Support and Wisdom at the Crown Cafe (NC Part 10)

[Basseting]

welcome to all going / maintaining No Contact
for whatever reason. Support, advice, wisdom and fun available here.
(and virtual coffee and cake too).

I was enjoying a thread yesterday about being happily single: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3199972-the-rise-of-the-alpha-single

I think it's good to remember that many people have a pause after relationships, or just enjoy not being in a relationship.

Oldbrook what lovely news about you trying again with your H. I'm delighted for you.

Ginger sorry went to sleep last night. I'm actually okay. Full of anger and disgust towards him but I don't think I'm down about him. I more feel stupid.

Ravens - I agree I think it's too soon for you to contact NC or for OLD. As he asked for space I think it's up to him to contact you.

Thank you. I’m still taking it a day at a time. And won’t do anything till after the W/e. Am going to work on my own self-esteem as well.

But there are plenty of outfits between uncomfortable dress and polar fleece! Maybe you will find a new one which has sparkle but is also comfortable? Does h accept that things need to be different between you for it to work? Have you had any relationship counselling, might help you revamp your wardrobe, to follow the metaphor!

What made you split up Oldbrook? Is he kind to you and does he respect you?

Day 49/12. Phew. Nearly 50 days till I last saw DOM.basseting VERY WELL DONE !!

I'm Day 42 ( I think ) of NC and about 3 or 4 of not looking at Last Seen on WhatsApp. I've learnt that it isn't a good idea to be talking too much about NC and I need to stop looking at associated SM. I'm feeling calm for now although revenge still plays on my mind at times. As someone else above said it is UNFAIRNESS that gets to me and NC was UNFAIR to me. He moved the goalposts then he ran. However...

What I am also discovering is that I feel as if I am coming out of a fog - a fog that I ( my mind?) created probably but super aided by him saying things that he should not have ( considering his situation) The talk of boundaries is very interesting to me as NC pushed my boundaries like no one has before . In fact he stated early on that he wanted to . Looking back though I realise that this was part of his manipulation of the situation. I don't think he is/was a deliberate manipulator - it is just in him because of the kind of damaged person he is. I was not an unwilling partner , don't get me wrong. I am probably a stronger person for it now .

There are a couple of ways of looking at these NCs if we are to move on without them - we have to pack them away in our minds/chalk them up to experience and categorise them in some way that is "acceptable" for us . It can either be to romanticise it ( Oh he was so great / I will never have this again blah blah ) or demonise it ( he was a lying Bstard who used me blah blah ) - or is there an alternative ?* They were just someone who was there for a reason . They filled a need at the time . Not everyone comes into our lives to stay .Not everyone deserves to ! The thing that strikes me about many of these NCs is how UNSUITABLE they actually are eg in the way they treat other people . It is all about them ultimately . We need to remember this and while we may have fond memories of them we need to be realistic about it - remember those awful times - the "I can't do this anymore ", the days of non communication etc when it suited, the masses of communication when it suited.

And there ends my sermon for this morning ..have a good day everyone x

Bloody your timing is very fortuituous. I've been thinkiing of him since about 4am... Thank you.x

I agree about romanticise/demonise.
I could demonise DOM fairly easily. He has behaved horribly.
But the point is: why did I allow it? why was i unable to maintain boundaries?
he came back into my life for a reason, as a learning opportunity.
We are all learning what we need to about ourselves, painfully, so we can move forward in a more meaningful way.
(i sound like the meditate bot that has randomly got on my phone and wakes me saying: get more sleep / be more mindful (Sod off!)

Puts coffee on. Warms remains of kids hotcross buns.

Yes to this for me -
'We are all learning what we need to about ourselves, painfully, so we can move forward in a more meaningful way.'
I think NC triggered/hooked a part of me that really needed hearing and healing, and that's what I'm working my butt off on in therapy. I would rather have learned it in a less painful way (perhaps at a luxury retreat in bali) but the universe sent me NC instead!

'luxury retreat in Bali'???
budges Belonger ruthlessly out of queue.
It is fractionally warmer here in Scotland.
But snow forecast for Easter weekend again.
(last time i went somewhere warm on hols was 2001. can you hear the tiny violins and see the tear trickle yet?)

Not cought up on everything yet but re boundaries from yesterday:
NK think yours are clear and you have enough willpower to enforce them.

Oldbook your boundaries with NC were probably non existent, and I suspect mostly it was him pushing yours and you allowed as you loved him.Think he is learning to respect them now as clearly he heard your message and request to give you space to move on , even your therapist confirms.

Your situation with NC is very difficult one, I'm sure he has feelings for you but he also has a goal and narrow minded idea of how to achieve that goal. I actually have a male friend in similar circumstances. He's 42 desperate for a child, but only consider dating someone of particular ethnicity. When I suggested to broaden searchcriteria and be open minded, he said he only has set idea in his head and that's it.It didn't work well for him so far.

Your NC will regret letting you go Oldbrook , who knows when but there will be a time he'll realise he chased illusive dream and it was right in front of him. But you don't need someone who doesn't see your value here and now, your H seems to: so it's a win win for your family if you can reciprocate.

The luxury retreat in bali is pure fantasy basseting! Tbh, I could imagine hating something like that because of the pampered persons I would be likely to meet. Real life in t'north is good enough for me!

They filled a need at the time . Not everyone comes into our lives to stay .Not everyone deserves to

This, this and more this!! It's something I have been working on. I believe demonizing another results in our passivity, and in my case, the feeling of being hard done by.

This is about OUR esteem and self-compassion. Our energies need to be fixed on ourselves.

At least that's what I'm telling myself.....

Raven again it's way early for your NC contact.

Concentrate on your dating, explore it and see if there's something there, you never know.

I think it would be beneficial to know why you split up with NC so can understand how to fix it if possible.

You said you drifted apart a bit? Then he broke it off?
Were there any arguments? Were there talks to move things on different level and he got cold feet? Finally is it possible he met someone else?( I know last thing you want to hear but need to consider the possibility sadly).

Belonger oh i know i was budging up a fantasy queue...
Yy re persons (DOM bought me a week at Champneys once and I was bored stiff) but a bit of self care might not go amiss for me.
Real life in t'north is not warm enough for me though!
(how far north? are you going to the London meet or can we have a Northern one? or do you mean North New Zealand (needs coffee!!!)

Morning all. It's interesting how this thread has become somehow not so much about NC/winning back your man, rather than taking time out to re-evaluate why were in unfulfilling relationships in the first place. It's quite complex. I e been on a merry dance with my NC as you know but I'm starting to realise (as @Basseting said I think) - I'm doing this Dan W for a reason - and he'll probably be in my life all the wile I have that lesson to learn. And it's slow progress for me. And the same for you @Ravenscloak (and so many of us on here) - it's like an unravelling of old habits and learning to put new ones in their place. Like repairing broken bones, it takes time xx

Thank you everyone for your care and advice - it is all welcome and never OTT

So many wise words and thoughts this morning.

I hope I am building up the strength to demand only the best when I am ready to enter a relationship again. I'm not putting up with anyone else's crap. I am quite sure of this.