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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

think I may have been right

957 replies

isheisnthe · 10/05/2007 06:59

DP has been very cool with me for about a month after a disaterious weekend away with the family, where he was very nasty and selfish. When we came home he moved in to the spare room and has been there since on and off.

Last week he announced that he wanted to split up - I was shocked. Our relationship (like most peoples) goes in peaks and troughs and I wasn't expecting it. I have begged and pleaded to make this work, esp for the sake of our sons and the fact the majority of the time we do rub along together but he is not interested. I am so shocked, as we are his "second" family after he was left by his first wife and children and he made it clear he had been gutted not living with his children (he still sees them all the time).

now, I know Ishouldn't have but I checked his phone, I found an entry undera mans name (I have NEVER heard him mention this person) hidden in his archive file in the phone. Then I checked his messae counter and it appears he and this"trevor" have been texting each other V regularly, esp late at night. Being as he is constantly walking round with his mobile attached to him I think I may already know the answer o the question I guess I am asking.

I have written the number down - do I ring it? how do Ifind out this persons name (if a woman answers?!)

Sorry if you got this far

OP posts:
CarGirl · 16/01/2008 11:19

well that's his problem not yours and he should have thought about that before he started putting it about elsewhere! How long until you move, a week or less?

Original poster
isheisnthe · 16/01/2008 13:27

i'm just worried thar if I go through the CSA and then EW does I will end p with less?

OP posts:
CarGirl · 16/01/2008 13:28

I don't know keep checking to see if the calculator is working. You could always phone the CSA and talk to them how it would work?

Original poster
isheisnthe · 16/01/2008 14:20

I will try and give them a call - Thank CG

OP posts:
Original poster
isheisnthe · 29/01/2008 11:57

For anyone that is interested I have moved - finally. We are loving our brand spanking new house - the boys are over the moon with their new bedrooms and we dont seem to be giving the old house a backward glance!

Its lovely being in the home I own, no stresses and no arsehole ex walking in and out when he fancies and delivering washing!!

He came over to pick the boys up for a few hours on sunday and I could tell he was sick as a pig that I had done so well, the house really is lovely. think he might have a touch of the green eyed monster!

Thank you too all the mumsnetters who took the time to post or read this thread, the advice I got on here and the support I received really was invaluable.

thanks again everyone, and anyone going through this take some courage from this thread, if it does anything it certainly proves that things do and will get better.

me and the boys are so happy and settled!

OP posts:
Freckle · 29/01/2008 11:59

That's great. They say the greatest revenge is to live well .

Original poster
isheisnthe · 29/01/2008 12:04

and thats just what i intend to do!

OP posts:
CoffeeCrazedMama · 30/01/2008 09:53

Ishe - I am so pleased for you. I have followed your story and from the opening post really felt for you and hoped and prayed you would come out of this with the winning hand! Well done - your courage and dignity, and your great love for your dss through all of this has been wonderful to behold.

Original poster
isheisnthe · 31/01/2008 10:55

Thanks CCM - hes a shocker - the first week he is due to pick up from school and nursery on friday he "cant make it" what a shocker

OP posts:
CoffeeCrazedMama · 31/01/2008 11:09

Ishe - I assume you're not surprised!

Dropdeadfred · 31/01/2008 11:16

Well done Ishe...any luck finding out from the csa how much you are entitled to?

The man is an arse...loved your line about having a baed his fat sweaty arse has not been in..

Original poster
isheisnthe · 31/01/2008 11:20

No luck with the CSA yet, and to be honest his money went in my account today so as long as he doesnt take the Pee anymore I wont persue it.

Not surprised at all to be honest that he has bailed out of picking them up this week - thought he might go the other way to prove me wrong but no, he always reverts to type!

Have booked me and the boys in to centre parks for a week during the half term, they are so excited, and i thought we deserved a treat. Nob end just said "glad you can afford it, I certainly wont be going any where this year" ahhh, lets all say a big tough shit for him - ha ha ha

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 31/01/2008 17:35

hahahahaha..

ShakeysGirl · 31/01/2008 19:11

You are such an inspiration, your children are very lucky to have you as thier mother.

Original poster
isheisnthe · 01/02/2008 10:29

thaks for the SG, doesnt feel like it all the time but we are getting there, and being in our own home is certainly helping us all know where we are with each other. DS1 (5) drew a picture last night with all me, him and ds2 in it, we all had massive smiles, there was lots of sunshine and blue clouds and green grass and even a rainbow - must mean I am doing something right and it really made me happy that he thought of us 3 as a family unit.

OP posts:
Original poster
isheisnthe · 15/04/2008 09:25

latest up date from this bloody loser was not to turn up to pick the children up last night (after finally agreeing to have them for 1/2 terms 2nd week - on the proviso that as he is having them 4 nights in the week he has 4 friday night off!) He said he was working in london (no way - he's is a director and NEVER works weekends) with a customer and couldnt get away - so I had to put two very upset little boys to bed last night - when I dropped them off this morning (I had to work) I asked him to look me in the face and tell me he was working...

You guessed it, he couldnt

I said I couldnt believe that yet again he had put himself and his social life first, he had made a commitment to the children to pick them up, and to me - I could of have arranged to go out, and him not turning up would have knackered that!

His excuse - He's met someone really nice and wanted some more time with her...

Oh well, thats perfectly reasonable explanation for dropping your kids like a hot coal. I am so and bloody hurt and for the boys - what a toss pot

OP posts:
Baffy · 15/04/2008 10:38

am so sorry for the boys ishe - what an absolute shit to let his kids down for someone he's just met

who cares if she's 'really nice' - his boys should be number one without question

at least they have one parent who knows how to be a good parent.
not that it makes things any easier for you

HappyWoman · 15/04/2008 10:45

well once again - you will be able to look them in the eye and know you did everything.
what woman - however nice would want him to stay away from his boys anyway?

Try and be kind to yourself though - and know you are well rid of him now.

AbricotsSecs · 15/04/2008 11:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
isheisnthe · 15/04/2008 11:41

well, He's got them now - I rang them this morning and they asked when they were coming home - even tho he has nice things planned to do they just dont want to be there!

That is the only thing that will stop me doing tit for tat and not being there on friday when he wants to drop off to show him what its like!

I miss them, feels like theres something missing (which obviously there is!)

What hasnt helped is that I am feeling a bit funny at the moment, I guess its cos its getting to when I found out this time last year, and remembering how horrid it all was

OP posts:
Original poster
isheisnthe · 02/01/2009 10:45

Dear all - been so long since I gave an update and I am more of a lurker now adays but I have seen some threads recently where mnetters are going through similar to what I went through so wanted to offer some hope that life does get better!

My lovely DP proposed to me Christmas eve, with a very lovely ring (much bigger than exp's!!)

Exp is still a nob, but however, I dont let it have any effect on me and the boys at all. we get on with our own thing and he see's them regularly enough for them, which is the main thing. I even let him come round xmas morning for an hour or so with my SD's (DP was also here).

My life now is so much happier than it ever was when I was with EXp, DP helps around the house (I even get lie ins!), is wonderful with the boys and treats me like a princess, and the boys like his own.

For all of you going through similar please don't feel too helpless, life has a funny way of working out right.

EXp kept our big old house, but theres is barely any equity in it now (due to credit crunch) so who's laughing now! (not at credit crunch, but the fact he was well prepared to aim my and his childrens arses out the door and did not give a shit where we ended up!) I am in my lovely new house, with my wonderful boys, and a very special DP to share it all with.

Thats me!

OP posts:
abedelia · 02/01/2009 12:08

Cheers and claps Well done! Sometimes it is (almost) worth the misery?

Original poster
isheisnthe · 02/01/2009 12:20

oh god yes it was! it also was worth it in terms I that I have grown up - I know that I can do it on my own now, so am making a more informed choice as to if I want to iyswim.

He always made me feel like all the decisions were his, I've made them on my own for the best part of nearly 2 years and now I am willing to make considerations to others ideas (ie DP) and its nice to be equal at last.

Theres only one loser in all this, and its not me and the boys, who just get better and better!

OP posts:
Hulababy · 02/01/2009 12:34

Congratulations on your engagement! Hope 2009 is fab for you and your family.

morningpaper · 02/01/2009 12:36

lovely