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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Witnessed child abuse tonight

159 replies

Crediton · 30/03/2018 08:14

Saw my cousin's husband abuse their 7 year old tonight. Tried to intervene twice, dp tried too, but escalated to him throwing 7 year old against a wall. Happened a ways off from the main group of the family party were at, dp and I only ones who saw directly what happened. I got my cousin but she became v upset and defensive with me. Told aunt who was upset at first but is now minimising. Dp and I are being told we got it wrong, wasnt what it looked like, we're being alarmist etc.
Not the first time I have seen him be rough and I have raised it with my cousin before, but this is worse. My poor nephew. He is ok tonight, cousin's husband went straight into repentant guilt mode, but there will be a next time. How do I help my nephew and my cousin without joining in the family whitewash? Dp and I both hate conflict but we can't pretend tonight didn't happen. Should I report? It will end our relationship as they will know it was me, will cousin and nephew get the best help that way, or should do and I try to help them first?

OP posts:
bluebell34567 · 30/03/2018 17:34

agree KarmaStar.

JaneEyre70 · 30/03/2018 17:38

I can appreciate your concern about family repurcussions OP but if he can do that to a small child in front of others, what is he doing behind closed doors? It doesn't bear thinking about. Poor dear boy. His father is a bully.

Original poster
Crediton · 30/03/2018 20:06

Have called police but response was what I expected, as we are on holiday here they asked me to report again once we are back in our district. Child protection services just had an answerphone on the the holiday weekend directing urgent concerns to the police. Very circular. I thought I would get support here but all most posters have wanted to do is accuse me of turning a blind eye for the sake of family relationships. All my concern ever was was that reporting might not be the best way to help my nephew. Really is nowhere I can get help for them, not even here Sad

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 30/03/2018 20:10

To be frank, eyes and ears are pretty useless. This is a common concern from anybody who is party to child abuse - that if they isolate themselves from the abuse they won't be able to stop it/prevent it/keep an eye on it any more.

But honestly - you didn't prevent it, did you? You can't stop something like that in the middle, you can't intervene. No matter how much we think we would, it doesn't work like that in reality. The best thing to do is to report. You could report to your local station now if you want to by looking up their geographical number. But it would also work to wait until you get back. The important thing is that it gets to somebody who can do something about it, which sadly you can't - whether you have contact with the family, or not.

RunMummyRun68 · 30/03/2018 20:19

I would definitely report this

BUT

you need to preserve the relationship to still 'be there' for your nephew. For this reason I would tell the family it's been reported by your partner and you tried to prevent him but couldn't.

This way you are innocent, available and in the loop a little bit still

They will hate him. But it's a relationship which would sour either way

StressedtoHellandBack · 30/03/2018 22:28

The boy's parents will likely know that it was either OP or OP's DH who reported them as it looks like other family members have seen this before and done nothing. There is a great concern for people that those who are concerned for the child will be cut off and therefore have no contact with the child which is very upsetting. The child will then be isolated and have no-one watching them and feel the loss of a family relationship. It seems to be a common thing to cut off people who express concern for a child.
Also Police and Social Service, Child Protection really do have to step up and not try to excuse or allow such conduct to continue. Otherwise all that is achieved is that the child is alone and the adults are left to worry.

FookMeFookYou · 31/03/2018 20:59

You were at a family party so I’m guessing there were a few of you there and they are all willing to be complicit by ignoring this blatant child abuse. I think the lot of them are vile and I’d be extremely concerned about ALL children within the family if their parents are willing to normalise this behaviour or justify it as ‘hardline parenting’. It’s abuse plain and simple and if the authorities and child protection services are not up to scratch wherever you are then I would be throwing that abusive cunt against the wall and threatening to do the same again if I ever saw him lay a hand on the child. Poor kid must be terrified...breaks my heart

Decoratingdisasters · 31/03/2018 21:26

She doesn't need to say which country she's in. Idiots asking for TMI. You risk outing her! Stick to the point of the bloody thread!

LunaTheCat · 31/03/2018 21:30

You need to report, however heart breaking it is for you. You may also be helping his wife . If he beats his child then it is highly likely he beats her and also any animals in the house.

LoveProsecco · 31/03/2018 21:37

I feel sick reading this. Please keep trying to report

lovemenot · 31/03/2018 21:43

Is it possible to connect with the child’s mother? I would not be surprised if she’s been thrown against the wall on occasion too. Maybe you’ll be the helping hand she needs to ltb.

MrsGorilla · 31/03/2018 21:47

OP you must report this ASAP. I suffered violent episodes as a child and it ruined my whole life. You must put the child first above preserving family relationships, and you cannot have ‘eyes and ears’ on the situation anyway, you don’t live with them and you have no idea what goes on. Please let the professionals handle this as they’re meant to. Don’t let that child down.

user764329056 · 31/03/2018 21:54

Please don’t let this go, I get that it’s family and there could be repercussions etc but that poor child is defenceless and NEEDS an adult to help him. He is probably crying out inside. This breaks my heart. I read a news report recently about a little boy in the US who was being abused, a woman from the authorities had visited, she did nothing, this poor little soul asked his teacher one day ‘can you get the lady again’, he was so desperate, he was continually ignored and his life ended when his mother killed him.

user764329056 · 31/03/2018 21:57

FookMeFookYou, totally agree, wish someone would throw that cunt of a father against a wall. How can an entire family ignore this? There are no words. I don’t care what situation I was in, if I saw this happening anywhere I would take every action I could

AmygdalaeOnFire · 31/03/2018 22:07

Good on you and keep going. Even if SS ultimately fo nothing, which they shouldn't, then at some point he'll figure out why you're not in his life. Assuming he isn't killed, worst case scenario is that he grows up not knowing what they did was wrong and/or alone in it because he believes it was his fault. The fact that somebody tried to protect him, will mean an awful lot.

My abuse wasn't as bad as that physically, but knowing that adults knew and could have done something but chose not to anger my mother is something very hard to get over.

Good on you.

BettyBaggins · 31/03/2018 22:09

I have lived in a country where reporting it would get the child beaten more. Do what is right for the situation in your country op, the kid needs to know people care and its not ok.

totallywicked · 31/03/2018 22:10

This has made me cry. My DS is 7, he's so happy, precious and naive. Hey he thought of anyone being aggressive with him actually hurts my tummy.

The poor lad. He needs rescuing x

DamsonOnThisDress · 31/03/2018 22:15

Don't get downhearted - you'll get a mixed bag of responses here but there are many (most) of us know you are trying to do the right thing.

Am I reading this right that you are in a different area for a holiday and the police told you to report it to local police when you're back home?

I would do that. Keep ringing police and child protective services until you get a response. It's crap that it's a voice message but after the holidays you will get to speak to someone and get this logged.

Don't give up - you're doing the right thing.

Original poster
Crediton · 04/04/2018 08:39

Reported to dns school and to child services. Have reached out to my cousin a few times but she is pushing me away. Have spoken to my dn and made sure knows he can come to me whenever he wants to, our place is an easy walk from my cousins.

OP posts:
Wishfulmakeupping · 04/04/2018 08:43

Well done op you’ve done the right thing and hopefully will improve things for your dn 💐

Original poster
Crediton · 04/04/2018 08:45

I hope it does too.

OP posts:
Butteredparsn1ps · 04/04/2018 08:57

Well done Crediton I wish i’d Had someone like you in my corner growing up. Please remember that if you get a hard time over this within your family. You are doing the very best for your DN. Flowers

Original poster
Crediton · 04/04/2018 09:59

Thanks @Buttteredparsn1ps i will get a hard time, but am unrepentant lol. I am feeling strangely crap having reported tho, just very down and resigned. I think it is knowing there is a shit storm to come. Also the minimising and looking away by family has done my head in. I just hope i can keep seeing/having contact with my DN.

OP posts:
piercinggelo · 04/04/2018 10:16

Oh ffs I would have 999 that at the time. He THREW a child against a wall??

Please do call the police and report the assault right now.

piercinggelo · 04/04/2018 10:19

Sorry OP I missed your update about phoning