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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Witnessed child abuse tonight

159 replies

Crediton · 30/03/2018 08:14

Saw my cousin's husband abuse their 7 year old tonight. Tried to intervene twice, dp tried too, but escalated to him throwing 7 year old against a wall. Happened a ways off from the main group of the family party were at, dp and I only ones who saw directly what happened. I got my cousin but she became v upset and defensive with me. Told aunt who was upset at first but is now minimising. Dp and I are being told we got it wrong, wasnt what it looked like, we're being alarmist etc.
Not the first time I have seen him be rough and I have raised it with my cousin before, but this is worse. My poor nephew. He is ok tonight, cousin's husband went straight into repentant guilt mode, but there will be a next time. How do I help my nephew and my cousin without joining in the family whitewash? Dp and I both hate conflict but we can't pretend tonight didn't happen. Should I report? It will end our relationship as they will know it was me, will cousin and nephew get the best help that way, or should do and I try to help them first?

OP posts:
Babyblues052 · 30/03/2018 09:38

Caught up on thread. Glad you're reporting.

frasier · 30/03/2018 09:45

Also, that child knows at 7 that you know. I knew who knew in my family and did nothing. (I cut them all off when I was an adult. Will not allow my DS near them)

The children in the family who heard adults talk about it or witnessed it (this is the equivalent of YOUR children) grew up with a twisted sense of abuse. They thought it was right to keep the shameful secret. When we were in our 30s my cousin said to me "We all knew, all the kids, we just thought you were really bad and bad people get hit". This is a woman who went on to hit her children.

Original poster
Crediton · 30/03/2018 10:09

In my culture it is v common to call all offspring of siblings, cousins etc nieces and nephews. No one will think I lack credibility or can't keep family relationships straight if I use this terminology when reporting.

OP posts:
PrettyLittIeThing · 30/03/2018 10:20

You haven't said what country you are in?

M00nUnit · 30/03/2018 10:20

MyBoysAndl it's not unusual to call your first cousin once removed a nephew. Children often call their parents' cousins "Auntie Jane" or "Uncle John" or whatever. "First cousin once removed" is a bit of a mouthful and calling this boy her nephew doesn't give the OP less credibility at all.

MrsWhirly · 30/03/2018 10:27

If calling the police is hard for you, report to the NSPCC who will make the necessary refferals. Throwing a 7-year old against a wall is a terrible thing to do, smacks of someone who can not control their anger and at risk of escalation. Poor nephew.

Slartybartfast · 30/03/2018 10:37

op does not have to tell us where she is Hmm

NotAgainYoda · 30/03/2018 10:41

Joanna

I think that every country has an equivalent. We aren't stupid. I don't think the OP is either.

NotAgainYoda · 30/03/2018 10:46

There you go

In case of confusion Hmm

Rainatnight · 30/03/2018 10:49

The really chilling thing is that this is what happens when there are people around to see. What happens behind closed doors?

Yes, it's an awful situation that you've found yourself in and there will be costs to your family relationships. But you really don't have a choice. It's not only about the risk of death - he'll grow up traumatised by this and more than likely go on to be like that himself if he doesn't get help. So this is about generations of kids...

DartmoorDoughnut · 30/03/2018 10:51

Whatever country you’re in I am fairly sure the definition of assault will be pretty similar so I would report to the police now and follow up with other services next week

LotsToThinkOf · 30/03/2018 11:24

I don't think the nature of the relationship was an issue for credibility, it was more to ensure no confusion when reporting ie. the authorities thinking there was more than one child.

OP you're absolutely doing the right thing. The others have already closed ranks so this is the only way you can help that poor child. Being around to witness more abuse won't help, the rest of the family have probably taken this stance and assumed that he'll be fine because they are there to monitor it all. Don't be like them.

MissP103 · 30/03/2018 11:46

Op please report this man. You have to ignore what the adults are saying, you are the voice for this child. If he has done that so publicly and it took two adults to intervene, what is he doing behind closed doors to that child.

Sarahjconnor · 30/03/2018 11:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoloD · 30/03/2018 11:51

Sometimes the right thing and the easy thing are not the same. Imagine if the abuse gets worse, how you will feel then.

Social Workers by and large want to keep families together, the help they can provide might make the difference. Don't let family guilt you from doing the right thing. Protecting children is more important than peoples hurt feelings.

Snugglepumpkin · 30/03/2018 11:55

When I was a child, I was in what I now know was an emotionally abusive situation (never physical) but I did know I was so unhappy I couldn't see a way out.

I did a polite version of running away, so as not to cause 'shame to the family' & ended up homeless because I didn't know I had family who would have taken me in.
I was a just turned 17 year old girl who didn't even know how babies were made.
I thought, as a child that they would all be on 'her' side because they were her family before they were mine.

I found that out far too many years later, that one of my aunts spent months driving around looking for me because she knew what my mum was like.

I'm not faulting her, but what I wish, more than anything, was that she had told me that I could go to her if I needed help.
I thought my only option was to run away from everyone.

If you are concerned that you are about to lose contact with your nephew, tell him your door is always open (if it is), because I would have run to my aunt if she'd only told me & my life would have been a million times better.

My aunt died before I ever got a chance to thank her for at least wanting to help me, I only found out what she'd done after her death, but I will never forget that she tried.

He might not ever do it, but give him a chance to know there are people who will help & who care about him even if he is at odds with his parents.

alittlepieceofme · 30/03/2018 12:07

This sounds awful! Horrible to think what hoes on when other people aren't here!

TammyWhyNot · 30/03/2018 12:08

He went into repentant mode, so I would go round and see your cousin and DH. Sit down and say there is s problem, he knows there is a problem because he acknowledged it by being repentant. But say you have seen it before so it is obvious he needs help to stop it. And it must stop. Tell them your kids saw and were upset. He gets help with anger management and parenting, or else you will report it. Say you know god is hard to say and hard to hear but you trust them enough to want to listen, and you care enough about their child to want to risk s family fall out.

Say it all directly, factually and mean it.

Lizzie48 · 30/03/2018 12:09

Yes, report it now, don't be part of this family whitewash. When my siblings and I were children, we were in the same position your DNephew is in (there was SA as well in our case).

We brought a case to the police last year and we asked around what people from our past knew about it. No one was surprised, they were all aware that something was wrong but none of them did anything. Don't be in the position in 30 years time of having to say yes you did know yet you did nothing. Because, believe me, that hurts.

It's a horrible thing as a child to be afraid in your own home, which is supposed to be where you feel safe.

frasier · 30/03/2018 12:23

Tammy, my mother always went into repentant mode when others witnessed her abuse. When she got me home it would be twice as bad because she was angry she didn’t been outed.

OP go to the pice today please.

frasier · 30/03/2018 12:24

That should read “angry she had been outed”

frasier · 30/03/2018 12:25

And “go to the police today please”

I’m angry that anyone has even suggested otherwise

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 30/03/2018 12:28

OP I see that you are torn between reporting and having the opportunity to stay in with the family and be able to help the child in some way.

The problem is they are already suspicious of you and closing ranks so that pathway is probably not an option anyway.

I think this bears repeating from a pp - I can see that you are torn and feel you might be able to protect DN better if you stay 'in' the family so to speak - but this poster has nailed it, you won't be allowed access to him, so your only option is to report.

Mishappening · 30/03/2018 12:31

I am afraid you have to report this - I know it is difficult when it will cause a family rift, but the child has to be the priority.

Write down what happened, with times etc. And any previous incidents that might have caused you a bit of concern.

You have to do this.

Family cover-up is so common; please do not be a party to that.

KarmaStar · 30/03/2018 12:33

Call the police and social services safe guarding immediately.can't believe you needed to ask tbh.