think I may have been right

[isheisnthe]

DP has been very cool with me for about a month after a disaterious weekend away with the family, where he was very nasty and selfish. When we came home he moved in to the spare room and has been there since on and off.

Last week he announced that he wanted to split up - I was shocked. Our relationship (like most peoples) goes in peaks and troughs and I wasn't expecting it. I have begged and pleaded to make this work, esp for the sake of our sons and the fact the majority of the time we do rub along together but he is not interested. I am so shocked, as we are his "second" family after he was left by his first wife and children and he made it clear he had been gutted not living with his children (he still sees them all the time).

now, I know Ishouldn't have but I checked his phone, I found an entry undera mans name (I have NEVER heard him mention this person) hidden in his archive file in the phone. Then I checked his messae counter and it appears he and this"trevor" have been texting each other V regularly, esp late at night. Being as he is constantly walking round with his mobile attached to him I think I may already know the answer o the question I guess I am asking.

I have written the number down - do I ring it? how do Ifind out this persons name (if a woman answers?!)

Sorry if you got this far

Hi Mistletoe,
thanks, I'm in 2 minds really, on one hand I want to get this over and done with, and on the other , if he wanted to remarry, I'd want to make him have to wait 5 years!!

Just went to get something out of the car, and there's a letter from the counil, about the electoral roll - His name is on it, I really feel like writing something on there like ' no longer living here, now living at ............ with the woman ( and will name her) he was having an affair with for 4 years.' I have been very calm up to now, even now am quite calm and havnt done anything mad, have prob made it very easy for them both.

Look out for my thread - gonna go and start my own! ;-)

Ishe,
am well impressed with your solicitors bill. that was one of the things that has stopped me going, as not sure if I'm entitled to legal aid. Also I don't think it will be a straight forward case as we have a disabled child. As she will always be vunerable, I think I'm right in saying that he can't get his hands on any of the house even when she reaches 18. One minute he says, he's lost the house, and then the next he says he dosnt see why he should only be entitled to 20 or 30%. I also told him he'd have to pay my legal bill!

CG - he has managed to find the 50k to buy me out now ( I did ask at the start of all this but was told it was impossible!) so as soon as that goes in the bank I will go ahead with my purchase - difficult though as I am going in to shared ownership (me 75%) and I have to have my name of he title deeds first before I can proceed. should be max 4 weeks though.

can not wait - the boys are so excited and I finally got rid of the shitty bed that was ours and have a brand new one that I love love love and his sweaty fat arse has never been in.

Pisses him off untold that I have new man in "his" house - I have to point out its not quite "his" yet.....

At least the end is in sight then! Look forward to the next installment!

You should be entitled to something, and a disabled child will be taken in to account with regards to calculating your entitlement.

What a wanker walking away from you are your child, very easy for them isnt it

Isheisnthe, when I read your post it sounded so similar to my situation at the moment, dh walked couple of months ago because of "arguments" and then spouted a load of crap like I didn't have any respect for him, never let him go out blah blah, didn't want nothing to do with me, didn't want to say anything nice etc incase it gave me false hope!! but its ok to sleep with me, anyway he's filed for divorce but is coming to relate in a few weeks, i'm stopping the begging/pleading concentrating on me and dd and feel loads better, hope you are ok have not read the full thread (sorry awfully long but will do when i've time) tho I do stupid things like ring him on behalf of dd when she asks for him then think duh shit why did i bother but i suppose that will fade with time

Phew!!! Managed to read the whoooolllee thread.

Just wanted to say how bloody fab you. What a strong woman and brill mum you are and what a cock your ex is (which of course you know anyway!)

Well done you

TLV thats the standard tripe that guilt makes them come out with I think. Even now my ex often says that if I havent of behaved the way I did things might not have turned out this way. Well, as I have said to him, i'm glad I "behaved" the way I did or I'd still be stuck with him!

well done isheisnthe.
I've just finished reading your thread.
I felt very very for you and your DC at the beginning.
Your pain and sadness really shows in the May threads but boy look at you now !!!!
I am sitting here with a huge on my face.
Good luck and best wishes to you, your man and your DC in 2008 x

thanks jezzemxmas and all the other people that wished me good luck along the way - I will re - read this thread one day, and I guess it will remind me of all the reasons not to like EXP.

Just took DS1 to see the chipmonks movie - he laughed so much all the way through, was so funny - people were actually laughing at him laughing - Good times!!

Im so sorry for barging in on your post but I have a few questions about the tax credit thing as I'm currently going through this. Me and dp split when i had daughter and basically Im being investigated.. they didnt write to tell me or anything i have had to keep ringing etc and this has been going on from oct. could you tell me the procedure of the investigation and how it got resolved. I feel like i've hit a brick wall talking to those IR idiots lol Also when i had my daughter i was in and out of hosp again and didnt think to change my address, im thick i know..

well, they investigated me and then told me that my claim had been rejected, I reapplied but i had to prove, via bank statements, bills etc that I alone paid the bills (not the mortgage - they knew he was paying that) but they needed me to show all the utilities/childcare fees were my responsibility. They should have written to you with the investigating officers name? I phoned my one and and cried down the phone - she was really good and it definatly pays to get them on side.

On another note this is the latest from my dick head ex. I was asking him about helping me cover the school SUMMER holiday (I will do all the rest) - I suggested I do two weeks, he does two weeks and then two weeks in a play scheme - each of us pays half for the play scheme - this is what I got back:

"I can have DS1 for a week but the costs of a kids club is what comes out of the maintenace for the boys, how do you think the rest of the UK do it??"

the kids club is 20 a day - ds2 is still in nursery at a cost to ME of £400 a month and he will be paying me £425 a month maintenance - so he expects me to magic another 100 a week in school holidays - with no input from him!!!

So, this is what I responded

"they are half your children so if thats the case (which it is) then YOU can find suitable care for 1/2 the holidays (including half term) if you want to be funny about - else we will have to relook at contact arrangements.

Have the CSA contacted you yet?"

stupid wanker

If you use childcare for 4 weeks in a row for DS1 it will count towards your CTC childcare contribution thingy. When do you move, must be soon

should be in the next week and a half - please god!!!

Its just his attitude that really pisses me off - we always said we didnt want the boys to go in to play schemes and things and that we would sort out the care between - this conversation was only early last year - in prep for ds1 going to school.

I know I should rise above it but why should it be ME that has to worry about childcare continuenly - they are OUR boys - grrrrrrrrr I know I shouldnt expect any more but still!

thats it - I have decided I am going to go through the CSA - I think I would get more anyway (he's only giving me 425 a month and earns 60k +) - I wasnt going to, I just wanted an easy life and 425 would have been just about enough - but if I am going to have to source childcare in the holidays I'm going to need more - does anyone know how much I'd get - the calcualtor on the website wants sooooo much info!

This added to the fact he is ALWAYS late with the money - will not set up a DD (likes to make me ask for the money) and always shorts me even if its just a tenner has led me down this path - so there we go - fun fun fun

drempt about him last night and woke up feeling really sad and melancholy - must be mental!

I have been having to phone him/text/mail him each weekend about what day he wants to see the boys - have decided I am not going to chase any more - he wants to see them, he needs to contact me.

I'm sure it's 15% (for 2 children) of either net or gross pay as you will be assessed under the new system.

he has a private arrangement outside of the CSA for his two children from his EW, will that be taken in to account when calculating mine?

no idea, probably not only if he then does it all through the CSA I guess. I think the idea behind the new system is that it is simpler to administer rather than people takng out bigger mortgages to may less maintenance etc

I havent even looked in to it all - He did say that if I went that route he would get her to do the same as he didnt see why MY kids (the boys) should get more than his kids (My sd's) - nice touch huh - shows what he thinks of the boys

its 20% for 2 children
not sure whether they will take this into account - I would have thought so as he will want to put it down as an outgoing

regarding paying for childcare, my ex is exactly the same.
I have to cover all school holidays and he has them when he feels like it.
Last yr he had them for 1 half term & 2 (one) week in the summer.
I had to cover the other weeks.

This year he has told me he has no holiday left til April so I have to cover feb half term & Easter (2 wks)

He wont give me money towards this - his solicitor said I should claim it from Family Tax Credit

just seems so unfair that all the childcare has to be paid for by me

ex's favourite line is "take it out the maintenance" - he obviously thinks his maintenance goes into a magic pot which never empties

the "take it out of the maintenance" line makes my blood boil - so, some of the mortgage can come out of the maintenance, the food I buy them can come out of the maintenance, the bills to keep them warm, washed and fed can com eout of it - ds2's nursery fees can come out of it and then DS1's care in school holidays can come out of it - Just pisses me off - how much do they actually think they are giving each month!

if he has all his dc processed through CSA presumably they take the percent and divide it by the number of children so each child gets the same? Perhaps post on lone parents a thread title or does a site like entitled to have more info? The thing is you can claim for CTC including the childcare element and he can't, they don't take maitenance into account as part of your income.

he doesnt at the moment, but I think he would get EW to go through the CSA if I do, he's be mad tho as he pays her less than he gives me already!