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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Witnessed child abuse tonight

159 replies

Crediton · 30/03/2018 08:14

Saw my cousin's husband abuse their 7 year old tonight. Tried to intervene twice, dp tried too, but escalated to him throwing 7 year old against a wall. Happened a ways off from the main group of the family party were at, dp and I only ones who saw directly what happened. I got my cousin but she became v upset and defensive with me. Told aunt who was upset at first but is now minimising. Dp and I are being told we got it wrong, wasnt what it looked like, we're being alarmist etc.
Not the first time I have seen him be rough and I have raised it with my cousin before, but this is worse. My poor nephew. He is ok tonight, cousin's husband went straight into repentant guilt mode, but there will be a next time. How do I help my nephew and my cousin without joining in the family whitewash? Dp and I both hate conflict but we can't pretend tonight didn't happen. Should I report? It will end our relationship as they will know it was me, will cousin and nephew get the best help that way, or should do and I try to help them first?

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 05/04/2018 23:26

It is a perfectly normal and natural reaction to freeze up and be unable to think when you are in the moment of witnessing violence and aggression - this is part of fight or flight, because you are not at that moment in need of logic to evaluate the situation or work out what is best to do to protect somebody else long term, your priority is short term survival and usually what that means is to make yourself small and not do anything which would attract attention to yourself (it's really fight, flight or freeze - and freeze is typically the safest solution.)

It's good that you've been able to process it retrospectively and make decisions like contacting the school and documenting the injuries.

Don't judge your cousin too harshly. Of course you would protect your children from a stranger who did something like this out of the blue, but abuse victims are not in that situation, the abuser starts small and consistently ramps up so that it's never any one incident which partially means that it never really seems "that bad" because they are always having their perception of normal messed with and changed. Part of this is shame that they have put up with other forms of abuse and they feel that they can't leave "just" for this one, almost like they don't have the right. In addition, imagine that somebody told you - urged you - that your DH, the one you know and love and trust and rely on - that he was dangerous to your children and that you had to leave. Or even if one night he acted completely out of character and hurt them. Would you really find it easy to leave, or would it be so unbelievable that you'd look at other possibilities first - that he was perhaps ill, or had misjudged something, that the person was lying, that they were mistaken or mad? Particularly if he was repentant, apologetic and horrified and you believed he'd never do it again. The thought of having to instantly and totally reevaluate something which feels so stable in your life would be like a punch in the gut and your initial instinct would be to make it go away and excuse it or make like it had never happened. If you were faced with your DC's distress or some injury, then hopefully you'd bring yourself to act, but that wouldn't stop it being an utterly horrendous, distressing thing to contemplate that your relationship/marriage, which was perfectly fine just half an hour or a day before, was over. It's no different for an abuse victim. They don't see their marriage as any less valid or loving or supportive than yours, even if it seems that way from the outside. Usually an abuse victim feels exactly the same about their partner as the way anybody else does, they are not constantly living in fear and intimidation, they love and respect and have a life with that person.

It feels differently when you are out, and hopefully this is all a catalyst to change. You're also right that she may feel that the best way to protect her child is to be there, rather than split and risk unsupervised contact, as she may feel that she is capable of lessening or intervening in the abuse. You must understand this because you felt part of this yourself when earlier in the thread you mentioned anxiety about reporting in case the family shut you out and you lost contact with your nephew. Ultimately this is a false belief, because the person who believes they are "protecting" the child almost never has any influence over the abuser but it is a powerful belief all the same. If she is so ground down that she can't even begin to think about a plan to escape then this may combine with a feeling of hopelessness about the situation as well.

randomuntrainedcuntowner · 05/04/2018 23:33

Omg my dd is 7 and I could never imagine anyone doing that to her - or me condoning it! I end up feeling guilty if I even raise my voice to her! The idea of a little 7 year old against a grown man like that breaks my heart. Well done op for being so brave and looking out for the needs of that child😢

Crediton · 06/04/2018 00:16

@bertiebotts that is excellent advice. I would never urge my cousin to leave, for exactly the reasons you outline. Even though in my heart i am desperate for her to do exactly that. I am going to stay as close to her as i can and practice active listening with her, and make gentle suggestions to hopefully open her up to the full range of options she has to improve things for her and DN. The poor thing she has a long way to go but hopefully she will get there.

OP posts:
MrsGorilla · 06/04/2018 06:45

bertiebotts id like to give a rebuttal to your post.

I was in the OP’s DN’s shoes. I had my head held underwater, I was forcibly chucked out of the house, I was kicked. My mother never lifted a finger to protect me, never uttered a word of protest. And I’ve never been able to forgive her for it. We have no contact now.

I’m telling you now, if my dh threw my son against a wall, I would not let it go.

This bastard’s behaviour towards this poor boy is clearly not unusual if he is forever putting him down and picking on him and the cousin should not be watching it happen motionless. She should be stepping up and protecting him. No excuses. Things were obviously not ‘fine’ until the wall incident, the Op said that he is always mean to the poor boy.

I’ve been in an abusive relationship myself and there is no way in hell I’d stick around someone abusing my child.

Believeitornot · 06/04/2018 07:44

@MrsGorilla but bertiebotts is right. People do freeze up. You don’t know what you’d actually do if you were your mother.

My mother was beaten to shit as was my brother. My mother couldn’t defend him as she was terrified and ended up mentally shutting down. Looking back I couldn’t understand it and now we barely speak because I cant see how she’d let her children suffer. But ultimately, she was terrified and had her own issues.

MrsGorilla · 06/04/2018 08:23

Right, but not all mothers in this situation are abused by the abuser at all. Mine never was. His target was me. There is a supposition that the Op’s Cousin is also being abused and unless I’ve missed something there is no evidence of that.

MrsGorilla · 06/04/2018 08:24

And you may freeze up in the moment but continuing to stay and subject the child to further abuse is unforgivable.

MrsGorilla · 06/04/2018 08:28

And the Op has said herself that the family are closing ranks and minimising the whole thing so how you can defend the mother for doing fuck all is beyond me!

FluffySlipperSocks · 06/04/2018 12:55

He's so little. You do have to report this. No question

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