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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Witnessed child abuse tonight

159 replies

Crediton · 30/03/2018 08:14

Saw my cousin's husband abuse their 7 year old tonight. Tried to intervene twice, dp tried too, but escalated to him throwing 7 year old against a wall. Happened a ways off from the main group of the family party were at, dp and I only ones who saw directly what happened. I got my cousin but she became v upset and defensive with me. Told aunt who was upset at first but is now minimising. Dp and I are being told we got it wrong, wasnt what it looked like, we're being alarmist etc.
Not the first time I have seen him be rough and I have raised it with my cousin before, but this is worse. My poor nephew. He is ok tonight, cousin's husband went straight into repentant guilt mode, but there will be a next time. How do I help my nephew and my cousin without joining in the family whitewash? Dp and I both hate conflict but we can't pretend tonight didn't happen. Should I report? It will end our relationship as they will know it was me, will cousin and nephew get the best help that way, or should do and I try to help them first?

OP posts:
Backchatt123 · 30/03/2018 08:55

Dh said ladt night hes giving me 3 warnings and to consider this the first. He will leave if our phiysical relationship does not improve.

I feel he is critical of me all the time. Its grinding being told daily. It has a toll on me and my ability to actually like him.
I do my best, but i am disorganised and not as good at anything as him.
I find it exhausting listening to the littany of complaints.. then he wants a kiss and a cuddle when it suits him.
I feel terrible. Tired and rubbish at everything. And now i have 2 warnings left?
I feel like a child. Its horrible.
But he says he loves me but cant go on forever without physicsl relationship.

Backchatt123 · 30/03/2018 08:55

Woops

Walkaboutwendy · 30/03/2018 08:56

Errm... Think you might be on the wrong thread Backchatt

Walkaboutwendy · 30/03/2018 08:56
Grin
Original poster
Crediton · 30/03/2018 08:56

All the replies are helping, will keep calling till I get someone to report to. Public holiday here and whole country has shut down. Minimising will be complete by tomorrow morning, dreading seeing family but not agreeing to shut up.

OP posts:
ferrier · 30/03/2018 08:57

Yes report.
Can you keep a dialogue going with your nephew via email or similar?

NotAgainYoda · 30/03/2018 08:57

By the way

I would have gone outside and called 999 there and then. But I'm old and don't give a shit what adults think of me. That child needed to see that he was supported.

I am not saying I don't see the difficult position you are in, but by waiting you're already compromised and self-doubting. We all need to trust our instincts more, IMO

ferrier · 30/03/2018 08:57

Online game maybe?

Lacucuracha · 30/03/2018 08:57

Backchatt - he sounds awful! You need to start your own thread - click 'Start new thread in this topic.' You'll get proper advice that way Flowers

Lovemusic33 · 30/03/2018 09:02

Poor child ☹️

I hope reporting it means something is done, is there anyone else in the family that can have nephew because if they decide he is at risk they will look for a family member to take him?

Your cousin needs to get real and realise that she is not protecting her son, this makes her as bad as the abuser.

HisBetterHalf · 30/03/2018 09:03

How can you minimise a child being thrown against a wall? What did they pass it off as?

NoKnownFather · 30/03/2018 09:07

Add my name to the chorus saying you 'must' definitely report what happened and I say this as an abused child at the hands of my adoptive father...although I class his wife and the 'whole' family equally guilty because they all knew and 'nobody' did anything because my adoptive father was seen as a pillar of society in the church, and wider, communities.

To hide the cuts/bruises/etc I would be sent to school wearing a long sleeve pure wool jumper and pure wool stockings (to cover the injuries) in the middle of Summer and was 'never' questioned why I was wearing these clothes? Because he got away with it in the beginning, the abuse escalated and included abuse in all forms...verbal/physical/sexual/emotional/etc. Abusers never change, they only get worse and I ask the unthinkable question....how would you feel if this child was severely injured or killed?

In my case, if just ONE person had the intentional fortitude (in other words...guts) to lodge a report just think of the years of abuse I would have been spared?? In saying this, I know I'm not the only person who was ever in this situation, but I am one example.

I no longer have 'any' contact with any of the family due to their total lack of care or thought towards what I was going through, imho they are equally guilty! Please OP do the child a huge favour and save him from further abuse.

Angry
Neolara · 30/03/2018 09:10

He threw him against a wall! Bloody hell.. That's hideous. You are doing the right thing reporting this.

NukaColaGirl · 30/03/2018 09:10

Please report. So many adults away my mother physically abusing me and turned a blind eye.

Oddcat · 30/03/2018 09:10

Is there anyone else at all in the family that will back you up ?

Snoreyhell · 30/03/2018 09:10

I agree with a pp that I would have dialled 999 there and then, in front of them all. I would have had no qualms about doing so.

Sycamoretrees · 30/03/2018 09:13

www.nspcc.org.uk/what-you-can-do/report-abuse/

Callamia · 30/03/2018 09:14

I agree that reporting is important - the child’s safety is the priority. But I think challenging the family whitewash is also important. Otherwise you remain the outsider who will be easy to cast at a hysterical snitch to the awful SS. You’re going to be maligned and side-lined if you report anyway.

I wish that someone had done this in my family - reporting would have done nothing. My family would have managed to look respectable, and the physical punishments were never enough to leave a long-lasting mark or require treatment. Far better would have been to involve other family members and force them to look at what was happening. Everyone was scared of him though. And if he’s violent to a child, he’s certainly violent towards your cousin. She must be frightened and stuck. It’s a horrible position to be in.

Mogleflop · 30/03/2018 09:15

What country are you in? There may be other MNers who can advise on who to contact.

bluebell34567 · 30/03/2018 09:23

you should call 999, because the child is in danger of it happening again.

Slartybartfast · 30/03/2018 09:23

Even if the weekend services are shut down op, you can still report after the weekend.

viques · 30/03/2018 09:25

You have to report. Imagine what might happen if you don't . A child is a fragile thing, easily broken. Physically and emotionally.

Joanna57 · 30/03/2018 09:31

Does calling 999 help someone in another country.

No, it doesn't.

The OP needs to phone the equivalent in her own country.

Babyblues052 · 30/03/2018 09:36

Not read tft just yet but wanted to make it clear, you're the adult and you have a responsibility to that child to report what you saw!! That is a vulnerable child who cannot stand up for themselves. Trust me there are many of us who where harmed as children and wished and prayed someone would do something and help us. Fuck what the rest of that family think. Imagine how that poor child feels being scared.

MyBoysAndI · 30/03/2018 09:38

OP - why do you call him your nephew when he isn't? Please ensure you report.it correctly as your story will lacl credibility if you can't get basic family relationships correct

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