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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can't forgive DP's fuck up

313 replies

CougheeBean · 26/03/2018 13:03

DP has always been shit with money. He can't seem to be able to figure out how much he spends in relation to what he earns. We only have a joint account for bills and a small pot of (my) savings with the understanding that he may only 'borrow' from the savings account when there are issues with his pay, as I was becoming stressed with him asking to borrow money from me every few months.

It's all gone. We won't even have enough to pay rent and bills next week - not without me subsidising by several hundred pounds from my own savings. He's spent all of the savings. Half of what I contributed to the bills this month. And everything he's earned.

I have been under so much stress and we argued yesterday over him failing to offer any help, either practically or financially (we have had a very expensive problem this month, my savings are in tatters - he hasn't contributed a thing). I guess now I know why.

I can't believe he's been so selfish and greedy. That was never his money to spend. It was a gesture so that he wouldn't have to beg and grovel for bus money when his pay was messed up. He's nothing but a man child and I have never been so disappointed in him. We spoke about this last month - when the situation wasn't as bad. I offered to contribute more towards bills as long as he promised to repay what he owes me. He spent more. And he spent the extra £200 I put towards bills, it's gone. I don't get paid again for 3 weeks.

There's no coming back from this, is there.

OP posts:
SpringNowPlease2018 · 26/03/2018 18:07

OP "Yes we share a log in for online banking because he never bothered to verify himself "

I mean this kindly, but you share a log in because YOU set it up that way.

I've said it before on MN and I'll say it again - broken hearts heal. Broken finances don't, unless you're a banker or trader or some such.

Money should be heavily protected, much more heavily than anything else apart from your sanity really. So whatever you do next - do not cross over finances.

inmyshoos · 26/03/2018 18:35

Jeez feel your pain. I was married to someone who sounds very similar. Never accepted any responsibility, forgets conversations when it suits them etc. For years I was torn between thinking he was really sly and manipulative or that he was really thick. He too was 'let go' from a job due to gross misconduct and when I read the minutes of the meeting with his bosses discussing this, it was such an eye opener. Finally another adult who could see his senseless approach to things, poor decision making and lack of ability to get anything done/prioritise. It was like a huge relief.
We have been separated for 18mnths and my only regret is putting up with his behaviour for 12 years.
Fwiw he was heartbroken, devastated until he very quickly met the next mug to fall for his 'big laid back softy' persona. He now doesn't even try and communicate with me despite us having dc together. And when I dare call him out on not seeing/being bothered about his dc he tells me he won't tolerate my abuse Hmm Life is infinitely better without him.

honeylulu · 26/03/2018 18:37

FFS get him out and quick before you go on your trip abroad. He will RUIN your credit rating/ ability to rent if you do come back to the UK. As other PP have indicated he doesn't have any automatic right to remain in occupation. The term is "excluded occupier" ie he only can remain while you are still a tenant AND if you permit him.

OP you sound awesome: a successful, sorted and kind woman. But he's had enough chances now.

He might seem well meaning but bumbling/hapless but i think you know deep down he knows what he's doing. You refer to him being sly in his youth. You know deep down he still is - he's just got more sly at concealing it!

Jux · 26/03/2018 18:47

Basically, he has no right to be there without your permission. He's like a visitor, when you tell him it's time to go it IS time to go. You could call the police to remove him as you would if a stranger or ONS had decided yo hang about against your will.

I like your plan for tomorrow.

GabsAlot · 26/03/2018 18:55

just kick him out?

he cant afford it there anyway

CarolineForbes · 26/03/2018 19:09

OP it’s like reading about my ex. Very eerie actually - the bumbling nice guy, spends all the money, loses jobs, tells lies, takes no personal responsibility, I imagine more lies will surface once you’ve broken up like they did for me. The stealing went a lot worse in my case - he’d been stealing thousands from his job! I found that out much later though - when he was caught and fired (and knew he couldn’t hide it) he ‘came clean’ and said he’d only been stealing about £20 a shift. I found out later the night he was caught he has thousands on him. God knows what he was spending it on!

My only advice is get him out and never speak to him again. You are doing the right thing.

sportyfool · 26/03/2018 19:14

Blimey , he sounds awful . Hope your pet is ok OP .

Starlighter · 26/03/2018 19:20

Nope. Run for the hills. You can’t build a future with this selfish man-child.

Bluntness100 · 26/03/2018 19:24

Op, where is he now? Why does he not know it's over?

CotswoldStrife · 26/03/2018 19:47

I'm thinking from what other posters on the thread have said that this is a recurring theme from you, OP. It's up to you but you could stop all this tonight.

I hope your pet is comfortable.

lolaflores · 26/03/2018 19:49

He could be buying scratchcards For the lottery? Might explain 75 quid at WH Smith.

Bluntness100 · 26/03/2018 19:53

It's up to you but you could stop all this tonight

This. All I hear is I will do this, I might do that.

Seriously, who the fuck can be attracted to a man they pay for, who steals from them and spends all their money, who can't hold down a job, who lies when caught and pretends to be below metal capacity to function independantly as an adult, who treats you with such utter contempt he knows you'll just keep on keeping him. No matter what he does to you. Like his mum, but even she got rid.

Op. Have some self respect. And just do this.

DancesWithOtters · 26/03/2018 22:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

marchonto2018 · 26/03/2018 22:39

Sounds like my ex. Loony clueless and leechy.

He took the piss out of me on our first Xmas together for not buying decorations. Who then ran out of money by mid Jan and needed subbing? Angry

Wish I'd learnt my lesson but he never changed.

19lottie82 · 27/03/2018 00:24

I’m not excusing him in the slightest. But knowing someone is absolutely crap with money and has no spending control...... why on earth would you give him access to your joint savings account, saying he could borrow money from it in emergencies? Confused surely that’s just a recipe for disaster?

19lottie82 · 27/03/2018 00:31

Sounds like you’ve done the right got hung though OP, I hope you’ve followed through. You will feel like a huge weight has been lifted from your shoulders!

19lottie82 · 27/03/2018 00:31

Got hung? Thing! Stupid iPhone

ReanimatedSGB · 27/03/2018 01:16

Good luck with getting rid of this selfish, lazy, thieving wankstain.

StylishMummy · 27/03/2018 05:56

How are things OP?

Penfold007 · 27/03/2018 07:32

OP you really need to take control of this situation. Currently he is in a position to do a lot of damage to your finances and credit rating. Freeze the joint account today, neither of you will have access but he won't be able to overdraw the account either. Change all your PIN numbers. You need him out of the flat long before you go abroad, any damage or bills he runs up will be your responsibility.
If your serious about extending your trip abroad give notice on the flat today and end the tenancy.
You are self aware enough to acknowledge that you enable his life choices so please protect yourself.

Original poster
CougheeBean · 27/03/2018 09:49

Pet died last night. I'm distraught. Wouldn't let "D"P touch me or him. He went cold in my arms. P signed the paperwork. He's leaving today. I don't think I can afford cremation now that I'll be coping alone. My spare money this month is already in my ISA I can't get it back. If he sticks to the payment plan we'll talk when I'm back from my holiday, if he sticks to it he will have paid back half by then. I don't know or care if he will, I'm done.

OP posts:
3luckystars · 27/03/2018 09:53

Sorry for your loss.
Just to be clear you have broken up but have made him sign something that he will pay you back what he has stolen.
When he has finished paying you then is he gone for good?

I’m so sorry about your pet but glad they are not suffering any more. Best wishes and strength to you x

honeylulu · 27/03/2018 09:53

Oh OP I'm so sorry. RIP pet.

fresh · 27/03/2018 09:53

I'm so sorry about your pet Flowers. Save your energy for yourself and don't waste any more of it on "D"P.

Avasarala · 27/03/2018 09:54

I am so sorry you had to go through that with all this hanging over you. It's just awful.

Well done for staying strong and not folding or allowing him to manipulate you.

Stay strong; you've done the right things and it will get better.