Support and Wisdom at the Crown Cafe (NC Part 10)

[Basseting]

welcome to all going / maintaining No Contact
for whatever reason. Support, advice, wisdom and fun available here.
(and virtual coffee and cake too).

basseting please don't keep talking to this guy about your past! He is not a safe person to share sensitive stuff with. Your red flag sensor isnt working properly on this

Ahaha Oldbrook I feel like a NC police: I police your actions re next step..
But thanks ladies NK,OLDBROOK I love you too, you should joinour WhatsApp group, we post hilarious stuff and Bloody is beaten the crap out of my silver fox NC at combat training today:he's her imagining punch bag kindly donated by me😂

My crumbs bingo:

You are sexy as hell
I'd love to be next to you
I loved our holiday together , let's do it again:it would be out of this world experience.
You're doing very well I'm glad things are going well for you at work

Then :I'm still married but we live in separate bedrooms ,we're not intimate with each other and I expect us to split up, I'm deeply ashamed I didn't tell you the truth and I sincerely apologise, I understand if you will cut off now,but I want a relationship with you, only descreet relationship possible,as things stand, but who knows where it may lead.Im open to see how things go between us and take it to next level.

Id love to see you but I can't pick up your calls as wife's at home.

I can't offer you anything I'm afraid as weekends are busy, at least in November (insert run up to Christmas).

I'm feeling guilty for breaking my marriage vows and to you for not living up to your expectations ...

I don't blame you for some of the messages you sent, impossible situation I get that

Rinse and repeat...

If you want to talk about it please tell us, not these men. Please look after your precious self or you will keep reenacting the abusive behavior you were subject to in the past. If I sound bossy it's because I feel really strongly about this!

How do I join and do I join as NK or as me

You should be able to Oldbrook. I joined a group of UK friends on Whatsapp

NK OLDBROOK I'll message Seshi, she'll add you if you inbox her your numbers..

Belonger I know DOM is poison and exH hopeless but I thought MF was okay? but then the 'febrile imagination' bit worried me. also he has been 'mansplaining' a bit re DOM and exH. which has annoyed me?

Bassetting your MF is a classic example of revisiting his youth , as per NK's yesterday link..

teens well i dont mind if he is revisiting his youth if he can offer friendship without red flags I am not looking for anything else.

Bassetting it's crystal clear to me he's not after friendship..

well he 'cant meet up' (due to his wife being 'twitchy'!) and we dont do phone calls so its just emails which is fine by me? he doesnt seem to be pursuing me on that basis?

Hell end up wanking to your pics Bassetting, same as my married NC😂

Listen to Teens she is telling the truth Basseting. I've no doubt my NC was walking over photos of me too as he was constantly telling me how horny he was. I was like bog off to your gf then.

basseting if you were just chatting with mf guy about the weather that would be one thing, but it sounds like you're sharing deeply personal information about your past and your relationship, with someone who has already given you several reasons to feel uncomfortable, annoyed or confused. I just would never share personal info with someone who made me feel that way.

Yup teens my NC is sitting at home wanking to my messages and pics too - STILL cheating on her!

And Yes there were many bloody noses and teeth flying all over the place today in my Body Combat class !

Loving the Crumbs Bingo : (it's cheered me up no end )

Your ex was a fcking idiot ...
I've never felt like this about anyone before...
You're a beautiful woman/stunning/etc...
Look in my eyes all the time when we have sex /when I ahem ....( you get the drift ) ...etc
I've never lied to you (Hmmmmmm....)
I can't wait to touch you ( after his holiday belated honeymoon )
I still want to be friends

and then there is the XXX stuff
desperate to you ( Xmas Eve )
desperate to * you ( New Year Eve)
etc etc

Belonger Yy to sharing deeply personal info - very much so.
I guess my issue is that I dont know what is an okay boundary or not (as they've been so messed up in the past) so I am checking it out on here? Certainly he has made remarks about me being beautiful, sent love songs, and said he wonders how life would be if we'd stayed together. I have not encouraged any of this btw and there has been no sex talk / future planning etc. so I am a bit confused i guess.

This is a really good place to check out boundaries, everyone is so kind (and we've all made our own mistakes too!). It's totally understandable to have trouble seeing red flags if your boundaries were messed up by other people when you were growing up.

But if you look at what you've just written - he's not acting like a normal friend would! Is that how you'd expect a female friend to talk to you? If not, I think you can safely assume he wants more or is at least confused about what he wants. That would be enough for me to back off, either have hardly any contact with him or keep the subject matter superficial.

I can really understand that you want to talk to someone about the stuff from your past but I still think a counsellor is the best person to do this with. You could end up retraumatising yourself if you talk to people who aren't able to (or can't be expected to) be trusted with such personal info.

All of this is coming from a genuine concern for you basseting, not at all any judgement. And also from an understanding of how crappy upbringings can interfere with our instinct about what is and isn't OK.

Bassetting
My boundary line is my principles/ideas and the realisation how comfortable/uncomfortable I feel in particular situation.

For example: OLD guys :start chatting-normal conversation etc then the guy slips to :I miss cuddles, or something like: I love your curves or boobs , or any sort of hint to sex: they are stepping over my boundaries. If I don't like the guy I delete without comment, if I like the guy I step back- let my silence speak volumes. Either the guy realises he pushed it too far and try to do things properly and ask on a proper date first or he keeps pushing to which I reply I'm not looking for fun, way too early for that sort of conversation then delete.

Same with the guy I already know.

I have been on many first dates and been asked for a kiss. I don't kiss on first date-it makes me feel uncomfortable. So I don't kiss, I give a peck on the cheek. If they don't like it, it's their problems. I'm me and I do things at my own pace.

Male friend of mine, sometimes, very rarely , makes comments about my appearance- as in you're so sexy ..I would. I tell him straight we're just friends please don't comment like that. He stops.

Basically anything that slightly makes you feel uncomfortable means your boundaries are being tested. It's very important to address the issue immideatly and not to brush under the carpet hoping they will understand or next time behave better-they won't until you say outloud: I don't like what's happening!

Nice one teens - I love your clear boundaries!

Belonger Teens
I have talked to my (old) Counsellor about it and she was really pleased i can talk to him about stuff from that time in my life.
He has not been inappropriate so far. He has said: 'you are still pretty but more important you are a beautiful person inside' and yes I can see female friends saying that to each other if they've had their confidence really knocked (like DOM has done to me). Yes the 'i wonder what life would have been like if we'd stayed together was a bit more blurry but it didnt make me uncomfortable'. The bit that does is if he 'mansplains' about DOM/ExH so I dont know if that is jsut another point of view of him being a bit annoying? Anyway I replied to the email being polite, brief and clearly stating my point of view/ boundaries so that is done :)
Yes, this is a great place to check out boundaries in a kind atmosphere, I agree. I hope I'm not sounding like I am in denial. I am just being very careful to use this as a 'practice' friendship for me as I know my boundaries need work before I could OLD for example!

You lot are lovely!

Sorry basseting, I'm maybe remembering stuff wrong (it's my age!). I thought this was the guy who sent you the very sexual writing and messed about saying his wife was suspicious, I thought that had made you feel uncomfortable and confused. That's why I was surprised you were talking about personal intimate stuff with him, I thought it was the same guy.

And great to have someone to practice on!