Support and Wisdom at the Crown Cafe (NC Part 10)

[Basseting]

welcome to all going / maintaining No Contact
for whatever reason. Support, advice, wisdom and fun available here.
(and virtual coffee and cake too).

*We are totally clear on what we will accept/won't accept in a relationship
*Meeting someone is a nice to have but not essential for our happiness

have other people to rely on so dont need them for that until they've proven their worth

Yy to this!!!

I know I have been so starving for that it is hard to keep boundaries.

Btw, Belonger you were right.... Just had an email from MF (saying he was upset by my reply to his reply 'implying he was not a real friend' etc and he was off on a short hol poss no internet and would send a postcard). I felt upset. THAT is enough for me to know I need to pull back atm. My reaction is enough to know i need to pull back. WOW!!! that is such a huge piece of realisation for me!
I replied: I consider you a good friend. But maybe I should step back. Enjoy your trip!.B.x
Bloody hell. Constant vigilance these boundaries, huh?
Adjusts Crown: re-phrases. 'Constant LEARNING OPPORTUNITIES'

I think we should be happy in our skins Oldbrook and be happy to get our validation from our kids, family and friends. I am starting to realise that I sought external validation from NC, SM because I never got it from my parents or my H. My H will call me princess but it means nothing because he doesn't treat me like a princess, in fact he could call me a c*nt or a clown 10 mins later over something.

Anyone who enters my life will have to be damn special.

I guess that's why I partly fell for NC again, because I know he is a lovely Dad, so I knew he'd be lovely to my kids. That's a very attractive trait.

Well done Basseting that's a huge step for you I know. We are all learning so much on this thread

Thank you, NK
What I wanted to say was pls come here right now and put your arms around me (not that I fancy him but I do feel safe with him). But I didnt.
I have to put my arms around myself, somehow?
Awards self a

Having people to rely on

This is a very sore subject as I have no family around at all.

Not sure I will ever be in a position not to need relationship to substitute a family.

You ladies sound so reflective today. I wish I was at that stage with you. But seriously struggling today. Day 8 and I know this bit is quite difficult. Enough time has passed where we both know we are deliberately not messaging. And that feels hard. I want to know if he is thinking of me.
No enthusiasm for anything. This is so crap.

basseting you are AMAZING! What a huge piece of learning and yes you are absolutely right - feeling upset is enough, your feelings are enough. I feel right emotional hearing you say that (there's something in my eye)

Sorry you're feeling rubbish rhubarb. A couple of things came into my mind when I read your post (which also apply to me) :

You are exactly the same person whether or not he is thinking about you. Seems so obvious when I write it down for someone else! But you are still you, with all your good and bad points, your worries and your joys, whether or not he is thinking about you or missing you or whatever. All that's different is the story we tell ourself, half out of consciousness. Eg 'he's not thinking about me, I'm awful, he doesn't care, no one will care, there will never be excitement in my life, I will feel empty and alone forever'. Or 'he's thinking about me, I am desirable and loved, everything will be OK, he will make me happy, I don't have to deal with the crap stuff in my lufe'. But are either of those stories actually true?? Really really true?

The other thing is that by focusing on Mr X, we avoid addressing the other problems which might be bigger or scarier, Eg I'm fundamentally unfulfilled in x area of my life.

Sorry if that wasn't very useful rhubarb! It just suddenly illuminated something about my own processes that I wanted to share.

@Basseting you've definitely grown stronger. I see a change in you. @Rhubarbginn I'm sorry you're struggling. Same here but it ebbs and flies and I've had a lot of kid stuff to deal with this week (illness/changing schools etc) so I've been distracted!

@Oldbrook I want to go to Bali!!!!

Thanks all. It makes a big difference. I know it will pass.

Teens I have no family either. not a jot. not for years. I know this is partly what makes me vulnerable.

Rhubarb I might sound good but I've spent much of today warbling ablong to loud songs thinking of one or the other of them
But, the first step is NC, the 2nd is to sort my head out.

It's not linear. Remember OldBrooks amazing squiggly line?

belonger 12.23 - the perfect post !

basseting I think if you can spend a day singing your heart out and thinking about them, but not contact them, that's fantastic progress! High five to your impulse control, lady!

Bloody I agree about Belongers 12.23 post.
Wise wise woman, that one! (she and old could write a book, I reckon!)

mind, we are all gaining wisdom in ourselves and from each other.
Someone posted afew pages back words to the effect of:
'stop being saddos and counting the days, he doesnt care'
And I thought we are doing SO much more and the day counting is days of valuing ourselves, being reflective, supporting each other, not 'just' NC with Mr X

Love this group. It's become so much more than NC.

(blushes modestly)
(brushes own dignity-up-the-wazoo moments under the carpet)

'stop being saddos and counting the days, he doesnt care'- lol, that was such a funny post, brought us up short! Were we bovvered?

I'll stop the crazy love-in stuff in a minute I promise but I think it's the fact that we don't brush our near miss or Dignity-Up-the-Wazoo moments that make this a close and supportive group. The fact that we can say our realities, without feeling like day counting saddos

Well I’m waiting for Monday when more ‘get your ex back’ arrive from Amazon which I assume will make everything better! Now that’s sad! Even emailed America for a coaching session on getting your ex back (doubt I’ll do it- you ladies give better advice!)

Ravens if I have a Jekyll and Hyde moment (i learned from DOM) I might be interested in a read of your Amazon haul.