How many people are having affairs?

[wondering79]

Not looking for praise or vilification and I know what I'm doing is wrong. Speaking to a friend last night (who knows nothing of my situation, haven't told anyone) she told me a mutual friend of ours has been having an affair for 3 months. I asked a few questions and changed the subject, didn't want to mention mine obviously.

But it got me wondering how many other people are having an affair and for how long? Everyones situation is different and not here to judge or be judged, just interested in how common this is?

Mine's been going on for a year.

Mydog.

I am glad you have that conviction.

But never EVER judge anyone else. You have no idea what life has thrown them or, indeed, what it will throw you.

Pretty much any attempt to look at this scientifically establishes a reasonably high percentage of both men and women admit to an affair.

I believe the rates of admitted infidelity are around 30-40% for non-married relationships, and around 20% for people in marriages. That's admitted, which will be an under reporting of the true figure. Women admit to affairs at lower rates than men, which may reflect lower true rate of infidelity or a higher social cost of "sexual misbehaviour" for women. Likely both.

From an evolutionary standpoint, it is hypothesised that "mostly monogomous, with opportunistic affairs" was a reasonably optimal mating strategy, particularly for men - women faced a far higher cost for extra-relationship sex, and there was limited evolutionary gain for them. Men, on the other hand, raised the chances of passing on their genes with affairs, whilst putting most of their resources into a single relationship.

So, the figures surprise me not at all.

Ultimately, we are all only socialised animals.

We have a need and a drive for food, shelter and sex, basically.

You only have to read any day on here the number of sexless marriages to know that when one person in a relationship wants sex and the other doesn't, it's never going to end well.

I don't know. Most people won't tell you will they? None of my friends (as far as I know).l do know some people that have had affairs or near misses in the past. I suspect that 'near misses' are very common - someone feeling a bit dissatisfied with life and blaming it on their partner meets someone who presses the right buttons and very nearly steps over the line but only gets a fright and steps back.

There are so many better less destructive ways to a. end a relationship if it's wrong, b. feel good about yourself.

As I have reached middle age, I see many, many unsatisfactory marriages that have long run their course but people stay because of children, houses, finances and fear of change.

I know that many of hose have /would shag about. I know because several of them have asked me to.

My dad had multiple affairs, and eventually left. He destroyed my mum, she tried to end her life also ending the life of the baby she was 7 months pregnant with. She ended up in a pyschiatric unit for a year while my sister and i were dumped with one relative after another, until mum came out and she then relentlessly pursued dad again. He slept with her every time he dropped us off at the weekend, and it took around 9 years for that cycle to break. Both my sister and I have had major issues forming relationships and having a decent relationship with either parent.
But hey, let's all brag about being unfaithful and destroying lives .

I would say probably most, around 85/90% will have cheated on someone at some point and everyone is capable of it.

The numbers who admitted to cheating were around 60/65% iirc and there will be a lot more who did’t admit it.

And it’s usually the people who say “I never would” who are most likely to cheat because they are often so self assured that they don’t see it coming. And affairs rarely start out as a quick one night stand unless there is alcohol involved, they usually start out as emotional, confiding in someone, or even unemotional but sharing common ground with someone, a hobby, work task, something where you realise you have got something in common and before you realise you’re thinking about them all the time and the next step is that much easier to take, although it’s often the next step which causes many people to realise what they’ve done but by then it’s too late.

I know a lot more women who have cheated than men, but I also know couples where they were both married and left partners to be together and still are decades down the line. I also know someone who was an OW for 45 years and even had a child with him.

Not quite sure how many people live that kind of double life compared to those who just have affairs though.

With respect, your mum chose to chase and continue a relationship with a vie abusing bastard.

No one is saying cheating is acceptable. But it is real, it happens and NO ONE is immune.

I adore my DP, he adores me. I trust him completely . Do I believe he would never , ever stray? Of course not, he's human and flawed as we all are. I would hope not . But I would cross that particular bridge if I ever needed to.

I find that as I get older I feel less inclined to judge. Not talking about those who sleep with anything that moves and have multiple affairs, but those who have an affair as a one off, and who either leave to be with the affair partner or simply leave.

Age and experience has shown me that life is rarely black and white, and that although of course some affairs are purely about sex and the person doing it will likely do it to their next partner and the one after that and so on, many affairs are born out of unhappy marriages or just the fact that as people grow up they change, or become unhappy, or there is abuse involved, or maybe they married the wrong people. It doesn’t justify the affairs, but given more people cheat than don’t it certainly puts a question mark over whether we are really designed to be with the same person for life.

I have , it was the symptom of a bad marriage that I called an end to. Not proud of what I did but it made me realise I wasn’t happy .

This thread is horrific to read. I am one of these rare specimens who has never had an affair. Unfortunately, affected by one. One of the reasons I split up with exH was he cheated. My boyfriend is a potential cheat. I don't believe in anything, anymore. I can only trust myself and even does anyone value faithfulness as a quality anymore?

I am ok-ish looking, independent, intelligent, praised for my intimate skills, plus loyal - a textbook partner, but I've realised even that's not enough. Nothing is never enough, and ultimately it does not matter, because human beings are still very primitive. I am so disappointed. Maybe social construct has to be changed. Maybe there should be no marriages. Maybe loyalty should not be demanded. All of this goes against how I feel but I have no faith left.

That's how I feel Chrystal.

Nope, can't see myself ever having one either. Thankfully I live in a country where I'm not my husband's property and don't need permission to leave if I'm unhappy.

I think that women are perhaps a bit more naive about this though. Because they will know other women whose partners have cheated, or will themselves have been cheated on, the understanding among women very much seems to be that only men cheat and when a woman does it’s almost unheard of when actually it’s just as common, and of course the women men cheat with are often married in their own right and vice versa.

I do think that once you enter into an affair though you need to take a step back and question where your life is going from here on in. It’s one thing to have an affair and to leave the marriage. It hurts but at least the marriage ends and the deception comes out into the open. It’s quite another to continue an affair for weeks, months, even years without addressing the issue of what you intend to do about your life and the lives of those you have involved in your deception.

The thing is seefood, no one can ever see themselves doing it.

Everyone thinks , Oh I woudl just leave if I was unhappy but life s not that simple.

Sometimes you don't even know you're unhappy until you meet someone.

Sometimes life is so full of children, money, jobs, houses etc that it is extremely difficult to just up and leave when things aren't really that bad.
Sometimes meeting someone is the catalyst to change.

And it’s usually the people who say “I never would” who are most likely to cheat because they are often so self assured that they don’t see it coming

Hmmm... maybe. I can only speak for myself, and I’m well aware of the pitfalls of saying that ‘my partner would never..’ I certainly hope he wouldn’t, and I trust him, but I can not control anyone else’s behaviour.

I can control mine though. And I would not have an affair. I’ve ended a long term relationship/engagement because I felt it wasn’t right, I’m able to control myself and I have a strong sense of fairness and guilt if I hurt others. I am as sure as I can be that I would not have an affair,

@ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs 😂😂 exactly what I was thinking !!

There are of course going to be those who never would. But equally there are a lot more who will say ‘I never saw it coming.’

In the same way that not all affairs are simply about sex, many people who say they never would do in fact cheat.

Also, I know a startling amount of people who have been cheated on and then go straight on to become an OW/OM. Always wondered what that was about.

'Those who say they won't cheat are more likely to cheat' just sounds like something you say to yourself to somehow feel vindicated or justified in cheating.

Everyone thinks "Oh I would just leave if I was unhappy" but life's not that simple

I was unhappy in a relationship for a few years. But I didn't cheat.

Sometimes you don't even know you're unhappy until you meet someone

That I can believe. But if you recognise that, you have a decision and a choice to make. I'm unhappy in my relationship - do I work at it, leave it, or shag around? In my opinion, only the first two are respectful choices.

I would say probably most, around 85/90% will have cheated on someone at some point

I don't believe that. Although surely it depends on what people's definition of cheating might be. One drunken kiss and then you pull away? Getting too close to someone emotionally but nothing physical? Or are you talking physical sexual affairs only?

I 'would never' because I have been cheated on, it was hell, and I would never do that to someone that I even vaguely cared about.

20 years ago I had an EA with a work colleague that DH never knew about till the aftermath of his affair. Knowing what I know now I can safely claim that I would never do that again.

The older I get the more I see it happening amongst friends, dds friends parents, etc.

When I was in my 20s I worked in an office, only woman and 15older blokes. Everyone of those blokes apart from one were openly having affairs. I suspect the last one was also having an affair but keeping it quiet.

Now I’m in my 40s like a previous poster said I see a lot of unhappy marriages but people,feel,trapped, too scared to leave, ,,,,and are shagging someone else.

Everyone thinks "Oh I would just leave if I was unhappy" but life's not that simple

It is that simple. It’s not EASY to do but it is that simple.

I left a years long relationship in which I was engaged because I knew it was no longer working and I knew we would make each other miserable. There was no cheating involved, we’d been together a long time and both of us had changed a lot.
I cancelled the wedding and left, and no, it wasn’t easy, at all - had to find somewhere to live, split joint assets and call off a wedding....but it was the decent thing to do. I was unhappy - it wasn’t working, despite trying, and so I left.

I would not have even countenanced having an affair, it’s a terrible betrayal. Even though I no longer loved him in the same way I still respected him.

All the people I know who cheated were genuinely unhappy in their relationships, and felt trapped. small kids, big mortgage, joint friends.
No one wants to start again in their 40s
it's a tough one. Most of the men I know who cheated and stayed, became serial cheaters, always searching for the one thing that was missing, and completely compartmentalising it and thinking that everything at home was ok when it clearly wasnt.
the women I know, generally left because they were in shit marriages.

The people I know, who thus far havent cheated are actually happy people who love each other! go figure!