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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Witnessed child abuse tonight

159 replies

Crediton · 30/03/2018 08:14

Saw my cousin's husband abuse their 7 year old tonight. Tried to intervene twice, dp tried too, but escalated to him throwing 7 year old against a wall. Happened a ways off from the main group of the family party were at, dp and I only ones who saw directly what happened. I got my cousin but she became v upset and defensive with me. Told aunt who was upset at first but is now minimising. Dp and I are being told we got it wrong, wasnt what it looked like, we're being alarmist etc.
Not the first time I have seen him be rough and I have raised it with my cousin before, but this is worse. My poor nephew. He is ok tonight, cousin's husband went straight into repentant guilt mode, but there will be a next time. How do I help my nephew and my cousin without joining in the family whitewash? Dp and I both hate conflict but we can't pretend tonight didn't happen. Should I report? It will end our relationship as they will know it was me, will cousin and nephew get the best help that way, or should do and I try to help them first?

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouser · 30/03/2018 08:36

Poor wee kid.

You have to report it.

(Your cousin’s child is not your nephew, so when you report it, just say it’s your cousin’s child or they’re going to get confused about how many children are involved and what the relationships are.)

bobbinogs · 30/03/2018 08:36

My dad was abused by his mum. The extended family knew and would take him in and deal with his injuries but the police were never called. This was the 1960s. He has dealt with the fall out his whole life, his mental health is not great and to a degree the impact of that abuse has rippled down the generations and impacted on me and my brother right into our adult lives. You have to report so the boy does not have to live in fear. You have a responsibility to stop this now.

smilingeyes79 · 30/03/2018 08:40

Where was the party held, is it possible other people saw and didn't say anything at the time ?

turnipfarmers · 30/03/2018 08:42

Say nothing to your family and report it.

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 30/03/2018 08:44

OP I see that you are torn between reporting and having the opportunity to stay in with the family and be able to help the child in some way.

The problem is they are already suspicious of you and closing ranks so that pathway is probably not an option anyway.

So report, because imagine if something happened to this poor child. You will never forgive yourself. Be firm with the police and SS and follow it up. You need to put yourself in the shoes of this child who is living his life in fear.

MrsBertBibby · 30/03/2018 08:45

You aren't much use as "eyes and ears" if you aren't prepared to use your mouth.

Walkaboutwendy · 30/03/2018 08:45

Please report this. You won't be able to monitor if they know you know as he may be careful to not do it when you are around. This child needs professional supervision so the parents know they are being watched.

You want to be able to look him in the eye when he's an adult and say 'I cared enough to speak out'. If the rest of the family are turning a blind eye it's time they got a wake up call.

seedsofchocolate · 30/03/2018 08:46

ABSOLUTELY you report. Immediately!

ChickenMom · 30/03/2018 08:47

Report it. My friend is a social worker and they do care and would take this seriously. You might need to keep contacting and pushing them as some are better than others. It’s not acceptable and you should report. It’s notnecessarily true that you won’t see them again as they often look to place the child with extended family so you could offer to do that. Please be explicit that the rest of the family tried to minimise as it would not be right if he was placed with one of them.

Idontdowindows · 30/03/2018 08:47

Please report!

Lacucuracha · 30/03/2018 08:48

Better to report now while it's still fresh in everyone's minds.

You're doing the right thing.

ChickenMom · 30/03/2018 08:48

What a vile human being your cousins husband is

BrutusMcDogface · 30/03/2018 08:49

You aren't much use as "eyes and ears" if you aren't prepared to use your mouth.

This. Very succinctly put. Poor boy Sad

Mayday01 · 30/03/2018 08:49

As you have seen him attack your nephew, you should call the police.
Then call social services to report.
Then I would call his school. As they will keep an eye.
That is what I did.
I've done this with my own family after witnessing abuse, you have my sympathies. It turned out OK in the end and most of my family supported me. Not without a fair bit of minimisation first though. Sometimes it takes one person to speak out, and the rest will follow.

Peterpanspants · 30/03/2018 08:50

Please report!

Bananamanfan · 30/03/2018 08:51

Call the police. If he is doing this in public you have no idea what he is doing to your cousin and their little boy in private.

Snoreyhell · 30/03/2018 08:51

*Today 08:45 MrsBertBibby

You aren't much use as "eyes and ears" if you aren't prepared to use your mouth*

This.

Original poster
Crediton · 30/03/2018 08:51

Just lost a huge post. Spent last 20 minutes calling round trying to report. Not in uk and our services here not the best. Not worried about wrecking relationship with cousin, just worried ithat child services will fuck it up more and then nephew will have nothing. Have to put my DC's to bed now, night time here. Will update tomorrow.

OP posts:
redexpat · 30/03/2018 08:52

If this helps you decide here is what the law says in my adopted country. If you as a private citizen have first hand knowledge of child abuse or neglect you are legally obliged to report it. You have reached that threshold so please report it to ss or the police.

OnTheRise · 30/03/2018 08:53

Well even being with them your dh couldn't stop him. What the fuck happens in private?

This.

That poor child.

I hope you find a way to help protect him, OP.

lanebaby · 30/03/2018 08:53

Report! And write everything down include the date and times if possible, that little child needs help or this will continue to get worse. A fall will be hard for you but imagine how scared that little child is. If this happened to my little ones I would want someone to report it and help them xx
Social Services will be able to help this family. It's the right thing to do Thanks

NotAgainYoda · 30/03/2018 08:54

You can't know what will happen. But all the what-iffery can't conceal the fact that if you don't do anything you witnessed an assault and did nothing. I could not live with that

JackietheBackie · 30/03/2018 08:54

Report, report, report. This poor child knows that his assault was witnessed. What does that say to him if you don’t report it? Your children saw the assault, what does it say to them if you turn a blind eye?

You have ongoing concerns and if it has reached the point where this man can’t control himself at a family function in a public place then I am pretty sure there is much worse violence going in at home.

In terms of managing your relationship with your cousin, maybe you could see her on her own, in a neutral space for a coffee or something and ask her if she is scared at home. It could be that she is scared, or that she is so used to seeing it that she can’t see how awful it is. Or it could be that it is more important to her to protect her partner than her child. And if it is the later then her son is in a very dangerous place indeed.

But it doesn’t really matter what her motivation is - her son is not safe, and no one in his immediate family seems able to protect him so you HAVE to.

redexpat · 30/03/2018 08:54

Oh x post. Thats tricky. Have you witnessed other episodes? Can you remember dates etc or what happened?

Lacucuracha · 30/03/2018 08:54

I think it was pretty clear from the offset that OP would report.