How many people are having affairs?

[wondering79]

Not looking for praise or vilification and I know what I'm doing is wrong. Speaking to a friend last night (who knows nothing of my situation, haven't told anyone) she told me a mutual friend of ours has been having an affair for 3 months. I asked a few questions and changed the subject, didn't want to mention mine obviously.

But it got me wondering how many other people are having an affair and for how long? Everyones situation is different and not here to judge or be judged, just interested in how common this is?

Mine's been going on for a year.

Thatsquiteenough - in your posts above you say it is impossible to know if your partner has cheated on you and in your next post you say you know your partner hasn't cheated on you? Really, how do you know? Is he telling you how happy he is with you? How much he loves you? Also you think none of your friends have cheated because you only know "nice" people but then you say people don't broadcast affairs. Perhaps they aren't telling you for a reason. You are saying some very contradictory things.

It amazes me how people can live these double lives, meet up with someone for a quick shag, then go pick up the kids, go home, cook dinner then chat away to their other halves as though nothing is untoward. I couldn't handle to stress of living like that, how do they compartmentalise it in their head? I know of a local mum who has been having an affair with someone I know for at least 10 years (and she's had a child in that time too) how does her DH not have any inkling in all that time? But like pp have said not all is black and white in life, no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. All I know is that I couldn't and wouldn't do it (and I've been tempted!).

Pixel sorry, that was me quoting another poster! It's not very clear.

Oh and another aspect of cheating I have noticed is as you reach and travel through your 40's the more common ut seems.
Midlife crisis and Last chance saloon probablt are part of the reason.
I'm mid 40's I would say it was about 8 or 9 years ago I became more and more aware of this sort of thing going on. Early to mid 30's I think I was so nieve I really though most people were happy and stacked up for life.

I wonder how many people who have had an affair have been cheated on themselves?
I also wonder how they felt?
Would it be a double blow in the sense of receiving the emotional hit from the betrayal and then guilt for having realised how the pain feels and that they've inflicted it on others.
It's such a complex shit storm to embark on an affair.

And even knowing that people still do it - in droves seemingly. So either the lure of the forbidden is immensely strong or something is lacking in the marriage or the individual concerned.

Waspsarewankers - I agree. I'm late 30's and agree even up to 6/7 years ago I thought all my friends were happy in their marriages. The older people get the more they realise this is for "the rest of their life". It's a late stage to start again and most have young families now and have just bought homes and settled. I know a few unhappy people but none that are about to do anything about it. Maybe when the children leave home they'll make a move?

I'm not sure there even has to be anything wrong in a marriage though which is the sad part ?

I cheated when I was young for no reason other than I was attracted to the guy . Not going to beat myself up though I was 19 , immature and should never have been in a serious relationship. Iv been cheated on a couple of times aswell .
Iv never been the OW even if Iv had secret crushes ( that stay in my head !) on someone who is "taken" if I thought that they would actually cheat then the crush would be gone Iyswim . Nothing worse than those wanting there cake and to eat it .
Of course some people are miserable in marriages but then do everyone a favour and split up

It’s not easy to “ just split up” in many cases. It doesn’t matter how many examples are presented of people who managed it successfully it doesn’t mean everyone is in the same position. There can often be young kids to consider and childcare, income, housing costs, employment opportunities etc that make it difficult or impossible. None of it makes it right but does go some way to explaining why people stay in okay-ish / unsatisfactory relationships but seek other things elsewhere ( whether that’s sex or emotional support etc)

Affairs aren't always prolonged things with sustained lying though, are they? They can be one-off lapses. I don't set much stock by infidelity statistics either, I know lots of people who had one-off affairs as teenagers but not since. Technically they would be counted as having had an affair, even if entirely monogamous in the intervening years.

If someone has an affair - a proper, drawn out emotional and sexual affair - something IS wrong at home.
How many people honestly have a 100% perfect, lovely relationship in which both partners are besotted with one another 100% of the time, have no gripes ever and are both 100% balanced individuals who are 100% happy with themselves? After 20 or 30 years of being together, let's say?

What exactly does it prove if there is "something wrong at home"?

My friends husband has had an affair he has broken his wife and his children are dismayed by the break down of their mother and immature behaviour of their father.

Good luck to your husband and children as they are going to need it.

My DH and I had a 2 year affair (I was married). We've now been happily married for 11 years. My ex had no idea but then he was too busy telling me what a waste of a marriage I was because I couldn't have children.

I don't regret or apologise for it, it just is

I’ve been having flirtations for a few years. Sexy as fuck. Really perks up your marriage.

I think it’s quite common.

I have been on line dating on and off for 3 years (after splitting with dh) and you will be surprised how many men on there are married, many around the age of 40, they claim to be single, they chat you up, get you into bed and then vanish back to their wives, they wanted to see if the grass was greener on the other side. I have also been approached by several married male friends who would happily cheat on their wives and feel no guilt. For this reason I don’t think I could ever be in another serious relationship, I don’t think I could trust anyone after seeing first hand the lengths men (and probably women) will go too to cheat.

I was always one of those who swore id never cheat. My dad cheated on my mum, my ex had cheated on me, I could see how much it hurt people... but I had a (probably) 6-8 months emotional affair with a colleague. My partner at the time was so abusive, physically and emotionally and I felt so trapped. My colleague was much older and flattered me incessantly, and I was weak and we became intensely close to one another. We both fell completely in love actually, or at least a convincing sort of lust.
He went to kiss me one night, after Friday drinks, and I went home with every intention of breaking up with my partner. As it happened, he punched me in the face that night and I literally ran away from him, and never saw him again.
I'm not proud of what I did, and I still work with said colleague (3 years later) but I'm glad it happened. It made me see that I wasn't completely worthless.

My long winded point being that I completely agree with the posters saying it's simply not black and white... but that I can also understand the views of those who say they'd never do it, because it's so easy to be sure of that when it's not an immediate prospect at that time.

My experience is similar to the above mentioned - people get married , all good, have kiddies , all good for a while then the rot starts to set in , most dangerous time is when kids are teens . Most marriages I know - the men have cheated on the wives at some point. Many split up in later years . I myself was having an affair with a married man for 7 months . He is 51 and was only married a year ( second marriage ) when he started with me . I did not know if that has any relevance . ( It would have to me ) It is certainly "sexy as fuck" but whether it has perked up his marriage I have no idea - I would say no ..who wants a husband who is with another woman the night before they go away on holiday and the day after they get back , who leaves work early to see someone else , who has sex as often as he can with someone else . I have known one woman who had an affair in the midst of all the men I know.

Oak sometimes it takes someone else being nice to us to make us realise the relationship we are in is toxic. Towards the end of my marriage I started going out in the evenings (dh would never let me before but I stood up to him and went anyway), I got chatting to a old male friend, he made me feel atractive and special, my dh always told me I was out of shape and no one else would ever want me, it made me realise that actually other men do find me atractive and can treat me well, I week or so later I split with dh and I slept with the male friend, he made me feel good about myself, it didn’t last long but I’m pleased he made me see the light and I’m glad I left my dh. I now have more confidence and feel much happier with myself after years of being put down and treated like a baby machine. It’s not always black and white but I do beleive that if you fall for someone else you should leave you husband/wife as soon as you can, it’s wrong to cheat on anyone, if you fall for someone else the your marriage is obviously over and you don’t love that person.

Name changed for this:

I've been having what I would have initially described as an EA with a guy from work for nearly 2 months. It started as chatting but it got inappropriate pretty quickly.

My relationship with DP is generally good, though it didn't start off that way. He chased me for a long time while I wasn't interested and probably bordered on being emotionally abusive. A lot has changed and we've been together properly for about 6 years, have a DS and own a house.

I am 99% sure DP won't find out. We all have a lot to lose. I am not proud of this.

I had what I know realise was an EA with a female friend some years ago. My marriage was lacking. I left. I now have a deeply fulfilling relationship in all ways but that connection with my friend opened my eyes. It doesn't have to be sexual.

It is common, there is no doubt about that. But I'm still not sure how anyone can be so blinded by affair not to think about the cruel pain to be inflicted to the betrayed. Life is too short to lead them along, let them make the most of their life too, surely?

Having a really thorough affair requires you to vilify the betrayed person, to justify your actions. Once you have succeeded in seeing the betrayed person as almost non-human you can treat them how you like.

I disagree with that, ravenmum, I don't think the other person comes into the betrayer's mind at all at any point in the affair - other than to make 'assessments', they don't factor.

I certainly don't think that anybody vilifies the betrayed partner, that's an odd thing to say. Why would you see somebody as 'non-human' just because you're cheating on them? You wouldn't.

I understand the hurt of the betrayed person but self-pity and thinking that the betrayer/OW/OM is actively seeking to do you harm is mawkish exaggeration - and it's not accurate so what's the point?

Anybody who has an affair is capable of having another one. Anybody who has not had an affair is capable of having one.