GLAM & FAB TOUR - MEMBERS MEETING POINT!!!

[Ifonlyhewould]

Hi Ladies

Hope you don't mind, ive started this thread to save hijacking the thread of others.

I thought we could use it to attract attention of the other members if needed or whatever

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Paddle I lurk on here occasionally to find out whats up with you!!! Assumed you don't want to discuss so haven't asked but don't worry about "burdening" if you do want to talk, I don't know him and therefore have no emotion about it and therefore I don't find the topic particularly burdensome (if that makes sense). I do have some experience though having a dickhead father (and to a certain extent a dickhead brother though perhaps to a lesser degree).

Maybe, just maybe, you still love him and want it all to work out, for him to come back one day and stay.

Maybe, all this 'talk' is you just guarding your heart.

I can 'hear' what you are saying but I can't say that I 'feel' that you mean it

But i second what Dior says, please do stop putting yourself down. You are doing your best in a very difficult situation. xx

PC, maybe you should try something yto help your mood. Youve been far more accomadating and forgiving than most would have been, and I mean that in a positive way, as youre trying to make things work.

And you dont sound like a crap mother at all. You wont make the mistakes your Mum did, your relationship with DD sounds very good.

MLS, so sad your DS asks for his Dad. One of the advantages of having a P who works shifts, DD used to go days without really seeing him anyway.

Nice to hear from the rest of you. has anyone heard from OSJ, or has she name changed again and I didnt notice?

feeling quite sad this eve
Have had UTI pregnancy racing by (14-15 weeks now) and still no decisions and not a lot of talking - know we can't just carry on like this....

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macdoodle

how are you feeling today? has anything changed at all? has ow had the baby yet?

PC I think you're doing amazingly well. I really do. I have let H go, and accepted his actions, and tell myself minute by minute what an arse he's been and how he doesn't deserve me. But deep down I still hope the day will come when he sorts himself out and can prove to me that he can be the husband and father I thought he was. Anyone who knows me knows that I just will not give up on this marriage without a bloody good fight!

Doesn't mean that in the meantime I can't have some fun, focus on myself, and make myself and ds happy. I was fighting a losing battle trying to help H. The only person who can help him is himself!
Part of me thinks that if he ever wants to come back I will hopefully be at the stage where I won't want him. But I'm not ready to admit full defeat just yet either!!

i would bet my gel bra that he will be back! xx

lol forgot about the gel bra!

you must be very certain if you're willing to bet that!!

I have nights out planned on Friday and Saturday this week... may have to invest in one myself!!

Go for it!! Get em hoisted up under you chin and enjoy the effect

FWIW, i think when H has done all his spending and settling and he is left with this HUGE gap in his life that the spending temporarily filled, and he has nothing left but himself and the odd hour or two with his DS, the enormity of what he has thrown away will hit him. thats when he will try worming his way back into your affections (and your gel bra )

morning everyone

dior, please don't worry, i didn't take it as being horrible at all.

QC, thanks mate. appreciate you hunting me down and checking up on me.

everyone's words really do mean a great deal to me and i appreciate it.

i guess part of my problem in accepting the situation is the constant mixed messages i get from H.

MLS, i know it must be really hard to keep seeing your H when he visits ds but at least he maintains contact with his child and continues to communicate with you. i am sure it's at a reduced level but at least you can rely on him to help you parent your little boy.

h even said at the weekend that he can't understand how he can stay away from dd when he's with her. but he is the grand master at burying his head, staying in denial and refusing to acknowledge what he's doing.

i have tried telling him i don't care about our relationship but that he has to be a daddy to dd. doesn't have any effect, he's to busy concentrating on feeling like shit!

morning all just to let you know i had my scan and am breathing a sigh of relief, alls well and more importantly there's only one
Off to work now, hope all ok, will catch up later x

Great news. Thanks for letting us know

thats lovely lily. Don't work too hard! xx

can I just gate-crash again? Sorry can't resist.

To those of you struggling to let go, a story...

My dad left my mum after being married 35 years and together longer about 10 years ago. They had ben having some problmes and had a little counselling which seemed to be helping. My Dad wanted to sell-up and move into rented accomodation closer to us children. My mum was thankfully sensible enough to relaise that the hosue was a big part of her financial security and refused so she agreed to move if they bought a house. All continued well for a few months when he didn't come home from work one day and pretty much (with a few half-hearted attempts) has not been an active part of the family since. He didn't leave a note for her even but a phone message on my sisters answerphone! After 35 yrs!

A few months later he decided it had all been a terrible mistake and wanted to come back. My mum agreed that he could start by taking her out for evenings then they moved to weekends, all went well until one evening when he decided that he was right in the first place and sodded off again (permanently this time). He subsequently divorced my mum on the grounds of "unreasonable behaviour"!!!!

The sense of betrayal she has is huge and I don't think she will ever forgive him - she was just coming up for retirement and had a comfortable life. Suddenly her whole world was turned upside down and she had to start again at 58. She learnt how to put petrol in teh car (!), bought her own car, bought her own flat, renovated it and paid for it all on her own.

However...

10 years on she will tell anyone that she has a good life and that she likes living alone though she never thought she would say it. She is more independent and has many more friends than she had before (because she has more time for them), and is closer to my sister and I (again because she has more time for us).

I would say it took at least 2 years and maybe up to 4/5 before she reachd the stage where if he turned up on the doorstep she wouldn't have taken him back. She said that her subsequently cancer was no harder to deal with than her marriage breakup.

You are all in the very early stages of this - you should all be much kinder to yourselves about your ambivalent feelings towards your (once dear) husbands. The fact that you find it hard to let go is a much better reflection on your emotional maturity than their apparent ability to let go is on theirs.

Wow thanks for that Kewcumber. Really made me think.

I do agree that you can't turn off your feelings overnight and it's going to take so much time to come to terms with it all. I read somewhere that it takes at least 1 month, for every year that you have been with someone, to fully get over them... can you all really put up with me for another couple of years?!!

YES!!

Feeling better physically UTI clearing and sickness setling bump showing and feeling more positive about pregnancy OW still not had baby yet and (D)H will NOT talk about what he is going to do ???
But had a meeting with my financial advisor this morning and now ? ? .....basically if bloody arse of a fuckwit H had not fucked up our lives for the sake of a shag and making his poor macho self esteem better...we could potentially be mortgage free and have money to refurbish our house and pay off some debts (we own a few other properties as well as H shop and the one next door to it).....NOW I will probably have to remortgage (bigger) by myself to refurb and make some space before baby born...he can barely support himself and probably not run shop and business without my help...so we are going to have to sell some property and try and cut outgoings so he can manage without me without losing business (which I would rather he didn't as is DD and unborn DC future too)...so all our wonderful plans our bright future out plans to make sure DC will have good secure lives all gone up because he couldn't/wouldn't talk to me preferred some mindless blonde bimbo to sooth his stupid ego.....in some ways I feel more desolate now as I see my future that we both worked so hard for lying in ruins ....I do't think I will ever be able to fix our marriage and really can't be arsed to try any more he will never be the man I want him to or the one I thought he was

Morning all!

Seems like ages since I was last on MN, have had computer problems

How is everyone? Have had very quick skim through here so far. PC, sorry things are crap again, will MSN you later this evening if you're around?

Dior, thanks for your email. How are you? Really hope you're feeling better..

MLS, Glad you had a great holiday with ds! Sure it seems like ages ago now and reality sounds not too great. Hang in there it will get better.

Things here much the same, starting to feel quite down now as we seem to have drifted back to the way things were. Got my best mate coming over from Ireland next week to visit for a few days so getting very excited about that as don't get to see her very often!
Can't stop this morning so will try and catch up properly with you all very soon. Thinking of everyone

osj great to hear from you

macdoodle so you really do have so much to cope with. I'm going through a lot of the same emotions. Dreams gone. Feels like life in ruins all because of his selfishness. I just keep thinking that I now have to make myself happy. With or without him. I think you need to do that too. I wish I had some answers for you.

Just remember though, you may have to re-mortgage, sell properties etc. And you may not be in the stable, mortgage-free position you hoped. But this is not your fault and you can't change what he's done. Remember that at least you are in the lucky position of having the properties, having a home, and having some options. Although they are not the options you thought you had

As my mum said yesterday, if you and your children are healthy, then that's the most important thing. Out of that, you can make your own happiness

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MLS I am sorry in retrospect I guess my post was a bit thoughtless when so many here have lost everything including husbands and have to start over...I am grateful that I have a good job can support myself and can stay in my home.....I know I am so much luckier than others in same situation...it wasn't so much the loss of finances and property etc...as just the practicalities of seeing OUR joint dreams and aspirations lying in tatters, the reality of seeing what could have been and what he destroyed...it somehow made it seem so much more real...didn't want to make anyone feel bad

macdoodle - absolutely nothing to apologise for. You have every right to feel the way you do and after everything you've been through it's no wonder you are feeling that way. I completely understand how losing all the dreams that you had for yourselves as a couple and a family is devastating beyond belief. I completely understand.

Was just trying, in my own clumsy way, to find some positives for you to help you feel a bit better.
In the midst of all of this it's hard to find anything positive to say isn't it

How are you anyway?

I managed to have a really nice weekend. 2 really good nights out with friends and lots of laughing - much needed! Just missing him like crazy though. And still in shock that it's really happened. But was nice to get out and forget about it all, even if only for a few hours!

Morning everyone , a day off today
Glad you had a good weekend MLS , friends are always a good tonic aren't they ?

hi lilyloo - yes don't know where I'd be without my mates! Saturday we went to an 80's club and I can safely say I haven't laughed so much in years! They made a special effort to come home to take me out and it was the first time we've all been together in months. Just so so funny! My stomach muscles are still aching today!