Support and Wisdom at the Crown Cafe (NC Part 10)

[Basseting]

welcome to all going / maintaining No Contact
for whatever reason. Support, advice, wisdom and fun available here.
(and virtual coffee and cake too).

Well done ravens on Day 30. You are already extending your deadlines which is good ( while still using them as a prop/security blanket which is FINE - every little helps) and it is the TIME that is enabling you to do this . Clarity ( which I think is just your brain catching up ) does wonders . Of course you will still think about NC - we are only human . Good luck with your plan .

Lovely helpful post bloody, I agree that there is something addictive and ocytocin-related in these types of relationships. Time works because it teaches me that I can survive without that particular drug, even though the withdrawal can really hurt at times.

I'm doing well again, had that wobble earlier in the week but recovered very quickly, the 'hangover' from contact is really short now, which is great.

The recovery pic

30 days is fab ravens, well done! Will you do something that makes you happy today, big or small, to give yourself a pat on the back for reaching your goal?

oldbrook I like that link very much and yes we are far too demanding of ourselves ! We need to cut ourselves some slack ! We are never going to forget these NCs ( why should we ? ) but they will drop into a comfortable place in our memories.

I'm always good at this time of the day and less so as the day goes on but yes I have good feelings about NC too , of course I do . However I can also think that Yes he was very wrong to do what he did in his situation . Someone said to me recently why did I not send him a message saying that if his situation ever changed to get in touch BUT to me that starts it all up again ( the contact ) and I know that he is not/would not be a suitable, reliable and faithful partner which is what I would want. Oh I love how sensible I am at this time of the day ..long may it last !

Well done on Day 30 Ravens. You have remained so dignified even though you are heartbroken

Bloody I agree it's like a drug. And we are slowly withdrawing which has its ups and downs.

I think the tipping point for me was last weekend when my NC was away on holiday meeting his best friend and I couldn't even say tell him I said hello (know him from years back) because nobody knows we text. I'm nobodys secret! And do you know what, more fool my NC. He was on a lads holiday in the US and spent a good portion of time messaging me. How tragic is that

Belonger so glad to hear the recovery gets easier and easier. I think NC gets easier the more you do it.

NK
It's not tragic that he was texting you while on lads hols in US, it means he'd rather be with you and for him texting you is more important than company of friends. He might not say it to you but actions speak louder than words.

It's so demeaning Oldbrook and not something that sits well with me at all. I'm such an honest person and don't get off on secrets and lies.

Teens I definitely agree that actions speak louder than words but why text while on a lads holiday getting deep and then pulling back. It makes no sense to me. I can only conclude that he gets off on the secrecy and suggestive texting.

Think I'll be reading a lot of Baggage Reclaim today. She makes so much sense

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/30-signs-that-someone-isnt-interested-or-is-half-heartedly-interested-in-you-how-to-avoid-being-a-passing-time-candidate/

NK they do it to remind you about them.They fear that you will forget about them. My NC admitted this to me when drunk one time - he messaged me massively at certain times when I was away or out with other people and he didn't have physical access to me.

The thing is teens texting is Just words - it's not action . Actions staking steps to man up and resolve the situation and be a better person. Texting etc is the cause of so much heartache today - it makes it easy to connect.

Nk
He doesn't know you're separating, in his eyes you're Unavailable so he pulls back . Completely normal reaction to me.

Ha! More rubbish from Amazon - can’t think why I bought the red one, but they get great reviews! These WILL tell me the answers!

It’s all good - it distracts me and they all generally aim to build self-esteem which is no bad thing for me! I will report back (they are not lengthy tomes!)

Teens honestly I'd love to believe you are right but he does know I am separating at some point this year and I was asking him how to work Tinder (not that I'm ready but to gauge a reaction) and he was quite happy to talk me through it without so much as one bit of jealousy. Actions definitely speak a lot louder to me than words. And in his case he isn't even giving me either of them (apart from the option of meeting up for sex in a hotel, in which I told him in no uncertain terms to do one).

Ravens would love to buy some of the books but am afraid H would find them. You'll have to summarise them for me!

Oldbrook I would have regular messages with female friends and gay friends but my male straight friends I would tend to see face to face.

That baggage reclaim article is great. So much sense!

Will happily summarise the books. The one I’ve already read said (in 100 pages). [If they dump you go NC and NEVER initiate contact again. If it’s meant to be they will contact you, if not move on, you’re better off out of it anyway, you deserve more]

NK
thing is you are not completely honest with him but you want him to be honest with you? How does that work so far?

Think trying to get reaction by asking about tinder is a game playing. Game playing sometimes backfire.

I am usually a person that will give an unexpected reaction.

Think you known him far too long for these indirect approaches...

You're right Teens I haven't been completely direct with him. He really broke my heart all them years ago. I rather walk away (and have walked away) than fave that heartbreak again especially with all that is going on in my life at the moment. I need to hang on to as much dignity as I can.

It's so awkward for you Oldbrook as he's so much part of your social scene. But you are being honest about your feelings and that's great. Would it be so bad if you did see him? Could you walk away and continue NC?

I 100% agree it's so hard to tell by messaging what someone is thinking. If I had 1 hour in a pub with NC I'd know exactly what he was thinking. I could read him like a book when we were going out.