Support and Wisdom at the Crown Cafe (NC Part 10)

[Basseting]

welcome to all going / maintaining No Contact
for whatever reason. Support, advice, wisdom and fun available here.
(and virtual coffee and cake too).

And if you ever see a book in the shops (I wish!) with that plot....
Copyright is MINE!

Mine is:

Girl meets boy at 17. Instant connection and hand holding but nothing happens because girl is with someone else. Fast forward 5yrs and they meet up by chance and kiss. They go out for 18mths and girl dumps boy because he's not making an effort. Girl regrets this and sends him a letter. Boy ignores the letter and girl gets on with her life. Boy realises after 1 yr that he's made a terrible mistake and tells girl. Girl tells him it's too late and they both go their separate ways and marry someone else.

17yrs later they meet by chance again and the connection is still there. Boy has a gf and girl is in unhappy marriage with separation on the horizon. Boy contacts girl initially friendly, then expresses regrets and then propositions girl to a night in hotel. Girl says no. Messaging continues back and forth with boy starting to get deep and girl pulling back. Girl gets more and more confused and calls him up on it and he goes AWOL. Girl goes NC.

Girl walks away with dignity intact and boy once again mourns the loss of a lovely lady. Girl moves forward into the unknown with a kick ass attitude and a great new bunch of MN friends

I LOVE THESE STORIES!!!!

Loving your stories ladies especially the endings!

Marley it is brutal, sorry you saw that. She might not be gorgeous though really.

Hi all! How are we doing?

Day ... 11 for me and STRUGGLING!!!!! Can anyone advise me on what to do?

Basically our last conversation was me going mental then eventually 2/3 messages of actual conversation where I managed to get him to admit to not being perfect (for once) but obviously I had to admit to 3 things for the 1 he admitted to if you see what I mean? Then he just vanished and I’ve not heard from him since. He said over and over again for 6 weeks/2 months that he definitely wanted to meet up and talk and not just leave it but was ‘too busy having dinner at night’ (ok then ...) so obviously I doubted the sentiment of that statement. I had said over and over again as I have in the past many times that THIS WAS IT THIS TIME ... and he will cling to that, he will say oh I didn’t message you cos you said that was it. So ... do I wait till day 30 or 60 and message him or leave it? My situation has changed slightly in that my OH has moved out and I’d be so sad if one day I found out he’d ended up single and met someone else cos he didn’t know I was or something like that. Should I just wait a bit longer (OH only moved out this week) and just message and say wanted you to know blah blah blah ... or leave it? Thoughts?

Omg even talking about messaging him makes me want to do it but I know I can’t right now. Not until at least day 30 I think xx

anon it just takes time I am afraid , one day at a time ...reconsider at Day 30 ?

So difficult really struggling today your posts are all so inspiring. Sometimes the horrible fear of being alone again swamps me but I need to realise I'm not happy and he makes me feel so shit

Something I have learnt is to not text when i am in that desperate mood. I always read it back the next day and cringe. Sit on your hands if you can. Or post here what you want to say.

Day 36 NC.

So have got to a point where want to text NC. He dumped me, but this relationship could work, so NC for me is not about getting out of a toxic relationship forever.

I have 3 ideas. 1) Text him friendly ‘how are you’ message. I do accept we’re probably done, and a bit if me thinks he’s ruined it now anyway. So trying to not care what response is. May be nothing. I would try not to chase him. Realise this is risky, but may help me give up hope and move on. May make me a mess again.

2. Continue NC forever. Most friends advise this. He’s made a mistake, he may come crawling back, move on whatever, not my problem.

3. Staying NC, send back stuff he gave me. Everything he gave me is in a box in my wardrobe - candles, underwear, necklace which I used to wear all the time. I wondered about just sending it all back with a note saying ‘you can have this, I will never use/wear it again so thought I’d return it’. Think he’d be quite shocked. I honestly don’t mind returning it because all that is true. Maybe I’ll get sentimental one day and regret it, but think I’ll be ok. Clearly this is just to provoke a reaction/response - not a healthy declutter and move on action.

Despite option 3) above I’m tired of wondering, waiting, game playing and just want to move on. If it’s not going to work out at least I know (painful as it may be). Don’t want to regret never having tried.

Long post - sorry what do people think?

ravens you are obviously confused by this ...it is also obvious that you would care what the response is although you say you're "probably done "and "he's ruined it now anyway" . However it seems that you are still needing to have one final go so if you are prepared for no response then do so . You say you will regret it if you don't try so have a go ?

As oldbrook says you have been thinking about this for a while . Do it and get it over with - otherwise you are just hanging on and delaying . Perhaps you are delaying because you while you don't do this , you feel as if there is still a "relationship" and you fear that you will get no response ?

It sounds like you are not ready to accept Option 2 yet .

Option 3 - you can do so or chuck the box in the bin. TBH I don't think men "get" this kind of message .

Good luck and I hope it turns out how you want but do NOT go back to the same situation which led to NC in the first place . x

@oldbrook nothing is more important than our healing... That's so true. I as I am sure many of us feel.. Have totally lost myself. He has broken me. I am a single mum with a young son and full time job... I have to get better. I cannot let this idiotic selfish twat ruin me.... I am 47....not 17....I am heading for total NC again.....

Ravens sell what you can in the box or charity shop it. That part of your life is over now. Keep something in a memory box if you like for finding in years to come when you can look back fondly and without pain. I used to send stuff back as a teenager and cringe now when I think about it. It says I was childish and petty and bitter. I was, but I was 16 in my defence. Don't contact him at all. There's no reason to. He's got your number and if he wanted to be in touch he would be. Contacting him shows him he's got power over you and makes you look needy. It screams "I've not replaced you and need attention from you to make me feel worthy." Where is your self worth? You are worth far more than he could ever give and it is done. You know it's done. Time to fill the space he's left with positive things for yourself. It's Easter weekend, the weather is not great, but get outside, get some fresh air and exercise and eat lots of chocolate and good, healthy food too. You'll feel tons better. Life is for living. He's keeping you in neutral, when you could be selecting a higher gear and navigating the roads of your life and finding new and exciting people and adventures. By holding onto him, even mentally, you're preventing yourself from finding someone who will give you a world of happiness x

@litarary that's such a strong post!!

ravens I agree with Bloody, 3 is pointless as men are indifferent to this kind of message. I think you need to send the message because you are finding it hard to move on without doing so. I had to do that. It hurt not to get a response but it was the closing of the box and helped me move on. Hopefully you have healed enough that a no response wouldn't set you back too much and you have everyone here to pick up any pieces. Good luck.

I'd recommend to everyone to block then delete numbers from phones and anywhere else they are. That way you can't contact him even if you want to. Block on social media so you're not tempted to keep moping over his profile. Take the power back. These men are over and done with, don't give them any power over you. Imagine if they could see how many times you've looked at their social media?? You'd die of embarrassment and they'd run for the hills because you're obsessed with them and that's not healthy. If you were meant to be with them, you'd be with them. It's simple. And you're not with them because it's run its course, that chapter is over and it's time to turn the page and see what people, love and adventures are in the rest of the book. Take the bookmark out of the book, turn the page and carry on with your story. The book is about YOU, they were just a chapter within it, a piece of your personal history that has helped shape the stronger person you are. Don't let them define you because you owe it to yourself to define who you are.

Thank you everyone. Agree 3 is pointless - you’re right he’d probably think oh well and chuck it all.
And seshi you are so right - I can’t let this affect my job, kids, mental well-being - I have worked to hard for that.
So for now it’s NC continuing ... thanks for your views

literary I am so impressed by your strength- thanks for a great post

Amazing posts literary. If only it were that easy though :(

Anonymous what stops it being that easy?

Love your post Literary.
Has the split left anyone else with panics that come over them? Thankfully it's manageable for me but not a nice feeling.
Does anyone else still daydream of a future with them? I hate this. It does feel like an obsession in a way. I just want to be free of it