Can't forgive DP's fuck up

[CougheeBean]

DP has always been shit with money. He can't seem to be able to figure out how much he spends in relation to what he earns. We only have a joint account for bills and a small pot of (my) savings with the understanding that he may only 'borrow' from the savings account when there are issues with his pay, as I was becoming stressed with him asking to borrow money from me every few months.

It's all gone. We won't even have enough to pay rent and bills next week - not without me subsidising by several hundred pounds from my own savings. He's spent all of the savings. Half of what I contributed to the bills this month. And everything he's earned.

I have been under so much stress and we argued yesterday over him failing to offer any help, either practically or financially (we have had a very expensive problem this month, my savings are in tatters - he hasn't contributed a thing). I guess now I know why.

I can't believe he's been so selfish and greedy. That was never his money to spend. It was a gesture so that he wouldn't have to beg and grovel for bus money when his pay was messed up. He's nothing but a man child and I have never been so disappointed in him. We spoke about this last month - when the situation wasn't as bad. I offered to contribute more towards bills as long as he promised to repay what he owes me. He spent more. And he spent the extra £200 I put towards bills, it's gone. I don't get paid again for 3 weeks.

There's no coming back from this, is there.

Let him suffer. Pay the necessary bills, rent/mortgage, council tax etc and leave him to work out how he can get to work with no petrol or pay for his football club etc.
He will only learn to handle money if he learns that having no money makes life hard.
Have no treats, snacks, beers etc in, if he has to go without there is a possibility he will learn a lesson.

Be careful he doesn't start selling your belongings OP!

That's not fair Cuboidal, I've moved in to rented properties before where there are already prepayment meters fitted and the landlord was not willing to have them removed.

The fact that the OP has prepay meters is no indication of her ignoring situations like this before.

OP can you contact the landlord and explain the situation to get his/her help in getting him out and keeping him out?

We're on PAYG electric because it's a rented flat and that's what's installed - not because I miss payments!

Be careful about him running up debts. Can you do a credit check to make sure you don't already have debts in your name?

Give him until tomorrow, then you need to stop worrynig about the pet's stress levels and have the argument and spell out your relationship has now ended, no more chances, he doesn't get to talk his way out of it.

Still can't go over why someone would stay with a partner who has lost that number of jobs as it clearly shows what sort of person they are. Any reasonable person would have left after he'd lost 5 or 6 as the pattern would clearly have started to emerge

I'd be up for taking a male friend or two round this evening and getting him out then and there. What if he trashes the place in your absence then clears off with you not having a clue where to find him?

This man is a luxury you can't afford.

Can you get someone - dad, brother, male friend - to go round there with you tonight and tell him to be on his way or you'll call the police and have him thrown out? Landlord even if you square it with him that you'll be sole occupier now?

Cuboidal dont talk rot. Many rental places have payg meters often they are in the house before you move in and you cant get them changed.
What a huge assumption to make about op. And sneery doesnt come close to describing your post.

close the joint account .. open another account in another Bank lady

OP - I’m late to this thread, but you are definitely doing the right thing. My ExP was very similar - lazy, cocklodger but a ‘nice’ guy, charming. I have a child with him so stuck unfortunately having to be civil , obviously I get no maintenance, and he swans in and out, now living off new girlfriend- until she wises up to being a mug like me!
Hope you manage to get him out quickly. It’ll be much less stressful for you living by yourself.

"realistically I'll have to starve him out"
"He's a "nice" guy. The kind of person whose mum says 'he'd never do anything to hurt anyone, he's just got his head in the clouds bless him'."

Are you sure his mum wont start subsidising him with food?
It worries me that hes claiming it wasnt his fault, thats a level of delusion that seems like more than just gaslighting. How on earth does he think you'd believe that? Does HE really believe that reality is so different than it is?

i once lived with someone and we had a joint account that I paid into. They moved out, and unbeknown to me kept taking money out of the joint account AND ran it to £300 overdrawn which I was then liable for. It's not as easy as just closing an account - I had to pay the overdraft to close it.

Just so you know, you are very unlikely to get anywhere with the theft argument. I appreciate that you may use it as an extra threat to get him out though, that is fine.

My ex appropriated my bank card details while he was still living in my house. Some time after I'd got rid of him his then gf wrote to me alerting me to the fact that he was siphoning small amounts of money out of my account. I didn't notice fgs!

Long, long story short-even after we split, and with witness evidence, the CPS would not prosecute. There was a two year investigation into the crime, but nothing came of it.

Two things strike me from the information you've given:

1. He can't move money from your sole account to a joint account. If it's linked to the joint account then he may well need to be removed from the savings account too.

2. Are you sure he wasn't stashing money into his sole account, thinking that the gravy train was coming up to his stop? It just niggled when you said it was going from the joint account to his account.

Good luck!

Can CAB help with this?

It should be quite straightforward for him to leave if he's not on the agreement, but if the police let you down last time you need more support.

Unless you approach the police again and forewarn them...? I can't see why it's less hassle for them to just tell him what's what.

Personally I would tell the bank that this money was transferred from your savings without consent and I would have him prosecuted for theft.
The very next time he leaves the house, bolt the doors and get an emergency locksmith the change the locks.
He is not a nice man with his head in the clouds - he is a liar and a thief. Nice men do not refuse to leave someone else's house!

He can't move money from your sole account to a joint account

Depressingly many couples share (a) PINs for cards (b) physical access to cards and (c) online banking login details, "for convenience". So in those households, which I get the impression are worryingly common, he can log on as the OP and precisely transfer money from a sole name account to the joint account, even if he can't transfer it direct from the OP's sole name account to his own.

Flipping heck. Can you change the WiFi code to “fuckoffyouspongingcocklodgerihateyou”.

Loads of rental properties have pre payment meters either key or card. It's in most circumstances nothing to do with debt although it is used for tenancies that do have fuel debt.

Cough can you drop the pet at the friend you were thinking of staying at then it's safe while you go back and get him out?

Also unless I'm missing something if the savings account was in your name only surely him removing funds is fraud?

All you have described shows an overall picture that being the bumbling nice guy or having dyslexia or dyspraxia doesn't fit or explain all of it.
The way he emotionally manipulated you last time when the police were called very much do not fit with how you have described him.
He might seem nice but it seems only when he get to do or behave in anyway he wants, out with those circumstances though he doesn't sound nice at all!

Best thing is to stay with him and have a stressful life looking over your shoulder and watching the bank like a hawk. You do not appear to want to actually DO anything, there's the pet, there's Mum, there's him staying there tonight when anything could happen. HE could change the locks, HE could clean out your accounts, HE will more than likely lose the current job. He has no intention of going anywhere else.

Are you in a bit of denial here or what OP? What advice would you prefer, stay and work it out, or pack him up and leave?

You sound very enabling to me, sorry if that sounds harsh, but you seem to be an intelligent person holding down a good job, hooked up with someone who has lost so many jobs I cannot for the life of me figure out how he got subsequent employment!

You are selling yourself short I think. Who in their right mind would want to be with a serial job loser like him, surely alarm bells would have rung after job three say.

Best of luck. This situation is not improving at all, just getting worse. I think you know what needs to be done, and I hope you succeed in getting him out of your life for good.

Gosh Coughee I would be leaving him pronto, this is a big baby you have on your hands, this would be very off putting to me, and I am bad with money, but not this bad noway. I have dyslexia and dyscalculia and I can see what he is failing to see, and know when we have a shortfall. Thank god dh is extremely sensible and has his feet firmly on the ground.

Thank you to all who answered my question re pre-pay meters.

An interesting concept! Usually here if there's a 'credit problem' they just make you put down a huge deposit.