Support and Wisdom at the Crown Cafe (NC Part 10)

[Basseting]

welcome to all going / maintaining No Contact
for whatever reason. Support, advice, wisdom and fun available here.
(and virtual coffee and cake too).

I just got a: 'Whoa, I misread you. Sorry.x' from MF!
NC works, NC works, NC works
I rather mischievously replied: 'Silly boy'.
Not very grown up of me but I never get to be mischievous with the male species, 'friends' or not so I am practising. Should have called DOM a 'silly boy' (he is the type who would pay for' Nanny' t'o say such things, I suspect...I got it SO WRONG with him!)

It is not the point (point is higher evolution for us)
But I thought it might make you laff!

Raven I've read them all already, not for my NC but because of someone in the past.

And in my experience, 90% of the time they will come back WHEN YOU NO LONGER NEED THEM.

So many wise and helpful posts! Thank you all.

And in my experience, 90% of the time they will come back WHEN YOU NO LONGER NEED THEM.

I have found this in the past too. When I too was desperately reading how to get your ex back type books my friend always said H would come grovelling back. She was right. The saddest realisation of that for me is that being reminded of this by teens actually made me have a glint of hope that NC might come back

I agree with it too. Just as I'd moved on 17yrs ago NC came back into my life. I told him to do one (politely of course)

Well I found a good website with a step plan and did the steps (not the contacting you ex bit). But I wrote down what I think went wrong and realised these were my issues:

• negative outlook, just me
• validating my self-worth on who I was going out with, repeating pattern from my failed marriage.
• lack of self-esteem, just me
• became over-invested, emotionally dependent
• didn’t talk to him about some issues - moaned at girlfriends instead, repeating pattern from my failed marriage.
• didn’t tell him how much I loved him, think he thought I didn’t, repeating pattern from my failed marriage.

Then the site says you need a game plan to change these if you want the relationship to work. So by stopping moping, telling myself I’m amazing, going on dates cos I want to, believing I am worth having is me putting my game plan into action. It’s what I gave to do if I’m serious about this.

I know doing all this to get him back is sad, but actually it’s all good stuff, and it gives me a reason to actually do it!

Tell me if this is flawed logic though?

I don’t think you need to change yourself ravens but you can reflect on whether you communicated well with him? But don’t underestimate your own self worth.
Do you have a link to the article?

No , it isn't flawed logoc-you need to realise what went wrong in order to build new different relationship in future. Hardest bit though to show/convince them you've changed:they will be looking for your old style behaviour and saying: I thought so , she's the same as 3 months ago, its really not worth it...

But most of the time you weren't even horrible, you were nice.So not sure if it's worth changing yourself to fit his idea of what woman he wants to be next to.

In my case I feel I always let them know I love them and I feel that's my shortcoming. They may feel no challenge left or feel suffocated. Get bigheaded and don't appreciate what they have.

Why do you think nc come back into your life. How would they know you’ve moved on?

Rhubarb

It happens when you stop thinking about them, when you no longer want them.when you dating other people or in relationship already, when you happy without them.

It's a mistery how they feel it but they do.

It's as if some higher forces restore the balance: your neediness, your longing for them is gone and bum! They're back when you let them go.

A classic case of wanting what you can’t have. Something you thought of as yours has moved on.

This is the site but I do this with a health warning. Lots of you are going NC to move away from an unhealthy connection. Never to go back, to release their hold on you. Please stick to that. Hope that doesn’t sound mean, I don’t want to undo all the amazing work people are doing here.

www.withmyexagain.com/guides/how-to-get-back-with-your-ex/

I think the idea is that I do work on myself and do change, so I am authentic when we meet. I don’t think I’m changing either - this is all positive thinking and actually acceptance of who I am and that that is great just as I am.

Wonder how seshi’s concert is going???

And when you've worked on your self esteem and feel more confident ravens, you may find you're not bothered about him anyway! Good luck with it. Are you doing anything in particular to build your feelings of self worth?

Hello all, I know I've not posted much but I've been following this thread for a while now and have found it has helped me so much. Thank you.
I am now day 6 of NC the longest it's been. I have kept myself busy by joining tinder and pof, it's been fun chatting to people and I'm meeting a chap tomorrow for a coffee. Yeah I know it's too soon, but I need to know I can get back out there and do it, dunno if that makes sense.

I don't feel the need to contact my NC at all, finally starting to feel more like myself and not so infatuated with him and what he's doing. I just keep looking forward, I finish my nursing degree this year and he's not buggering that up for me!

Love how this has turned to reflection, that's what we are taught to do and I've naturally done this with my NC and it has helped massively. Once i pulled the relationship right apart to the roots, I began to realise that I wasn't happy either and it had become hard work and it was no longer fun.

Reflect away ladies :)

I'm sorry to just randomly jump in here but I'm sat here crying my eyes out as I realise I have to finally let him go. I've been really crap in NC but I've realised now that he doesn't give a dam about me and never did, he keeps reeling me in whilst also still shagging around which he's doing right now. I have to block him from everything now and I'm crying because it means it really is over and will never see/speak to him again. I just need a hand hold or a hug :(

Yeah I am still counting too - it's my stubbornness . Can't give in now ...

itsjustmarley it's just shit but you do deserve better ...I know it's hard but time will help ...x

itsjustmarley You’ve made the first important step - well done. Realising he’s no good for you and you need to take scontrol. You can do so much better, honestly.

Thank you, my body is telling me I've done the right thing as I felt so much relief when I done it. And it's good that you guys agree. Why do you feel sad when you lose something/get rid of something that you know isn't good for you?

It's actually Day 44 of NC for me ( lost a few days there somehow) and slowly it is beginning to get better although it is still up and down ( due to proximity situation) .

I feel that your mind starts to process things differently and you look back with a different attitude at the relationship which is not possible when you are still enmeshed in it all . I also realise that a lot of this attachment on my side is/was exactly that - it is/was from MY side , my brain and body are/were generating the attachment and yes in response to what we did (oxytocin)and what he said encouraging a bonding to him .

Hard to get what I am saying here but to the others who are trying to do NC to get out of a toxic situation then just believe that it will get better - it just takes time. I remember well the feelings and panic even and desire that I would get when I didn't see /be in touch with NC for a few days and the smallest text from him would alleviate that . It is like a drug . I am happy to go with the school of thought that says my mind and body were altered physically by what I was doing at that time. I am weaning myself off NC just like any other drug addict .

I like to misquote Emilie Sande by saying " I wake with good intentions but the day it always lasts too long"

Good luck everyone who is struggling with this . If you really want to end things you just need to try and lengthen the NC time.

So I’ve reached it!! Day 30 NC for me.
Now the fun begins ...
I’m v up and down still but agree I’ve got much more clarity on the situation now, haven’t sent begging messages, have looked hard at what went wrong and looked at how to address that and hopefully he’s missing me too! NC is good.

I’m building up to sending a friendly text in the next few days or perhaps wait till his birthday in about 2 weeks time.