyone is doing ok.
I'm feeling much better tonight.. offloaded to a few people at work and it's helped.
How are you Angel? I think work does help. How has your NC day been?
Harder where kids involved.. try to minimise contact and only talk about kids..

Yes I agree. The grief is horrendous. I've been few it a few times now in different relationships..

I feel really sad tonight and very alone. I don't have many RL friends that I see to go out with and only one that I text most days.
Feel sad thinking back to last summer and the holidays we had together and the holidays we had planned for this year. He's not cancelled the one that was for our birthdays in June. Says it's paid for so no point. I said he should go anyway as I would. I know he'd only make me stressed and miserable but there's the good stuff to grieve still. I really thought that at the grand old age of 42 I'd finally found someone who treated me right, adored me and was interested in doing the same things as me. Of course these things caused me to ignore the uneasiness in my gut over his ex-wife, the way he spoke about my LO, the way he questioned my finances, was rude about my family, said I was fat when he's clinically obese, insisted on bedroom things that I didn't like but put up with as he needed them (nothing weird, I just didn't like them), the sleeping on the living room floor with ear plugs (me) because his snoring was so bad, the sulking, the crap communication, the lack of dates unless I organised them, the horrible brown shoes, the cheap suits that rustled and felt horrible, the noisy eating, slurping his tea, not shaving, his gross toe nails, bitten fingernails, crunchy socks, oh god I could go on and on and it's making me feel so much better! 😂 it's not often I feel sad about him as I generally know how much better it is without him but chatting on here has helped.
I'm still thinking I'm better off on my own for the foreseeable future. I'm just not sure relationships are worth the ball ache that always seems to go with them. I'm on online dating but no one is messaging me and there's no one who interests me anyway. I'm pretty exact in what I don't want so maybe I scare them off but I see no point in pretending otherwise at this stage in life.

Where is everyone else up to?

Hey @literaryangel don’t feel sad!! I’m here for you! Talking on here helps so much, my friends and family just irritate me at the moment. I have gone from despair and thinking I am losing my mind to ok and back again.
That list made me laugh out loud! Why do we put up with these things? Listen to the song Not Fair by Lily Allen - this reminds me of my ex! He was very disappointing in the bedroom, I was so forgiving to his performance issues. Why oh why didn’t I walk sooner?
I am not online dating but have interest of 2 men I know through work/running who I have zero interest in. Trying to be careful to not fall into something I am not ready for or don’t want. Need to hold my own for a while and not end up with another loser!!!

Hi Dimael Tictactic Literary. Just checking in (suspect ex stalking me on here so can't say much sigh).
Holidays/memories are hard i know. Angel Good luck - come on here if you feel the need to contact ex.

Anyone know if we can set up a private thread?