A thread to moan on until I’m rid of exP

[UnimaginativeUsername]

(Ex)P and I are separating but we have to live together until we sell this house (due to finances). So I thought I’d start a thread to help me get through the next few months.

I can totally imagine crying in that situation. It is so overwhelming, even if ultimately it is absolutely the right thing to do.

A pretty nice house has come up on rightmove today. Near a more convenient train station/not too far from DS2’s school. Lovely big open plan kitchen diner. Views over the park etc. Obviously it’ll sell before I am in a position to put an offer in, but it’s good to see that nice houses I can afford do come up.

I agree, it becomes so real once the petition gets submitted, crying is normal I think. In all honesty, until I'm free of him (living alone etc), I don't think it's all hit me yet. We've had the decree nisi already so just waiting until I can apply for the absolute.

I know you're right Unimaginative I'm just fed up that I'm still stuck here and that house was perfect in sooo many ways but it is what it is, can't change anything now. Obviously I will keep going but no real point in looking at houses etc anymore I don't think.

Ex wants to sell without a chain - all well for him considering he'll plan to rent for a bit and not have the cat...so I have to move twice, pay for all of the moving costs twice...just because it's easier to sell the house?! And he gets pissy asking me if I have found somewhere to buy already.

Could you view the house OP, just in case?

@iwantanewusername I don’t think I’d bother about the selling without a chain thing. I’m certainly not doing it. It’ll be disruptive enough for the children and me to move once - I don’t want to rent for a bit as well.

@Coastalcommand I guess I could view it, but I don’t want to be premature. I don’t want to risk loving a house but not being able to buy it. Our house isn’t even properly on the market yet.

The house is on RM now. The photos mostly look OK. The rooms do look spacious (it’s not a tiny house).

However, they’ve managed to miss the downstairs loo off the floor plan (and that will be something people are looking for).

Hopefully people will want to see it and buy it (despite ex’s attempts to show them round).

Fingers are firmly crossed for you! Unimaginative

I'm still trying to figure out which agent to go with - traditional or the new online ones (not purple bricks!)

Can't you message EA and say they've missed the downstairs loo?

I have messaged them. How does an EA manage to forget that a downstairs loo is an important feature for many buyers?

Ours is a local agent. They were good when selling our old house, but seemingly less so this time. Ex has managed to get a fixed price from them that’s about 0.5% of the asking price. So that’s something at least.

Also it’s wednesday so I’ve made dinner, taken DS1 to Beavers and come home to find the table like this. Obviously nothing else in the kitchen has been cleared up. I’ll be taking DS2 to swimming in 10 mins and don’t be back til 8.30 too.

I let that arsehole ex have a burger as one was going spare. Not doing that again, since he can’t even be bothered to clear his own plate (never mind anything else) from the table.

And I just went upstairs to find ex sitting on my bed. DS2 had gone in there to watch crap on my iPad. I don’t see why ex thinks it’s at all appropriate for him to be in my space. I don’t go into his room.

I’ve just stumbled on this thread and I just want to say how amazed I am with the strength you ladies are showing in the face of such arsehole men. @unimaginativeUsername I can not believe how calm you are remaining. I understand why for the sake for you son but flipping heck you are being so incredibly strong. Can you simply stop cooking for him? I can not believe he doesn’t clear up after himself. I know you don’t want to go down the route of reporting your ex but I wanted to say the rapes and the emotional abuse sound horrific. I’m keeping my fingers crossed you get the job you have applied for. Putting a few hours between you and your ex sounds like a brilliant idea. But if he is in your bedroom why can’t you just ask him to leave? It’s okay to show your son you have boundaries. Anyway I’ll stop posing questions as I wanted to say a big good luck.

We haven’t told DS2 that we’re separating yet. Although he’s not stupid so will have noticed that his parents have separate bedrooms and barely speak.

I was getting DS ready for swimming and didn’t want to make a scene. So I just asked DS to get his swimming stuff so we could go. I’ll speak to ex about boundaries later. Clearly he’s utterly incapable of understanding that I am entitled to my own space that he does not invade. Or he’s unwilling to give me it.

I wasn’t cooking for him really. I was just making burgers and there were 4 buns in the pack. So I didn’t mind just doing one for him too as it wasn’t really any effort. I wouldn’t actually cook for him though. Nor will I modify what I’m making to suit his tastes. But I came home tonight and wondered why I’m being so bloody nice.

What kind of complete arsehole gets their dinner made (by someone who hates them) and then gets up to leave the table without so much as picking up their own plate?
He’d be more bloody courteous in clearing his table in Ikea!

And thanks for the good wishes. I don’t often feel like I’m being strong, but I’m trying to make sure that I do the right thing. For obvious reasons I would never trust ex to do the same, but I will put my children first.

And at least ex continuing to be crap means there’s no danger of me regretting that we’re done. Instead I think about how much less stressful it will be without him. Even though there’ll be no other adult to share workload, there’ll also be no stress over it or resentment at him not doing his share. That’s more exhausting than putting the plates in the dishwasher!

I really wouldn't make a fourth burger tho, yes there's bread there, and theses meat. But cook enough meat for you and your kids and tell STBX if he wants one there's one (raw) left in the fridge.

Clean up after you and your sons and leave him to it x

Well I won’t be making the fourth burger in future. Tomorrow night I will make precisely 3 portions of dinner - and I won’t tell him to just make his own because I bought the shopping. If he wants dinner he can make a trip to Tesco to get what he needs.

I haven’t cleaned the kitchen. I’m tired and feeling petty so I’ve just come up to my room and shut the door. If the mess bothers him, he can sort it out (he has OCD and will be annoyed by this).

He’s asked me when he should book viewings for. I’m not sure why he can’t remember that DS2 goes to cubs on Mondays and swimming on wednesdays (so will be out in the evening) without me to tell him. Nor is it rocket science to work out that I can just take the kids out at the weekend (while he stays in cleaning and showing people round). But, as with everything else, he likes to pass all the thinking to me (even better if he can then complain that I got it ‘wrong’).

He was also annoyed that DS2 and I were back late from swimming - 8.38 rather than the usual 8.30. He kept asking why. Honestly, who cares? Ex is always such an arse about DS2 being late for bed after swimming, but is happy to keep him up past the designated hour when it suits him. He doesn’t like that I let DS2 go to the Tesco next to the swimming pool and choose a chocolate bar after swimming, hence all the fuss.

Sounds like he's not picking for excuses to talk/nag you.

He's trying to find excuses to always be on your back ☹️

Yes. I think that he’s constitutionally incapable of being happy, so he substitutes by trying to make me miserable.

I can hear the sound of dishes being put in the dishwasher downstairs. It appears he’s taken the hint.

Such an arse
I would take you child somewhere on Friday and be late home... when he asks say you lost track of time as having so much fun....

Actually I’ve arranged a play date for Friday after school. So instead I’ll have a house full of noisy 8/9 year olds.

Screw the burger. Put the burger and the bun in the freezer. No waste no problem. Stop buying food for him. Just buy for yourself and your sons. If he puts up a fight tell him, he should be showing his sons how men can stand on their own two feet and don't need a women to serve them every night. Can you arrange weekends away? Meet up with your friends? Have girls nights out? Have fun without him? I would send highly officious emails explaining why you do not want him in your bedroom ever. God he sounds such a twat. At least you can see him for what he is, a damaged person, who can't be happy and needs to make you miserable. Your eldest son sounds like such a lovely mature you man. I'm sure he is a credit to you.

I wouldn't send an email saying not to go in the bedroom as he will do it more for the reaction.

I haven’t emailed him, but I did point out that I do not invade his space.

I haven’t actually shopped for him this week. I did a food shop for 3 (which was cheaper). It’s just that the buns came in 2s and I am crap at using the freezer. I put stuff in there and then completely forget about it. Tonight’s dinner will be made for 3.

Ex did clean the kitchen last night, and hoovered it too. I’m sure he thinks I’m just lazy and unreasonable, particularly for not insisting DS1 did it when he came in from running a Beavers session (and a half hour walk home). I don’t care though.

DS1 is becoming a really lovely young man (mostly - he still has his moments of teenage idiocy!). It’s such a shame that ex cannot see it. He’s been determined to see DS1 as a problem to be fixed and, in recent years, a lost cause. It’s his loss though. People always tell me how lovely DS1 is. His tutors at college say he’s a joy to have in class (they’d love a class full of DS1’s). The scouting leaders really like him (and accept that he’s a bit awkward and socially anxious). They’re really pleased he’ll be 18 in June so he can be a real leader. The kids love him too. DS2 doesn’t realise how lucky he is to have such a fantastic brother.

DS1 is very young, socially (although really mature with adults). I do worry about his social anxiety but he’s starting to spend more time with friends (online and in person) and has kept in touch with school friends now he’s at college. They are at different colleges and they meet for lunch etc. He’s very geeky (which is totally fine with me) and quiet but I can see that he’s increasingly self-sufficient. It just tends to take him a bit longer than it might for other kids.

Today I have been to have my hair cut and highlighted (albeit in a very subtle manner). I always hate the way hairdressers style it though, so I’ve come home and washed it. I really like how it looks. It’s quite similar to Ginnifer Goodwin’s hair in this photo.

So I’m feeling pretty good. It’s funny, and I can have bare legs. I even painted my toenails for sandals. I have a meeting about a phased return to work this afternoon, which I’m feeling very positive about.

I’ve decided that today will be a good day.