Support and Wisdom at the Crown Cafe (NC Part 10)

[Basseting]

welcome to all going / maintaining No Contact
for whatever reason. Support, advice, wisdom and fun available here.
(and virtual coffee and cake too).

Morning all.

Bloody re 'dishing the dirt' I have wondered that with DOM. Re his wife - i knew the set up there and there is no 'marriage' apart from on paper. she is much older than him (even) and he goes into this little boy must look after mummy thing around her, always did. he told me about the asian gir a few years backl. but the still using soft words to the 20 yr person twice a week he was really deceptive about. I think part of him would like me to storm down there and shout the odds. I dont know if it would get it out of my system or not? Sit tight! (I am )

Belonger I like the sound of your mind thought control experiment! Can you say more? it sounds really useful for when NC becomes exhausting / interferes with daily life (frequently, for me!)

Anxious H's can be so bloody difficult! xXx

NK great progress for you too!! I find my energy / progress ebbs and flows SO much (like that wiggly line diagram). Just hang in there.

Teens deadlines are a 'mare, arent they?

(sorry I know i've missed folk. just really tired. its been such a week)

OldBrook

Mine are:
I will go to bed early/ only eat nutritious things/exercise more
I will not use screens too much
I will not think of NC (or plan next trip)
I will finish my book (cos then what do i do?)

basseting sometimes I think they are selfish, lying, weak, damaged gits who would very much like someone else to bust them as they don't have the balls themselves to face up to their own pathetic and unhappy lives.

I don't know whether my NC is totally stupid as he has handed me so much information on him in writing or what ! He used to say that he trusted me . For now I hold all this information . My friend says every day he could be wondering " is this the day she busts me?" but I think he is arrogant about my feelings towards him. My silence IS my weapon however .

I've no interest in telling my NCs gf about us. I do feel so so sorry for her. I do believe that he hasn't cheated on her before. I'm probably the only soft touch that falls for his rubbish and no effort required with me. My god I'm so glad I never met him.

Anonymous yes definitely counting the days really does help and as they go on you are less likely to break the NC.

Ravens I actually deleted all my messages from my NC because they are all irrelevant to what is happening now so I can't remember half of them to be honest. I'd be terrified with dating too but do you know what, that kiss last week was so lovely and even though I have no feelings for Mr. Snog he is attractive and it felt so yum. So it is possible to be attracted to other people. Honest.

Oldbrook I take my inspiration from You, among others in the group. I really admire the way you value your self and you are right to listen to your instincts. I think me and my NC are done. There is no coming back from this. The universe threw us back together at a time when we were both unhappy in relationships (I have to assume he wasn't happy as he pursued me). If we couldn't make it work this time then we never will. Really looking forward to that cha cha. I'll be doing the cha cha at Day 31!

Yes Belonger I am easy going to a point but my limit of nonsense has been reached and he fuck off and get validation from someone else. Must look up Natalie Lue.

bloody 'selfish' check, 'damaged' check, 'lying' evidently, 'weak' check.
he was more cavalier about things when he was younger but this time he has been more careful about it. yet he has still taken me to his (in her name and he is hoping she will leave it to him) house many times last year.
I think he (arrogantly) trusts that i love him enough not to make life any harder for him. For now he is correct. But yes they must wonder a bit sometimes in the back of their minds? In DOMS case it is slightly more twisted as he would go into paroxyms of religious guilt etc which he would find rather enjoyable. (trust me to pick the real weirdo!)
Silence / NC is the perfect stance.

You’re right nk. We need someone who adds something tangible to our lives rather than make us feel bad. It really is that simple.

Morning Basseting

My lies are:
That I will exercise more
That I will eat better food
That I don't care that NC has chosen his gf over me

Morning Rhubarb. I don't want to be somebody's secret. And that they drain me.

I want to be wined and dined by a gent who is proud to have me on his arm.

NK
Really like this " he can fuck off and get validation from someone else" because that is what a lot of it is about ..."you make me feel wanted'.... FFS

and rhubarbgin yes this " We need someone who adds something tangible to our lives rather than make us feel bad" ( and manipulate us ) .

Ah ha ha I love Teens

My 3 are:
*Of all the 3 relationships I've been in I regret messing up with you the most
*When my life flashed before my eyes (near death experience) you were one of the first people I thought about
*I can't stop thinking about you

I love this group. The support, no judgement. Real understanding of what others are feeling. It’s a godsend.
I am on day 7 today. Like some of you j struggle at day 9/10, but have made it past day 30 before.
I find it easier when there is no ‘fall out’ with nc. We spoke last week and it was fine, but I haven’t messaged since. So it feels like there is no edge.
I’m tired too of feeding his ego. And I end up feeling rubbish. I won’t blame him, I am responsible for my actions. But no more.

Definitely no more feeding the ego Rhubarb! We can do it and what's waiting on the other side is so so much better than the rubbish of now

OldBrook! that made me laugh!!!
I've never played Bingo but i know that is the word you call if you get the correct numbers.
So, I will look for:
'no one has ever made me feel like you', (but the others i didnt mention)
i've never forgotten you' (till I ghosted you twice)
'the sex is the best i've ever had' (that bit i believe)
and then I can shout: 'STEPTOE

Or: 'i just want to help you' (yeah, right, ex'H, you cant help yourself)
'I think you owe me sex' (nuff said) and 'i wuv you' (divorce talks)
I can shout: 'ExH'

or: 'I've missed you' 'various soppy songs' 'the freckles on your back'
I can shout: 'Museum Friend'

this is a fun game! :)

I love this group!

Me too. I don't know how I would get through everything I'm faced with if it wasn't for all you amazing ladies

Oldbrook talk about mixed messages!!! Asshole

basseting there's a couple of techniques with the cognitive therapy type approach (my mind control experiment!). One is 'thought stopping', where you literally tell yourself firmly to Stop whenever you catch yourself thinking or imagining something you don't want to. I'm quite a visual person so I visualise a big metal STOP sign, or one that says NO. It's actually working quite well so far, and stops my usual habit of getting into an analytical discussion with myself about it all. It's maybe like the firm approach we have to take with kids about to run into the road.

He has been royally stringing you along and playing boyfriends with you oldbrook. Bastard.

Just shows how little words can mean unless the actions correspond

can i ask, o wise ones, what the term: 'febrile imagination' conjures up?

Febrile imagination sounds like some thing made up, childish, fantasy like

He was so stringing you along Oldbrook much like my guy. No actions to follow the words. Well with mine he was looking for a quick shag in a hotel but no meaningful actions.

I ask as I have been discussing my past / DOM with MF.
Told him that I'd told DOM some stuff and regretted it as I think he got off on hearing about it (horrible stuff from when I was younger). in reply, MF 'guessed' (partly correctly tho i didnt say that i just said about the other part of it). He apologised and said he would try to 'curb febrile imagination'. I felt a bit, ugh?

Febrile imagination sounds like a vivid but a bit feverish imagination. A bit of a cliche?

I like this game too!