Witnessed child abuse tonight

[Crediton]

Saw my cousin's husband abuse their 7 year old tonight. Tried to intervene twice, dp tried too, but escalated to him throwing 7 year old against a wall. Happened a ways off from the main group of the family party were at, dp and I only ones who saw directly what happened. I got my cousin but she became v upset and defensive with me. Told aunt who was upset at first but is now minimising. Dp and I are being told we got it wrong, wasnt what it looked like, we're being alarmist etc.
Not the first time I have seen him be rough and I have raised it with my cousin before, but this is worse. My poor nephew. He is ok tonight, cousin's husband went straight into repentant guilt mode, but there will be a next time. How do I help my nephew and my cousin without joining in the family whitewash? Dp and I both hate conflict but we can't pretend tonight didn't happen. Should I report? It will end our relationship as they will know it was me, will cousin and nephew get the best help that way, or should do and I try to help them first?

The right thing is to protect someone who can't protect themselves so do not feel guilt

I think it is normal to worry about reporting. posters cansee clearly as they are looking on from the outside. it is harder to see from the inside. brain goes into protective mode and trys to minimise the trauma of witnessing and attack, then things are clouded by family relationships, one wonders if reporting will get help or make it worse, one worries whetehr ti would be better tobe on hand and be the only protective adults in his life or get thrown out of his life completely. all that is swirling round whentrying to make the decision.

I was physically and psychologically abused as a child - and no one ever did anything! The mental scars of that are as large as the ones from the abuse itself. How I wish someone had cared about me.

You're as bad as they are if you walk away.

Crediton congratulations for doing the right thing!! To be perfectly honest I thought you might be persuaded to change your mind, but pleased you proved me wrong.

Like a few other posters, I wish someone reported the abuse I suffered throughout my childhood and then the perpetrators wouldn't have got away with it.

If your family give you a hard time it shows their true calibre, you don't want or need to be 'one of them'...they are just as guilty as the perpetrator if they turn a blind eye.

Good on you and don't be hard on yourself, DN will thank you some day even if he's too young to express that just now.

Thanks all. Who knows if child services will act or not. It does my head in that my cousin and her DH seem so normal and unassuming but are capable of this bull. So sorry to hear from all the posters who were abused growing up, and thanks for sharing your thoughts here with me.

Bear in mind cousin going defensive may mean she is also a victim and may have been very scared of that being discovered - I know it sounds irrational and you think people suffering domestic abuse would want help but believe me they are just as likely to feel very ashamed at the situation and want to hide it.
Could you contact her discreetly after the event?

Yes I am worried about that, i will keep reaching out to her. I get the shame feelings, you are right it is irrational but a very common response to having suffered violence.

Op well done for doing your best to report - you're doing absolutely the right thing. It sounds frustratingly difficult

If you're worried about others minimising the problem and you're around them again, then make sure you (and your dh) have your phones at hand and set to video so you can record at the first hint of trouble - it will make it very difficult for them to minismise... Just so long as it doesn't put you in the firing line too.

Thanks @bunbunny yes I wish I had had my phone last week would have recorded if I did. Will be poised to record from now on. My cousin's husband had hold of my DN and used his adult body weight to slam dn up against a concrete wall. DN had grazing all up his back, when I next see him I will photograph it, it will take a couple of weeks to heal. This is all so new to me and my mind goes a bit blank if there is conflict or violence, I need to be more on point.

The School Nurse should be informed of what has happened to your Dn.
They are very good at Safe guarding but you may have to let them know that the boy may try to cover his injuries by saying that he fell over.
They should then, keep an eye on him.

I actually spoke to the school principal before I called child services, principal was v good and will talk to the nurse. Child services, if they take any action, will work in with the school. I feel like an arsehole not giving my cousin a heads up about CS. She will get a call from a social worker out of the blue. She will be shocked and I feel bad about that. But if I tell her what I have done, it gives her and her dh time to perfect their story and work on DN.
Cousin's dh is always grumpy with DN and shouting at him over tiny things, told school and CS this also.

Well done OP. What a horrible thing to see and to have to deal with

@beliveitornot it's been lots of little things over time, that attack last week was really a culmination that made me realise I have to act. Dh and I have spoken to my cousin over the years but she is financially dependant on her dh and responds to our interventions with tears/collapse saying she can't cope. In a way last week was a good thing as we have an actual serious example now to get the authorities to hopefully act on. Everything else we have seen could be explained away but not this. And now we can hang the other stuff off it.

That’s such a hard thing for you to do - as you’ve seen with other family members, they’ve minimised it. I suspect they’ll express outrage at the dh’s behaviour when he’s not around though.

That poor child. I’m glad to hear he’s got you looking out for him.

Oh yes there is a lot of handwringing when he is not there. But no one is prepared to do anything for fear of rocking the boat. The weird thing is my cousin's dh is not a big guy, and if you met him socially you would probably think he was a bit of a wet blanket. It's not like we are scared of him. But he is awful to that child.

Thank god he screwed up and showed his true colours in public, which prompted you to call.

Hope your little nephew gets help, and your cousin too. Well done OP

Thanks gluteus, yes it looks like his behaviour is escalating. Why do abusers escalate over time? I hope he gets help/is removed from dns life before he escalates more

You have done a very difficult and brave, important thing OP. Because of what you did, your cousin and her family will hopefully get the support and help that they desperately need.

Well done.

Please report.

Really should read the full thread

S'okay we all do it

She deserves to feel shocked. She's letting her son be abused.

Yes @Lookforthestars. She is. My mind keeps trying to gloss over it but she is.
If my DH did that to any of our kids he would be out for good. And i would expect the same if i was the abuser - that he would throw me out to protect them.
I’ve known my cousin my whole life. She is a sweetheart and loves her boy. Don’t understand why she isn’t protecting him. I think her way at the moment is to try and distract her DH, intervene, but it is not protecting DN and she cannot be there every minute, as we saw last week.
Because of finances she may not even see leaving as an option. She may be so conditioned that she doesn’t see the abuse for what it is.

Well you did the right thing. Poor little lad. And poor you, I'd be worrying myself sick.

Ahh yeah i have not been able to sleep! DH is distraught as well.