Can't forgive DP's fuck up

[CougheeBean]

DP has always been shit with money. He can't seem to be able to figure out how much he spends in relation to what he earns. We only have a joint account for bills and a small pot of (my) savings with the understanding that he may only 'borrow' from the savings account when there are issues with his pay, as I was becoming stressed with him asking to borrow money from me every few months.

It's all gone. We won't even have enough to pay rent and bills next week - not without me subsidising by several hundred pounds from my own savings. He's spent all of the savings. Half of what I contributed to the bills this month. And everything he's earned.

I have been under so much stress and we argued yesterday over him failing to offer any help, either practically or financially (we have had a very expensive problem this month, my savings are in tatters - he hasn't contributed a thing). I guess now I know why.

I can't believe he's been so selfish and greedy. That was never his money to spend. It was a gesture so that he wouldn't have to beg and grovel for bus money when his pay was messed up. He's nothing but a man child and I have never been so disappointed in him. We spoke about this last month - when the situation wasn't as bad. I offered to contribute more towards bills as long as he promised to repay what he owes me. He spent more. And he spent the extra £200 I put towards bills, it's gone. I don't get paid again for 3 weeks.

There's no coming back from this, is there.

he’s boozing as well as/or gambling. bringing booze home and pouring drinks so you don’t notice he smells of alcohol.

source: recovering alcoholic. used to do the daily race to get XH to have a drink with me, to get some alcohol legitimately on my breath so it wouldn’t be obvious i’d had a drink already. i honestly don’t know why else he’s doing this particular thing.

i mean, it’s an irrelevance since he doesn’t live with you any more, but that behaviour rang a little bell with me.

Yes you need to find a time when you know he will be out and then go and reclaim your house and change the locks straight away.

OP I do understand that a PAYG meter is not always evidence of, ahem, payment problems. My post ^^ seems to indicate otherwise!

Yes check your credit file to make sure nothing has been taken out in your name.

Another thing....if you do decide to go the 'change the locks' route be sure you let the landlord know immediately AND provide him with the new keys as well as the old barrel and keys. And let him know that exP does NOT live there and he's not to give him the new key.

I'd probably go with the 'better to ask for forgiveness than permission' and change the barrels first. If the LL gets pissy, you can always change them back.

I hope he doesn't change the locks on you!!!

This is a non negotiable situation. Bring a friend if this makes things easier and you firmer. And then you block him from your life, because you have to as you are way to kind to be trusted by yourself.

He is playing with your finances and mental health, future.. He isn't nice at all.

Random

Didn't even think of that!

Nope, totally fair, I've enabled him. We were young and hopeless when we met, but I grew up and he never really did. It's a slap in the face to have clawed my way to where I am now, dragging him up with me, just for him to piss all over it all.

It's a really crappy time to have to leave him but that doesn't mean I won't do it, I'm just exhausted. This could be a big new start - sadly this could be pet's last week but I have a long haul flight in 6 weeks and I'm considering not using the return..... tonight I think I need good friends, alcohol and some fluffy cuddles from pet. I have a banging headache already and no interest in a blubbering man baby trying to drag me into his blameless fantasy land today

He can change the locks if he wants, I can open the door with a credit card

I've told him we can 'talk' somewhere neutral tomorrow (get him to sign these documents) and in the meantime my pals will be waiting for me at home with a bag of his stuff ready to back me up when I let him know he isn't welcome.

He's been sacked from 100 jobs? Was that a typo?
Seems like you have been excusing his awful behaviour for a long time. Why? What will make you finally get rid?

OP, he might trash the flat while you are away and it will have to be deducted from YOUR deposit. If he has no money for food he will end up selling your belongings. You have to return unexpectedly when he is not at the flat and change the locks or install an additional one?

If he refuses to go do the following:
Pretend that everything is fine, you have forgiven him due to his ....charm and arrange for an evening out after work. Arrange to meet him directly after work somewhere out. While he is out and phones asking why you are late answer that you are preparing a surprise eviction treat which is taking longer as the shops are busy. With him having called you are sure that he has gone to the agreed place (preferably somewhere far). In the meanwhile you have gone to the flat with a person whom you hired to install a new lock.

The problem is that you might end up staying with him instead of leaving seeing that you have already put up with so much.

Late to the thread but
I don't see how he is accessing your savings if they are in sole name , even if attached to a joint account. I have had a savings account attached to a joint account for years and my husband cannot access it. Something is wrong there , suggest asking the bank- he may have pulled a fast one.
I have a dyslexic son with some dypraxia. He is very good with money, even though he needs to total things up on his phone. He may not always be sure the day a bill needs to be paid but he knows how much is to be paid and what he has in the bank, so do not let him use that as an excuse.
He has realised you are his meal ticket and you are right to get him to go but it will not be easy.

Have you spoken to your landlord OP?

Good plans my lovely!

That one way trip could be the start of an amazing new life.

How much notice do you need to give on the flat?

I really am sorry about Fluffy Pet, it’s heartbreaking, but you’re doing your best to make their time good now, it’s all you can do.

Ok, OP has better plans!!

I have a sole name account, and we have two joint accounts, all with the same bank and have online banking, unless dh logs in with my details he does not see the sole name account.

So maybe that's why OPs eejitspender has access to the savings, sometimes it's easier just to use the same details/laptop

Yes we share a log in for online banking because he never bothered to verify himself but I've now changed all the details and he's not set up for phone banking so the account is now safe from his grubby hands!

He probably does think I will take him back which is why I'm pretty confident he won't trash the flat - honestly I think if he was going to, he'd wait until I'm watching anyway

I can see people are baffled about the jobs. I've known him a long time and short contracts are the norm in his industry, I probably should have said 'let go' rather than 'fired'. He definitely has been fired a lot due to chronic lateness but on some occasions it may not have been his fault (I don't always believe him but as long as he found a new job swiftly I tried not to care too much)

I have skimmed this thread; I cannot understand how any bank can allow someone not named on an account to make any transactions on it. If this was me I would be walking into/telephoning the bank to demand back the money they have allowed to be taken fraudulently from my account, and if they wanted to press charges, I would more than happily provide them with all the information they need.
Get him out and change the locks, if he won't go, call the police.

OP I don’t know if you realised but a common reason he won’t put the money in his own account and uses the joint is because his own account is probably badly overdrawn

If he didn't go to work, is there a chance he has already been fired?
He is a lying gaslighter.

I cannot understand how any bank can allow someone not named on an account to make any transactions on it.

Because idiots share their bank logins. If you phone up the bank and say "my partner has been using my login to operate my accounts for some months, but now I've changed my mind" they are unlikely to be helpful. How is the bank supposed to distinguish between two people, one named on the account and one not, both in possession of all the login information? Some banks need you to use a card reader and PIN...unfortunately, a lot of people share their PINs too.

When does your lease come to an end?
How much notice to you have to give?

I wouldn't want to live there anymore as I'd want a fresh start where he couldn't effect my credit rating or claim any 'rights' either legally or morally. You can bet your life he'll do the 'poor me' I'll have nowhere to live routine. Well tough, he should have thought of that before he spent the rent money!

Does his mother live nearby? Can you drop all his stuff there?

I know its a shitty time, but once he is out of your life I bet you will feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders.

Hope your pet is doing okay.

This sounds just like my exh (notice the ex bit) for exactly this reason. It wasn't joint money it was technically his but I was spending all my money on things for both of us but he was pissing his god knows where he couldn't wouldn't tell me anything. He paid bills mortgage etc but that was it - didn't see why he should use money towards our lives it was all HIS. Nearly 2 years later as far as I know he's exactly the same but with a new girlfriend now and our DS misses out! Best thing I ever did tho if you can manage on your own imo I would do that. Good luck OP