How many people are having affairs?

[wondering79]

Not looking for praise or vilification and I know what I'm doing is wrong. Speaking to a friend last night (who knows nothing of my situation, haven't told anyone) she told me a mutual friend of ours has been having an affair for 3 months. I asked a few questions and changed the subject, didn't want to mention mine obviously.

But it got me wondering how many other people are having an affair and for how long? Everyones situation is different and not here to judge or be judged, just interested in how common this is?

Mine's been going on for a year.

Thatsquiteenough, I don't pretend or wish to speak for anyone else although I do know my husband has never cheated nor ever would. Don't bother coming back with the "you can't know for sure" because I do. He has exactly the same opinion on infidelity as I do and the same morals.

I do know people who have had affairs but I also know many who I am pretty certain have not.

I know of a few friends and family members who've had affairs. The closest to home though was my own mother. It ended up costing her nearly everything, so beware the temporary excitement you might be enjoying at the moment.

When my dad found out he threw her out and she went to stay with the other man. My older brother and I were forced to go and visit on weekends. We spent the entire time deliberately making their lives as difficult as possible. Then when we were old enough to not have to visit we never spoke to her again. She has never met my brother's children and, unless my brother has a massive change of heart, never will. She tries to get in touch still, but we don't respond.

Unsurprisingly, the relationship with the other man didn't work out and according to another relative of ours it was because he found somebody else. Laughable really.

After a few years my dad met another woman and they couldn't be happier enjoying their retirement together.

Anyway that's my experience of affairs. Not great, but that's life I guess.

Myself and my partner have never cheated, I do know this to be true. I honestly don't think any of my friends have either and I have a lot of friends, maybe I just hang out with nice people who wouldn't do that to another person.
My mum had an affair and left my dad for the toaster who never actually left his wife, he strung her along for 15 fuckin years. Still with his wife now.

Loads and loads of people.
2 on my street - not with each other.
Most of my friends have been on the receiving end of a cheating husband or long term partner. 2 of the few that havnt have had affairs themselves.
What was my best friend is 5 years into an affair with one the kids she child minds Dad.
Where I work rumours go around about people shagging each other on an almost weekly basis.
Several married me have propositioned me and I'm not even attractive.
Honestly - I used to be so nieve and think it was a rarity I now actually think it's most people that have or currently are. I think faithfulness is a rarity.

Toaster not tosser

I would say maybe 30% of the people who would tell me have had an affair, my STBXW has, I haven't. Interesting how many people are casual about this though, totally not realising the absolute devastation, mental health problems and financial ruin that goes along with affairs....

I will say this - it is IMPOSSIBLE to know if your partner has ever cheated on you. It is absurd, naive and daft to say they 100% never would or never have.

Hell, we humans are incredibly complex and we don't even know ourselves half the time, let alone anyone else.

This board and countless others are chock full of women who tell you they thought their husbands would never EVER cheat. But they did. 'Twas ever thus and always will be .

Myself and my partner have never cheated, I do know this to be true. I honestly don't think any of my friends have either and I have a lot of friends, maybe I just hang out with nice people who wouldn't do that to another person.

You really, REALLY can never be 100% sure. I suspect you are quite young....wait until time has passed some more.

I'm not young, I'm 43 .

Bottle - seriously, loads of people you know will have cheated.

They just won't have broadcast it.

When I got divorced , early 40's....at least 4 husbands of friends approached me for a " bit of fun".

I am perfectly ordinary looking and a size 16.

I said no to them all by the way!!

I have never been approached by anyone to have any kind of affair. I'm not married but been together twenty years. I am not unattractive. I go to lots of parties etc.
I am very close to at least 8 of my friends and I'm pretty sure they haven't had affairs!

I didn't when I was married, bottle!!

That is precisely my point!!!

I was in one for (I guess it depends how you count it as I filed for divorce 10 days after I met him) for three months... The time it took my now boyfriend to separate. I've been with him 5 months total and he's downstairs cooking dinner for me while I feel super poorly thanks to an infection. He's my dreams come true and I am his. I wish the affair bit never happened but I'll never regret meeting him as I think I've found my soulmate. I hope our ex partners one day find solace and eventually move on. My exH is doing fairly well, he even had a lady stay over the weekend! My boyfriend's ex is a different story, but he thinks that would have happened regardless :(

I agree with Thatsquiteenough on this thread and I think some posters are extremely naïve.

Given the absolute vitriol that this subject unleashes, do you honestly think that you have any real idea of the level and number of affairs going on? You don't. I guarantee that whatever you think it is and however tightly you clutch the 'talisman' of chanting the mantra, "My partner would never cheat", you can't speak for them. You actually can only speak for yourself at this point in time too.

If I were having an affair, I wouldn't confess it here nor talk about it with anybody but my affair partner. I think most people having extramarital relationships would do the same - and their affair wouldn't be discovered.

... and it IS an appropriate topic to discuss here. The title's clear enough - if you venture onto a thread that will upset you, that's on you, nobody else.

My STBXH has had numerous affairs. He is charming and quite good looking so they fell for the flattery. He had a type (older women worried about being on their own / single mums / unhappily married mums etc). The last "main" OW had a one year baby when she started seeing him, so she would leave her DC at home with her DH to go out with my "DH". She was a work colleague and aware he was married with 2 DC. She wasn't the one and only during this time either. Sadly they are no longer together as they deserved each other. His life is pretty crap (I hope hers is too) so he is getting his just deserts.I hope she reads all articles on here / the comments on that well known paper to understand what people think of home wreckers. You don't understand the pain you cause.

I will say this.

If someone has an affair - a proper, drawn out emotional and sexual affair - something IS wrong at home.

It doesn't matter how many times people say the marriage was happy etc until a " homewrecker" walked in - it wasn't. It REALLY wasn't.
My DP ex will tell you they were happy til the cows come home - he was utterly miserable and unfulfilled in every way ( and no, he didn't cheat , he left first and met me some years later ).

Genuinely in love people DON'T fuck someone else for weeks/months/years .

NO ONE can " wreck" a genuinely happy home.

'
If you are having an affair why not leave the person you are cheating on'

Finance, kids , elderly family members, so many reasons

Life isn't black and white

Oh god I forgot my crazy mother.

Very religious, so much so she was furious when me and dp had a baby as we weren’t married. She then had an affair with a very prominent and senior local clergy person. Said clergy person had been in the papers before that accused by another parishner of an affair and he denied it. I’ve no doubt that she was speaking the truth.

My dad found out and was furious.

And in fairness to my mother she did correctly point out that my dad had pretty much ignored her for 20 years. Guess she could have tried to sort out the relationship.

Thatsquiteenough - partners / OH's lie through their teeth that they are happy in their relationship. My STBXh wanted us to move abroad as he wanted to experience life in another country. He wanted me and our DC to give up everything when he had already cheated. He wanted another DC when he had cheated. He told me loved me and that I couldn't leave him ( he told me this before and after he had cheated). Did you DP tell his ex early on how unhappy he was? I doubt it. That is the line a lot of married / people with partners use to justify their actions. Of course you can wreck a happy home. Some people are that selfish and cruel. It is exciting no doubt. Again that is what people to say to justify an affair.

To the people who say ‘just leave,’ the truth is that society isn’t accepting of that either. How many people come on here upset that their partner has said they want out of the marriage and people will swear blind that they would only want out if they were having an affair. And people will still brand you a bastard for leaving a marriage because you are unhappy.

That doesn’t justify having an affair, but if society was genuinely more tolerant of the fact that relationships even marriages sometimes run their course for all manner of reasons perhaps so many people wouldn’t get as far as cheating.

I actually know people who believe that it’s unacceptable to leave a marriage for anything other than infidelity or physical domestic violence.

It does of course hurt if one’s partner’s feelings change, but that doesn’t automatically make them a bastard, less so than if they cheat, but society needs to take that on.

My DP ex told her parents some awful, terrible lies about him to save face when they divorced as her parents didn't agree with divorce.

It has affected his relationship with them deeply and the children.

Appalling.

God damn I am amazed by this thread.

I have never ever cheated on anyone I loved. I was abit of a minx with boyfriends when I was younger but nothing since growing up!

Also never been on receiving end that I know of.

Eerrggghhh no way I've too much to loose, and even if I hadn't (fell out of love etc) I couldn't stand the secrecy or pressure)

Far far more common than anyone would have you believe